How To Forgive

May 29, 2010

Something I have been struggling with, is being able to forgive. I feel as though I rather forget altogether, then forgive.

I believe when a person is unable to forgive someone, all that really does is prolong the hurt. So, how do you get past it? How do you resolve the anger and resentment that has ensued as a result of someone hurting you?

May 29, 2010

So, how do you get past it? How do you resolve the anger and resentment that has ensued as a result of someone hurting you?

My God I wish knew the answer to that one.

May 29, 2010

I'm having a hard time understanding the conflict between the two. Whereas I can force myself to forget it, but I don't know if I will be able to forgive.

May 29, 2010

I think only time can do that

May 29, 2010

Well, I've had time. On my own and by myself.

The "time" theory doesn't really help.

May 29, 2010

I really don't like carrying the burden of not being able to forgive someone. It actually takes up space in your mind, your heart, and has a negative impact on you (which i'm sure you are well aware of).

I am not sure if you've read this thread of mine before, and i'm not too sure of your exact situation, but i'll post the link and hope you could possibly get something out of it. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t229520/

Most of all, I believe that forgetting it is the worst way to go about it. It should be forgive but don't forget. You really have to search deep within yourself to get the strength to be able to forgive someone and move passed it.

There's no doubt in my mind that you will have no problems with doing this when you are truly ready to let go.

May 29, 2010

I really don't like carrying the burden of not being able to forgive someone. It actually takes up space in your mind, your heart, and has a negative impact on you (which i'm sure you are well aware of).

I am not sure if you've read this thread of mine before, and i'm not too sure of your exact situation, but i'll post the link and hope you could possibly get something out of it. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t229520/

Most of all, I believe that forgetting it is the worst way to go about it. It should be forgive but don't forget. You really have to search deep within yourself to get the strength to be able to forgive someone and move passed it.

There's no doubt in my mind that you will have no problems with doing this when you are truly ready to let go.

I don't either, but in this case, it has been so so hard not to. The thread you linked to, ascribes to how I've felt at times, part of me hates him and that's the part that I am having a difficult time with. Because I don't want to hate him. But I do hate him for how he treated me.

When I met him, he was sweet, attentive, everything I could have ever wanted. How he treated me afterward, was horrible. He treated me horribly after I asked him about us and he told ME in turn that he wasn't in the relationship frame of mind. Prior to that, he made little effort to see me after almost a month of us being apart, and right after we were together for the first time (private).

And in the midst of all this, he brings up how I didn't disclose I smoked ciggs, and that I basically couldn't be trusted. How am I supposed to feel by that and what would you think a normal reaction would be. I didn't have a normal reaction. I had the reaction of a scorned woman basically.

Call to make amends, say goodbye. Nope, all my calls were ignored. Instead I was told "I do want to talk, when I'm not busy with work". Never heard from him...until a few months later, contacts me, all so I could get the pleasure of witnessing him in a relationship.

Did I overact initially? Maybe. But tell me. How am I not supposed to feel hatred towards him after that? I am angry at myself too. Because, I chose this guy. I chose him over anyone else, and my choice turned out to be a mistake.

May 29, 2010

I don't either, but in this case, it has been so so hard not to. The thread you linked to, ascribes to how I've felt at times, part of me hates him and that's the part that I am having a difficult time with. Because I don't want to hate him. But I do hate him for how he treated me.

When I met him, he was sweet, attentive, everything I could have ever wanted. How he treated me afterward, was horrible. He treated me horribly after I asked him about us and he told ME in turn that he wasn't in the relationship frame of mind. Prior to that, he made little effort to see me after almost a month of us being apart, and right after we were together for the first time (private).

And in the midst of all this, he brings up how I didn't disclose I smoked ciggs, and that I basically couldn't be trusted. How am I supposed to feel by that and what would you think a normal reaction would be. I didn't have a normal reaction. I had the reaction of a scorned woman basically.

Call to make amends, say goodbye. Nope, all my calls were ignored. Instead I was told "I do want to talk, when I'm not busy with work". Never heard from him...until a few months later, contacts me, all so I could get the pleasure of witnessing him in a relationship.

Did I overact initially? Maybe. But tell me. How am I not supposed to feel hatred towards him after that? I am angry at myself too. Because, I chose this guy. I chose him over anyone else, and my choice turned out to be a mistake.

He sounds like a crappy person, and I would feel hatred and anger towards him also. That sounds a lot like how my ex was. He was the most kindest, sweetest person alive for the first 7 months or so. Then he changed into an extremely mean person. It hurt like hell!!! And I was pissed! I was angry at him for treating me with such disrespect, and I was mad at myself for allowing it to continue for as long as it did.

However, after I had time to calm down and go over what had happened, I began feeling bad for him. What person is going to want to be with someone like that? I noticed you mentioned that he's in a relationship, but honestly... that relationship most likely will not last if he has the ability to be so cruel.

The first thing that I would do in your situation, is to try and forgive yourself first. Realize that none of how he treated you is in any way shape or form your fault. You thought you had a good guy, one that could be trusted and would treat you well. It turns out that he wasn't. And that's ok... because your intentions were good. We all get 'tricked' sometimes, it happens. Don't beat yourself up over it.

After that, I would work on trying to forgive him. I should add, that forgiving him doesn't make what he did to you right. He was still very wrong in doing what he did. By forgiving him, you are allowing yourself to move passed it. Not allowing it to effect you in any way any longer. He has done enough damage, and now that he is gone he shouldn't have any place in your mind. I know it's hard, hatred (just as love) is a very hard thing to get over.

If you need anyone to vent to (or talk to) while trying to work through this, please don't hesitate to PM me.

May 29, 2010

Thank you Erica, it really helps a lot and I appreciate you helping me. I'm just at a loss because I've spent so much time trying to work through it and I just haven't been able to reach the forgiveness stage. That seems to be the part I am having the hardest time with because I don't feel he deserves it after everything that happened.

I will def keep in touch with you directly because I feel that you have a lot of valuable insight based on your own experience and you seem to be doing really well.

May 29, 2010

Thank you Erica, it really helps a lot and I appreciate you helping me. I'm just at a loss because I've spent so much time trying to work through it and I just haven't been able to reach the forgiveness stage. That seems to be the part I am having the hardest time with because I don't feel he deserves it after everything that happened.

I will def keep in touch with you directly because I feel that you have a lot of valuable insight based on your own experience and you seem to be doing really well.

I am looking forward to hearing from you, I really hope that I can help. Also, it does become very difficult to forgive someone when they don't deserve it, but try doing it for you instead of him. Forgiving someone in this instance is for your purposes. To allow yourself the freedom of the burden you've been carrying with you.

May 29, 2010

There are various Actions one can take in the process of forgiving. evaluate what physical or moral action they interceded on. Ask yourself if you did such a thing could you ask for forgiveness from another? Could you forgive yourself ( that is the key first and foremost).

Most folks tie the persons "actions" to the overall value of the person in question. I separate the two. Dear friends know the flaws of the other yet some how can separate their actions from the overall value they have for the person.

True that one should always REMEMBER the deed and forgive the sinner . By remembering - a sense of wisdom comes about. A person gains forgiveness by having empathy and a sense of value in themselves to not be above others but be equals in this world where imperfection is common.

Forgive to quickly you appear foolish, forgive not and you are the fool...think about it.

May 29, 2010

There are various Actions one can take in the process of forgiving. evaluate what physical or moral action they interceded on. Ask yourself if you did such a thing could you ask for forgiveness from another? Could you forgive yourself ( that is the key first and foremost).

No, I couldn't.

Most folks tie the persons "actions" to the overall value of the person in question. I separate the two. Dear friends know the flaws of the other yet some how can separate their actions from the overall value they have for the person.

That's part of the issue. Because I feel as though I am flawed, for choosing him. Had I known he would behave the way he did towards me, I wouldn't have.

True that one should always REMEMBER the deed and forgive the sinner . By remembering - a sense of wisdom comes about. A person gains forgiveness by having empathy and a sense of value in themselves to not be above others but be equals in this world where imperfection is common.

I have more empathy than I should. I take on the burden of always trying to put myself in other peoples shoes first, before thinking about what it is that I want and what I need. Granted, I imposed pressure early on, by instigating a discussion about whether or not the two of us were on the same page but that was because I was feeling insecure having not seen him for the amount of time that we didn't, from the last time we were together. He didn't care enough to put forth effort to see me, combined with his blase' attitude towards me, combined with what he said to me in response, combined with how he treated me in the aftermath, felt like I had been stabbed in the back.

Forgive to quickly you appear foolish, forgive not and you are the fool...think about it.

Interesting concept, except I do not understand the last part "forgive not and you are the fool". Can you elaborate on that?

And, thank you for helping me.

May 30, 2010

Forgetting is a natural defensive mechanism. Sadly, no personal growth or maturity comes from forgetting. Forgiving on the other hand is empowering. I like to think of forgiving as a two part process.

The first part is simply accepting what was done. By accepting the issue you have already moved past the forgetting stage. Forgetting is a type of denial and acceptance is the exact opposite.

The second step is becoming at peace with what you have accepted. This can take lots of time, and there are no short cuts.

Hope this helps a little.

May 30, 2010

You lied and said you didn't smoke and he found out. He didn't want to have a relationship with a smoker and ended it. He doesn't need to be forgiven because you are the one who caused the problem in the first place. Maybe he needs to forgive and forget you for wasting his time. I've dumped two smokers who lied to me about being "occasional smokers, maybe one or two a day." One or two packs! My health is more important. Smoking makes me physically ill.

Sadly, you've had to learn your lesson the hard way but just date smokers from now on and problem solved!

May 30, 2010

You lied and said you didn't smoke and he found out. He didn't want to have a relationship with a smoker and ended it. He doesn't need to be forgiven because you are the one who caused the problem in the first place. Maybe he needs to forgive and forget you for wasting his time. I've dumped two smokers who lied to me about being "occasional smokers, maybe one or two a day." One or two packs! My health is more important. Smoking makes me physically ill.

Sadly, you've had to learn your lesson the hard way but just date smokers from now on and problem solved!

Time out. I did not intentionally and outright lie about not being a smoker. The topic never came up, and if it had, I would have told him the truth. The reason I did not mention it, was because I really didn't think it WAS a big deal. Presumably it was, point taken.

And furthermore, he did not ACT like it was a big deal. The time he mentioned that it was, was when I brought up the "what are we conversation" which was three weeks later. If it had been a dealbreaker, THEN, then it should have been a deal breaker the night he found out, but it wasn't.

May 30, 2010

Forgetting is a natural defensive mechanism. Sadly, no personal growth or maturity comes from forgetting. Forgiving on the other hand is empowering. I like to think of forgiving as a two part process.

Yes, I realize that it is. But often we try to throw ourselves into other things as a means to take our minds off of it. I fully agree that it is not a permanent solution, rather temporary, and at some point, you have to deal with it head on.

The first part is simply accepting what was done. By accepting the issue you have already moved past the forgetting stage. Forgetting is a type of denial and acceptance is the exact opposite.

I accept that. I am at peace with the fact that he and I did not work out. I am not at peace with how he treated me afterwards. That is what I have to resolve and what I am struggling with.

The second step is becoming at peace with what you have accepted. This can take lots of time, and there are no short cuts.

Hope this helps a little.

I know, and yes it helps. I managed to crack a smile and a laugh here and there today, but this morning I just sobbed and sobbed and the rest of the day I felt like there was no life in me.

May 30, 2010

Something I have been struggling with, is being able to forgive. I feel as though I rather forget altogether, then forgive.

I believe when a person is unable to forgive someone, all that really does is prolong the hurt. So, how do you get past it? How do you resolve the anger and resentment that has ensued as a result of someone hurting you?

only time can help u to forgive fully

May 30, 2010

only time can help u to forgive fully

Thanks alpha.

Enough time has passed. I've made great strides. I think the last thing for me to do, is resolve the anger, because I know that is the only thing keeping me linked to it. I think when I can finally reach the point of forgiveness, there will no longer be any residual feelings.

Just peace.

May 30, 2010

Forgetting is a natural defensive mechanism. Sadly, no personal growth or maturity comes from forgetting. Forgiving on the other hand is empowering. I like to think of forgiving as a two part process.

The first part is simply accepting what was done. By accepting the issue you have already moved past the forgetting stage. Forgetting is a type of denial and acceptance is the exact opposite.

The second step is becoming at peace with what you have accepted. This can take lots of time, and there are no short cuts.

Hope this helps a little.

I completely agree with this.

You lied and said you didn't smoke and he found out. He didn't want to have a relationship with a smoker and ended it. He doesn't need to be forgiven because you are the one who caused the problem in the first place. Maybe he needs to forgive and forget you for wasting his time. I've dumped two smokers who lied to me about being "occasional smokers, maybe one or two a day." One or two packs! My health is more important. Smoking makes me physically ill.

Sadly, you've had to learn your lesson the hard way but just date smokers from now on and problem solved!

So, out of the entire post that CLC has made, that is the only thing you've gotten out of it?! That's sad. Unfortunately, it goes much further than just smoking. Perhaps if you had actually taken the time to read her entire post, you'd recognize that.

I'd also like to add, that if he was that upset over her smoking don't you think he would have broken up with her the minute he found out she was a regular smoker? There is no hiding that. The fact that he waited so long to bring that up, makes me believe that there was much more behind it than just that.

May 30, 2010

I completely agree with this.

So, out of the entire post that CLC has made, that is the only thing you've gotten out of it?! That's sad. Unfortunately, it goes much further than just smoking. Perhaps if you had actually taken the time to read her entire post, you'd recognize that.

I'd also like to add, that if he was that upset over her smoking don't you think he would have broken up with her the minute he found out she was a regular smoker? There is no hiding that. The fact that he waited so long to bring that up, makes me believe that there was much more behind it than just that.

Thanks E. Quite honestly, when he learned that I smoked, he was amazing about it. Yeah, he teased me about it afterward, but not in a way that was mean towards me in any way. Which is why I was confused when he did mention it, because it had been in response to my prompting of the discussion of "us".

Anyway, I really don't want this thread to be about that.

May 31, 2010

Forgiveness should be for yourself. Life is too short to be upset.

June 17, 2010

I don't think forgiveness is always the right answer.

I think you always have to figure out how to let things go for own emotional health but I think forgiveness is has a lot to do with intent and regret on the other person's part. I feel like forgiveness is about you accepting that they came to a place where they didn't condone their own actions.

If you forgive someone who intentionally did what they did without regard to how it affected you and they didn't grow from seeing the outcome of their actions, then forgiving them doesn't help you or them. I'm not saying you have to carry resentment or contempt for them but you don't have to forgive them unless they show they weren't or no longer are the same person who hurt you. Just accept that they aren't someone you would ever trust again, but don't forgive them.

June 17, 2010

Frankly, I think forgiveness is overrated. Yes, caring around a grudge can be damanging. But so can feeling like you have to forgive someone who really hurt you badly. If someone does something bad enough that you need to disaasocaiet from them, to cut them out of your life, do it.

June 17, 2010

I have such a difficult time with forgiving and forgetting too. For me it's so much easier said than done. I can never let anything go, for the most part, which I know isn't healthy.

June 17, 2010

Frankly, I think forgiveness is overrated. Yes, caring around a grudge can be damanging. But so can feeling like you have to forgive someone who really hurt you badly. If someone does something bad enough that you need to disaasocaiet from them, to cut them out of your life, do it.[/QUOTE]

Agreed. Nobody should associate with others who they are not comfortable around.

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