Very Scared.. Vulnerable

[khaelynn]

I'm kinda new to these forums. I was tryin to do some research and figure out a few things and ran across this site.. maybe this might help me get perspective on how I feel and why if i get an unbiased opinion and a fresh perspective.

 

I'm 38 yrs old and have not had the greatest luck in finding someone most of my life. I've been in nothing but bad relationships. I am literally the person that is everyones friend and they love me to death but only as a friend. This I've noticed is starting to be something of a pattern in my life. It's becoming harder and harder to cope with every day. It's really got me confused as to why this keeps happening. I know I have qualities that make me special but why does this one phrase keep popping up in my life. It's got me questioning myself down to my very core.

 

There is this person that I care for on such a deep level that it's pretty hard to explain but I told them that I was having problems with a few things. For a very long time I've tried to hide or control these feelings for this person and I'm deafly afraid that what I told this person the other day might have just wrecked what friendship we had. I've never felt so vulnerable in my life. Just the meer thought of them not in my life even as a friend is making me cry uncontrollably and is scaring the **** out of me.

 

I finally told this person that every time I'm around them.. I get the butterflies in the stomach.. I get really stupid.. it's like my mind and body aren't in sync with one another. I've been having to hide these feelings from this person and I feel like I'm disrespecting them and our friendship if I don't come clean. I've been holding these feelings in for a very long time. When I think about it my hiding my feelings from them.. I feel like I'm lying to this person by hiding my feelings. If I can't be truthful about my feelings that is not fair to them or me. I don't want to lie to this person they mean to much to me. This person knows how much I care and when I told them this.. there was a silence and what I could swear was a blush or a smile on their face when I said it. There was a silence.. they said wow it knocked them on their ass. They said that they always loved me but not in that way..

 

I even told them that I've been having problems with this and have been tryin to figure out a way to deal with it on my own but I need help. I just can't do it alone. I'm really scared of losing the friendship but I also know if I'm not truthful with myself that it might also hurt hinder or just completely trash our friendship in the long run and that's something I'm very concerned about. I've never felt so vunerable in my life.

 

We were supposed to get together for lunch today and I told them 3 days ago all of this. I got a txt message this morning from this person canceling. They had to take a relative someplace and I don't know if it's an excuse or not but when I talked to them the other day they also had to take the dog to the vet and they weren't sure of they would be able to make it or not.

This person only txt's people if she doesn't want to deal or talk with someone.. a prime example is the ex husband.

 

Is there a middle ground for loving someone so much yet they dont want you in their life like that? How can I deal with this without losing a person that's a very important part of my life.

[vintagecat]

Just a guess on my part but maybe you come across as too needy and eager and therefore are always put in the role of "the friend". No mystery, no boundaries, no winning or wooing to be done, without a shot fired you are down (or up) for it, are surefire killers of romantic intention.

 

As for this friend that you would like to be much more, but blabbed your feelings out of turn without any reciprocity or the hint of an invitation, it's going to be their call as to whether you did in fact "mess things up". If you did, you will have to accept this gracefully and move on. Lesson learned.

 

If I were you, given your stated history, I would work on my self whether it be physically such as getting in shape, or mastering a new skill, meeting financial goals, getting and caring for a pet and/or perhaps helping others less fortunate than yourself. This may give you the perspective and self value that you seem to need.

 

BTW, "the friend" is a cop out that your would be romantic interests use to let you down easily. For whatever reason, whether it be physically, emotionally or whatever, they are not attracted to you. You need to ask yourself why this happens repeatedly and be willing to be totally honest with yourself if the answers are not flattering.

 

One great quote that is good for people stuck in a rut or bad pattern is: "If you continue to do what you have always done, then you will continue to get what you've always gotten." Make some changes.

 

Best of luck to you.

 

Cat

[Ronni_W]

Hi khaelynn,

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time of it.

I'm 38 yrs old and have not had the greatest luck in finding someone most of my life. I've been in nothing but bad relationships. I am literally the person that is everyones friend and they love me to death but only as a friend.

With the specific person you've posted about, you mention an ex-husband. From that -- and your username -- I'm taking it that this is a same-sex attraction towards a straight woman.

 

If this is/was the dynamic in most of your "bad relationships", then these women are telling you the truth when they say that they love you only as a friend. For their love-romantic-sexual relationships, they are attracted to men. It's not against you, personally -- they are just not physically attracted to any women.

 

I know that doesn't make your pain and fear around this most recent any easier to deal with, though. But perhaps there is some small comfort in knowing that it is not personal? Have you considered individual therapy to help you cope, and also to uncover some of the underlying reasons that you tend to fall in love with unattainable individuals? (If, like I said, this is the dynamic that's been playing out for you.)

 

When we are choosing our romantic-sexual partners, we cannot ignore their own sexual orientation and preferences...and we'll only hurt ourselves if we make those things about us. (If that makes sense?)

 

As far as this most recent friend, and only if it is what I'm interpreting. You can try apologizing to her for making her uncomfortable, promise -- and ask her to please trust you -- that a similar incident will not happen again, and ask if she is willing to give you a 'second chance' at a strictly platonic friendship. Let her know that her friendship means a lot to you, but you realize that it is your responsibility to keep things in proper context...and you are going to do that from now on.

 

I do wish you much happier and fulfilling relationships in the future.

Edited May 29, 2010 by Ronni_W

[callalilly]

too bad the english language makes it so awkward to hide someone's sex You seemed to make such a big effort to mask the sex of your friend, but then said "she" and "ex-husband" in the last paragraph, so it's pretty obvious. Just give it time...she probably feels uncomfortable right now, but time is a great healer. Don't bring it up again and go back to your old communication pattern. Don't bring this up again...she clearly is not interested in "that way."

[khaelynn]

thank you all for the advice.. it brought some fresh perspective