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To November-Rain and others like her

Sunshine16

By Sunshine16
in The Other Man / Woman

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While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

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Sunshine16 New Member

Sunshine16

Posted
Posted (edited)

I wrote this post earlier tonight on a thread started by November-Rain a month and a half ago, but I was something like the 225th poster and by then, it had devolved into an unhelpful squabble, and probably N-R had heard enough. Not that what I have to say is such sage advice, but perhaps she and others like her would find it helpful to hear from someone who has felt very much like they do now about their OM/OW versus their H/W, but who has the benefit of hindsight to know those feelings weren't all they thought they were.

 

So here's my post from that other thread...for what it's worth:

 

------------

 

November-Rain, you sound just like me about a year and a half ago. About the only thing different is I'm a guy. Oh yeah, and your husband hasn't found out yet. Yet. And that's good, because there's still time to get your $hit together before it's too late.

 

I was married (am kinda still, though we're on our way to divorce) to a wonderful woman who gave me everything I should have needed. I was a happy man living an idyllic life. An amazing wife, two equally amazing kids, a good job, the whole thing. Then a little over 20 years in, I stumbled on a woman who I thought was the be-all and end-all.

 

We "connected" in a way my wife and I didn't. We were "soul mates". She "got" me. Suddenly, I "loved my wife but wasn't in love" with her. My OW was the "love of my life". We would "live happily ever after".

 

Every frickin' cliche in the book.

 

And, dear N-R, in my experience anyway, they really are just cliches. Unfortunately, I didn't realize that until it was too late.

 

My wife caught us once and forgave me. The second time she wasn't so forgiving, and we've been apart since. And wouldn't you know it, it wasn't until then -- when the marriage was on the brink -- that I realized that the OW wasn't quite as special as I thought she was. Faced with the loss of the woman I really loved, I ditched the OW -- the onetime "love of my life" -- and turned my back on her for good.

 

I know that's harsh -- I treated two women with absolute disregard for their feelings -- but the point is, the woman I thought was soooo wonderful suddenly was a pariah. Two years ago, I couldn't have imagined it. I remember telling OW that no matter what happened, I would never regret what I did. Well guess what? I regret it more than I've ever regretted or will regret anything in my life.

 

So, November-Rain, as you ponder your predicament and your feelings for your husband and your OM, please consider the experiences of those who have gone before you. I refused to believe my feelings for the OW weren't real. They had to be. But they weren't.

 

Maybe your feelings for OM are real. And maybe you really don't feel the connection you once did with your husband. But I doubt it.

Edited by Sunshine16
Mombot Established Member

Mombot

Posted
Posted

Why do you say your feelings for the OW weren't real?

jennie-jennie Established Member

jennie-jennie

Posted
Posted

Sunshine, how long did your extramarital relationship last?

pureinheart Established Member

pureinheart

Posted
Posted (edited)
I wrote this post earlier tonight on a thread started by November-Rain a month and a half ago, but I was something like the 225th poster and by then, it had devolved into an unhelpful squabble, and probably N-R had heard enough. Not that what I have to say is such sage advice, but perhaps she and others like her would find it helpful to hear from someone who has felt very much like they do now about their OM/OW versus their H/W, but who has the benefit of hindsight to know those feelings weren't all they thought they were.

 

So here's my post from that other thread...for what it's worth:

 

------------

 

November-Rain, you sound just like me about a year and a half ago. About the only thing different is I'm a guy. Oh yeah, and your husband hasn't found out yet. Yet. And that's good, because there's still time to get your $hit together before it's too late.

 

I was married (am kinda still, though we're on our way to divorce) to a wonderful woman who gave me everything I should have needed. I was a happy man living an idyllic life. An amazing wife, two equally amazing kids, a good job, the whole thing. Then a little over 20 years in, I stumbled on a woman who I thought was the be-all and end-all.

 

We "connected" in a way my wife and I didn't. We were "soul mates". She "got" me. Suddenly, I "loved my wife but wasn't in love" with her. My OW was the "love of my life". We would "live happily ever after".

 

Every frickin' cliche in the book.

 

And, dear N-R, in my experience anyway, they really are just cliches. Unfortunately, I didn't realize that until it was too late.

 

My wife caught us once and forgave me. The second time she wasn't so forgiving, and we've been apart since. And wouldn't you know it, it wasn't until then -- when the marriage was on the brink -- that I realized that the OW wasn't quite as special as I thought she was. Faced with the loss of the woman I really loved, I ditched the OW -- the onetime "love of my life" -- and turned my back on her for good.

 

I know that's harsh -- I treated two women with absolute disregard for their feelings -- but the point is, the woman I thought was soooo wonderful suddenly was a pariah. Two years ago, I couldn't have imagined it. I remember telling OW that no matter what happened, I would never regret what I did. Well guess what? I regret it more than I've ever regretted or will regret anything in my life.

 

So, November-Rain, as you ponder your predicament and your feelings for your husband and your OM, please consider the experiences of those who have gone before you. I refused to believe my feelings for the OW weren't real. They had to be. But they weren't.

 

Maybe your feelings for OM are real. And maybe you really don't feel the connection you once did with your husband. But I doubt it.

 

 

In bold...I am not sure I understand, were you confused...using the OW...unsure of the M and the OW and D-Day made everything clear?

 

I had an exbf off and on for many years (I say off and on because we were not together much of the time)...he cheated also and went way out of his way to do so. Now he professes undying love, I was the love of his life, he can't live without me....etc, etc. I had never said a cross word to him after over 14 yrs until last year (my patience has grown thin with many things)...he writes a couple of months ago...have to have you in my life etc...(I am leaving out much detail) then wanted to come and see me (there is much geographical distance now)...I haven't written back because I don't know what to say...there was a time in my life I would have fallen head over heels at what he is saying and wanting to do...now I don't care.

 

What do you think Sunshine... what gave you the clarity to know you'd made the biggest mistake of your life?

Edited by pureinheart
jennie-jennie Established Member

jennie-jennie

Posted
Posted
In bold...I am not sure I understand, were you confused...using the OW...unsure of the M and the OW and D-Day made everything clear?

 

I had an exbf off and on for many years (I say off and on because we were not together much of the time)...he cheated also and went way out of his way to do so. Now he professes undying love, I was the love of his life, he can't live without me....etc, etc. I had never said a cross word to him after over 14 yrs until last year (my patience has grown thin with many things)...he writes a couple of months ago...have to have you in my life etc...(I am leaving out much detail) then wanted to come and see me (there is much geographical distance now)...I haven't written back because I don't know what to say...there was a time in my life I would have fallen head over heels at what he is saying and wanting to do...now I don't care.

 

What do you think Sunshine... what gave you the clarity to know you'd made the biggest mistake of your life?

 

No other times has my exSO been so sure of his love for me as when he has been on the brink of losing me. Once he had me back, things returned to normal non-commitment. :rolleyes: This time when I am gone for good, he still wants me back 3 years post The End. :eek:

skywriter Established Member

skywriter

Posted
Posted

....and this Sunshine is something, I always considered, contemplated, feared, and so forth being involved with a MM.

 

The very thing that he would get bored with, (same ole sameole) would be the very thing he would always run back to. (familiarity, comfort of what he knows).

 

This is where I have to step away from an A. It's what leaves a bitter taste in my way of treating others.

 

When it's good, it's where they wanna be, but when it gets shakey, for whatever reason, they run to another. WTH?

 

On another note, I find it interesting that the majority of OW, (not sure abt OM), from what I'm reading are not the type women to be with more than one man at a time. Guess that's another thread...

jthorne Established Member

jthorne

Posted
Posted

Thank you for your post, Sunshine. Respectfully, I wonder when some time passes, and the guilt over your divorce subsides, what you will feel for either of these women.

BB07 Established Member

BB07

Posted
Posted

------------

 

I know that's harsh -- I treated two women with absolute disregard for their feelings -- but the point is, the woman I thought was soooo wonderful suddenly was a pariah. Two years ago, I couldn't have imagined it. I remember telling OW that no matter what happened, I would never regret what I did. Well guess what? I regret it more than I've ever regretted or will regret anything in my life.

 

So, November-Rain, as you ponder your predicament and your feelings for your husband and your OM, please consider the experiences of those who have gone before you. I refused to believe my feelings for the OW weren't real. They had to be. But they weren't.

 

Maybe your feelings for OM are real. And maybe you really don't feel the connection you once did with your husband. But I doubt it.

 

 

I'm trying to understand your post. Why did you change your mind and decide that your feelings weren't real?

 

Did you have to discount your feelings for the OW in order to choose your wife?

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Sunshine16 New Member

Sunshine16

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Thanks all for your replies. I actually didn't intend for this thread to be about me, other than to offer myself up as an example to people involved in EMAs as someone who has been there, done that.

 

My feelings for the OW and my willingness to risk my marriage for them were more about me and what was going on inside me. That is to say there was nothing wrong with my marriage that I couldn't have fixed, and nothing so amazing about the OW that she was worth giving up everything I had; but there was something wrong with me.

 

With the help of counselling and such, I am working through those issues.

 

Whatever, the point of my thread is that people who think the love they feel for their OM/OW is so strong that it's worth giving up their marriage might want to consider the possibility that those feelings could actually just be masking issues within themselves; that they might actually be just a temporary fix to something that's broken inside.

 

Or not.

 

I know I'm not the first to issue such a warning. People said the same thing to me a couple years ago and I told them they were crazy, that of course my feelings for the OW were as deep as they felt.

 

Unfortunately, I'm one of those poor souls who has to learn the hard lessons the hard way.

 

This is an appeal to those who maybe are better able to learn from others' mistakes. Just throwin' it out there.

jthorne Established Member

jthorne

Posted
Posted
My feelings for the OW and my willingness to risk my marriage for them were more about me and what was going on inside me. That is to say there was nothing wrong with my marriage that I couldn't have fixed, and nothing so amazing about the OW that she was worth giving up everything I had; but there was something wrong with me.
I know you meant this for NR as a WS, but this is something for OW to think about too. It means that there was nothing wrong with your OW to make you not choose her. I guess sometimes the old cliche, "it's not you, it's me" really is true?
Conservative Lass New Member

Conservative Lass

Posted
Posted

Sunshine,

 

I appreciate your post. I think some of us in the same situation can relate, and benefit from your experience. Thanks for sharing your story.

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