aeren944 Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 So, it's been a month since all the crap happened to me. I wrote about it under the Seperation and Divorce thread... but basically, my fiance cheated on me, and left me for another girl. I've been in hell since then... we share two kids, so I'm forced to have LC instead of NC. Five days ago, I started smoking pot. Honestly, it helps a LOT... but hurts sometimes. I basically zone out, and allow myself to be distracted from the pain and the crap that comes with it. I feel like I need to just take time and heal right now... people tell me it's only been a month, that I have to allow myself to feel the pain or whatever. Well, because I'm supposed to be taking care of myself, emotionally... that's why I started smoking pot again. I'd smoked pot like every day about 8 years ago when me and my fiance got together. I stopped after she was arrested and I had to be on probation and wait for her to get out 3 years later. Hadn't smoked at all until the past year, and I only did that once in a blue moon. But now, I went ahead and bought my own, bought a pipe, and I spent most of the day yesterday smoking pot and playing World of Warcraft. That's the thing... it's helping, I think. Am I wrong for doing this? I feel guilty just smoking pot and playing World of Warcraft, but it keeps my mind out of the pain and helps me make it through the day. I guess I'm supposed to be just making it right now, before I can worry about a plan, or start feeling better. I'm still very confused, and honestly, there's a HUGE part of me that still wants her back... I think about her all the time, like wondering who she's with or what she's doing... all that brings is pain. When she moved out, she moved to an appartment about a block away from me... so I've been fighting just walking by her place on more than one occasion. Is this normal? What if it's helping me? Do I keep doing it? Am I supposed to feel guilty for trying to get better? Or am I feeling guilty because it's pot and computer games? I need some feedback, please!
melodymatters Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 Hey, the grieving process is TOUGH, and if you are working and maintaining the other aspects of your life, then I don't see relaxing with pot as a big deal. When my H died last year, I tried the anti depressants they try to push on EVERYONE these days, and hated them. Smoking and thinking or listening to music, or watching a movie or just crying helped me get through thse long dark nights. Just don't let it "own" you, and you will be ok....
Author aeren944 Posted May 28, 2010 Author Posted May 28, 2010 Yeah, I'm on anti-depressants, too. I don't know if they're helping at all. So, its okay that I'm just vegging and playing computer games? I have a hard time feeling good about it. I do feel like I need to get out and be social, but I don't know what to do. I could go to the bar, but I don't think I'm outgoing enough to meet anyone. I'm just screwed up right now. I'm not sure if I'm letting it own me... I'm at work today, but I can't tell if its owning me when I'm home...
melodymatters Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 (edited) Well, I don't see any point in FORCING yourself to go to a bar or something if your heart isn't in it. It's only natural to settle in and lick your wounds for a bit. Still, try and do SOME things to get out of the house, with family or your kids or something. Theres a thread on here about "maryjane" and there are pages of differing opinions on marijuana use, look it up for more answers ! (just found it, currently on page 3, by a poster named arasae, called " Mary-jane, should I give up ?" Edited May 28, 2010 by melodymatters found additional info
This Hurts Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 Is this normal? What if it's helping me? Do I keep doing it? Am I supposed to feel guilty for trying to get better? Or am I feeling guilty because it's pot and computer games? I need some feedback, please! I'm wondering the same thing! We're on the same boat here. The only difference is I don't have kids, never been married, or engaged. In fact, I just finished my first year of college and I'm just turning 19 in July, so I guess I don't feel as guilty or dumb as you for doing it (since I'm at 'that age'). It helps SO MUCH, and I thought I was the only one that felt that way. It distracts me from the pain, thoughts, and taunting questions, and as weird as this may sound, it makes me feel more accepting. I love it. What I'M afraid of is that I'm not grieving properly, and this will just prolong my process of moving on. My other worry is that I'm becoming dependent on it. I'm not going to lie, when I'm sober I'm not happy most of the time, but I don't think that's because I'm addicted to it, I think it's just 'cause of the breakup and the weed isn't intact to distract me. So, I'm trying to logically justify it, if that's even possible. During breakups, people try to find things to do that distracts them, right? Most people here suggest working out, or finding a hobby, which I support as well. But, it's just like we have a different 'hobby', correct? Or maybe we can see it as self-medicating. I sound like a drug-addict in denial, but at least I know you and I are on the same page
northstar1 Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 Using it to take the edge off temporarily during a hard time is one thing and not a bad thing, but I've seen many people who turn into chronic, daily users as a way to avoid coping with any issues in life. Rather than emotionally process an event or something bad in their lives and learn and move on, they just use pot to defer coping and it does become a habit. And the result is that they never are able to mature and realize life is full of good and bad times and you work through them, rather than just smoke them away. And I've seen many people end up emotionally stunted and unable to actually ever deal with life's issues without it.
Author aeren944 Posted May 28, 2010 Author Posted May 28, 2010 Yeah... that's what I told myself yesterday... it seems like I'm self-medicating. It really does help, from what I can tell. You're right, breakups cause people to search for anything that will make the pain die down. I feel like I''m self-medicating, but is that so much a bad thing? People tell me I need to take care of myself, so that's what I feel like I'm doing. Thing is, I don't feel like I'm getting out, or meeting new people, and I don't have many friends... obviously. I feel like I need to get some friends, instead of doing this... but I'm trying to take it a day at a time, and this is what's helping right now...
This Hurts Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 I've seen many people end up emotionally stunted and unable to actually ever deal with life's issues without it. This is what I'm afraid of, but I'm also known for being paranoid and over-thinking things. I can see myself craving it a whole lot less once I'm over her, though. I really do feel I'm just using it to help me get by, I'm not lying to myself about that. That REALLY isn't meant to sound defensive, by the way. I agree with what you said, and those things you mentioned is what scares me about the future. Yeah... that's what I told myself yesterday... it seems like I'm self-medicating. It really does help, from what I can tell. You're right, breakups cause people to search for anything that will make the pain die down. I feel like I''m self-medicating, but is that so much a bad thing? People tell me I need to take care of myself, so that's what I feel like I'm doing. Thing is, I don't feel like I'm getting out, or meeting new people, and I don't have many friends... obviously. I feel like I need to get some friends, instead of doing this... but I'm trying to take it a day at a time, and this is what's helping right now... I know exactly what you mean. That's how I feel. I would worry about getting out, though, if I were you. I only smoke with people, since I feel smoking by myself would make me feel extremely lonely and depressed (and feeling down when you're high is definitely not pleasant). I only smoked by myself when I was with my ex, since everything was fine back then, but now everything is so different and every moment I spend alone feels like that's how I'm going to be spending the rest of my life and it brings me down. Like you, I'm taking it one day at a time, and weed helps... a lot. I don't smoke everyday, but honestly, I wish I could. I smoke on the weekends and maybe once or twice (if I'm lucky) during the week. For the past few months, I haven't been happy because of this damn breakup, and the only time I feel happy and optimistic is when I'm stoned. I only started this 'self-medicating' a month or month-and-a-half ago, though, so it isn't like I have been depending on it forever, it's just helping me get through, y'know?
Author aeren944 Posted May 28, 2010 Author Posted May 28, 2010 Thanks for the replies. I know, This Hurts, that I need to be careful. The weed makes it feel a little more numb, and helps me to put everything into perspective a little bit more. But, the huge ache... the pain is still dwelling right underneath. I know that the only thing that's going to make me feel better is friends, or socializing. Like I said, the weed is like a band-aid, but the friends would be more like the medicine. I think about that, and I start to feel like crap because I'm sitting inside on my days off, and smoking pot and playing video games. And yeah, I'm 29... not 19. It feels like I should be doing more... but it's tough because the weed and the video games are getting me by right now. I don't know if I need to give it more time, or not be so hard on myself, or whatever... I'm just confused.
This Hurts Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 Thanks for the replies. I know, This Hurts, that I need to be careful. The weed makes it feel a little more numb, and helps me to put everything into perspective a little bit more. But, the huge ache... the pain is still dwelling right underneath. I know that the only thing that's going to make me feel better is friends, or socializing. Like I said, the weed is like a band-aid, but the friends would be more like the medicine. I think about that, and I start to feel like crap because I'm sitting inside on my days off, and smoking pot and playing video games. And yeah, I'm 29... not 19. It feels like I should be doing more... but it's tough because the weed and the video games are getting me by right now. I don't know if I need to give it more time, or not be so hard on myself, or whatever... I'm just confused. Try going out and socializing, or reconnect with old friends. Try it once or twice and if it ends up making you feel worst, then give yourself a little more time. That's what I would do. I know in the very beginning of my breakup the thought alone of being out with people made me feel a billion times worst. Ugh, I absolutely hate heartbreak. If I could get an injection or take a pill to completely forget about her, to be honest, I would. Knowing that I'm going to go through even more MONTHS of this really, really bothers me.
Author aeren944 Posted May 28, 2010 Author Posted May 28, 2010 Man, I completely understand. If there was a drug that would take all of this away, I'd be hooked and would need to be committed. You're right... I need to go out. Thing is, I was kinda held down by my ex, and I didn't make many friends. I don't really know what to do... that's why I brought up the bar or something. Maybe I could call a friend or two and have them over... none of my friends are really that close. Like, how do I meet some new people? My mom says I need to start going to church... which would lead to meeting more people, obviously. I don't know, though... I don't want to be preached at.
northstar1 Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 Thanks for the replies. I know, This Hurts, that I need to be careful. The weed makes it feel a little more numb, and helps me to put everything into perspective a little bit more. But, the huge ache... the pain is still dwelling right underneath. I know that the only thing that's going to make me feel better is friends, or socializing. Like I said, the weed is like a band-aid, but the friends would be more like the medicine. I think about that, and I start to feel like crap because I'm sitting inside on my days off, and smoking pot and playing video games. And yeah, I'm 29... not 19. It feels like I should be doing more... but it's tough because the weed and the video games are getting me by right now. I don't know if I need to give it more time, or not be so hard on myself, or whatever... I'm just confused. There is nothing wrong with taking time after a a breakup and doing things you enjoy and/or help you distract yourself. Weed and videogames are one way of doing that. Don't be hard on yourself, do what you need to do to help yourself, as long as it's a small step to healing. As long as you aren't still doing that in 6 months or 2 years, no big deal The reason I threw a cautionary tale is that a good friend of mine had been using it daily for years. And they did this as a way to ignore or not process things going on in their lives. As a result, they stayed in crappy relationships or dated poor choices because they would just use weed to get by and not worry about those things. When they finally stopped chronic use, trying to deal with the problems in life or relationships was hard for them since they had never really faced the pain and lacked the coping tools to actually get through them sober. So they'd run. As for meeting new people - trying joining a singles club, or an exercise/running group. You get out of the house, burn energy and meet new people, all steps towards a healthier life.
GrayClouds Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 And weed and drink often just mask the pain. Both depressants that can keep you in that place longer then finding a healthier more productive ways of facing it. But you already know that. Originally Posted by aeren944 Thanks for the replies. I know, This Hurts, that I need to be careful. The weed makes it feel a little more numb, and helps me to put everything into perspective a little bit more. But, the huge ache... the pain is still dwelling right underneath. I know that the only thing that's going to make me feel better is friends, or socializing. Like I said, the weed is like a band-aid, but the friends would be more like the medicine. I think about that, and I start to feel like crap because I'm sitting inside on my days off, and smoking pot and playing video games. And yeah, I'm 29... not 19. It feels like I should be doing more... but it's tough because the weed and the video games are getting me by right now. I don't know if I need to give it more time, or not be so hard on myself, or whatever... I'm just confused. So what is some new things you can try instead?
Author aeren944 Posted May 28, 2010 Author Posted May 28, 2010 Thank you, northstar. You're right... my head knows you're right. There's nothing wrong with doing whatever I can to make it through the moment... to take that small step to healing, as you said. I need to allow myself the time to heal... the activity of healing, which I guess is tough for me to handle. I'm not sure why that is... I think it's a side-effect from having my self-esteem torpedoed. I know, I need to get creative... just get outside of myself. Part of me is really scared, and part of me just doesn't WANT to... I don't want to be hurt again... I don't want to get over her. All of it is insanity, but that's what my heart tells me.
Author aeren944 Posted May 28, 2010 Author Posted May 28, 2010 So what is some new things you can try instead? I guess I could go to bars. I guess I can try to find a singles group, although I have no idea how to do that. I can try keeping my ear to the ground, at work, to see if anyone's having any get-togethers. I could try going to church, I guess... that's all I've got at the moment...
GrayClouds Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 I guess I could go to bars. I guess I can try to find a singles group, although I have no idea how to do that. I can try keeping my ear to the ground, at work, to see if anyone's having any get-togethers. I could try going to church, I guess... that's all I've got at the moment... Think of things that you can do that does not dependent on anything but you going that may or may not be social; gym, hobbies, art classes, volunteer, running, skydiving. Is there something you always wanted to try but never did, now is the time.
This Hurts Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 Man, I completely understand. If there was a drug that would take all of this away, I'd be hooked and would need to be committed. You're right... I need to go out. Thing is, I was kinda held down by my ex, and I didn't make many friends. I don't really know what to do... that's why I brought up the bar or something. Maybe I could call a friend or two and have them over... none of my friends are really that close. Like, how do I meet some new people? My mom says I need to start going to church... which would lead to meeting more people, obviously. I don't know, though... I don't want to be preached at. I have the SAME problem as you, or at least had. I've always been a private person, and I never had many friends. As they say, friends come and go. But that's when you make new ones, right? Well, like you, I was held down by my ex. Since she was there, and I felt complete, I didn't feel the need to make new friends, since she WAS my best friend. Like I mentioned before, I'm young, and most people my age aren't settled down or have kids, so it's easier for me to make friends than it would be for you (I guess). I'll just go to a friends house and smoke with them, and then they'll have a friend over so I'll meet them. And it's basically just making friends with your friend's friends, lol. This summer I'm going to let loose and actually party, which is something I've never been actively a part of, partially because of my personality and partially because I was with my ex for a little over 3.5 years, so all those high school party years went to waste. I wouldn't want to go to church, either, I don't blame ya haha. I'm not very fond of religious people, or religion itself for that matter. If I was in your shoes, I would try making friends at work, and then going on from there and making friends through mutual friends. If you can't make friends at work, then try finding a support group for people going through separation. I don't know if you'd be into that, but I feel better being around people that are on the same page as me. You'll make friends, and you'll be able to relate so that should also help create closer bonds. Think of it as loveshack in real life, haha.
Author aeren944 Posted May 28, 2010 Author Posted May 28, 2010 Think of things that you can do that does not dependent on anything but you going that may or may not be social; gym, hobbies, art classes, volunteer, running, skydiving. Is there something you always wanted to try but never did, now is the time. That's the thing, though. I don't know myself anymore. I don't know what I'd like to do, and nothing really appeals to me, at the moment. I think because I'm so depressed or so far gone. I would like to start running, I guess... but I fail to see how I'm going to meet people that way. Also, I will try to meet people through work. The only thing is that I work in Tech Support... so we're all computer nerds, and I'm not sure if anyone here wants to do anything at all. I gotta be patient, I guess. I'm feeling the psycho come on... makes me want to check her Facebook page, her myspace, and that crap. God damn, this sucks...
Feelin Frisky Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 So, it's been a month since all the crap happened to me. I wrote about it under the Seperation and Divorce thread... but basically, my fiance cheated on me, and left me for another girl. I've been in hell since then... we share two kids, so I'm forced to have LC instead of NC. Five days ago, I started smoking pot. Honestly, it helps a LOT... but hurts sometimes. I basically zone out, and allow myself to be distracted from the pain and the crap that comes with it. I feel like I need to just take time and heal right now... people tell me it's only been a month, that I have to allow myself to feel the pain or whatever. Well, because I'm supposed to be taking care of myself, emotionally... that's why I started smoking pot again. I'd smoked pot like every day about 8 years ago when me and my fiance got together. I stopped after she was arrested and I had to be on probation and wait for her to get out 3 years later. Hadn't smoked at all until the past year, and I only did that once in a blue moon. But now, I went ahead and bought my own, bought a pipe, and I spent most of the day yesterday smoking pot and playing World of Warcraft. That's the thing... it's helping, I think. Am I wrong for doing this? I feel guilty just smoking pot and playing World of Warcraft, but it keeps my mind out of the pain and helps me make it through the day. I guess I'm supposed to be just making it right now, before I can worry about a plan, or start feeling better. I'm still very confused, and honestly, there's a HUGE part of me that still wants her back... I think about her all the time, like wondering who she's with or what she's doing... all that brings is pain. When she moved out, she moved to an appartment about a block away from me... so I've been fighting just walking by her place on more than one occasion. Is this normal? What if it's helping me? Do I keep doing it? Am I supposed to feel guilty for trying to get better? Or am I feeling guilty because it's pot and computer games? I need some feedback, please! Is it "normal"?. I would tend to think because of its illegality that the answer to that question would be no. Does it work? It's hard to give a one-size-fits-all-answer to that. But in my experience, pot or hash have properties, some of which can be beneficial in ways that can not just be imparted in speech. The hallucinogen (THC) can augment the power to visualize and find reason not normally at all obvious. After a heart-breaking break-up with my then fiancé, I took to hard drinking and hard drugging. Then one day I smoked some marijuana and it all but saved my spiraling-out-of-control life. I had this sort of collective perception of all the bad things I was doing to myself which I don't think would have come to me any other way. I flushed whatever alcohol I had in the house and destroyed all drug paraphernalia. My resolve to get a hold of myself was sudden and total. Some may condescend and damn me for switching one drug for another but the change to pot from booze and base is one I'd take any time. You can really hurt yourself and decline in many ways by boozing. And smoking cocaine is like playing real Russian Roulette. The worst pot can do is turn you into Seth Rogan. It's better to be alive and believe in the possibilities of the future and then make and achieve some goals, than to self medicate with eyes and mind on nothing but the moment.
Author aeren944 Posted May 28, 2010 Author Posted May 28, 2010 Is it "normal"?. I would tend to think because of its illegality that the answer to that question would be no. Does it work? It's hard to give a one-size-fits-all-answer to that. But in my experience, pot or hash have properties, some of which can be beneficial in ways that can not just be imparted in speech. The hallucinogen (THC) can augment the power to visualize and find reason not normally at all obvious. After a heart-breaking break-up with my then fiancé, I took to hard drinking and hard drugging. Then one day I smoked some marijuana and it all but saved my spiraling-out-of-control life. I had this sort of collective perception of all the bad things I was doing to myself which I don't think would have come to me any other way. I flushed whatever alcohol I had in the house and destroyed all drug paraphernalia. My resolve to get a hold of myself was sudden and total. Some may condescend and damn me for switching one drug for another but the change to pot from booze and base is one I'd take any time. You can really hurt yourself and decline in many ways by boozing. And smoking cocaine is like playing real Russian Roulette. The worst pot can do is turn you into Seth Rogan. It's better to be alive and believe in the possibilities of the future and then make and achieve some goals, than to self medicate with eyes and mind on nothing but the moment. So... what are you saying? I should or shouldn't? Cuz, if I smoke it, I'm just self-medicating, with my eyes and mind on nothing but the moment, right? I'm not drinking or free basing. I have no desire to do that... other than going to the bar to socialize or something...
GrayClouds Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 That's the thing, though. I don't know myself anymore. I don't know what I'd like to do, and nothing really appeals to me, at the moment. I think because I'm so depressed or so far gone. I would like to start running, I guess... but I fail to see how I'm going to meet people that way. Also, I will try to meet people through work. The only thing is that I work in Tech Support... so we're all computer nerds, and I'm not sure if anyone here wants to do anything at all. I gotta be patient, I guess. I'm feeling the psycho come on... makes me want to check her Facebook page, her myspace, and that crap. God damn, this sucks... If that is the case then get off the weed it will only make you more so. That is first. Second it more then about meeting people. Yes your lonely the obvious reaction is to find someone to be with but the real issue is learning to enjoy being alone. Not distracting yourself from but looking forward to it. Yes start running, it will help you produce those happy hormones. Find some other physical thing to do, start lifting weights. Spend the next 6 months seeing how fit you can get. Get to the poijt you can kick all of the other Techs butts (well that may only take 6 weeks). Never been into that stuff, thats even better. Push yourself to try somethings that are new. Get yourself busy so when you do meet someone and they ask what are you up to you have some f#cking interesting things to talk about. Tell them your learning guitar, not guitar here BS but real guitar, tell them you are taking drawing class, planing a camping trip in Moab, volunteer for habit for humanity, learning bee keeping, starting a boxing class. Understand it is really hard to make friends when you fill like crap, so the first step is to not feel like crap. Part of that is possible talking to a professional to help you get all the pain out and keep the depression at bay. Good luck, a better you to come.
Author aeren944 Posted May 29, 2010 Author Posted May 29, 2010 Ok... I think I understand. But, the first step is to not feel like crap, right? Honestly, the only time I DON'T feel like crap is when I'm high. That's the only time I feel like everything's okay, and I can put it all in perspective. I don't know. The past couple of days have been really hard... and all I think about is her and what she's doing. I'm trying to stop, but I guess all of this is normal. It's just too much to handle sometimes. I understand what you're saying, and I WANT to join a class, or do something socially, but I honestly do still feel like crap. Is that a sign that it's too early? I mean, I can't even make a plan of what to do socially, right now. I'm just stuck in this pain, and its almost all I can concentrate on. I want to get better, I hate this ****ing feeling, but I'm told I need to give myself time, or that it will pass with time. I'm scared that I'm not doing enough to help it... I just want it to stop, you know?
GrayClouds Posted May 29, 2010 Posted May 29, 2010 Ok... I think I understand. But, the first step is to not feel like crap, right? Wrong. The first step is understanding you are going to feel like crap for some time. Not feeling is at the end of the process not at the beginning. Honestly, the only time I DON'T feel like crap is when I'm high. That's the only time I feel like everything's okay, and I can put it all in perspective. I don't know. It is distorting your perspective. It is not getting you past the pain it is simple masking, temporarily, then it comes back. Most likely it comes back worst then before because the weed is a depressant it depletes the good hormones you need to feel better. The past couple of days have been really hard... and all I think about is her and what she's doing. I'm trying to stop, but I guess all of this is normal. It's just too much to handle sometimes. Of course it is hard, you lost something important to you, that hurts, it is what makes us human. I understand what you're saying, and I WANT to join a class, or do something socially, but I honestly do still feel like crap. Is that a sign that it's too early? I mean, I can't even make a plan of what to do socially, right now. I'm just stuck in this pain, and its almost all I can concentrate on. I want to get better, I hate this ****ing feeling, but I'm told I need to give myself time, or that it will pass with time. I'm scared that I'm not doing enough to help it... I just want it to stop, you know? Yes I do understand, but their is no real short cuts. But there is things you can do, if you choose, that will help and give you strength. Face the pain. start by writing down your thoughts with pen and paper. Use it, put on the tennie runners and keep moving until you can not move you legs, then go lift until you can not move your arms do one or the other or both every day. Nothing stops the thinking like exhaustion. Teach yourself to be a cook so your eating well and regular. You can not feel good unless your eating good, beised it will come in handy in the future. If you do not feel like being social, dont. But finds things that require you participate in your life, not something that removes you from it. It is the best way to move forward. If you simple avoid the pain you never get to see how strong you are, remember courage is about doing when you rather not.
mickleb Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 As further motivation for you to force yourself to get more of a life, you can look forward to sharing it with a ton of people via a handy website like this: http://www.meetup.com/ If you're going to smoke, use it as your 'reward' for doing something you're really proud of. Then it'll be a win-win. Take care x
Author aeren944 Posted June 3, 2010 Author Posted June 3, 2010 Thanks, mickleb. I'm actually already signed up with them, with only 2 groups. I'm really nervous about trying it, but I know what you're saying. I can't tell if its too early or not, all I know is I feel like total crap most of the time, and I don't wanna feel like this anymore. There's only 2 groups that I found on there, though... but maybe I just need to try harder.
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