missy197 Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 Hi, Sorry for the impending long post. I am in need of words of comfort and help as to what to do. I will try to keep my story as brief as possible. I met a girl at work (she was new to the area). We are both teachers. I had just returned to work after a year off having had a really tough time with major back surgery. She was with a partner who she had moved 200 miles to be with in Sept 2009. We met in Jan 2010, she had problems already with her boyfriend and left him. We got together shortly after. She is a priviledged, spoilt girl and I did everything for her initially. Helped her move, she had no friends here etc. We were completely in love, her family loved me and said they had never seen her so happy. One thing that bothered me was her ex-ex boyfriend who apparently (drove a Porsche) and was completely horrible to her for 3 years, but she was smitten. He ended up getting caught cheating on her and she left him, but told me that she "would always love him someway". Anyway, one day we shooping and she had a number of missed calls on her mobile from a witheld number. It was him. He called again, and she took the call and spoke to him for 30 mins whilst I stood 50metres away in disbelief. He apparently wanted pics of his dog that she had. She arranged to send them and did. He called again several times. Eventually she changed her number. She said all along she wasn't interested. Significantly when she was with her ex, she left him for her ex-ex before getting back with her ex two weeks later after realising her mistake. Then months later with me, does this??? I wasn't happy. Other things happened like her being very selfish. She is a stunning girl (rates HERSELF a 9 out of 10!!!) and she did things like have her photo taken with men in clubs on her phone, talked of blokes being "fitties" here there and everywhere, she loved the attention. She isn't a complete bitch, she is actually a nice girl but she doesn't realise how her behaviour affects other people. There's plenty of other things that I could go on about but won't, I guess you get the picture. I trusted her completely. The problem with her is that she never gets told that she is wrong. I think because of the way she looks, she really is stunning, men who have been with her have never finished with her because they fear they won't do better, so don't. She has always been the dumper. She doesn't know how it feels to be dumped. So she can treat men how she likes it seems. She treated her ex badly, then dumped him when she got bored. Her ex-ex treated her like cr*p but she dumped him when she had an excuse (found out he was cheating). She had a few dates in between but dumped them. So, back to us. I had ongoing issues with my back leading to more time off work, different meds that affected me mentally, and got quite down, lost self esteem and confidence, didn't get the support I needed from her etc, she continued with herself etc. Ongoing cycle. We started having problems. Eventually we broke up. She left to go home on the Weds telling me she loved me, then on the Friday we were over. I didn't see her for two weeks, and asked me to leave. I moved out and she came back, adamant she didn't want to see me. I did the usual begging, emailing, texting - she got annoyed. I feel used big time, she went home and spent time with friends and family and I suffered. The school term is nearly finished, as has our rent tenancy. She has just got a new job back home and will start in Sept (we have 7 weeks to work together left) I am going NC now. I miss her, want her to see how she is, and regret it. I know she won't. She has too much to do back home, she is going travelling for 3 weeks in August, says she feels liberated. She is moving back into her mum and dad's in the summer. I have been paying half the rent on the house she is living in as it is a contract. She has just switched off completely, cut me out and said she has moved on. She thinks I am seeing another girl (who has an interest in me) because she saw wall posts on facebook. She has "pulled" a bloke twice apparently, so has the rebound buzz, the bonus of going back home with friends and family who she has missed sorely for two years. We were together for one year. She says I am brilliant guy and thanked me for me great for her, but she says she does love me anymore, before sytematically moving on. Basically she is a spoilt, selfish person who cares for herself primarily, but I love her. Why can't I let her go? I know she will keep moving on with men when she gets bored, or she will get with another arseho*le who treats her like crap. She is classic grass is always greener, wanting more and more. She says she doesn't want to be answerable to anyone, she is too young to settle etc. This comes after a string of failed relationships, but then is involved with someone else days after our split (well "pulled" him twice, and now says it's complicated - basically I guess she is confused cos she thinks she doesn't want a relationship but is interested in this new guy - rebound!!) I don't know what to do. Complete NC I suppose. Let her make her own mistakes, I know she will regret letting me go one day, and maybe the way she treated me. I am 34, she is 25. Thoughts please!?! Thanks. Sorry it's a jumbled post. I could write 100000 words on our relationship and have tried to keep it succint, but so you get the point.
2sunny Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 you are so intent on her beauty - you are missing the fact that her actions state exactly what her position is. it's over. she will only return when it benefits her. she's used to getting her way and suffering no consequences when she's wrong. living a lifetime (or a short time) with a person who carries this trait is exhausting to say the least. she's done you a huge favor. learn from this and move forward.
Author missy197 Posted May 28, 2010 Author Posted May 28, 2010 Thanks for the swift reply. I am so f**ked up. I have had a terrible couple of years, and she does this to me. I don't know what to do. I want to say "f*ck you" and forget about her, but I am struggling. I want her to realise how wrong she is, but she never will. I want to give her up.
2sunny Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 Thanks for the swift reply. I am so f**ked up. I have had a terrible couple of years, and she does this to me. I don't know what to do. I want to say "f*ck you" and forget about her, but I am struggling. I want her to realise how wrong she is, but she never will. I want to give her up. stop giving her the power over you and your happiness... start deciding to live without a gal that is a beautiful spoiled brat - out to seek the attention of men that feed her ego. she thrives in this. don't participate anymore. there are plenty of beautiful gals around that are sweet and kind without that sense of entitlement. gals willing to love you as much as you love them. leave her in the dust - she will find a man to use and abuse - don't let it be you.
IronMaiden Posted May 30, 2010 Posted May 30, 2010 She may have been a 9 out of 10 on the outside, but how would you rate her on THE INSIDE?....there's your answer...want to be saddled with THAT for the rest of your life...? Her outer beauty will fade. I've known quite a few women like this, and 20 years down the road, they aren't pretty. Their karma catches up with them, and you can see it in their faces.
Author missy197 Posted May 30, 2010 Author Posted May 30, 2010 thanks for the replies guys. She isn't a complete bitch. Just selfish and spoilt. She doesn't think she's wrong and says it's "just the way I am". Do you think she will ever regret not keeping hold of me? I want her to wake up one day, realise that money can't buy someone wanting to treat you right, regret getting rid and come crawling back...only for me to tell her how it is and to never contact me again. How do I do that? Ignore her, never contact her and wait? Could take years! She is nearly 26, wants kids and marriage but is never going to have the happy marriage (she will meet good guys and get bored, or bad guys and won't marry). Her family all told her she has made a massive mistake with me, everyone seems to know it apart from her.. I just want her to be crawling back so I can smile and tell her no chance!! Advice please..
nowomanocry Posted May 30, 2010 Posted May 30, 2010 Hi, Sorry for the impending long post. I am in need of words of comfort and help as to what to do. I will try to keep my story as brief as possible. I met a girl at work (she was new to the area). We are both teachers. I had just returned to work after a year off having had a really tough time with major back surgery. She was with a partner who she had moved 200 miles to be with in Sept 2009. We met in Jan 2010, she had problems already with her boyfriend and left him. We got together shortly after. --> She wise, don't let go of the OM before she gets control over you She is a priviledged, spoilt girl and I did everything for her initially. Helped her move, she had no friends here etc. We were completely in love, her family loved me and said they had never seen her so happy.--> Believe it or not my friend, I think that was the main reason why she started something with you. We males are usually dumb and look for other reasons behind some girl being interested in us. The reasons are usually very straightforward and rational. so was the case here me thinks. One thing that bothered me was her ex-ex boyfriend who apparently (drove a Porsche) and was completely horrible to her for 3 years, but she was smitten. He ended up getting caught cheating on her and she left him, but told me that she "would always love him someway". Anyway, one day we shooping and she had a number of missed calls on her mobile from a witheld number. It was him. He called again, and she took the call and spoke to him for 30 mins whilst I stood 50metres away in disbelief. He apparently wanted pics of his dog that she had. She arranged to send them and did. He called again several times. Eventually she changed her number. She said all along she wasn't interested.--> Probably she was horrible to her ex (from the way she has told you). The fact of her talking over the phone to him for 30 mins. is so much typical. You know I have lived same things with different girls and it is very interesting to find out they do not change. Just their personal IDs change, rest in general all women are alike. I'm sorry but you should've walked away instead of waiting for her phone conversation to end. And look at the issue... pix of a flea ridden mothbag! Very pathetic that! Significantly when she was with her ex, she left him for her ex-ex before getting back with her ex two weeks later after realising her mistake. Then months later with me, does this??? I wasn't happy. --> typical women thing there lol Other things happened like her being very selfish. She is a stunning girl (rates HERSELF a 9 out of 10!!!) and she did things like have her photo taken with men in clubs on her phone, talked of blokes being "fitties" here there and everywhere, she loved the attention. --> stunning and selfish? Stunning and attention seeking? lmao She isn't a complete bitch, she is actually a nice girl but she doesn't realise how her behaviour affects other people. There's plenty of other things that I could go on about but won't, I guess you get the picture.--> glad to her you do not think she is that I trusted her completely.--> BIG BIG MISTAKE! The problem with her is that she never gets told that she is wrong. I think because of the way she looks, she really is stunning, men who have been with her have never finished with her because they fear they won't do better, so don't. She has always been the dumper. She doesn't know how it feels to be dumped. So she can treat men how she likes it seems.--> I would be very surprised if she would. After all that you have behaved in the way above, she won't respect you and how can you expect her to listen to your thoughts? She treated her ex badly, then dumped him when she got bored. Her ex-ex treated her like cr*p but she dumped him when she had an excuse (found out he was cheating). She had a few dates in between but dumped them. So, back to us. I had ongoing issues with my back leading to more time off work, different meds that affected me mentally, and got quite down, lost self esteem and confidence, didn't get the support I needed from her etc, she continued with herself etc. Ongoing cycle.--> Lmao. what do you expect from a person like her gods sake, wake up We started having problems. Eventually we broke up. She left to go home on the Weds telling me she loved me, then on the Friday we were over. I didn't see her for two weeks, and asked me to leave. I moved out and she came back, adamant she didn't want to see me. .--> Yeah, the interpretation of this paragraph is she got whatever she needed from you and after she thought she was done she threw you to trash. I'm sorry but not being funny, you asked for all this. I did the usual begging, emailing, texting - she got annoyed.--> You are in the swamp now driblling to get out but too late... I feel used big time, she went home and spent time with friends and family and I suffered. The school term is nearly finished, as has our rent tenancy. She has just got a new job back home and will start in Sept (we have 7 weeks to work together left)--> OK now you starting to make me feel that you got a grasp of what was going on. I didn't read your post all was just reading paragraph by paragraph and commenting on them. I am going NC now. I miss her, want her to see how she is, and regret it. I know she won't. She has too much to do back home, she is going travelling for 3 weeks in August, says she feels liberated. She is moving back into her mum and dad's in the summer.--> going NC? My friend you should convince yourself that she was never ever in your life. Just think for a moment and say it was a bad dream and you never met this person. I have been paying half the rent on the house she is living in as it is a contract. .--> good, I thought you would pay all of her expenses, but thanks god you did good on this one. She has just switched off completely, cut me out and said she has moved on. She thinks I am seeing another girl (who has an interest in me) because she saw wall posts on facebook. She has "pulled" a bloke twice apparently, so has the rebound buzz, the bonus of going back home with friends and family who she has missed sorely for two years.--> Aww so sorry for her missing parents lmao. Now, she's inventing things to get rid of you and probably has found a dumb male somewhere else who she can live with for a while till she gets bored. We were together for one year. She says I am brilliant guy and thanked me for me great for her, but she says she does love me anymore, before sytematically moving on. Basically she is a spoilt, selfish person who cares for herself primarily, but I love her. Why can't I let her go? I know she will keep moving on with men when she gets bored, or she will get with another arseho*le who treats her like crap. She is classic grass is always greener, wanting more and more. She says she doesn't want to be answerable to anyone, she is too young to settle etc. This comes after a string of failed relationships, but then is involved with someone else days after our split (well "pulled" him twice, and now says it's complicated - basically I guess she is confused cos she thinks she doesn't want a relationship but is interested in this new guy - rebound!!) --> yes you are indeed brilliant mate lol. I don't know what to do. Complete NC I suppose. Let her make her own mistakes, I know she will regret letting me go one day, and maybe the way she treated me. I am 34, she is 25. --> check out the great age gap! Thoughts please!?! Thanks.--> yvw Sorry it's a jumbled post. I could write 100000 words on our relationship and have tried to keep it succint, but so you get the point.--> If you wrote 100000 words it would be a waste of time for a girl like this. Move on my friend and be weary next time when having a r/s with the opposite sex next time. Good Luck!
Author missy197 Posted May 30, 2010 Author Posted May 30, 2010 @ nowomannocry I don't know how to take your response - I guess what you are saying is true. In fact, I know all of this now. It's still hard as I am still raw, regardless of whether I made mistakes and she is a bitch. I don't need to feel humiliated with sarcasm though. It does give me strength to walk away though.
stillafool Posted May 31, 2010 Posted May 31, 2010 The thing is she is only 25 years old and really goodlooking. She more than likely will move on and out of this stage she is in now but will probably never come back to you. She has stated she is not in love with you anymore and you need to believe her. It is best that you tell yourself she isn't coming back and not to keep hoping she does regret her decision. Your holding out hope is just going to keep you in pain and keep you from moving on. I honestly don't think she will be back from what you wrote but she will always remember you as a great guy.
northstar1 Posted May 31, 2010 Posted May 31, 2010 YOu'll be alright mate. You are missing what filled the void in yourxlife more than her herself. I've dated a girl who had the attitude of "like me for who I am and I'll do what I want" . It's immature and selfish and these types of girls rarely take any accountability for their own flaws and issues- instead the just jump from guy to guy who will give them attention and make them feel important. She will repeat the same pattern- relationship after relationship until one day she will be older and lonely and the attention will dry up. You dodged a bullet- you just can't see it yet
Author missy197 Posted June 1, 2010 Author Posted June 1, 2010 yeah, I know I am better of without her. She does have qualties, she doesn't realise that she's wrong. I miss her, but need to move on. I know in time that she isn't going to get what she wants in life because of the way she is but she needs to discover that herself. It is gonna take time because she has no urgency to settle - she's 26 in August. It doesn't help me in the short term, her short term is going out, having fun, not being answerable to anyone, she's moving back with her folks and no doubt doing all the things that a single 26 year can do. In a couple of years when she starts looking for a long term partner (she loves the idea of a family, marriage supposedly) she will realise, especially when she wants an honest, giving man. The thing is she doesn't know how to treat one well. I know it's her loss, I am a great guy. Her family loved me, everyone it seems apart from her. I don't think she knows that the problem doesn't lie with other people, it's actually her, but because she has never faced consequences and has always got what she wants, she acts how she wants. In the meantime, I need to man up and move on. I just can't stop thinking about her
northstar1 Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 I bet that your ex actually has some insecurities and so she seeks validation through attention , esp from men. In her mind it's never her fault when it ends- always the guy. So when she faces any problems or gets bored she just self destructs the relationship and moves on. Ofcourse you miss her- totally understandable. She may one day grow up and change, ESP when she hits her 30s and her friends start setlling down and she doesn't get all the attention she wants. Not much you could have done differently- she would have reached that point sooner or later.
Author missy197 Posted June 1, 2010 Author Posted June 1, 2010 yeah, I know you're right, I just want her to realise NOW what everyone else knows and what I tried to get through to her..
Citizen Erased Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 To be honest, she sounds like my mother. Can't leave a guy til she has another lined up, thinks she can treat people like crap because "that's just who I am, if you don't like it deal with it!". People like that have their good sides, my mother would do ANYTHING for anyone, she certainly has for me lately. But if I could I'd warn any man she meets to run the other way. Mind f**k is probably the best way to describe it.
Author missy197 Posted June 1, 2010 Author Posted June 1, 2010 so, why can't I just leave it. I am not contacting her. I just cannot stop thinking about her/our relationship. I want to let go, I want to listen to my head and believe it's her loss, but I can't stop hurting. How can she do this to me? I am struggling today, again. NC is killing me.
northstar1 Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 You can't stop thinking about her and miss her because when someone breaks up with you and walks away, it's a blow to your self-esteem and ego. The result is pain. And you want to do anything to stop the pain. The easiest route your brain knows is to bring back what is missing and causing the pain - your ex. Even if you can logically think that your ex had faults, the relationship wasn't going to work long term, they have a pattern of running from relationships - the emotional side is still bargaining on wanting them back in your life to fill that void and calm your damaged ego. It's natural. I did it after my breakup - even through I can rationally see we had problems, and that she was never willing to see her own shortcomings and insecurities that contributed to the breakup, I still longed to fill the void she left. And ofcourse, even more so is the fact my ego was smashed when she was able to walk away and not look back. It makes you question your self worth . It will get better, you will be begin to see that she had a lot of issues that would have self-destructed the relationship, whether now, or in 6 months. Until your ex takes stock of her own problems and habits and is willing to work through them, she'll repeat this over and over.
Author missy197 Posted June 1, 2010 Author Posted June 1, 2010 and I know that once she realises it she will regret it. I could have saved her from all the heartache she is going to face. At the minute she thinks she has it all to look forward to, the going out, being single, doing what she wants, "she's too young to settle" etc. One day, as time goes by, she'll realise. I know how she is, deep down, and what she wants. Then, she will think of me, and what we could have had. Her dad told me he has never seen her so happy a few months ago, we talked of marriage, kids' names etc (as plenty do I know) but we had something. Then factors took over and blew us apart, mainly down to who she is and how she is. Short term is easy for her now, she is liberated. Short term is extremely painful for me. Long term will be easier, she has it to come. Dumper v dumpee. She won't be happy with anybody when she decides to try and settle because of the way she is. I tried and tried with her, but to no avail. I ended up looking the bad guy.
northstar1 Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 You're not the bad guy. She may realize it one day, she may not. But don't hang onto hope that she realizes it in a month, 8 months or a year and then reaches out to you. You'll be stuck in limbo. You need to accept and realize that as long as she is like this, the relationship wouldn't have lasted. And that means you are the one who will be in a better spot. You will be able to have a healthy relationship, based on give and take and understanding your partners needs. She will not. She'll have a series of shallow adventures, giving her short term attention and a fix. That crap gets old real fast. You need to realize you are NOT compatible. Simply put. You want stability, respect, and a relationship that can handle the good and bad times. She wants her needs met (ie. validation). She's not thinking of the bigger picture right now. So go find what YOU want in a partner, because she is not it. There are many girls out there who do want what you want. They may be 9's, they may not. But attraction wanes - you want something of substance, someone who will be there to share the good times, and support you in the bad.
Author missy197 Posted June 1, 2010 Author Posted June 1, 2010 I completely agree. I am not stupid, I am an intelligent and perceptive person. I am not blinded by love, I know my role and my importance. What I am trying to say is I know everything you put is true, I tried to tell her this, and that is what broke us. The thing is I WANTED it to be with her, as it is I will find someone, regardless of looks, who is good for me. Looks attract the eyes, she gets plenty of that, love attracts the heart, and all that. I have tried to tell her that materialistic, shallow things can be bought but love can't. As much as she wants to be single right now, she won't be, she can't be, she needs validating for her all efforts to look good. Who will put up with what she has to offer? Either a push over (who she will get bored with) or a jerk who she runs to (cos of her ego). Either way, the way she is, she is screwed. This is what she will realise in a few years, she has to. If she doesn't she will end up very unhappy. Anyway, thanks for the input; it's great to read people's views and advice and kind words. Thank you.
northstar1 Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 I agree. I also tried to explain some of the same stuff to my ex and was met with both a blank look and a refusal to see what I was saying. She just basically saw herself with no blame in the way things ended up. And if this has been a pattern for them for a while (date, things are great and intense, eventually find a problem and then take off for something new), it is hard to break and you can point it out all we want, but they need to accept it themselves. Until they do, it's a lost cause try to reason with them. For them, attention/validation is what drives their self esteem.
Author missy197 Posted June 1, 2010 Author Posted June 1, 2010 or she will get someone similarly vain, shallow, selfish, egotistical, materialistic etc and be done with it, although surely then she won't get the attention she craves...he'll be too busy looking after himself.. I know I shouldn't care anymore, and I should focus on me, but it helps me to know that she is gonna f**k it up..
stillafool Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 More than likely your Ex won't "get it" until some guy comes along and breaks her heart. Then she will realize how precious love is and will change. She has to want to settle down and nothing has made her want to at this point in her life. It doesn't do you any good to wonder the "why can't she(s)", "what if's" or make predictions about her future because you don't know what is really on her mind except she doesn't want a relationship with you anymore. Girls like your ex usually don't want to settle down until some guy comes along who they aren't sure if he really wants them or not and then they chase him to the altar. Meanwhile, you will have met a woman who you are more compatible with and will probably be married and you won't care what your ex is doing or has done. Give yourself time to heal. It is natural to miss her and want her back but things wouldn't change. Keep up NC because it is the fastest way to heal. You will be happy again, I promise you.
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