Ex GF Texted/Broke NC, What Next?

[NABDP]

Sorry to have been away, been busy really messing up my NC.

 

All kinds of slip-ups on my part this week.

 

Sort of mad at myself, but then again, I also wonder, if I would have done nothing at all, would I have even been more restless with a mind filled with "what if" scenarios.

 

1 week ago on my birthday my ex out of the blue sent me an amazing e-mail message full of apologies, regret, wishing she could turn the clock back, listing how she has learned so much from this and is becoming a better person, but stopped short of saying she wanted to reconcile or wanted me back in any way. It was the most mature sensible thing I ever saw her write/say since I saw her. Like she had a total enlightening and was changing course for the better, and wanted me to know it was because of losing me and the relationship that she had to break the cycle.

 

So I was curious. I waited and then by the start of this week just could not resist responding to her any more. So I did. It was short, but I basically thanked her and congratulated her on her choice. Also asked her why she felt compelled to write. Here was the mistake, though.

 

I mentioned, you said you regretted not getting together to talk a month ago, is that something you would still like to do?

 

Her reply basically said she wrote the apology/moving on note because she felt it was "something she needed to do for herself" (selfish) and that she would like to catch up, but said she understood if I wasn't ready for that.

 

My reply was to ask her to meet for lunch today. She accepted and we did.

 

Yep, here we go, NABDP putting himself back on the rollercoaster for some more punishment for not listening to reason and smarter people than him, and trying to hold out hope for some reason.

 

We exchanged a few emails and texts since the agreement to keep plans in order and make sure times were right. It was almost like old times. Rolled up to the lunch place (upscale takeout type) and she was waiting outside. She looked absolutely dynamite. Wearing the same sun dress I love her in, the one she wore the day she came over to move things out and talk to me about her regrets. She was coming from work where she wears scrubs, so she had to change into this and it looked like she did herself up a bit. Then again she wasn't one known to ever be in a public place and not made up. Suffice to say, she looked as beautiful as ever, even moreso. Probably more stunning that ever in her life. She's a stunner. Then again, I look better these days, too. Losing weight, new clothes, etc.

 

So the first thing she told me is that I looked good. I paid her the same compliment. We went right inside and got in line to order, chatting while waiting...For a moment she stood near me as if expecting me to ask what she wanted and buy her lunch, though I had decided not to do that, so she did her own order and paid (I don't mind treating a girl I am dating, but obviously at this point we're exes so...) -- She Asked me what I was ordering then ordered the same thing. We looked around and found a small 2 person table to sit at, across from one another.

 

Conversation came easy, though eye contact on her end was slim. She looked down a lot. I let her do a lot of the talking first, before she asked how I was doing. She seems to be doing very well. Told me about her plans for her schooling (she decided to go back to school and further her career, a very ambitious thing), where she was living (in a house with 2 male platonic roommates, she made sure to let that known). Though a particular interesting bit was that she had not unpacked her things yet, more on this in a moment. I was very careful to avoid any talk of the past, our relationship, what happened...Just about the present and the future.

 

Of particular note, she is very discontent at her current job still. She revealed that she has ostracized herself from all her co-workers there, who used to be her best friends when I knew her. So, her friends are, mostly, all gone, aside from any NEW ones she has made (apparently she hangs out with the roomies a bit, though they both are seeing other girls). So she's looking for new employment, perhaps better schedules to work around her classes which will start in August. She's also looking for more work, a second job maybe, to earn money to help pay for the schooling, but will also need to take out loans. All in all, she's getting her act together and that's good. She talked about how busy she has been and up to but not a single mention of dating or another guy in her life.

 

On to me, I filled her in on some family developments, like my sister being pregnant, happenings in the neighborhood, in my life, etc. All very light stuff. Conversation went well during this period of around 30 minutes. She was interested and it was nice to catch up with her. I definitely have missed sharing my life with her.

 

Another interesting comment -- We were never "kid" types, never wanted kids but when I mentioned my sister's family, she said "kids don't bother me as much anymore", I asked her if she wanted a family now, and she said, I'm not sure, maybe someday - You never know! Really, she is changing into a completely different person. Financially responsible, goal-oriented, family-oriented, etc. I hate to say it made me even sadder to see her turning into a more mature woman now that we are apart.

 

All that said, still I felt things went ok and perhaps even better than ok. Then at the very end, as we were cleaning off our table getting ready to leave, she mentioned she had recently stained the deck for "a friend". This is a big deal because she barely did any work at the house, so for her to stain a deck is a BIG deal -- I said, "whose deck?" See, before this she'd been very specific about people, names, etc. This was just "a friend". She seemed to get a little nervous and evasive and then said "just a guy"...then chuckled a little more to herself, acting like it came out funny, repeating "just a guy"...I sort of realized I had backed her into a corner here that she either intentionally or unintentionally wanted to get out. She doesn't want to SAY she is with another guy, or likely OM still, I think because that makes her feel the guilt, and hurts my feelings, and all that. Yet really, she didn't need to mention the deck thing at all and it never would have came up. So I chalk it up to a bit more game playing. Wanting me to KNOW without really her having to say, perhaps. So, the last few minutes of the meetup were awkward, due to this -- As this was the moment I realized, I think I am either being friend-zoned or made out to be a backup plan.

 

Later I realized, heck, she probably hasn't unpacked yet because she's waiting for OM to give her the 'ol "come move into my house" invite...And wouldn't staining his deck for him be a great way to entice that sort of benevolent act from him? I could be stretching, and this is why NC is better than this, because now I'm back into speculation mode. I need to stop. And will.

 

Anyway, all awkwardness aside after the infamous "deck" exchange ("You never stained MY deck!" I said to quickly get out of the awkwardness, instead of my temptation to simply say there, is it the guy you are dating now's deck?). I had told myself on this meetup, no relationship talk, no talk about dates, etc.

 

Finally we're outside and it's over, this whole thing is probably 40 minutes from start to finish. We chat a few more minutes, and we hug briefly. She tells me to contact her if I want to do this again sometime, I tell her to do the same, likewise (I'm still in a bit of shell shock but I should have expected this, she's a gorgeous girl who is getting her life together, I think a guy would be lucky to have her right now). Now I'm REALLY feeling like I'm getting friend zoned. I make another mistake here and tell her that I am happy for her changes, but just wish they could have come sooner (this is me basically throwing guilt her way which probably isn't cool, but it really IS how I feel -- If we had this kind of talk/realization when we were together, instead of her running off to another guy for comfort, we would have made it). This steers her into relationship territory again...She looks down and says, "Well, I wish it didn't happen the way it happened (she still uses "it" or "it happened" as her way of talking about the cheating and the lying), but if we both come out as better people with better lives from this, it's a good thing." I think I just said, Yep...

 

We say see ya, and we part ways.

 

So there you have it, the epic mistake of the week here. I must say, had she not brought up the "friend" and "just a guy" stuff at the end, I might have called this a good first date, funny enough. In fact, without that one moment, this was a GREAT first date had this been a new date with a new girl. But when that happened, I realized I was wrong. Before that, I might have actually tried to reach out again in a week or so. I realize we are nowhere near jumping into being together again, but I guess I liked to think if she was making all these changes, and single, we could have "dated" and started fresh to see if there was anything there.

 

But I just can't do that, or see her as a friend, if her heart is with another.

 

So, now, it's back to NC -- again -- Yes, I know what you're thinking. I'm not done breaking NC. Hey, at least I never broke it FIRST. But I always caved when she did.

 

Well I can say one thing for sure. I won't be reaching out to her to seek her out to get together again. Now, I think she actually had a good time with me today. After all, most of her friends are gone, maybe all of them, so likely, OM is her ONLY good friend right now. So sure, she wants her old buddy NABDP in the back pocket for some ego boost or conversation. Well I'm not anyone's second choice or backup. So, if she reaches out, my intent will be a very brief note back letting her know that I was wrong, and cannot be friends with her right now, as I still have feelings for her, and can see that she is with another guy. And that she should please now respect my boundaries and remain out of contact, and that if things change, perhaps we can talk in the future.

 

What's cool about this experience is I still feel pretty strong, and I am loving live and dating and spending time with friends old and new. I don't need her in my life at all but seeing her grow up has made me still want her. However, I'm mature enough to realize that she may not want me, at least not in the same way, and if her heart is with another guy then that's where she is meant to be. Not with me. No way would I ever try to force that. It's a recipe for disaster down the road anyway.

 

That's the end of this epic post, congrats for making it through.

[NABDP]

I also want to add on, some clarity for those in similar situations. I realized today my ex is happy, most likely happier without me as her boyfriend/fiancee/whatever. She's happier with someone else and with her new life. So despite the pain she put me and herself through, and the memories of that, she made the right choice for her.

 

As much as I wanted her in my life (which in a way, may even be a selfish act at this point), she didn't want me in hers. At least, not in the same way. And it's totally her choice to make! So, if she's finding her way with someone else, that's her path. And who am I to keep her from that path? If the tables were turned, I would hope my ex would want the same for me. If she's truly happier now than she would be with me, wanting her back is a SELFISH act on my part.

 

I'm not a guy who waits around while life passes him by, hoping his ex comes back. I took a shot today because after reading her e-mail, I got some hope that she might be reaching out to try and reconcile. I was wrong. If she was, today was her chance to let me know that. I don't regret trying, the other way would have just left me wondering.

 

I wish her well, but moreso, I wish myself well and know I will be. I am already.

 

AlwaysConflicted, Northstar -- Curious to hear your comments if you are around!

 

EDIT/ADD: Does anyone pining for their ex but still in contact (maybe getting contacted, friend-zoned, etc) just want to hear: "I will never be able to be in a relationship with you again, other than as a friend" or "I am dating someone else and have no interest in seeing you, now or even if I'm single" just so you know to move on? I think it's the uncertainty that drives us all nuts sometimes.

Edited June 25, 2010 by NABDP

[AlwaysConflicted]

Hey bud - I was wondering what happened to you.

 

Well, I think what you did took courage and that in itself is worth a lot. You probably missed my entire thread about how I charged over to my ex's house and declared my love. I only bring it up because I think taking action requires guts and adds a tremendous amount of self worth. Even if you bomb, you feel better in some way because you tried. In my opinion, being in limbo or not knowing is the WORST feeling.

 

It's an interesting read:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t235748/

 

You did the right thing. You still have feelings for her and you played it cool. No one can predict the future and no two women are the same.

 

Sounds to me like your birthday brought a moment of nostalgia and she reached out to "thank you" for helping her "grow". You tried to capitalize on it by setting up a lunch date. So while you were you thinking "I might have a shot" she was thinking, "he's a nice friend". She is placing you into the friendzone for now.

 

That being said, relationships are difficult so the probability of this other guy working out is not good. He's a rebound.

 

I don't think it's selfish for you to want your ex back. It's romantic. I think you did good. You made your move, it didn't work, but you tried. And you know, life isn't checkers, it's chess. So maybe this move got you into the friendzone, and the next will get you back into her heart. Who's knows?, maybe she's with the other guy right now thinking "I had such a great lunch with NABDP, I miss him".

 

As for right now? Well, I suppose you should try to move on. Maybe date some girls or concentrate on a job or hobby. I may need this same advice from you in a day or so.

 

I'm curious, what would you do if she contacted you again?

[NABDP]

I'm going to go pay a visit to your thread as soon as I finish this post, AC. Had no idea that happened, sorry. I haven't been to LS in a few days.

 

I appreciate the moral support. In a way it sounds a lot like the hail mary pass that you threw as well. I did realize it was a long shot in a lot of ways. First off, she had to be interested in getting back together with me. And second, she had to be single. Two biggies considering it's been 3 months since the breakup. That's not really enough time for someone to grow and change as much as I think is necessary. Still, her email showed such signs of progress, or at least a desire to change, and even her actions yesterday proved she is maturing and changing, and striving to be better.

 

Of course, a 40 minute lunch get together isn't going to tell you much of anything. And I didn't want it to be an interrogation and I don't think she did either. We both kept the questions light and relating only to what we've been up to, mostly stopping short of bringing our past, any new relationships, etc, into it.

 

Could I have sat her down and shone a spotlight into her face and asked her if she was seeing someone? Was it the same guy as the one in the picture a few months ago? Name, rank, serial number? Did she ever think we would be worth trying again? Sure, I could have did all that, gotten my answers, and been done. And that could still happen someday. Someone told me, the only reason you don't ask those questions is out of FEAR. Fear of what the answer will be. And you never let fear drive you. Plus, then you have your answer. If it's the most likely answer, which is, of course, no, she sees no future with you as anything but a friend, and yes, she's dating another guy, well, that makes it pretty darn easy to drop off the face of the planet to her, right? As nice as it is to see her, and it genuinely was, it's also too HARD to see her as a friend, knowing there's another guy who has her heart. Despite everything that happened, 4 years is a long time, and I guess right now she still has too much of mine.

 

So yep, long story short, I think I'm in the FZ now. And I definitely think the birthday e-mail was meant to be more of a "I'm sorry, but this was necessary, and I thank you because our relationship woke me up to realize I need to grow up -- But it's too late for us now."

 

So, a flip slip-ups aside, I am glad we met, and it was a pleasure to see her and talk to her again. But continuing to do so as a friend would be too hard on me. I know that now.

 

I've actually already been doing tons with friends, going on dates with a few different girls, keeping very busy. Not waiting for her. So I'll just go right back to that and be fine. Sure, I think it would have been great if she wanted to take it slow and get to know each other again and see what happened, but I'm not going to force it.

 

If she contacts me again...I am fairly certain I already know what I will do. I'll just tell her the truth. I'll let her know that as nice as it was to see her, I also believe that she is with someone else, and as such, it's too hard to continue seeing her as there are still some feelings there on my end. And that I hope she will respect my boundaries and stay out of contact, because it's too hard to see her when those feelings are still there and I know her heart is with another.

 

It sure would have been nice to have a chance to see if our relationship could re-bloom as we both worked on changes in ourselves (yes, I've got some to make myself), but I am sensible enough to realize that as long as another guy is in the picture, that is where her focus will be.

 

Thanks for your reply AC.

[northstar1]

Hey NABDP

 

I was wondering how things were going with you.

 

Glad to see you are feeling okay after the visit. I know how tough that can be. You seem to be keeping a pretty positive outlook on it.

 

Hard to say what she's thinking, but I think you are right to expect that nothing has changed and go back to NC. If she's thinking about fixing anything, it is up to her to make that effort and be clear about it.

 

I remember a few years ago with a breakup I had, much worse than this recent one. After a few months of LC and being in a bad place, she was back in town and we met for a drink. It was all very nice and we got along well, no real awkwardness etc. But after it was over, I was wondering if it was just a friendly meeting, or if it was perhaps a step back to something. It turned out to be pretty clear afterwards that to her, it was just two 'friends' catching up. She might have still had some feelings, but in her mind there was no going back. It was painful, but it also snapped me back to reality and I was able to go back to NC and move on that much faster.

 

 

You are right that you can't continue to talk or spend time with her while you still have feelings for her and she's potentially just thinking of you as a friend. IT's way too hard to transition to that place right now.

 

As you say, no regrets and you won't be kicking yourself wondering if you'd met, what would have happened etc. You did it, and gauged her interest and now have enough of an answer of where her heart is to make your own decisions for you

 

Keep on doing what you are doing, and enjoy life without looking back.

[northstar1]

Hey NABDP

 

I was wondering how things were going with you.

 

Glad to see you are feeling okay after the visit. I know how tough that can be. You seem to be keeping a pretty positive outlook on it.

 

Hard to say what she's thinking, but I think you are right to expect that nothing has changed and go back to NC. If she's thinking about fixing anything, it is up to her to make that effort and be clear about it.

 

I remember a few years ago with a breakup I had, much worse than this recent one. After a few months of LC and being in a bad place, she was back in town and we met for a drink. It was all very nice and we got along well, no real awkwardness etc. But after it was over, I was wondering if it was just a friendly meeting, or if it was perhaps a step back to something. It turned out to be pretty clear afterwards that to her, it was just two 'friends' catching up. She might have still had some feelings, but in her mind there was no going back. It was painful, but it also snapped me back to reality and I was able to go back to NC and move on that much faster.

 

 

You are right that you can't continue to talk or spend time with her while you still have feelings for her and she's potentially just thinking of you as a friend. IT's way too hard to transition to that place right now.

 

As you say, no regrets and you won't be kicking yourself wondering if you'd met, what would have happened etc. You did it, and gauged her interest and now have enough of an answer of where her heart is to make your own decisions for you

 

Keep on doing what you are doing, and enjoy life without looking back.

[TidalLife]

EDIT/ADD: Does anyone pining for their ex but still in contact (maybe getting contacted, friend-zoned, etc) just want to hear: "I will never be able to be in a relationship with you again, other than as a friend" or "I am dating someone else and have no interest in seeing you, now or even if I'm single" just so you know to move on? I think it's the uncertainty that drives us all nuts sometimes.

 

 

NABDP,

 

Yes, I would actually like to hear that from my ex! I originally told her that her friendship was very important to me and of course she thanked me for that, but I now believe that is only onesided. I have become an option for her imo. She might respond to my text's , but it's usually hours maybe even days later. I thought we actually had something planned this past weekend, but the day rolled around and no contact from her. She finally text me at 430 am sunday morning to say, "sorry I didn't call" with and added excuse. That afternoon it continued to eat at me so I broke again and responded. She reponded back last night at 11pm, hmmm, why so late? Maybe she's just leaving from being with another guy! Don't know, but I didn't respond...so today is the first day of no contact.

[NABDP]

Hi all - Figured I'd give an update here for anyone who cared as I catch up on some things online.

 

I'm not going to go into a lot of detail, but I just spent a really fantastic long weekend with her. After our get-togethers last week, where I initially thought I was getting sort of friend-zoned, she reached out to let me know she was single, and would like to see me again, and things just sort of progressed from there. We were never really good at communicating, either of us, and it partially responsible for the downfall of our relationship -- So this time, we both seemed to just open up a lot more. At first, we just wanted to catch up on our lives and how we were doing. But as the days went on, we also ended up talking a lot about what happened between us, but in a way that I felt was a really constructive way to do it. We both have work we want to do, and realize our shortcomings. That's clear. So now the challenge will be to continue down that path, and not fall back into old patterns, the ones that destroyed the bond we had before. It was a lot of fun just being close to her again, to verbalize things that had been on my mind in the past months, to wake up and see her in the morning or to feel her close in the bed in the middle of the night...To joke around, laugh, hold hands, and just remember what it was that made us fall in the love the first time. I missed her.

 

I think she and I are both approaching this the same way, which is a good thing. At first I thought we might both want to fast forward and know where this is going to take us. But honestly, I had such a good time getting to know her all over again, and I think she felt the same, that this is a second chance worth taking. I'm actually enjoying starting this "new" relationship, putting the mistakes in the past, rebuilding trust, strengthening that connection...It might just possibly give us a stronger relationship than we ever could have had before.

 

We're going to continue living separately for now, which is good -- As much as I enjoyed having her back with me, I think we both know it would be a mistake to take things too fast...Continuing to spend some time apart will hopefully allow us to continue making changes in ourselves that we want to make, and make us appreciate each other more, too. I know I took her being around for granted a lot and I don't want to do that again. We eventually lived together but separate, if that makes any sense. Never again. It was a mistake. Couples take note - Time together is never something to forget making time for.

 

For her end, I appreciated everything she had to say about what happened to us. She has been very open and it's been helpful to fill in the gaps and realize my role in our split. I think we're both glad we didn't get married now, not because we didn't love each other, but because we were entering into it at the wrong time for us...Things had been worse, not better, between us back then, so not getting married might have actually SAVED us. She said she knew she didn't want to go through with it if she wasn't sure, and I totally agreed, so it took guts to call it off, but it was the right thing. It got us to where we are today. We're both in an ok place. And we don't have the burden of a divorce on our hands. Thank goodness.

 

She has done some counseling and has started to become an even more responsible mature woman - Taking on a second job, furthering her education and career, and being a lot more self-reflective about herself and her own areas for improvement. I know it's early on in the process, same as it is for me, but I have to say I am loving what I see so far. She's the most beautiful girl I've ever had the pleasure to know, and I have always loved her regardless of what ups and downs we went through...But to see her taking steps like this makes her all that more endearing to me. I'm really proud of her, and happy for her, too. She is impressing me.

 

As for our situation, we both agreed to focus on our own lives, and us together, dating each other again, and to not date anyone else (very important to me, and to her too I think). I don't think that would be fair to either of us and she agreed. I told her she could see others if she wanted to, but if that was her choice, it would have to be without me in her life. I am not a backup option if nothing better is around. Further, I think she also realizes that if this were to ever happen again, if she were to lie, or go behind my back on anything, there would be no "third chance". Afer taking this chance, just to get burned again, I would never want to see her or speak to her again. That's not to say we might just not work out anyway, but so long as that's not because of any lying or cheating, I can accept that. This is a big step for me, as many would imagine it might have been easier to just walk away. I feel strongly enough about her and care for her enough that I truly want to give this a try. And I'm so glad that I did.

 

I'm not sure how much I will be around these forums, at least this one, as I want to focus on bettering myself and working on this new relationship with her, as it's very important to me -- Though there may be some useful other forums here as we go on this ride together again. I want to have a better relationship with her than ever before. Or who knows, we could crash and burn and I'll be back here sooner than later like so many other reconciliation attempts that you see here. I guess in reading what's happened to others I can be realistic about having the best intentions and having this fail, but it sure would be nice to come back here in a year, heck, even 5+ years, with news that we not only made it, but that our relationship was better than it ever was before. I think if we continue to do what we're started to do, we've got a pretty good shot.

 

Thanks to all of you who have posted here or even just lurked and read, I hope my story can give some of you hope, as I hope for the best for she and I, as well as for the best for those of you going though similar situations. Stay strong.

[nihilanth100]

NABDP - You pretty much summed up how I would see getting back with my ex. Rather not getting back (there is no going back) but forming a truly new and different relationship where each has changed the flaws and you begin again. I think it would be exciting to date your ex again as long as it was exclusive like you say.

 

I hope the best for you, but definitely keep us updated on how it is working out since you may be that rare oddity that gets it to work!

 

-N

[hurt and devastated]

I'm really hoping things work out for the two of you. It's nice to see where people are actually able to work things out for a change, or at least willing to try.

[lunita]

Hey congrats to you. It's nice to see some happy stories on here. I think I'm moving towards that right now and I appreciate you coming back to fill us in.

 

Hang in there and good luck.

[AlwaysConflicted]

Congrats! That's really wonderful news.

[NABDP]

Thanks - It took a lot of things to align to get to this point, which is why I think so many don't ever even get this far. First, you have to have love for each other even after you broke up, because if one person doesn't like the other anymore, there's not a lot of hope. We just had differences that we didn't know how to verbalize or resolve at the time. You also need to be in a situation where you're willing to admit mistakes and talk about them in a constructive way. That's from both sides. And you have to be willing to forgive each other for those mistakes. But I think the key is even just getting to that stage where you are talking again. That was the tough part. I don't know if we'd have gotten here if we both weren't willing to talk and the timing wasn't right. She reached out and I was willing to reach back, and we didn't let it stall out. But a LOT had to happen, including breaking NC when it felt right, actually talking, being willing to forgive, not fight, remember what brought us together in the first place...We're a lot more alike than I realized and I genuinely enjoy her being a part of my life.

 

There was a lot that had to line up for us to even get to this point. And where we are at now is a still a scary point. I think there are still nerves and uncertainty on both sides. I don't want us to fall into old patterns and I don't think she wants to, either. She has been 100% open with me about anything going on in her life, people she's talking to, getting texts from, etc -- And I think that's going a long way in rebuilding trust, which is the most important thing to me right now. I feel like she really understands my feelings on that though, and has gone above and beyond to not be evasive or secretive about anything, and I have appreciated that so much. Trust aside, my biggest fear is that I'm just a temporary comfort until she finds someone else down the road. Of course I don't want to feel that way and I wouldn't be with her now if I thought that was true, but sure, I guess there's that worry that it happened before, and it could happen again. I just think if we stay as open as we have been, we can prevent things from ever getting to that point again -- Neither of us were in a good place when we broke up and I've told her calling off the wedding had to be done, and it was a courageous thing for her to do. We shouldn't have been entering into a marriage the way our relationship was then.

 

I don't want her to be with me for the wrong reasons. I want her to be here because she values me as her partner in life, not just because it's familiar and easy to be with me again. But I guess the easy way would have been not seeing each other and just truly starting over. I'm happy we both had the courage to get together and try. I'm valuing every moment of it. I guess it's really all about actions over words. You can talk and say all you want about it, but it's in how we are when we're spending time together. I'm sure she's hoping that the issues I'm working on will stick as well. It works both ways. This isn't all on her, it's on me too. But it's so funny how you can miss the simplest things, things you took for granted while you were together. For example, today we both just decided to take a nap in the afternoon. Having her close to me, falling asleep in each other's arms and waking up to her that way, it was just really nice.

 

We're still having some unexpected conversations about the past, and I ultimately think it's a good thing that we're not just ignoring it. It's scary though, because I don't want it to come across as accusing or an argument and I think it can be a fine line before it can get to that point. However, it really is important that we keep the lines of communication 100% open, and if we are having feelings about anything, past or present, that we talk about them. It's just been happening at sort of unplanned times lately and I think that makes it a somewhat emotional. I just hope that it's not coming across as negative. The positives of being back together and having her in my life again, and getting to know each other all over again, outweigh any of our differences from the past.

 

I think it really boils down to this simple concept: Does it make her happy to be with me, and does it make me happy to be with her? That's about as simple as it gets. I think we're both realizing we enjoy each other. She makes me happy and I think I make her happy. We like being with each other and miss each other when we're apart. If it's to a point where you're happier apart, that's when it doesn't work anymore. So that's the question to ask I guess -- Are you happier with this person in your life? I am enjoying having her as a part of my life again -- I hope she feels the same way. It's weird, but in a good way...Hard to explain, but kind of as close of a reset button you can get in life. I just don't want to reset to come with us forgetting what got us here, I want to really take advantage of what we learned and use it to make us better. It's still REALLY early but thanks for all the words of support. I'd love nothing more than to continue posting good news. I expect there will be some bumps on the way, but if we keep being open about what's on our mind we are already so far ahead of where we ever were before.

[NABDP]

Anyone still around? This thread has enough views, and in a way it's been good to look back and write this stuff out, so I figured I'd come back if anything eventful happened. Plus I'm back to not sleeping so great tonight so I figure I'd post while stuff was fresh in my mind. Might be a little long. Can't sleep due to the fighting, I'm pretty upset about it but knew this was a risk going into a reconciliation, too.

 

Yes, sadly, it looks like our new relationship made it around exactly a month and it's done. Shame, too, as it truly had been sort of a fairy-tale type thing for the past month. I'd been loving getting to know her all over again, enjoying our time together, and just genuinely feeling happy to have her back in my life. We'd also been pretty open about how each other was feeling and it felt like we were talking steps to make our relationship the #1 priority over all other things, and working on our communication which was something lacking before.

 

One of the things I promised myself when we were reconnecting was that I would set some boundaries and not walk on eggshells, and that if something was bothering me or on my mind I would talk to her about it. If she had the same feeling she would tell me as well. And it had been working well up until today. Open communication was good. She had received some attempts of contact from guys she'd dated in the past, including even the guy she was hanging with behind my back before we broke up, and she'd been very open and honest with me about it, and was also pushing back to let them know she was trying to reconcile with me. Likewise, I had also decided to cut any communications with anyone I had been dating or talking to in order to focus on us. Sure, it was weird to see that these guys weren't out of the picture, but I was happy that she was being up front with me about it, as well as letting them know that she was unavailable. That was all I could really ask for and she was great about it.

 

The big issue that she wasn't trying to hide, but was ongoing, was contact with her ex boyfriend, the one she was with before me over 4 years ago. Apparently he has just gone through a bad breakup so they were in contact about it, had hung out a few times, and were texting occasionally. They were also facebook friends. Turns out she had also been in occasional contact with him back when we were together too, just keeping in touch. I wasn't aware of this. So it had been on my mind, and bothering me. Maybe a little immature of me, even borderline controlling, but I would rather she not be in contact with an ex, at least not right now with us in such a delicate spot ourselves. She seemed receptive to this in the past and had been discussing eliminating facebook and similar things in order to focus on us.

 

So, with all this on my mind, while we were out tonight for some food and a few beers, (probably a bad time to bring it up after drinking a bit), I brought up the fact that her contact with her ex bothered me and I was wishing it would stop. She seemed understanding at first, but she also wanted me to know I was overreacting and had nothing to worry about. Unfortunately then it got pushed back on me, as she also had some issues with my friending an ex of my own on facebook (which happened a little over a month ago, just before she and I got back together). I can certainly see how that would bother her, as I know how it feels to be on the other side of that (seeing her friends with an ex on facebook) so the logical solution to that, in my opinion, would be a mutual agreement to stop any sort of friends/contact with exes through facebook or otherwise. I let her know I was ready to do this if she would agree to the same.

 

She agreed, but really seemed to be pushing back that she was being totally open with me, and she shouldn't have to stop talking to her ex, that they were just friends and had been for years, and that she didn't know how to break contact...And that since my ex had only recently gotten in contact with me, that it was different and that I definitely should not be in touch with her. So I guess this was the whole basis for the disagreement -- She didn't want me talking to my ex in any way, but she didn't feel that talking to hers was a problem. It was different. I guess there are little nuances to it, but that's the basic disagreement that's gotten me to the point of being here and sharing this, and pushed us apart once again.

 

Much like the conversation, I feel like this post is a little disjointed but then again maybe that's a good way to look back at it. Somehow we managed to take an issue that should have been able to be discussed in 60 seconds and turned it into a half an hour argument that wouldn't stop. Every time I think back to an argument I have with her, I wish it never even started...I really do. I almost even know when it's going to happen because I think what's in my head doesn't always come out of my mouth the way I want it to. I really just wanted her to know how I was feeling about it, not for her to feel attacked...But mix in the alcohol and you have a recipe for disaster. No one wants to hear that their significant other doesn't like their actions, I guess. But I was just being honest, to her and to myself, because I DID promise myself that no matter what, I would always be open about how I was feeling. It was just the wrong place and the wrong time tonight, I think. That's my fault.

 

The solution to me seemed easy enough - Drop our facebook accounts as we'd been discussing, and agree to not have any contact with any ex's, especially while we were so early in our new relationship here. It was a bit confusing because she seemed willing to do that, as did I, but when I actually tried to agree, she stopped short, saying that my ex was a different situation, and that while it was ok for her to be in contact with her ex, because they have been friends a long time, it wasn't ok for me to be in any contact with mine.

 

Mine is in a relationship and lives hours away. We haven't talked except to exchange a few catching up messages a month ago. That was the end of it. Her ex lives in town, is single, and has continued to be in contact with her as recently as yesterday. I think some of you can see how that might be a bit of a trigger for me, even though I did believe her when she said it was nothing but a friends thing...It just bugged me anyway. So the irony of it all is, I guess in a way, she chose her ex over me, as in insisting she stay in contact with him, and that it shouldn't be a problem for me, it's pushed us apart.

 

The discussion/argument continued on the ride home and then at home, I guess the alcohol had more time to settle into our brains and emotion levels went up -- I tried to just put an end to the argument by mutually agreeing to delete our facebook accounts (something that was her idea and I was looking forward to doing) and agreeing to end any other contact with our exes. But she didn't seem to like the idea of cutting ties 100% with them, and said that she couldn't be sure it would happen with texting and all that stuff still an option -- True enough, it's not like facebook being deleted prevents someone from finding you, but it was a good start. And the honor system was fine with me. Before it was over, doors were slammed, tears were shed, and before I knew it, she was grabbing all the things she had brought over, having planned to stay the night, and was in her car and out the door and gone. It was sad. I tried a few times to get her to stay and talk, but she just wanted to go.

 

I certainly have zero problems with completely cutting ties with any ex girlfriends of mine, especially when I am in a relationship. I think if you're single and not committed to anyone else, to talk to an ex is not a bad thing, but do feel that they have no place in your life if you're in a relationship with someone else. Some may disagree with me on that point, but I think it can only lead to trouble or hurt feelings. Not always the case, sure, but a good general rule. So I guess I'm sad to see that was what pushed us apart, as if she had any doubts about my willingness to commit to that, she shouldn't have -- But maybe the sticking point was that while I would 100% do that, she couldn't say the same for her end.

 

As we said when we got back together, this whole thing is a learning and a growing process. I'm sure that I made her feel on the defensive in telling her I didn't like the guy or the fat they were in contact, as she felt she was doing the right thing in being open about it. And while I can't be sure, I would suspect she's probably upset that she reacted so emotionally and jetted off home as well. Before she left, she cried and seemed upset that this was happening, sort of like the record skipping back 4 months to our arguments before we broke up. It felt like nothing had changed, and we hadn't learned anything, and it was frustrating to see that perhaps we hadn't grown or learned as we thought we did. I was definitely disappointed to find myself in another alcohol-fueled discussion turned argument turned slamming doors and running away situation...I thought we had realized it solved nothing to do that, yet there we were, right back in that exact same position, anyway. Sigh.

 

Second chances are great and I have zero regrets that we tried. I really did enjoy having her back in my life and it's unfortunate to have to be here posting this news. I'm not surprised that we had an argument tonight, I knew that these types of things had to happen, that things would not be honeymoon-perfect, but I was disappointed and even a little surprised that her reaction was so strong. I thought we'd at least learned from the past that slamming doors and running away instead of facing the issues just made things worse. I also blame myself for belaboring something that very likely should have been a brief discussion, and not one started in public after consuming alcohol, so like most things it's a 2-way street. I'm not sorry I brought it up, though, one thing I told her early on is that I wasn't going to bottle things up that were on my mind.

 

I gotta say after things going so well for a few weeks, getting a beautiful card/note from her, and so much of us actually listening to each other and understanding what we were feeling, to have experienced tonight was a letdown, as it was such a setback to where I thought we were heading. I'd hoped we were past the point of those kind of arguments, but I guess we're not. That really bummed me out.

 

What next? I dunno. If this is the end of the reconciliation, then that's the way it is. I am disappointed but can move on from it. I'll keep you all posted, even if this is just me talking to ,the air, it's good to get this stuff out there. Maybe it can help some of you, too, as it helps me to write it all out. It helps me put things into perspective and realize my own mistakes, but also to see that relationships are a two way street and a lot of work, especially second chances.

 

I wish my ex and I could have reached that point of agreement where we had totally cut ex boyfriends and girlfriends out 100%, but for whatever reason I guess the stalemate that I wanted to end tonight wasn't going to, and the desire to keep other guys in her life was too strong to let go. All I wanted was for both of us to agree to cut those other ties and be done with it -- I know I was willing, ready, and able.

 

I think the most upsetting part of it is that I thought things were going really well. The card she gave me was beautiful, and expressed desires for a future together. I felt like we were done letting minor issues come between us. So to see that an argument about her texting her ex, and me being friends with mine on facebook, was enough for her to pack up and go, is disappointing. After all that talk about not sweating the small stuff, dropping the drama, and appreciating each other, this one argument tonight is all that it took for her to quit! It sucks to see that she wasn't as dedicated to this as I thought she was, that she could once again walk away so easily, at the drop of a hat. An hour before the argument started, we were having a great time. An hour later, she was packed up and gone. Just like that.

 

Those of you who are in a second chance situation remember every day, what got you there, and do your best not to repeat the mistakes of the past. And if you see yourself going there, and you likely will (as we did today), try and take a step back, tell yourselves this is where you were, not where you want to be, and hopefully you can move through it. I wish we could have.

Edited July 22, 2010 by NABDP

[archivist]

Hey man, hang in there and keep us updated. It really looked like things were going to work out for you both. Keep your cool and all the best. It doesn't look like you need any advice as you know what you are doing already. I just hope it works out for you. You've already got that second chance which is a lot better most of the people on here.

[nihilanth100]

I read it all. I have learned much.

 

Thanks for telling us your experience NABDP.

 

I suppose now all you can do is learn from it and apply it to the next relationship.

 

Good luck

[AlwaysConflicted]

Read it! Phew, that was like a novel. It doesn't sound like it's officially over.

 

Thanks for sharing all your feelings and updating us on your situation.

 

Unfortunately, there is a reason why people breakup and why 2nd, 3rd and 4th chances rarely work. There's a personality conflict that doesn't mesh well for whatever reason. Perhaps, you two can work through it, but to be honest it sounds like an incredible amount of work. It shouldn't be this hard to love a woman and be happy.

 

You and I have had quite a few conversations at various points in our breakups. You've seen me quite low but I'm in a very different place now. I understand that a 2nd chance with my ex would be like trying to bridge the gap between North and South Korea. Is it possible? Yeah maybe, but it's going to take years and an insurmountable amount of patience. F* that.

 

I support you in whatever choice you make.

[WithOrWithoutYou]

Yeah I agree. It's a connection thing. It's clear to me now. I made the mistake of assuming her reaching out might have been an attempt to reconcile or at least get together to talk or something, but when you look historically at posts here, MOST of the time, these things are done to keep you on the line as a backup plan or to give them an ego boost when they are down.

 

But I don't want to be anyone's backup plan or kept on the line like that, so I will remember that if she tries this again. Solear you were good to not respond at all. I wish I would have done the same, but I learned my lesson. It's set me back a bit, mostly the "I'm in Florida this weekend" thing because I didn't ask her and she felt the need to offer that up anyway, sort of a way to brag about all the great stuff she is doing without me. Which I didn't want to know (that's the reason for NC).

 

I will be okay, but it's a setback. But now I totally understand why people say, you wish for them to contact you, but when they do and you break your NC rule back it's almost always the wrong decision.

 

I was going to say something, but if you have doubts about what your course of action should be, just re-read your own post from the past here. You had it figured out here. Exes are generally exes for a reason. They will call you, text you, accidentally run into you, tell you they miss you, come back for a while, maybe even sleep with you, and sometimes, they may even be sincere, but always keep in mind why you are no longer together. Do not be quick to return what is left of your heart to someone who so readily broke it. Second chances can and do happen, but most of the time, it is someone looking for their own closure - at your expense. Keep a hold on your heart, even if you get back together, at least for a while.

[NABDP]

Well, it turned out to be just a drunken fight really, and nothing more. We were both a little shaken up the day after and apologetic.

 

If I learned anything, we both learned actually, it's that we should NOT talk about exes or relationship stuff when we are drinking. There's plenty of time to talk about that stuff when we're sober. Just no reason to talk about it under the influence of alcohol.

 

That said, still, I was a bit disappointed, and she was too (she said it was immature of her), that simply expressing discontent that she was in contact with an ex of hers was enough for her to fly off the handle, get enraged, and speed away. It took us back years to our worst arguments and it resolved nothing.

 

And that's just it really - It doesn't resolve anything. I think that, especially when she drinks, if she can't really process or answer to something, her solution is to get angry and run away. Unfortunately, it's not a positive characteristic at all. This even happens at times when she isn't drinking, just not as severe. The fact of the matter is that, when I'm saying something she doesn't like, she has a lot of trouble handling that. I wish she would understand I was just trying to resolve things by talking about how I felt, not take it as an attack.

 

At the end of the day, we're now sort of back to a point where we just avoid talking about it and I hate that. The good thing is we both got rid of Facebook. Hated it anyway and don't miss it. But now I think we're at a point where she won't tell me if she's talking to her ex at all anymore, and if I ask her, she acts angry that I even asked. Before she was at least sharing the fact they were in touch with me, but now that I have told her I don't like it, I think instead of stopping, she just might be keeping it from me. I dunno.

 

It's not that I think she's doing anything wrong. We're together in our free time mostly and her time is accounted for, so it's not like she's sneaking around. I just think she genuinely considers this ex of hers a friend, and wants to be in touch with him. Unfortunately I just don't like it, as much as I wish I could say, go ahead, talk to him all you want, I don't like it -- And she hasn't said what I'd hoped she would say, something along the lines of "Since it bothers you I am going to let him know that I need to work on my relationship with you and that means not having him as a part of my life anymore." I have zero problems cutting ex girlfriends out of my life when I am with someone. I think having an ex, not a friend of the opposite sex mind you, but an EX that you have been intimate with, in your life, while you are with someone else, is a BAD idea. That just won't change.

 

I think for her, she thinks me having my ex girlfriends in my life is not acceptable, but she should be free to have ex boyfriends around. It just plain isn't fair. We're in such a delicate spot still, trying to rebuild trust, and the fact that my asking her, telling her that it bothered me that she was in communication with her ex, upset HER, was tough.

 

The funny thing is we're doing great otherwise. I love having her in my life again. I'm having a great time with her. We are working through a lot of other things and I can see she is truly trying. It's just that one point I'm stuck on. I have a feeling she still gets occasional messages or even calls from these guys in her past and now she just won't tell me. All I asked is that if someone tried to contact her, she told me, then told them to please stop so she can focus on us. That's all I wanted. I'm happy to do the same for her.

 

Anyway, will keep you posted here. Typing this out is a good journal for me, too. I realize how bad of a listener I was and I am working on that. I have been trying to listen constructively and I think I am doing better. It's not an overnight change but I am trying. The funny thing in doing it is that I think I am realizing she doesn't really listen to me very well either. It's gotta work both ways.

 

All that said I am being a little picky, and probably paranoid too, but I think it's not unreasonable to feel that way especially this early on. I hope over time the past fades away and we just remember our new relationship and we can do it better. I want to get to a point where we can be totally open with one another, even when we disagree, and not have it turn into a fight. I want to communicate better.

 

I hope she knows how much I want this to work, and I think she wants it to work, too. I really think we are good together and that if we just consider each others feelings, listen, and treat each other with respect, we can be the couple I always knew we could be.

 

The story continues...Will come back if I have more to say.

[Binster]

Sorry about the problems mate like most on here I was looking for a happy ending.

But even now you never know.

[spellcatcher]

I can't say for certain, but that wouldn't be enough for me to believe she's having second thoughts. She could be throwing out bait to see if you'll bite for an ego stroke. She may even truly miss you but it also may be that missing you is not enough for her to want you back in a relationship.

 

Leave it for now man. If she truly is thinking she wants to come back for you, then she had better put up a hell of a lot better show than a simple three word text. Like the type where she shows up at your door, willing to do anything to try again.

 

That's a bit unfair... i mean that ONLY happens in movies and will never happen in real life... whether from a man or a woman... heres why...

 

Because no breakup is entirely one sided... most of the times issues arose on both sides and both parties were hurt... even the one who did the leaving. A person will always try a baby step to test the water... and if any reconciliation is to happen... both partners need to meet eachother half way. There is no way someone will give up their share of dignity in a relationship 100%... because even if they do and it will result in you taking them back... the relationship that will result will be crippled and imbalanced... one sided... and not worth sustaining.

 

It's a two people effort.

[lunita]

I'm glad you guys were able to talk through things again. Let me ask you this.

 

Is it better to be with your girlfriend now, or is it more important to fight about exes?

 

Because if you keep arguing, you will not get to be with her anymore.

 

I am still not in the clear with my ex but he's calling me a lot now and asking me to do things just like old times and things are really looking up. But during this whole horrible time of being broken up, I've learned that there are just some things NOT worth fighting over. And in talking with my friends the problems that me and my ex had were the same freakin problems all my married friends and friends in relationships are having. The problems are common and though irritating....really not worth the fight or risk of breaking up again. They are things that all my friends in relationships have told me aren't worth the battle. It's better to be in a relationship that's peaceful than argue about stuff that you should learn to let go of. I'm NOT saying be a push over, but for example, it would irritate me that my ex would make plans with his friends and only tell me last minute. I felt like he did this on purpose and didn't care that I maybe wanted to know so that I could make plans with my friends also OR that I wanted to do something with him. OR why the heck am I not invited too!!!???. I came to realize...he PROBABLY FORGOT. Who cares, if he's busy, I should go out and have fun for myself anyways.

 

I also want to say that I'm friends with quite a few of my exes and honestly, I've been there done that. Not interested in anything more than friendship with them anymore. They feel the same. But I'm happy to have them in my life to lend support when needed or crack a joke here and there. It's NOTHING more than that. I don't know if it's the same with your girlfriend and her friendship with her exes, but think about it, she's not with them. She's with YOU and she's clearly trying to make this work. Perhaps a better compromise is just to be open about talking to exes with eachother and sharing the things that are discussed versus blocking or deleting accounts. Do you guys really need to delete accounts? Just post things like "You're a doll, thanks for the last night" on her wall and see if her exes like THAT. Just kidding but you get me? Its better if you're open about your communications with people, exes or not, than to try and solve the problem by deleting accounts. Is the next step to throw away your phones?

 

Hang in there you guys are really trying and that's great. Like I said, pick your battles.

 

Oh and yeah, don't talk about relationship stuff when you're drunk. Big no no.

[Not strong enough]

It seems to me that cell phones and social networking sites ruin relationships faster then anything in the history of man. It's too easy for people to be hit on, to easy for curiousity to get the best of people, and to easy to talk to people informally, takes the guilt out of cheating and makes otherwise healthy relationship bad.