Ckyh Posted May 29, 2010 Posted May 29, 2010 (Sorry in advance for the long message...) my ex and I are now both 30. I broke up with him last november and it has only just hit me recently...We went out together when I was 18 for less than a year and again, after we met up through mutual friends 6 years later when I was 24. He always said that he would never give ex's second chances and I was the only ever exception. During the five and bit years we were together, he has always been an amazing bf. Romantic, kind, strong, did everything to make me laugh - even if it was embarrassing and was supportive in everything I did. He was my best friend and I believe, my soul mate who would have been an amazing husband and father. Even though he was an amazing guy, there were obviously flaws which is what made me end the relationship...I might come across shallow? Stupid? Selfish? I don't know. You tell me. my ex has always been quite a private person...if something bad was happening with his family, he wouldn't tell me what it was. Eg. I knew his sister had some health issues and another had marriage issues that was depressing him, but he would never talk to me about it as he said that it is not my concern and therefore, nothing I needed to know about. This hurt me deep inside as it felt like he didn't want to share things with me even though he was the first person I spoke to whenever I was faced with something that made me unhappy. He would also frequently tell me that he felt numb at times and could not explain why so he would shut himself out from me. These times really frustrated me but now that I think about it, I think it's because there were a lot of unhappy things happening in his life and it was grating on him...I really feel that I shouldve been more supportive gf to him... His dad passed away when he was in college so his mum means the world to him. He has 6 brothers and sisters and he is the youngest. His mum has unfortunately got parkinson's disease which has caused her health to deteriorate over the years. She is in her 70s now and has trouble with a lot of things in daily life including walking. My ex is the youngest child and also the one that seems to care about his mum the most. He gives her daily massages, helps her go to the toilet and takes her to the doctors and even gynecologist (even though the sister lives with her. He currently lives down the road from her). He has always put his mum as number one in his life and it is totally understandable. I was never going to be his number one. I think our relationship really started 'hitting the rocks' as I have always been a sociable person who likes to go out, experience new things, meet new people etc. Whereas he preferred to stay indoors most times and stopped socialising..even with his friends. He occasionally met up with his best mate, but that was it. (but I've only just realised that this may have been due to the fact that he was tired from work and his mum and also due to the fact that he wanted to save money). I always used to try to get him to go out and try new things such as dragon boat racing, visiting the nottinghill carnival etc which were all free but I would always get a flat response saying. Nah. Not my thing/not interested. I was frustrated and would end up going without him. Then afterwards, I could feel resentment from him as he would mention that I would make an effort with friends but not with him...and in turn, this started annoying me as I had asked him to join in but he didn't want to. In the end, towards the last year or so, we ended up staying indoors most times, with him cooking (he was an amazing cook and always decorated the food so that it looked like we were in a restaurant. And he would make heart shapes etc. It always made me feel really happy seeing the effort he put into it). We talked about marriage but in the back of my mind, I was always a lil scared as he wasn't financially secure enough so that we could set up a home and start a family if I couldnt work. I know this is really materialistic. But I want to make sure that my future children would not have to suffer and I didn't want any reason to resent my husband in future either. Anyhow, I knew if I was with him, I could have been very happy even if we were poor. But what stopped me from staying with him in the end was when he told me that he would not buy a property with me as he wanted to buy a house with his brother (who is currently living with his mum) so that they could live with his mum - they wanted to give her more space and a garden so that she could live more comfortably. I know they are doing what any good son would do and in a way I was happy that he thought like that...however, I was sad that I was not his priority...and sad as I knew if we got married, we would struggle a lot. (his brother chose a house that cost a LOT MORE than expected, which meant his mortgage payments each month was very high). Knowing this, my mind went on an absolute field trip. I kept thinking, how would we survive financially, how can we afford to get married? How can we have kids? Will my bf change into a different person when he starts living with his mum? (I've seen him in the past, when he has had to live with her for one week. He ended up being so miserable and depressed as he could see what the disease was doing to her and she would frequently act like a child if she could not get his attention. It was really draining him and depressing him and I couldn't cheer him up. But also, as he kept a lot of his feelings hidden, sometimes he came over as moody to me as, it didn't click why he was acting that way...) in my mind, I was thinking to myself, if I moved in with him, could we cope as a couple? Would I end up resenting him? his mum? What would happen if we had kids? We did talk about things but I never mentioned anything about money or me coping with his mum's condition or how he would cope as he had always said that he would end any relationship if it got between him and his mum. And I didn't mention the financial stuff as I know he has always done his best in life and it was only slow as we are going through a recession hence there is currently no chance of pay increases etc... With the living situation, he said that we could live in the flat his mum is currently living in as it's cheap rent. But I truly didn't want to as it is council housing where you have lots of kids smoking pot on the stairwells and people being murdered on the same street. I know that sounds totally selfish but I've always had a sheltered life. (my family and I are working class and def not rich, my parents worked hard all their lives and my dad is still working hard as a waiter) hence we currently live in a house in a reasonably safe neighbourhood. I just couldn't see myself living in a scary block of flats...I had suggested to him that I try to buy a place on my own, but he kind of snapped at me saying "just because I buy I place, you have to too?!!" - it started sounding like a competition?! But it was said in quite a nasty way...so I never mentioned it again and the resentment built up more inside me. (He only informed me recently that my tone was sarcastic hence he snapped at me) anyhow, after that I ended up going out more and socialising without him as he had to look after his mum a lot and as we were not doing anything apart from playing wii, making love (which was truly amazing) and eating his amazing food which he loved to cook for me. I truely did start feeling really depressed and bored. ESP as I knew other friends in couples were always doing something new and exciting. I started longing for things like that too. I was becoming jealous of what others had. Even though my bf was the most loyal, romantic, sweet bf. But a lot of the romantic stuff stopped happening and I started taking him for granted. Forgetting the horrible situation that he was facing in life with his family issues. I stopped visiting his mum much as I felt depressed seeing her. She had lost so much weight and every time I spoke to her, she would tell me that she couldn't sleep or eat and how bad life was. It was horrible to hear and unfortunately it's not something that my bf could shut out from his life, like i selfishly had... After our discussion about marriage/him buying with his bro, I can't remember exact details but we ended up going on a break as we were annoying each other more frequently and got very snappy with one another. He always said that he is not the type to go on a break as he has always been very black or White. Either in it 100% or not. But I guess as he did truely love me that much, as he was willing to give it a go. Around this time, I had met some new friends and one was rather flirty with me. It was refreshing and exciting for me and I guess this was a really bad time to have a distraction as I never had the chance to really take advantage off the break and I truely do regret it. When I met up with my bf again, we were actually going on a holiday. A few days with his close friends then a few days in hk as he had never been before. I can honestly say that I was a horrible person to him on that trip. I did not hold his hand as I was resenting him for not placing me as number one in his life (which is understandable) and for not being able to fulfil the dreams I truely wanted with him. In addition, the distraction of this other guy really did not help (even though the thought of doing anything with this other guy had never crossed my mind, as I would never cheat. I just enjoyed the excitement of new attention...) on the last day of our trip, we went clubbing and it was the first time my bf had ever upset me. We went out with group of friends which included my cousin and brother. My bf ended up wondering off with my friend's friend and didn't tell me. He vanished for most the night and everytime I saw him, he was with this other girl. Pure jealously engulfed me even though I knew that girl did not like my bf. I ended up storming off and he followed me. When we were in hk. We had agreed that things were over and he told me that he would cut all ties with me by changing his email addresses,phone number and obviously address as he wouldvr been moving. I was devastated when he told me this and begged him to stay friends as he was so important to me. He refused and said that his policy in life is to never stay in touch with ex's. A few days before the club when we had this discussion, he said to me please promise me one thing. I asked what. He said whilst we are on this trip, please don't flirt with other guys in front of him. I said. Of course I won't. So when he wondered off with this girl, I felt like my heart had been ripped out and i told him when we got back to the flat. How dare he ask me to promise me that, then he turn around and spend time with that girl in front of me. He said he thought she was my friend that's why he was friendly. I told him, he might as well have been making love to her in front of me. I have never been so upset. Anyhow, we landed home and my dad came to pick me up meaning that we didn't say goodbye to each other. We were really civilised and still cared for each other. He texted me afterwards and said he was glad that my dad picked me up so that there were no awkward goodbyes and that the thought of me being with anyone else would kill him however he wished me the best in life... Months went past and I was fine. Still was flirting with that guy but nothing came of it as we weren't compatible anyways. He is a friend now. I went out with friends, went to the gym, spent time with my dog (that we bought together 5 years ago). But 4 weeks ago, I got ill with laryngitis so had lots of time on my hands, then my best friend told me she was having problems with her husband who I always felt was very similar to my ex. He was flirting online with other girls and my friend found out. It made me remember that my ex would never do anything like that to me if we were still together. Then I started remembering all the good things we had and none of the negative. I even started doing research in parkinsons to see if I could live with someone who had it. I really did miss my ex a lot and was willing to sacrifice my ideal future to be with him. I also saw photos on fb from mutual friends of him out having fun like he used to and him looking happy with another girl that reminded me of myself. I felt really sad and jealous (all my own doing- I know...) I ended up writing an email to him to explain why I broke things off with him as I had never told him that I was scared of his mum's condition and what it would do to him/us. He never replied. We met up as he had to return some stuff to me and I bought along our dog. He wasn't gonna let me in his flat but did in the end as his neices and nephews were there to visit him and really missed our dog. I saw my ex and remembered how great a dad and husband he wouldve been and i felt so sad. After his relatives left I asked him if he had read my email. He said he didn't as he took one look at it. Thought: It's too long and its in the past then deleted it. I told him I couldn't get over him and that I still had feelings for him. He told he had moved on as soon as he got off the plane six months ago and was happy now. He no longer cared about me or our dog ( I asked him if he wanted to know how our dog was doing? He said he didn't care. He's only a dog and he could get a new one in future if he wanted to). I know he is being harsh and cold on purpose as it is his way of protecting himself and me. He said he does not feel obliged to respond to any of his ex's and that I have no business of his. He said that if I contacted him again re: our relationship again then he would cut all ties by changing all his details and no longer go to mutual friends gatherings. I asked him if he had met someone new hence was over me so quickly and he kind of smiled and said. He's meeting new friends but he wouldn't be getting into a serious relationship anytime soon. (a girl was texting him whilst I was there and he was smiling/texting back whilst I was crying my eyes out.) I asked him for a goodbye hug and he kinda laughed nervously and jokily said I'd rather not. Then he said fine. When you leave. He kept trying to get me out of his flat as he had to meet his best mate and I'm guessing that girl he was texting... Anyhow, he was gonna walk me to the tube station. But then his friend rang so he told him give me a lift to the station. I told him no thanks as it was obvious that he was trying to get me away and out if his life asap. In the end he told his friend not to bother and walked me to the station. It started raining so I got my umbrella out to cover us. He took it from me and I held our dog and had my arm linked to his. It felt so bitter sweet...we had a last hug and I kissed him in the neck saying goodbye... It is now around a week and half later. he no longer responds to emails/texts from me but I do still send him pics of our dog as I know deep inside he does still miss/love him and i have been sending him emails that will help with his mum's condition and diy stuff as he is renovating the house he bought with his bro for his mum at present...i know i shouldnt be contacting him at all..but i cant help myself). I have boxed up the stuff he gave me when i was 18 and from the past few years..but i still have the teddies on my bed that he gave me... I have been going through really bad mood swings recently. One minute feeling so sad and scared that I can't find anyone who is as compatible to me, as him (I felt this after we split up the first time round and I went out with two guys. Neither compared to him which is why I was so happy the second time I went out with him...) i got so depressed recently to the point that I could not eat or sleep and would cry constantly. i even ended up missing a day of work and telling my paretns about it (i have never told them anything emotionally before as we have never been the expressive type. Thats how bad a state i was in) [/indent]Then there are days I try to be optimistic as my friends try to cheer me up and remind me why it didnt work.. i've even made a list of reasons why it didnt work but I'm still finding it hard. I've been constantly looking at the fb profile of the girl he has been texting and looking for photos of them two together. I saw his profile via a friend last time and saw so many. It made me feel numb/sad (he won't add me to his fb and I don't blame him). Thats another thing. when we were together, he was never interested in social sites like that. he always felt they were a waste of time. i guess now that he is single, he has forced himself to join to meet new people...and to go out and be more sociable - ie. the bf i used to have in our first few years together... I know this is a decision I made and one that I have to live with. I can't regret anything now as it has been done and dusted. but i'm so scared of deja vu and karma for hurting such an amazing ex. Can someone tell me how I can move on? I feel so sad that I have lost my bestfriend/soul mate. Can we ever be friends? I do know it's unlikely... Everybody I have spoken to has told me that I made the right choice and that it takes a strong person to carry on and be able to cope in the situation i was in. What has made it so hard for me is that he told me that I am a great girl who doesn't need to change but not the girl for him. It wouldve been so much easier if he was a jerk and we broke up on bad terms. But realistically, we didn't. And that's what's killing me now. I know you guys will say move on. Time will heal. But at this moment in time I can't even contemplate looking at other guys...what to do? anyone experienced a similar situation?
Eclipse11 Posted May 29, 2010 Posted May 29, 2010 (edited) Hi Ckyh...just wanted to write, I know just how you are feeling... I broke up with my boyfriend as well, just over a month ago...he was so sweet in many ways and I still love him now but there were also lots of reasons why I felt he was the wrong person for me...he just wasn't what I was really looking for and things never felt quite right... He picked up on the fact that I didn't love him quite enough and he felt quite resentful of it I think and it caused friction between us... So many times I cried, I was so unhappy, I felt down more than half the time I was with him...but even so, I am still only really thinking about how wonderful it was and how much I loved him at the beginning, the sweet things he did, the lovely days and I can't seem to focus on the bad...though I WAS unhappy it just doesn't seem to make any difference.... Last night as well, I looked at his old girlfriends on facebook, don't ask me why and it made me feel so down... I miss him so much at the moment though I don't want to...and I feel so afraid of coping alone without him...but I think maybe I'm just having a weak moment...plus, your karma won't be bad for leaving, it may be better for him if you thought that maybe you two were wrong together and you released him letting him find somebody who loves him...that's what I'm telling myself too but I am still feeling pretty bad and guilty... Anyhow I do understand...Eclipse x Edited May 29, 2010 by Eclipse11
Author Ckyh Posted May 29, 2010 Author Posted May 29, 2010 Hi Eclipse, Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me and for letting me know that i am not the only one feeling so crap with my decision in life atm for being the dumper.... : ( i know my situation is a horrible one and i wouldn't say it was that common one (or is it? i.e. having the relationship deteriorate due to a family illness...and not due to either party doing something bad to one another?) In a way, i wish i could be so black and white - just like my ex and numb the bad things out in life out and just move on...but, unlike him, no matter how hard i try, i cant seem to forget him...i keep playing back the 'what if' i was less selfish and more understanding of his situation....etc. i kind of forced myself to make the decision at the end of last year as i knew it was either make or break. and as the big 3-0 was looming, i knew i couldnt drag it on... i can imagine nowadays, that most guys would not be so selfless...he was definitely a rare breed and i think it will be hard for me to find someone to replace him. (i know i shouldn't think like that as he did have cons... - my friends keep reminding me of this point and i am thankful to them for it). i've also had a lot of friends tell me that they felt he was selfish for not really discussing the living situation with his mum. they felt that if he really loved me, then he wouldve done the same as the rest of his brothers and sisters and bought a place with me so that we could get married and start our own family..which is what he has always wanted with me. (i only agree partially with them as i can see things from his point of view as a good son.) What are you trying to do to get over your ex atm? by not contacting him and surrounding yourself with friends? i cant imagine throwing myself back onto the dating scene even though it has been more than 6 months, as i have never really dated anyone before. i have always been in relationships and am rubbish meeting new guys... i know i desperately need to move on in life as its really not healthy for me...and is making my friends/family worry... *big sigh* O__o" any advice from any more peeps in similar situations would be much appreciated. Thx all...x
Eclipse11 Posted May 29, 2010 Posted May 29, 2010 Hi Ckyh...I truly think we should start a thread for dumpers, there's not enough and I think it's almost as hard in a way...maybe even worse sometimes...I keep saying "what if" I was less selfish as well...but I'm starting to see more clearly after a few weeks and the guilt is definitely lessening... I think it's very hard to let go of something you are attached to and love but you know is not right for you and for a long time you automatically question yourself, especially if you do not meet somebody different right away which isn't likely anyway... I am not ready to move on yet either and I'm not really thinking about dating...but to take my mind off from dwelling upon my ex-boyfriend I've been seeing friends more, setting up a facebook page, posting on the forums, going to some meets in the city... I am certainly happier now than I was when I was in the relationship with him, but that's because I never felt like it was good enough to just be myself, so many things I did and said were wrong in his eyes...your story may be different... There is a brighter future there and in the future there will be someone there in your life, we just can't see it yet...helps me to think of it like a cherry blossom tree...you can't see the blossom there yet but it's waiting to come out...it is SO hard though, I know that...you worry all the time that you have done the wrong thing, in fact somebody in another thread said they thought the dumper had it worse for that reason... I would just try to get busy, live your life to the full and try to accept ( I know it's hard ) that he is probably okay with you both having moved on... Hope this helps a bit, but I'm still rather confused myself! Eclipse x
jackson30 Posted May 29, 2010 Posted May 29, 2010 You're right, that was longgggggg........ Thanks for at least breaking it up into paragraphs, that made it easier to read. Relationships are always easy but they shouldn't be this hard either. As much as you cared for each other can you imagine spending the rest of y our life with that much drama in your life. It doesn't sound like you two were really that compatible and in the long run you will be probably be happier finding someone else, I know that hard to believe at the moment. Just stop sending him emails and start focusing on yourself, find things to make yourself happy and slowly you'll stop thinking about him so much.
beatingheartbaby Posted May 29, 2010 Posted May 29, 2010 i hope my ex finds herself in a similar situation... ...but sorry for your loss...but every decision has its consequences...
Eclipse11 Posted May 29, 2010 Posted May 29, 2010 I have just remembered some good advice I was given...just remember that the feelings of attachment and guilt you have towards your ex are temporary...they won't last forever, it's natural though to feel like you do... Also, don't beat yourself up looking on facebook at him and this girl...stop! You know it's the wrong thing to do...Eclipse x
Author Ckyh Posted May 29, 2010 Author Posted May 29, 2010 @jackson: lol. you made me laugh. thank you. @beatingheartbaby: sorry to hear that you are 'at the other end of the stick'. hope you feel better soon....yep, i accept my actions and will take the consequences. @eclipse: thanks for the messages eclipse. you're an angel. i'm feeling more positive atm, and hope i stay that way. keep going through phases(!) i hope you and i both feel better soon and find more compatible partners in future. and i know...curiosity always gets the better of me and i cant help myself! i will refrain from fb stalking from now on. you need to do the same too! stop looking at pics of your ex's ex! hehe... p.s. i love your quote about the cherry blossom trees. i'll remember you everytime i see one of them in the future now and try to stay positive. thanks again. i love this site. its great. think i'll keep it bookmarked for future use when i get stuck again. x
FaithfulandHappy Posted June 27, 2010 Posted June 27, 2010 First of all.. That was long.. But its probably good for you coz you relaxed by writing what is in your head.. Its totally my opinion don't have to agree but Eclipse11 is in the same situation even worst she is just trying to show a brave face here to heal her pain...Because of simple rule: if you advice someone you feel more stronger and better...Its like Robyn's songs 'With Every Heartbeat'.. Trying to convince What I did was right.. But its obvious there was something wrong with it otherwise we wouldn't be here writing these posts.. I am not gonna say go back to your bf. But Trust me sometimes all of us just scared to take the risk and go to next step therefore we lose our relationship or partner...and runaway... Good life starts only when you stop wanting a better one... Well if you tried enough and he wasn't in it..then there is noting you can do. You have to move on.. but what if you guys just decide to runaway.. You are saying you are very social who likes to go out... This might be the one reason. I had similar gf like u .. I pretty much now how its feels..Maybe inside somewhere else you didn't want to be in a relationship you want to be single. Coz its easy to do things like this when u are on your own and there will be noone to ask or convince ... So its all about decisions.. I hope you guys don't hate me now.. Maybe I am wrong just my way of looking.. Even it was a mistake .. Don't worry everybody does.. No need to feel guilty so long time.. [email protected]
ChaseYng2005 Posted June 27, 2010 Posted June 27, 2010 You did nothing wrong, but I know how your ex feels. He is acting distant and nonchalant to you because he is protecting himself and he is probably bitter at you for what you did.
DenverBachelor Posted June 27, 2010 Posted June 27, 2010 You did nothing wrong, but I know how your ex feels. He is acting distant and nonchalant to you because he is protecting himself and he is probably bitter at you for what you did. Very true. Dumpees spend the months healing from anger and bitterness towards indifference while Dumpers will often spend the months healing from guilt and indifference towards pleasant memories. It is really weird, though, seeing a female post something like this after so many months.
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