againstallodds Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 (edited) Me and my girlfriend had a fight and we broke up for a month. She started dating this physiotherapist. This guy works in the same clinic where she goes for chiro. This guy had a crush on her and she said he contacted her (she told me) and they when out dating. We got back together. The guy still contact her, she talked to him in a friendly manner, she said they are just friend. She said he offered her a free massage. I didn't think anything of this. A week after we got back she made an appointment with him and went for a massage. Am I the only one who think this is wrong? Would you end the relationship? She told me she gonna go but I didn't say anything I mean what can I say? Should this be common sense? I found out was because I asked her and she told me the same day. I got a bit upset but I didn't do anything about it. She asked me why are you upset? Apparently she thinks that this is acceptable. Edited May 28, 2010 by againstallodds
Feelin Frisky Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 If it came to the point where both of you considered the relationship to be over, then that's something that means something. You broke up and lived a month estranged. If you really want her I'd say you have to act like you want her back--meaning that you have to accept the fact that you already let her go and now it is appropriate to have to earn her back. I'd swallow my ego and expect things to be different for a bit. By being neurotic and acting as if your break up wasn't real, you may now appear "needy", self centered and controlling. This may push her away. My advice is to keep it peaceful and don't act like you own her. I can't say for sure, but the freedom you give her may be what starts making her want you above all in the end. When you see that, you'll know it and then it's time for some symbol of commitment and growth. Be an ignorant, demanding, a-hole and you'll just set yourself up for the next break up.
Ilovecake Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 Wait, let me get this straight. You want to end your relationship because your girlfriend did something that upset you, but you didn't communicate to her that it would upset you even though she told you exactly what she was doing? Wouldn't it just be easier to be honest about how her relationship with this guy is making you feel rather than going through a breakup?
Ilovecake Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 Wait, let me get this straight. You want to end your relationship because your girlfriend did something that upset you, but you didn't communicate to her that it would upset you even though she told you exactly what she was doing? Is she a mind reader? Wouldn't it just be easier to be honest about how her relationship with this guy is making you feel rather than going through a breakup?
Author againstallodds Posted May 28, 2010 Author Posted May 28, 2010 (edited) What I meant is, isn't this kind of like cheating? If I were to go out and screw someone and told her about it does that make it ok? So what you're telling me is, if I were to cheat we should talk about it? Isn't there supposed to be some boundaries in a relationship? Is it acceptable if your partner go and get a free rub down by someone who dated her? BTW I did talk to her about it and he stop calling her because I gave her an ultimatum. But isn't this a deal breaker? Edited May 28, 2010 by againstallodds
sedgwick Posted May 29, 2010 Posted May 29, 2010 I don't see why it should be a dealbreaker. She's been completely honest with you about it. I'm very good friends with my ex-husband and we hang out all the time, but we're not romantically involved. True, the massage thing is a bit weird, but if she's being open and honest I wouldn't worry. What about getting her a gift certificate for a massage somewhere else and giving it to her in a sweet card?
Author againstallodds Posted May 29, 2010 Author Posted May 29, 2010 I didn't take it seriously neither and let it go because I love her. I trusted her too. But then she's always afraid I talk to my ex behind her back which I haven't talked to in a year. I follow the NC thing religiously. She got upset because a friend of mine (girl) invited me to her party and I didn't tell her about it. I didn't think it was important to tell her because I know she had the kids on the weekend and we can't go anyway. While she sees her ex because of the kids and I didn't think anything about it. Because I know there's nothing I can do about it. Is she being selfish controlling or what? Everytime I talk to someone on the phone, an old women she complaint why I talk so long? I think she's insecure.
Ilovecake Posted May 29, 2010 Posted May 29, 2010 (edited) What I meant is, isn't this kind of like cheating? If I were to go out and screw someone and told her about it does that make it ok? So what you're telling me is, if I were to cheat we should talk about it? Isn't there supposed to be some boundaries in a relationship? Is it acceptable if your partner go and get a free rub down by someone who dated her? BTW I did talk to her about it and he stop calling her because I gave her an ultimatum. But isn't this a deal breaker? You didn't say she was cheating you said she was getting a free massage from someone she used to date when you two were not together and she told you about the massage ahead of time. I mean if you think that is cheating you need to communicate that to her. A professional massage is very clinical, it isn't sexual unless the guy is a hooker so I would not consider what she did a deal breaker at all, but it might be for you so you really do need to open up to her when something like this bothers you instead of acting like you're OK with it and then dumping her. As far as boundaries you need to set your own boundaries, she can't read your mind therefore it's not her job to set your boundaries for you. Edited May 29, 2010 by Ilovecake
ALombard Posted May 29, 2010 Posted May 29, 2010 Can I be honest with you man? My ex did something along these lines when we got back together a while ago. Dated a guy, kept talking to him, hung out with him. Only difference is, I told her it made me uncomfortable that she talked to him and hung out with him and she still did it. Even got mad at me sometimes for being worried. So here's what I will tell you, and please take my advice. Talk to her about it, tell her that the current situation with this guy makes you uncomfortable. I mean he already dated her for a little so you know he still has a physical attraction to her (he's a guy). I would be wary if I were you when it comes to his intentions. Now, if you talk to her and keep your cool while doing so and she understands then GREAT problem solved. Now if she gets frustrated or mad or anything out of the ordinary...just end it. Most of the time people use that excuse "they're just a friend" as a way to ease the other persons mind. I'm not saying I don't trust people but I have a firm belief that if you get back together with your ex anybody you used to date before that should be off limits, no talking or hanging out. It's disrespectful especially if your partner voices concern. So yeah play it cool and tell her how you feel. Things could go great but keep your eyes open to those red flags. I didn't and I found out later that she was cheating on me with the other guy. So yeah be cautious but don't try to "own" her.
Author againstallodds Posted May 29, 2010 Author Posted May 29, 2010 Can I be honest with you man? My ex did something along these lines when we got back together a while ago. Dated a guy, kept talking to him, hung out with him. Only difference is, I told her it made me uncomfortable that she talked to him and hung out with him and she still did it. Even got mad at me sometimes for being worried. So here's what I will tell you, and please take my advice. Talk to her about it, tell her that the current situation with this guy makes you uncomfortable. I mean he already dated her for a little so you know he still has a physical attraction to her (he's a guy). I would be wary if I were you when it comes to his intentions. Now, if you talk to her and keep your cool while doing so and she understands then GREAT problem solved. Now if she gets frustrated or mad or anything out of the ordinary...just end it. Most of the time people use that excuse "they're just a friend" as a way to ease the other persons mind. I'm not saying I don't trust people but I have a firm belief that if you get back together with your ex anybody you used to date before that should be off limits, no talking or hanging out. It's disrespectful especially if your partner voices concern. So yeah play it cool and tell her how you feel. Things could go great but keep your eyes open to those red flags. I didn't and I found out later that she was cheating on me with the other guy. So yeah be cautious but don't try to "own" her. I agree with what you said completely. I got my boundaries. I told her that you have to tell him you have a bf and stop talking to him. I told her I don't think it's right that you went for a massage. If she doesn't respect me enough to do that then let end it. The massage thing I think it's wrong because she goes to him for a massage after we got back together. I don't care if she did this when we broke up. To me I think she's exploring other option which is not fair for me.
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