oohsoconfused Posted May 30, 2010 Posted May 30, 2010 not really sure if this is a post to get advice or just to vent and let it out. id like to thank anyone that reads this and posts a reply no matter what the response. i recently discovered that i am working with a man that i dated eons ago, just a summer crush when you are young, but the chemistry was amazing. he was the first person i ever cared about that i had a physical relationship with and well i do recall at the time it was crazy for him....the words i love you came out on his behalf and at the time, i was young it sent me running for the hills anyhoo...fast forward about 10-15 years. im dating a guy that i have been with about 3 years, we maintain seperate residence....actually he lives at home but is looking to buy yadda yadda, i discover this co-worker and is recently married to a long time live in girlfriend. anyway innocent chats and emails play out and we find ourselves out for drink with a group. we talk, and i guess remember the good old days....we have a quick night of passion and end up being together. instead of both quickly regretting it, we both find ourselves almost...and yes i know there is always a choice...uncontrolably attracted and drawn to each other. perhaps it is just lust........but throught chats, and emails and brief exchanges at work the chemistry and lust is so strong and it seems inevitable that we will engage again. im really at a loss and im not sure how to proceed!!! part of me wants to say no, not becaquse i dont want to, but because it is wrong.....but i find that no is a word that is lost when in his presense......ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!
fooled once Posted May 30, 2010 Posted May 30, 2010 not really sure if this is a post to get advice or just to vent and let it out. id like to thank anyone that reads this and posts a reply no matter what the response. i recently discovered that i am working with a man that i dated eons ago, just a summer crush when you are young, but the chemistry was amazing. he was the first person i ever cared about that i had a physical relationship with and well i do recall at the time it was crazy for him....the words i love you came out on his behalf and at the time, i was young it sent me running for the hills anyhoo...fast forward about 10-15 years. im dating a guy that i have been with about 3 years, we maintain seperate residence....actually he lives at home but is looking to buy yadda yadda, i discover this co-worker and is recently married to a long time live in girlfriend. anyway innocent chats and emails play out and we find ourselves out for drink with a group. we talk, and i guess remember the good old days....we have a quick night of passion and end up being together. instead of both quickly regretting it, we both find ourselves almost...and yes i know there is always a choice...uncontrolably attracted and drawn to each other. perhaps it is just lust........but throught chats, and emails and brief exchanges at work the chemistry and lust is so strong and it seems inevitable that we will engage again. im really at a loss and im not sure how to proceed!!! part of me wants to say no, not becaquse i dont want to, but because it is wrong.....but i find that no is a word that is lost when in his presense......ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGG! If you can't control yourself, then at least do the honorable thing and end things with your boyfriend. He doesn't deserve your disrespect and your disloyalty. End the relationship with him. Then you can be the mistress. Of course, in my mind, that is still not right, but at least you will have done the responsible thing and ended the relationship. I hope you used protection and if not, please alert your boyfriend that you slept with someone else so he can get an STD check.
Author oohsoconfused Posted May 30, 2010 Author Posted May 30, 2010 yes, preotection was used and while it still counts the first time was drunken foolery and could be chaulked up to a stupid mistake. i know if my bf did the same i would rather not know about it and let it be his cross to bear - if that makessense. im just wondering if this is real or if it is just feeding into a time when i am insecure in my relationship......
jthorne Posted May 30, 2010 Posted May 30, 2010 yes, preotection was used and while it still counts the first time was drunken foolery and could be chaulked up to a stupid mistake. i know if my bf did the same i would rather not know about it and let it be his cross to bear - if that makessense. im just wondering if this is real or if it is just feeding into a time when i am insecure in my relationship......Either way, your bf does not deserve to be treated with such disrespect, even if he doesn't know about it. Just because you think you'd be ok with him cheating on you and keeping it to himself, does not mean he'd approve of you doing it. Your post seems to imply that you want to know if the affair feelings are real, so if they are not, you can keep your bf around as a backup. That's the way it sounds to me anyway. Anyway, you have two choices- end the affair or end it with your BF and continue the A as an OW. I suppose you could try keeping both on the hook, but that is incredibly difficult to do from the posts I've read around here.
Author oohsoconfused Posted May 30, 2010 Author Posted May 30, 2010 no, i do agree this cant go on for long, att least for me with a bf and i need to make my choice. maybe it is just excuses but i have tried to approach my bf about getting serious, about more commitment, and have not been met with answers that make me feel confident.....aside from just dating. part of me is like why ignore these feelings and urges and part of me is like maybe this is the last straw to make me realize that my bf as much as he says he wants to be with me isnt on the same page. im not looking to make myself single to be the OW....but im guessing both our situations are less than fullfilling the moment and maybe this new spark is just a way for me to realize that, or is it meant for me to focus on my current relationship and push and see if there is hope. i love my bf, and im thinking im just infactuated with this new guy....
califnan Posted May 30, 2010 Posted May 30, 2010 Soconfused, With the "spark" - you can be jumping from the frying pan into the fire.. There is nothing fulfilling about being in a relationship with a MM.. Just snipets of meeting with a man, while being on the outside of his life/marriage - looking in.. Not being married to your boyfriend - and with not being on the same page - puts you in a wonderful position. You are Free. Definitely hold off from a marriage to the BF. But definitely also, do not have anymore intimacy with the MM. You have all the time in the world to get your life right, and lucky for you - you are a single woman, while doing so.
whichwayisup Posted May 30, 2010 Posted May 30, 2010 Anyway, you have two choices- end the affair or end it with your BF and continue the A as an OW. Or option 3. Continue sneaking behind your bf's back, lie and deceive him, until you get caught. Then, the decision will be made for you.
jthorne Posted May 30, 2010 Posted May 30, 2010 OP - if your new guy was single, would you end it with your BF?
MorningCoffee Posted May 30, 2010 Posted May 30, 2010 yes, preotection was used and while it still counts the first time was drunken foolery and could be chaulked up to a stupid mistake. i know if my bf did the same i would rather not know about it and let it be his cross to bear - if that makessense. im just wondering if this is real or if it is just feeding into a time when i am insecure in my relationship...... OMG! What about STDs? Remember, every time you sleep with someone, you sleep with the sexual history of every person he/she ever slept with -- including their new something on the side. If a gf stepped out on me, I damn well would want to know immediately, if not for the purpose of tossing her out on her a--, then at least for the purpose of insisting she be tested before we share a bed again. Just sayin'
Author oohsoconfused Posted May 30, 2010 Author Posted May 30, 2010 yes i do agree with you on safety of the situation. not that this is an excuse, but i would have to say that when it comes to being safe, im way more concerned than most ive known or been involved with, including my boyfriend. even almost 3 years ago when we started dating, well lets just say that im the one who went, got tested, checked everything and just was lucky he didnt do anything stupid or was lucly with previous partners because ive always been safe and he has a much lazier attitude from my understanding. and im always concerned about stds and being smart. im not looking to have a drawn out affair with this MM. im just wondering if this is an experience to either make me be demanding and questionébring forth an ultimatum to my bf to step up - as it is something i have wanted for some time or have this bit of fun and take it for what its worth. ugh, my brain hurts.....
jenifer1972 Posted May 30, 2010 Posted May 30, 2010 This cake eating bit of fun cannot end well for anyone involved, no matter how you "slice it". Seriously....right?
RainDown Posted May 30, 2010 Posted May 30, 2010 yes i do agree with you on safety of the situation. not that this is an excuse, but i would have to say that when it comes to being safe, im way more concerned than most ive known or been involved with, including my boyfriend. even almost 3 years ago when we started dating, well lets just say that im the one who went, got tested, checked everything and just was lucky he didnt do anything stupid or was lucly with previous partners because ive always been safe and he has a much lazier attitude from my understanding. and im always concerned about stds and being smart. im not looking to have a drawn out affair with this MM. im just wondering if this is an experience to either make me be demanding and questionébring forth an ultimatum to my bf to step up - as it is something i have wanted for some time or have this bit of fun and take it for what its worth. ugh, my brain hurts..... You need to tell your boyfriend exactly what you have done. He needs to know that your idea of communicating to him that you "want him to step up" is by ****ing another man. Your boyfriend deserves to know he is involved with a woman who has very bizarre ideas about how to communicate her needs appropriately and he deserves the knowledge required to make a decision about whether or not he wants to be with someone who acts out in such a bizarre and destructive manner. If you want a commitment from your boyfriend and you are interested in a committed relationship with him, you are approaching it completely and utterly wrong. Tell your boyfriend and let him decide what to do, as you seem to be completely out there.
Passion4Life Posted May 30, 2010 Posted May 30, 2010 You need to tell your boyfriend exactly what you have done. He needs to know that your idea of communicating to him that you "want him to step up" is by ****ing another man. Your boyfriend deserves to know he is involved with a woman who has very bizarre ideas about how to communicate her needs appropriately and he deserves the knowledge required to make a decision about whether or not he wants to be with someone who acts out in such a bizarre and destructive manner. If you want a commitment from your boyfriend and you are interested in a committed relationship with him, you are approaching it completely and utterly wrong. Tell your boyfriend and let him decide what to do, as you seem to be completely out there. I guess OP is gone
Author oohsoconfused Posted May 31, 2010 Author Posted May 31, 2010 still here, just had things to take care of the mundane this afternoon oh joys of laundry! i have approached my bf on several occaisons and attempted to have a real conversation. he is well aware of my feelings he just chooses not to communicate any of his own on the subject. im not saying that im interested or feeling sparks or had the one night because of him exactly. im not putting blame on anyone except my fault. im just trying to work through all of this and see what i really need to focus on, what will be best. i know a relationship with a MM is not what im looking for, and im not looking for an affair.its just me working out all my thoughts and confused mind and using this forum to do so
jthorne Posted May 31, 2010 Posted May 31, 2010 Maybe you are having an exit affair. I know I would never cheat on my SO, I love and respect him too much.
Author oohsoconfused Posted May 31, 2010 Author Posted May 31, 2010 yes, i have thought that maybe this - if i would go further would be the nail so to speak to have me move on, go to a place i couldnt come back from and thus leave my bf and put all the blame on myself. either that or i have thought maybe he will make me realize that my bf really is special and i need to be patient and allow the relationship to progress at his pace. im just in a frustrated place....i do love my boyfriend very much and if he would say be with me forever i would say yes and focus on him only. its only recently that i have begun to feel insecure with my boyfriend and feel scared that it will be another couple of years of dating and he will decide that im not the one for him and i just was strung along for the last years. i dont think i could handle an affair, orthe guiltthat comes with it. maybe if i was truly single and not one to emotional attach myself id consider it, but i know the grass is not greener.
jenifer1972 Posted May 31, 2010 Posted May 31, 2010 Maybe you should distance yourself from your boyfriend a bit, make him feel the lack of you, and see if he can make a decision. 3 years is adequate I think to hang in a relationship, and after that there should be some movement, which you may have created by what you have done.
candymoon Posted May 31, 2010 Posted May 31, 2010 Is it possible he has his own thing on the side and not just commitment-phobic?
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