HurtinginTexas Posted May 30, 2010 Posted May 30, 2010 Sat night is very hard. I know what hes been up to by reading the emails one by one with shutting off my phone, seeing hes planning on moving back to his old town, and the excahnges with the wife. My string has been under Please help Im hurting but I dont know what to do. All I want to do is email and say how could he do this, how rotten, he promised me we would be together forever. I want to comment on all that I see he has been doing and to say what a rotten person to plan this under my nose. Im remembering all the fun and wonderful things we have done in 3.5 years. Im picturing what the rest of my life will be without him. Im paniced. I feel so horrible playing over and agin that this was so messed up that just tueday he made me dinner and made love that night, and wednesday he calls to say "I love you babe" before he takes off hours later to try to kill himself to get attention from wife. Now he has disappaered from my life, had my phone cut off and is ending our life with no word or Im sorry, or what I did to run him away, no word on how he can end 3.5 years with ease. No once of remorse. No ounce of decency since he said he never run out again like he did. I love him and the memories are flooding my mind. How does man just do that so brutally to a woman he loved. Has this happened to anyone? He leaves with no warning and you thought things were fine? Should I tell him off. I could never and would never get back with him as I knew these last months he said he was happy were a lie. The trust was way thin in the beginning. Do you think he would ever have the guts to conatct me again, even if he got back with wife, even after all the messed up crap he did to me? I want to have the strength to tell him someday if he does that we are done. Do you think Ill ever hear again?
secretlady76 Posted May 30, 2010 Posted May 30, 2010 Sorry but this guy sounds like a total nutcase. Please pray that you don't ever hear from him again. Sounds like a lucky escape. I couldn't think of a worse thing than having to spend the rest of my life with someone like that. Just pity the wife. You are in a MUCH better place than he or she is at the moment. I can guarantee that in a few months you will look back and think 'what the hell was I doing, why on earth did I want to spend my life with that total d***head?' Good luck.
jennie-jennie Posted May 30, 2010 Posted May 30, 2010 I think you can be pretty sure that he is going to contact you again. Don't fret about that, he isn't done flip-flopping. The question is what you do in the meantime. As long as you are thinking of telling him off, you are still bond to him. When you don't care anymore whether he contacts you or not, that is when you are free. Right now you are following him in his roller coasters of high and low in your relationship. What you want to do is distance yourself from that, whether you want to keep him in your life (whenever he decides to show up) or not. You need to find stability within yourself to not follow him in his crazy, unpredictable ups and downs.
Fallen Angel Posted May 30, 2010 Posted May 30, 2010 I think it is safe to say that there is one person who knows exactly how this feels, his wife. Isn't up and leaving when she thought everything was fine exactly what he did to her, how much longer was their marriage than your relationship with him? I agree that it is a really craptastic thing to do, but it is in his repertoire of old tricks. There is no need for you to tell him how much he has hurt you, he already knows. Just know that you do not need to value yourself based on the value he has placed on you. You are worth much more than that. Stay NC. Start your healing. ((hugs))
skywriter Posted May 30, 2010 Posted May 30, 2010 Hi Hurting, Hope you are feeling better, since you originally posted. This is the interesting similarity with all A's. They are all unique yet have many things in common. The fact that you are obsessing over what he's thinking, what he'll do, what if's and so forth. You do need someone that you can confide in that can help you regain focus when you ride that emotional rollercoaster. Someone to remind you to try to focus on you, because ultimatley this is all you can control. He doesn't seem to display any virtues of concern for providing you with any answers to your questions. To me, try asking yourself, how can I love me enough to become indifferent to this man, when he resurfaces. How can I do better for myself, etc. Doesn't seem like he's ever gonna be healthy for you, and if this is how you define love, then you might need to reevalutate why.
jj33 Posted May 30, 2010 Posted May 30, 2010 Hurting I know its hard but you need to pull away. Are you in IC? If not you need to get into IC right away. This relationship is toxic and you need to be out of it. Either he is one of the most confused men on earth or he is a manipulative liar. Either way he is not yours to fix and save. Heres what you need to do. Sat night is very hard. I know what hes been up to by reading the emails one by one with shutting off my phone, seeing hes planning on moving back to his old town, and the excahnges with the wife. DELETE THE EMAILS. Delete the account if you can. If you cant them send his emails to spam and delete them as soon as they come in. Spending time rereading them is not going to help you get over this. My string has been under Please help Im hurting but I dont know what to do. All I want to do is email and say how could he do this, how rotten, he promised me we would be together forever. I want to comment on all that I see he has been doing and to say what a rotten person to plan this under my nose. Im remembering all the fun and wonderful things we have done in 3.5 years. Im picturing what the rest of my life will be without him. Im paniced. I feel so horrible playing over and agin that this was so messed up that just tueday he made me dinner and made love that night, and wednesday he calls to say "I love you babe" before he takes off hours later to try to kill himself to get attention from wife. Now he has disappaered from my life, had my phone cut off and is ending our life with no word or Im sorry, or what I did to run him away, no word on how he can end 3.5 years with ease. No once of remorse. No ounce of decency since he said he never run out again like he did. I love him and the memories are flooding my mind. How does man just do that so brutally to a woman he loved. he had your phone cut off? He was paying your bills? Have you gotten a new phone put in? Do you have a cell phone? If you need to write to him telling him what an SOB he is then do it, because you need to be heard. But DO NOT allow his response to pull you back in. Has this happened to anyone? He leaves with no warning and you thought things were fine? Its happened to lots of people but perhaps not in such dramatic circumstances. Should I tell him off. I could never and would never get back with him as I knew these last months he said he was happy were a lie. The trust was way thin in the beginning. If you need to do it do it but only if you think he cant pull you back in again. Be prepared for the fact that he may be cruel or he may be cruel or he may try to reel you back in so either way you need to be prepared that it wont make you feel worse or drag you back in. Do you think he would ever have the guts to conatct me again, even if he got back with wife, even after all the messed up crap he did to me? I want to have the strength to tell him someday if he does that we are done. Do you think Ill ever hear again? Yes you will hear from him again but he is toxic. He is bad bad news and you need to stay away from him. IC. You need IC if you arent already; in it. If you dont have the resources there are public programs where you can get IC. Its normal that you will be griefstricken and numb and depressed right now. Give yourself time, it will pass. Try to go out for a walk or whatever you can do to get some exercise and do something other than sitting in the house. Take good care jj
Fallen Angel Posted May 30, 2010 Posted May 30, 2010 Hurting I know its hard but you need to pull away. Are you in IC? If not you need to get into IC right away. This relationship is toxic and you need to be out of it. Either he is one of the most confused men on earth or he is a manipulative liar. Either way he is not yours to fix and save. Heres what you need to do. Yes you will hear from him again but he is toxic. He is bad bad news and you need to stay away from him. IC. You need IC if you arent already; in it. If you dont have the resources there are public programs where you can get IC. Its normal that you will be griefstricken and numb and depressed right now. Give yourself time, it will pass. Try to go out for a walk or whatever you can do to get some exercise and do something other than sitting in the house. Take good care jj jj, Just want to clarify it appears TO ME that she is reading emails he has sent to his wife, not emails he has sent to her. She is reading emails from inside his email account, if I am reading her posts correctly. OP, if I have this wrong, please clarify for me. Thanks.
BB07 Posted May 30, 2010 Posted May 30, 2010 Hello HurtinginTexas.....Hugs to you. First.....stop reading all those emails and stop obsessing about trying to figure out how and why he has done what he has done. Just accept that he has done it and feel that pain and then you've got to pick yourself up and start to put your life together, without him. You have to get to the point that you realize that you do NOT WANT this asshat in your life anymore. He is an ASSHAT! Get yourself into IC because what you are doing (obsessive love) is not healthy. You have given way too much of yourself to a man who is a liar, and probably has deep seated issues himself. You can NOT fix him and you've just got to realize that you deserve better than this. Please step away from the computer and stop reading the emails and do something nice for yourself today. Call a friend......go out and do something enjoyable today. One day at a time, starting with today. OK?
jj33 Posted May 30, 2010 Posted May 30, 2010 If you are reading the emails he is sending to his wife STOP.
Author HurtinginTexas Posted May 30, 2010 Author Posted May 30, 2010 I think you can be pretty sure that he is going to contact you again. Don't fret about that, he isn't done flip-flopping. The question is what you do in the meantime. As long as you are thinking of telling him off, you are still bond to him. When you don't care anymore whether he contacts you or not, that is when you are free. Right now you are following him in his roller coasters of high and low in your relationship. What you want to do is distance yourself from that, whether you want to keep him in your life (whenever he decides to show up) or not. You need to find stability within yourself to not follow him in his crazy, unpredictable ups and downs. Jennie Jennie How could he ever face me again after telling me hed NEVER leave me again. That it was us forever. That he never wanted his wife back. That he is doing all he can to purge me out of his life with no warning and no good bye. And sneaking behind my back to move from El paso back to Las Cruces where his exW is. He will loose out 5K on the lease we had to start a new one. To pretend to do counseling to impress herr. He refused therapy for us. Why would he come back if he wanst his old life back. I will never get my vindication. He will float through lif with no repercussions never having to be accountable for anything. Wheers the karma?
lilagirl Posted May 30, 2010 Posted May 30, 2010 Jennie Jennie How could he ever face me again after telling me hed NEVER leave me again. That it was us forever. That he never wanted his wife back. That he is doing all he can to purge me out of his life with no warning and no good bye. And sneaking behind my back to move from El paso back to Las Cruces where his exW is. He will loose out 5K on the lease we had to start a new one. To pretend to do counseling to impress herr. He refused therapy for us. Why would he come back if he wanst his old life back. I will never get my vindication. He will float through lif with no repercussions never having to be accountable for anything. Wheers the karma? Hun... I am so sorry for your pain. You NEED to stay in NC. He will be able to face you... Like he did all the other times... He faced you and his W after hurting both of you. You said yourself that you thought he was harsh in the way he was leaving his W. This is the same old behaviour. All of his sneaking... to you, to her... His refusal to therapy should show you allot. he was never committed to a healthy relationship with you. You need to find some strength and remember the girl you were before you met him. Sounds to me like he is already living out his karma - thoughts of suicide, not being settled, living out his life not feeling true committment. I guarantee you he will be back. Hopefully his W has gained some strength back from his emotional and verbal abuse, and will not take him back. Once he realizes that... he will be back. At that point, hopefully you will have as well. The story you wrote out in your other thread should show you how unhealthy this man is for you. Even when he chose you... he never respected you... you deserve better then the BEST that he had to offer. I hope you take some of the advice here... and make yourself very difficult for him to contact. Emails, txts, phone calls... Find something healthy to do to keep yourself busy.. volunteer, read a good book, take a mini vacation with friends... I hope you are finding strength in posting. Good luck to you
jennie-jennie Posted May 30, 2010 Posted May 30, 2010 (edited) Jennie Jennie How could he ever face me again after telling me hed NEVER leave me again. That it was us forever. That he never wanted his wife back. That he is doing all he can to purge me out of his life with no warning and no good bye. And sneaking behind my back to move from El paso back to Las Cruces where his exW is. He will loose out 5K on the lease we had to start a new one. To pretend to do counseling to impress herr. He refused therapy for us. Why would he come back if he wanst his old life back. I will never get my vindication. He will float through lif with no repercussions never having to be accountable for anything. Wheers the karma? Would you like to be him? No? That's his "karma", he is experiencing it right now flip-flopping between the two of you. He will be able to face you again, just like he has done so many times before, when his need and urge to be with you becomes stronger again than his need and urge to be with his wife. That is my take on it anyway. Look at this guy for who he really is, realize that this pattern is a part of him. To change it he most likely needs years of counseling. Then consider whether this is something you want in your life or not. If not, start working on getting stronger (IC is a great idea) and distance yourself from him in all ways you can think of and try to get busy living your own life. If you still want him in your life despite this pattern of his, then you still need to get stronger (IC again) and realize that he is going to keep on doing this, so you'd better get busy living your own life anyway while he is busy with his wife. There is no use getting baffled at what he is doing. It is to be expected, not unexpected. You need to change your perspective on this to be able to make a decision about your future. It is going to take years for him, if ever, to become the stable partner you are dreaming of. And even if he gets there, you still don't know whether he would choose his wife or you. This is just the bitter reality. Try to face it. (((hurting))) Edited May 30, 2010 by jennie-jennie
jj33 Posted May 30, 2010 Posted May 30, 2010 Great post Jennie. That is exactly right. The promises were empty. He may have meant them in the moment but he has no follow through at this point in his life and its possible he never will. It is a harsh reality to face but it is nonetheless the reality.
Author HurtinginTexas Posted May 30, 2010 Author Posted May 30, 2010 I think it is safe to say that there is one person who knows exactly how this feels, his wife. Isn't up and leaving when she thought everything was fine exactly what he did to her, how much longer was their marriage than your relationship with him? I agree that it is a really craptastic thing to do, but it is in his repertoire of old tricks. There is no need for you to tell him how much he has hurt you, he already knows. Just know that you do not need to value yourself based on the value he has placed on you. You are worth much more than that. Stay NC. Start your healing. ((hugs)) Started as an affair we were together 2.5 years. She left him sveral times then finally a divorce. He was with me for 11 moths by ourselves I thought to start our new life. Yet if felt wrong never put a pic of me or us on facebook, no effort to meet his family, I always mentioned or nagged about things I felt were off and he said I was scerwed up in the head. She seemed to move on with her life and I think he resented it and had an emotional breakdown or got sick of me and wanted her back. Its very cruel
califnan Posted May 30, 2010 Posted May 30, 2010 His wife moved on with her life? This caused him to move back over to her.. As with other posters, I agree you will probably hear from him again.. Everything he has been doing speaks Confusion. This is all fresh with you right now, you will get stronger - and the hurt will be replaced with hope.. Right now you are seeing what is just in front of you at this time.. This man is not for you. Hurting, God has good things for you.. I wish you the best in your recovery and in receiving the things that He has for you.
Author HurtinginTexas Posted May 30, 2010 Author Posted May 30, 2010 Started as an affair we were together 2.5 years. She left him sveral times then finally a divorce. He was with me for 11 moths by ourselves I thought to start our new life. Yet if felt wrong never put a pic of me or us on facebook, no effort to meet his family, I always mentioned or nagged about things I felt were off and he said I was scerwed up in the head. She seemed to move on with her life and I think he resented it and had an emotional breakdown or got sick of me and wanted her back. Its very cruel That "Im killing my self" crap act was to get the attention and help and to see if the wife was interesetd in getting reeled in again, and she fell for it hook line and sinker. He is saying he is willing to get therapy for her. I think I may have run him off with all my nagging, and insecurities and questions and lack of trust and doubting him. Im sorry but when youre hurt and left many times I always expected it to come again. I feel I caused him leaving. I know if he truly loved me hed never do that and would have made efforts to fix what I thought was wrong. But he now back to her and I said if he ever did go back to his wife, and tried to come back at some point that wed be through. I said after us finally having a life and trying to move forward if we did that to me, and went back to her for him NEVER to expect us to go back to part time. I guess he never loved or cared about me. I guess I love you guys say like nothing and it has no meaning and guys can throw away memeories.
jj33 Posted May 30, 2010 Posted May 30, 2010 STOP RIGHT NOW. You are so hurt right now you cant see the reality of the situatoin. This guy is crazy. Maybe you cant see how crazy and efffed up his behavior is tright now because you are still holding onto the dream. But it is a dream. NOONE is going to have happily ever after with someone who behves the way he does unless and until he gets some long term serious therapy. That "Im killing my self" crap act was to get the attention and help and to see if the wife was interesetd in getting reeled in again, If that is true, do you think this is the behavior of a normal person? Do you REALLY want someone who would do that in your life? and she fell for it hook line and sinker. Shes his W. He did that and you still wish he was with you. Why are you surprised. He is saying he is willing to get therapy for her. Hes a guy who says anything and more to the point DOES anything to suit himself at a particular moment. See above. I think I may have run him off with all my nagging, and insecurities and questions and lack of trust and doubting him. Im sorry but when youre hurt and left many times I always expected it to come again. I feel I caused him leaving. Dont do that to yourself. You have NO idea why he did anything and you have every right to be insecure about trusting him. He is a weasel. I know if he truly loved me hed never do that and would have made efforts to fix what I thought was wrong. But he now back to her and I said if he ever did go back to his wife, and tried to come back at some point that wed be through. I said after us finally having a life and trying to move forward if we did that to me, and went back to her for him NEVER to expect us go back to part time. I guess he never loved or cared about me. I guess I love you guys say like nothing and it has no meaning and guys can throw away memeories. Hurting you are looking at his behavior and expecting it to make sense. This is a guy who makes NO sense. And he has hurt you over and over again. This has been going on for years. You have kept the hope alive for far too long, taking him back every time he throws you a scrap of hope. And each time you are surprised when he hurts you again. You need to vow to yourself that this is hte last time he will ever hurt you. That you are done. The toughest part is giving up the dream. That he will come to you a changed man and tell you he loves you and is so sorry he hurt you and will spend the rest of his liife making it up to you. Look at how he has behaved. Its a dream. Im sure he loved you. How could he not. You are a wonderful loveable person. But he is not a person capable of having a normal loving relationship. He doesnt know how to treat you on a consistent basis. Its going to take time to see that and to accept that the dream isnt going to come true. But you will in time. Big hugs jj
silverplanets Posted May 30, 2010 Posted May 30, 2010 You asked for help in staying no contact, so here's the best I can give right now ..(from experience to date ) ... At 2 weeks, no contact still feels like agony At 1 month, no contact still is not agony, but it's not fun either At 2 months, no contact feels kind of numb At 3 months, one tends to remember only the good things about them, and staying nc is hard At 4 months, you kinda feel a little bit better, there's definate distance between you and them and you are, perhaps for the first time in a long time, realising that just maybe they weren't who you thought they were At 5 months, you realise that you really need to decide if you are going to work on being happy with yourselves or rollercoaster into another relationship to stop you working on yourself At 6 months, if you've decided the latter at 5 then god help you and the poor sucker you've latched on to, alternatively if you've decided to fix yourself before screwing anyone else up then you've just started to get a glimpse of how and why you might have been vulnerable to the A At 7 months, therapy can move past keeping you sane to really helping you look at some things At 8 months, you no longer need to keep busy all the time, being alone and quiet time is no longer painful and in fact you want that time so you can reach your own conclusions and follow your own thoughts At 9 months you realise that you're out of the woods, but you are over the addiction to them ... and also you begin to meet people who you kind of quite fancy ... although what's important to you right now is good friends rather than getting into any new emotional entanglment At 10 months ... don't know yet .. but it sure looks like it's going to be good ... and the fact that you slept with someone else's wife/husband in the past is just something you can laugh at yourself for. You realise life is still out there, you CAN fix your own problems and you were not put on this earth just to be a plaster on someone elses crap marriage :) All I'm really trying to say is that the real help in staying NC is that each month is better than the previous and that, at some point, you suddenly realise *you* are back ... So stick at it because a) it works and b) you're worth it :) be safe and remember you don't owe them any explaination ... NC comes unilaterally from you .... Just don't respond to anything, ever, and you are doing it just fine :) Chris
califnan Posted May 30, 2010 Posted May 30, 2010 Great post Silverplanets .. Going through the months .. ha And no, we weren't brought into this world to be the putty or mastic for someone else's life/marriage.
Brokenlady Posted May 30, 2010 Posted May 30, 2010 HIT, I know you want to yell at him, but there's really no point. There's nothing he can tell you that will make this any better for you (cause all he does is lie anyway) and it isn't possible to make him feel bad for hurting you. You have to break the old pattern - do something new and pretend he's dead. The man is completely crackers. You didn't deserve this. If you were nagging and doubtful, it's only cause he gave you every reason to be. The fact that he wants to have no consequences for his actions bespeaks his unempathic and immature outlook on life. He deserves every bit of pain he gets in life. And please don't blame yourself for any of this. You didn't "drive him away", he never knew what he wanted in the 1st place. You could have been Mother Teresa and the result would have been the same. That being said- is this man for your life or for your death? No way are the positives worth this price. Please take care and protect yourself. (BTW, DM has done the same to me - if I complained at ALL about his duplicity with me and his xW he said I was as unpleasant as she was and he might as well go back to her. It's emotional extortion, Manipulative, and a lame attempt to get away with acting like a jerk.)
califnan Posted May 30, 2010 Posted May 30, 2010 That "Im killing my self" crap act was to get the attention and help and to see if the wife was interesetd in getting reeled in again, and she fell for it hook line and sinker. He is saying he is willing to get therapy for her. I think I may have run him off with all my nagging, and insecurities and questions and lack of trust and doubting him. Im sorry but when youre hurt and left many times I always expected it to come again. I feel I caused him leaving. I know if he truly loved me hed never do that and would have made efforts to fix what I thought was wrong. But he now back to her and I said if he ever did go back to his wife, and tried to come back at some point that wed be through. I said after us finally having a life and trying to move forward if we did that to me, and went back to her for him NEVER to expect us to go back to part time. I guess he never loved or cared about me. I guess I love you guys say like nothing and it has no meaning and guys can throw away memeories. ------------------- Hurting.. It was kind of a clue to me when you said the wife was going on with her life.. Sometimes people seem to run to secure sounding people while running from the insecure.. I don't think you would have wanted to be married to him.. Even if a man makes a choice, he can still think of the exspouse later.. He has given you a good warning.. Stay away from him. You would not have had insecurities with the right (unattached) person.. You have a good life ahead for you, as a whole complete woman..
Author HurtinginTexas Posted May 31, 2010 Author Posted May 31, 2010 Hurting I know its hard but you need to pull away. Are you in IC? If not you need to get into IC right away. This relationship is toxic and you need to be out of it. Either he is one of the most confused men on earth or he is a manipulative liar. Either way he is not yours to fix and save. Heres what you need to do. Yes you will hear from him again but he is toxic. He is bad bad news and you need to stay away from him. IC. You need IC if you arent already; in it. If you dont have the resources there are public programs where you can get IC. Its normal that you will be griefstricken and numb and depressed right now. Give yourself time, it will pass. Try to go out for a walk or whatever you can do to get some exercise and do something other than sitting in the house. Take good care jj What is IC
Recommended Posts