OnScoobySnacks Posted May 30, 2010 Posted May 30, 2010 My wife and I have been together for 21 years and married for 16. We have a 12 year old daughter that is the center of your world. In early April, she told me she wants to move out. She said she loves me but is not in love with me anymore. Now the details that lead up to this. I now know that I have treated her VERY badly (mental abuse, lack of attention, just mean and nasty) but ABSOLUTLY NO cheating on either side. This has been happening for ~5 years. I, of course being a man, did not really think much about it or not at all. There were times I felt bad for something I said/did and apologized but went right back at it. I think all this built up and it finally erupted in April. I cried for a couple of days after she told me, which I now know was a bad thing to do in front of her. This was the first time she said she has seen me cry. She has said she will more out of the house as soon as she can find a 2nd job, night-time hours, into her own place, leaving my daughter with me in the house. She thought that best seeing how she is more attached to me. She sleeps downstairs, most of the time - asking if she can sleep with me every occasionally - although nothing happens in bed. She goes out with her girlfriends a couple times a week, to their house and talks about relationship stuff. I do believe her about this too. We are pleasant to each other and do have some small talk. I have told her I want to work on us and she said she does too. But she said she cannot do it yet. I have been reading A LOT about relationships and I know the NC rule seems to be the way to go. I know I cannot do this until she moves out. I told her I understand you need to do this and am sorry I pushed you to this point. I am willing to give you all the time you need to feel better about yourself and hopefully one day we can work on us. I have been going to counseling, with I never believed in before - my wife even asked if I would go years ago, and have changed dramatically. My wife and daughter have even told me so. It really made me realize what I have been doing over the years and how to make me look at myself from the inside. I feel so much better just the 2 months I have been going. I guess my question are: Should I even talk about us to her at this point? Should I be trying to plan special nights out with just the 2 of us? Should I tell her that I still love her and will do anything to work this out? I really do still love her and want to be with her, not just for the sake of our family, but I really do feel it inside. I know she has been having a difficult time really deciding to go through with this, at times, she has told me so, but I think she is going to do it. I appreciate all/any advice and if you need any more info let me know. OSS [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 30, 2010 Posted May 30, 2010 Whatever she is doing in her 'out of the house' time is what will end your marriage. She is using the "space" she needs to build a foundation for a life without you. While things may have been able to have been fixed before it appears that it is too late now. A marriage cannot be fixed as long as one of the spouses needs "space" for whatever reason. What do you do? Do a Google search for "divorce busting" "Michele Weiner-Davis" You are looking for things pertaining to what they call the 180. Read a lot and often. Keep an open mind, and be prepared for any outcome. If you go into this with a "this is definitely not happening" or "I'm 100% sure that this isn't going on" then you will be helping to end your marriage with your own denial.
jenifer1972 Posted May 30, 2010 Posted May 30, 2010 In a situation like this, the love your wife had for you was essentially "slowly strangled to death" over a number of years. Whatever you do, you have to get her to love you all over again, and so it may involve starting from "below zero" at this point. When love is strangled to death, what is left is apathy, and embers are much harder to stoke in a hearth like this than one where there is anger - at least there is enough spark there to care, even if negatively.
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