Im hurting

[pureinheart]

Hi HIT,

 

I didn't read any of the replies, so hopefully this is not duplicated.

 

I see some simularities in your sitch and the one I just went through. During exDM's D he was quite abusive to me and to everyone...angry screaming at everyone all of the time. Mostly he was a downer to be around...hey if I wanted to be depressed just go around him for about 5 min.

 

Given his major instability, it was not good to move in with him. We try to explain bad behavior away, but the facts ARE IN OUR FACE...it's just us seeing the truth.

 

I put myself in harms way....everyone was telling me to back off him...get away from him as he was leathal to everyone around him. Even though he wanted his D, it was still change. He blamed me for the mess he was in...she blamed me, the kids blamed me...guess it's good they all had someone to blame so that the mirror was unable to be turned.

 

He's confused and not right in his own mind, he has some very serious issues which is why he goes back and forth...it really is a game and someone needs to stop it.

 

While he was M'ed he did the disappearing act...I had a bf that did that and I took him back everytime...this started in 1996...he would profess undying love, we need to be together...blah, blah, blah. I played the game with him because I had no one each time he did this, so I was bored. Then he got serious...but I mean how could I take him serious...he gets mad...excuse me????

 

The two most game playing relationships that I was involved in, I really do believe they were committment phobics and women haters.

 

You know, by the time this guy hits rock bottom it will take years for him to come back up, even with all of the professional help in the world...he's got very serious issues.

 

I hope you can free yourself of him physically and emotionally...he is toxic.

[pureinheart]

This man is a piece of sh*t who has been jerking you and his wife around like dogs on a leash for years. You keep letting him do it to you again and again because you keep letting him back into your life, and he knows all he has to do is show up and you'll get on your knees and worship the ground he walks on in gratitude that he's returned. He knows you will always let him back in; that's why he treats you like crap.

 

Frankly, you need to get your head out of your ass and stop letting him treat you like sh*t like he's been doing for years. He's been using you all along. Every time things get hot at home, he "leaves" her for you because you take him in every single time.

 

Then, when he starts to miss his wife, he dumps you again without a care. Rinse, repeat, over and over and over. And you keep letting him. Why aren't YOU ending things?

 

Why aren't YOU in therapy to figure out why you want a man to treat you like crap?

 

 

 

He's been flip-flopping on you and his wife for years. It should be absolutely NO surprise that he will keep doing that to you for as long as you let him.

 

Hi Nora...BTW I love all of your responses...anyway, I think this is a sort of addiction on HIT's part...he can't be all that...

[pureinheart]

This guy is very childish. He pouts and says whatever when he doesnt get his way and is very childishly emotionally abusive.

 

Yep, because it's all about him...he is selfish, worse than a child throwing a tantrum. They feel the world revolves around them and everyone needs to bow down to them...they are arrogant and VERY prideful.

 

They try to cause you to believe you can't live without them because they are "all that"....they are a sad sort.

[pureinheart]

Because some people are severely depressed, and flip-flopping for years between two women, thinking the one you are NOT with holds the key to your happiness, is a symptom of a very disturbed person.

 

Because he is so damaged internally, he seems to want most the woman who does not want him at any given time.

 

Because deep-down inside, he feels he is intensely unlovable. But when someone does love him, or want him, he grows cold, and cruel, and begins to despise the very source of that love.

 

How did his mother treat him? I am not being facetious here, either.

 

You have walked into a childhood drama being re-enacted over and over again.

 

If a woman who has known him for 25 years, all his mind games, and all his rediculous behavior, marshalls the family to go try to prevent him from suicide, I would guess he WAS SUICIDAL.

 

And I would guess she saw his depression, tried to love him back to wholeness, and then when she couldn't, freed herself from him to a happier life.

 

Hurtin', this might have been the sweetest relationship you have ever known when it was good and the most painful when it was bad....

 

But this man? This man is seriously depressed bordering mentally ill.

 

Forget about him!

 

He has to not only realize it; HE HAS to fix himself before he can love anyone properly.

 

You, despite his words of undying love, when he flops back to you again, are being used to divert himself from his depression.

 

Steer clear.

 

Yep, this hits it on the nail....

[skywriter]

He knows that you care, so he uses it against you for his own selfish intent. This is what you need to focus on, as Nora', rinse, lather, repeat this to yourself.

 

Try to stop focusing on, why he said or did this to me, for me, with me.

 

More importantnly, ask yourself, if you're willing to continue putting yourself on the line, for a few random months of goodtimes with this guy should he resurface.

 

Because this is who he is. He's noncommittable. (among other things).

[HurtinginTexas]

I find out more information. Im in his email and see hes looking at houses elsewhere as it seems he is going to just braek the lease where we are and move elsewhere behind my back. Im in such agony. If I didnt know his email and password I wouldnt have know. Hes talking to his ex and sharing all the things he should be with me. I took care of him for a month with the broken ankle. Not her. Ive been theer living with hin for a year. Not her. Now he says he wants professional help to fix his problems. Its all a ploy to get her back. What about me? My feelings? He was with me tuesady we make locve, he cooks dinner we make plans for memorial day and hes gone the next knowing all along he was leaving. Not even a warning that he was going. Havent even heard we were over. He swore hes never leave or hurt me ever again

[jennie-jennie]

I find out more information. Im in his email and see hes looking at houses elsewhere as it seems he is going to just braek the lease where we are and move elsewhere behind my back. Im in such agony. If I didnt know his email and password I wouldnt have know. Hes talking to his ex and sharing all the things he should be with me. I took care of him for a month with the broken ankle. Not her. Ive been theer living with hin for a year. Not her. Now he says he wants professional help to fix his problems. Its all a ploy to get her back. What about me? My feelings? He was with me tuesady we make locve, he cooks dinner we make plans for memorial day and hes gone the next knowing all along he was leaving. Not even a warning that he was going. Havent even heard we were over. He swore hes never leave or hurt me ever again

 

It is not more, it is the same old pattern. Either you deal with his flip-flopping or you don't. He is not likely to change this pattern whatever he promises you, not without professional counseling anyway.

[HurtinginTexas]

But the jerk is divorecd now theer should have been NO MORE REASON TO FLIP FLOP.. Is why this hurts and is humiliating that I didnt see it coming

[jennie-jennie]

But the jerk is divorecd now theer should have been NO MORE REASON TO FLIP FLOP.. Is why this hurts and is humiliating that I didnt see it coming

 

I understand and feel for you. He apparently is not done flip-flopping. You can't control him. What you can do is decide whether you want to continue your relationship with him or not, knowing that he is still capable of, and even likely to, flip-flopping.

 

Go check out Brokenlady's threads. I believe her MM is divorced and has been flip-flopping between his exwife and her for a couple of years now. He even bought Brokenlady an engagement ring, but did not tell the wife.

 

You are not alone experiencing this.

[norajane]

But the jerk is divorecd now theer should have been NO MORE REASON TO FLIP FLOP.. Is why this hurts and is humiliating that I didnt see it coming

 

Being married to his wife didn't prevent him from flip-flopping, so why would being divorced change anything? In other words, if he couldn't maintain any kind of commitment to his wife for more than 5 minutes despite being married to her for 25 years, there's no reason to expect him to maintain any kind of commitment to YOU either.

 

That's who he is - the kind of man who bounces between women when it suits HIM and to hell with what the women want.

 

YOU can change that by refusing to take part in this anymore, and by refusing to let him yank you around anymore.

 

You've read the emails. You KNOW what kind of pig he is. Now it's on YOU if you keep chasing after him knowing what kind of man he is. He's ALWAYS been this man. You've had plenty of evidence of that. It's ALWAYS been on YOU to choose to chase him and beg for him or not.

 

Keep in mind the only reason he is divorced is because his WIFE CHOSE to divorce him. HE did not choose that. He'd still be married to her, and going back and forth between you, if SHE hadn't chosen to divorce HIM.

[HurtinginTexas]

Norajane

 

You are right and some of your words albeit harsh are true. Its an addiction. I love him but he is and has been a piece of sh*t. Its hurts to see in these emails hes looking for a house to be back in her city, meaning he had no plans of telling me he is escaping. I go to try and use the cell phone he bought and has been paying and its disconnected today. I go online and see he contacted sprint and chnaged his sprint address as well because I had access to that.

 

What a bastard. One day I think things are fine. Next hes gone. No warning. No note. Just call me in the morning to say Love you , and poof gone by afternoon and start emailing the ex wife about how sd he was to lose her and wants therapy now. And shes buying into his crap. All the emails to her throughout the day to make small talk like he used to with me. The I love you dont give up on me BS. It is so painful that he can toss me aside and all our memeories. I realize he did it to her. He did it to me.

 

But its horrid. That bastard promised hed never hurt me again and that I never had to worry again. He made it clear all this worry and **** was in my head when I asked if things were wrong. He said no. I knew in my gut. I had one friend tell me I nagged to much and guys think thats turnoff and I shoulda taken the hint and that I ran him off. Great friend I have. I dont think if I feel badly I should have to swallow my feelings or let them go buried.

 

I wish I could tell the exwife what a liar he is..Im so hurting that I which I could get to tell the **** what a piece of useless crap he is. Im not sure as screwed up as this situation is that hell ever contact me again to get the chance

[HurtinginTexas]

I understand and feel for you. He apparently is not done flip-flopping. You can't control him. What you can do is decide whether you want to continue your relationship with him or not, knowing that he is still capable of, and even likely to, flip-flopping.

 

Go check out Brokenlady's threads. I believe her MM is divorced and has been flip-flopping between his exwife and her for a couple of years now. He even bought Brokenlady an engagement ring, but did not tell the wife.

 

You are not alone experiencing this.

 

 

Yes I have 2 rings. Now that hes single he had no intention of marrying me. HE NEVER thought she would leave him and I guess it took 11 months since sept divorce to process. Now Im dumped.

 

Dont think he could ever look me in the eye again. I told him if he ever went back and married her we could never go back to only part time as we were when he was married knowing what we were supposed to have as a future.

 

I used to get upset with him and say Id leave or if hed continue this behavior Id leave and hed say"Oh im tired of the threats" not plaese dont leave as I had hoped.

[Brokenlady]

Oh my. My DM's flip flops were usually less extreme than yours, but those flip flops are so terribly hurtful. I emailed your thread to another member who hasn't posted here in a long while because her sitch (now ended) was almost identical to yours. Hopefully she'll stop in and comment.

 

To be honest, your guy sounds like he's got a good mix of narcisscism and borderline personality (hence the erractic behavior and selfishness). That isn't ever going to change. And it honestly doesn't sound like he wants to change it. One sick puppy. (Forgive me, I'm getting my Master's in psych currently).

 

If you need to talk, email me- kittigrrrl at yahoo dot com

[fooled once]

Fight4 Me

 

Thank you so much..Why do you think the ex wont take him back..They have a 25 year marriage history. Yes he cheated on her and left 6-7 times and she finally divorced him..People divorce and remarry all the time.

 

Yes she seems to have moved on and done well. Shes healthier than all of us I think. That first summer he left she was devastated..Now that shes moved on and with the new car and new friends and new life and minimal contact he seems to be resentful, or sad. Maybe he stared having feelings when in the Dominican Republc for daughters wedding and was with her there..He claims they never talked..My therapist thinks they slept together.. i dont know.

 

And now through his emails hes trying to get her back..It like I was good enough when he was going through his hurt ego phase after he was left, and he was all hateful and badmouthing her..He said how boring and complained about theer marriage and now hes right back again..Hes emailing one after another like a loon shes engaging in them right back and she fell for fhis horsecrap play of him trying to kill himslef, and please help him get his car to him. She may be lonely at 56 thinking she may not find anyone again and want him back..Maybe she knew he would be back and thats why never made much effort after the divorce..He already said I love you to her, please dont give up on me and that he will do counseling now which she always wanted.

 

I am sorry you are hurting, but honestly, you keep taking him back...KNOWING how destructive he has been to you. For some reason, you won't let him go.

 

He and his wife shared 25 years of marriage. You have been with him 10 months (full time vs part time as a mistress). You keep making snide comments about his wife taking him back, but look at you? You would take him back in an instant I would bet. YOU won't let him go. YOU keep chasing him. YOU keep trying to get ahold of him.

 

He is a sick individual. He is toxic and poison. Stop letting him poison you and bring you down.

 

I find out more information. Im in his email and see hes looking at houses elsewhere as it seems he is going to just braek the lease where we are and move elsewhere behind my back. Im in such agony. If I didnt know his email and password I wouldnt have know. Hes talking to his ex and sharing all the things he should be with me. I took care of him for a month with the broken ankle. Not her. Ive been theer living with hin for a year. Not her. Now he says he wants professional help to fix his problems. Its all a ploy to get her back. What about me? My feelings? He was with me tuesady we make locve, he cooks dinner we make plans for memorial day and hes gone the next knowing all along he was leaving. Not even a warning that he was going. Havent even heard we were over. He swore hes never leave or hurt me ever again

 

He is a liar. How many times has he lied to you? Why are you so shocked that he continues to lie?

 

Okay, you took care of him during his broken ankle, but his wife took care of him for 25 years.

 

None of us know truly what went on in their marriage. We know what you tell us. We know HE didn't file for divorce - he just cheated on her repeatedly. HE obviously never stopped loving her. He has been using you. Please see that. I don't mean to sound as harsh as I am ... but you are 40 years old, not 20. Open your eyes and see what is going on. Quit living in the past.

 

He is a liar, a manipulator and a cheater. WHY would you want this? How can you say you love this man? He has treated you horribly. Please stop trying to figure him out - you won't be able to. Stop looking for HIM to give you closure. You need to do that within your self.

 

You see he is not over his wife. Let him go. Do not let him back in your life.

[Brokenlady]

FO -

 

I don't think this man is capable of loving either of these women, so it's not a matter of he loves his W and wants to be with her. This guy has been playing a game of who can I push the farthest to get what I want and is still willing to fawn over me.

[2sunny]

I went to therapy yesterday and the counselor says he has mental issue it sound like. I ask why he NEVER tells me it’s over. He’s so cowardly he won’t tell me in person or on the phone , he could at least text or email and say its over but he like “Leaves it open with no closure” WHY?? Why doesn’t he just tell me its over or have said it months ago when this all started to go downhill. Why didn’t he tell me he was unhappy and missing her. My god all he did was complain about her and get nasty and now he wants her back. WHY because she seems to have moved on, and didn’t care or contact or fawn all over him

 

What do I do?? I thought he loved me

 

i read the whole thing. this sticks out to me.

 

WHY? because YOU let him! YOU! no stop letting him.

 

he wants it all. you AND his W allow it... and HE LOVES that!

 

stop playing his game that is designed to hurt everyone. he doesn't love anyone but HIMSELF.

 

start taking care of YOU. this includes eliminating him COMPLETELY from every aspect of your life. start new. new job. new number, e-mail, apt... change it all - and never look back - because YOU deserve to be happy - and never will be as long as he's any part of your life.

[HurtinginTexas]

Sat night is very hard. I know what hes been up to by reading the emails one by one with shutting off my phone, seeing hes planning on moving back to his old town, and the excahnges with the wife.

 

My string has been under "Please help Im hurting" but I dont know what to do. All I want to do is email and say how could he do this, how rotten, he promised me we would be together forever. I want to comment on all that I see he has been doing and to say what a rotten person to plan this under my nose. Im rememebering all the fun and wonderful things we have done in 3.5 years. Im pictring what the rest of my life will be without him. Im paniced. I feel so horrible playing over and agin that this was so messed up that just tueday he made me dinner and made love that night, and wednesday he calls to say "I love you babe" before he takes off hours later to try to "kill him self" to get attention from wife. Now he has disappaered from my life, had my phone cut off and is ending our life with no word or Im sorry, or what I did to run him away, no word on how he can end 3.5 years with ease. No once of remorse. No ounce of decency since he said he never run out again like he did. I love him and the memories are flooding my mind. How does man just do that so brutally to a woman he loved.

 

Has this happened to anyone? He leaves with no warning and you thought things were fine?

 

Should I tell him off. I could never and would never get back with him as I knew these last months he said he was happy were a lie. The trust was way thin in the beginning.

 

Do you think he would ever have the guts to conatct me again, even if he got back with wife, even after all the messed up **** he did to me? I want to have the strength to tell him someday if he does that we are done.

 

Do you think Ill ever hear again?

[HurtinginTexas]

I guess I should have said they were married for 25 years. He claimed hes never had an affair before. He said marraige was good up until last 5-6 years or whatever. He claims if I hadnt come along he contemplated doing something. Anyway we met at year 23 of his marriage. It was a whilwind afffair that went back and forth. Very damaging and hurtful as you read in my post. Lots lies, manipulation, etc..All the times he left home, since he is such a liar Im not sure if HE left or was ASKED to leave. It doesnt matter. Anyway that last leave in July was it for her. SHE divorced him. I think he was in shock and hurt the ego. 8-9 months later he mass miss her. I feel badly that I wasnt enough to let go and move forward and make a life with. I wasnt treated well like I should have been or respected and all the things I felt badly about he wouldnt change or dismissed as crazy or in my head, or didnt care to haer about my feelings an dismissed it with "whatever" what cuts like a knife aws the way he left with no warning making dinner, making love and then taking off the next day. And had had no conatct since. Yes I have been in his email acct and Im trying to stop but its the only way I have learned that hes been lying to me. I know its wrong. Hes a piece of crap and all I want is for him to feel pain, which he wont, apologize which he wont, realize what he had , or try to conatct later so I can reagin my dignity and self respect by saying F OFF.

[BB07]

Sat night is very hard. I know what hes been up to by reading the emails one by one with shutting off my phone, seeing hes planning on moving back to his old town, and the excahnges with the wife.

 

My string has been under "Please help Im hurting" but I dont know what to do. All I want to do is email and say how could he do this, how rotten, he promised me we would be together forever. I want to comment on all that I see he has been doing and to say what a rotten person to plan this under my nose. Im rememebering all the fun and wonderful things we have done in 3.5 years. Im pictring what the rest of my life will be without him. Im paniced. I feel so horrible playing over and agin that this was so messed up that just tueday he made me dinner and made love that night, and wednesday he calls to say "I love you babe" before he takes off hours later to try to "kill him self" to get attention from wife. Now he has disappaered from my life, had my phone cut off and is ending our life with no word or Im sorry, or what I did to run him away, no word on how he can end 3.5 years with ease. No once of remorse. No ounce of decency since he said he never run out again like he did. I love him and the memories are flooding my mind. How does man just do that so brutally to a woman he loved.

 

Has this happened to anyone? He leaves with no warning and you thought things were fine?

 

Should I tell him off. I could never and would never get back with him as I knew these last months he said he was happy were a lie. The trust was way thin in the beginning.

 

Do you think he would ever have the guts to conatct me again, even if he got back with wife, even after all the messed up **** he did to me? I want to have the strength to tell him someday if he does that we are done.

 

Do you think Ill ever hear again?

 

HIT......you've got to stop this crap......you are obsessing. NOW....go back and read the responses you've gotten because there is a lot of helpful advice in there. Then......back away from the computer, fix you a nice dinner. Relax......please stop this. One day at a time! Hon.....you've got to help yourself, no one else can do it for you.

[lovinmylife]

hello,

i have been silently reading your posts, and i know it's easier said than done, but you have to get out of this cycle. it almost seems as if now you just want him to contact you so that you can have the upper hand. if you feel so strongly about how he is treating you, then you need to gain control of the situation on your part and start healing yourself. stop depending on him to make you feel better.

i'm sorry about the situation with dinner and sex and then he just leaves but a man can have sex and think nothin of it the next day.

what he did to the wife he is doing to you now. when he was married i'm sure he lied to her about small details so he could hang out with you. i don't mean to be harsh, but i don't understand why you are surprised. you have to take care of you. he has more history with this woman, you can't keep obsessing over the idea of you not being good enough.

maybe you were offering too much while he wasn't offering enough. (taking care of him when he broke his ankle, etc)

a man will do as much as you let him. if you nag and nag and continue to be there for him, he has no reason to change in his mind.

just trying to help.

[dn121]

....Im rememebering all the fun and wonderful things we have done in 3.5 years. Im pictring what the rest of my life will be without him.

 

Hurting - I feel for the pain you are going through, and I feel the absolute panic in your words - as if life is truly over. I know that's how it feels right now and I'm sorry you are feeling that way. But read your words above - and instead of remembering all the "fun and wonderful things" from the last 3.5 years, think about all the horrible nasty things that man has done to you! Just from reading your opening post, I could hate the man without ever meeting him! What an absolutely horrible human being!

 

As for "picturing what the rest of my life will be without him" - girl, that picture will be perfect! NO ONE needs that kind of jerk in their life! Yes, I know you have feelings for the guy (I've loved some real losers in my life as well) but you are so much better off without him! Love isn't supposed to hurt like this - not in this way.

 

Take a cue from the wife's actions - enjoy your freedom from this poison and get out and have some fun with friends. I know it won't be easy and I know you don't see it now, in your panic state. But you've been given a gift - embrace it!

 

Hugs to you - be strong!