Im hurting

[HurtinginTexas]

I don’t know where to begin but I am hurting so badly my heart is shattered into a million pieces. I will share my story. Its a long one but if anyone can offer advice or insight, even from men point Id be grateful.This relationship started off as an affair so please don’t bash me, and say I got my karma, maybe I did but I fell in love with a married man

 

We all three work at the same installation

 

It started Jan 07. We started seeing each other only talk at first, and after only our first date he stated he was willing to leave his wife of 23 years at the time with only his clothes on his back ,his wallet and car I told him no don’t do that to her. We proceeded on. He left her that summer May 07 to be with me for 3 months and brought his RV down to live in where I live. He left her with an email saying “I won’t be home when you get home. I’ve taken he RV, and my car and bike. Don’t call me. Or come looking for me, etc..” Yes very cold and nasty I thought.

 

After the summer ended Aug 07 he left me at the end of summer disappearing in the middle of the night to go back to her again and dumped me with a text to say ”You were right I never should have left her. Sorry, etc..I am going back home” I was so devastated. It affected my health, my work, and life. He then started talking to me again after ignoring me for a period of time. I was the initiator as I was so hurt and plied him with emails and letters begging him to come back. I was a mess. He was different to me and cold. Saying he wanted to fix things with his wife and family.

 

One day I get a call saying I need to see you before I go hunting and we met he said I love you. We talked and I left and immediately all the texting and attention to me began again. His wife was to be out of town when he returned from hunting and wanted me to be there with him. I spent the weekend. He told me we were back together and he was going to tell her. Well he didn’t talk to me for a week than emailed saying it was the hardest thing he ever had to do to tell her he was leaving and could not do it at this time. But we continued to see each other

 

He went to see counselors at her request, and go to mass all the while seeing me on the side. He even laughs and would tell me that he had a couples therapy appt and never showed up and stood her up for it. I should have ended it then I’m told

 

We continued to see each other through Xmas. He sneaked me in his house when she was gone and traveling and I really felt bad about it rather like trash, and he still would call her morning and evening to check in telling me he had to call or shed keep calling and bugging. He left home around mid Dec 07 to be with me. It lasted about a week. And I went back one night to where he was staying and he had left again.

 

I had planned a trip to Vegas for the New Year as he said we’d start our lives together that year. Well I call and text and look for him frantically and worried and I get a text saying “Move on Its over no more contact” He said he was “going on alone” but wanted his wedding ring back. I had asked for it out of insecurity and I already didn’t trust him from the first incident. Well I went into a severe depression and cried and got sick that winter but a month later he emailed again and I stupidly replied and started contact. Told me he felt so badly that he left to kill himself that day he ditched me. Whatever

 

By Jan 12 we were talking again. He sent flowers. Said he was so grateful I was talking to him again. He left home that afternoon and emailed me and left a voicemail saying he was sleeping in his office at work to call him the next morning and if I didn’t he leave town never to return. I fell for it. I called. We talked and he was gone from home for two days. I felt so awful inside seeing him after what he’s done. He told me “let me be the bandage for your broken heart”. Well I fell for it made love to him and he left back for home. He texted me days later saying “I can never fix your hurt and pain and you’ll never trust me etc..” I text back and the phone s disconnected. Two weeks go by back and he emailed

 

Feb 08 he buys a big diamond engagement ring and he wants me to be his wife someday

 

April 08 He takes me with him to bike week in AZ the whole time he never call her. So when he’s back she’s mad, and says get his things out and be gone. He takes his convenient RV and takes it to work this time. I stay there with him for 8 days. One night she shows up banging on door. He’s so cowardly he never answered. But my car was outside and she knew. Well again three days went by he stayed with me . I get back after work one afternoon the RV was open and a note was left saying” take your things out of here I’m going back to see my kids then back home” He left me to go back to his kids in Phoenix (34 and 38) to sit and cry and put on an act to them how sad he was for getting caught. I got an email from her saying he said “ I was a fatal attraction he had an affair with once and I never left him alone since. And she said I was pathetic” I was so angry I emailed him and said how dare you never once had I done anything fatal attraction like or caused him any problems for all the hurt he caused me over and over

 

A month went by I got an I’m sorry letter in the mail. I ignore it. Then he started poking at me with little emails. By May we talked. May 08 he took a day off when she was out of town to go on a Harley ride and talk things over. The neighbor saw him out on a day he was to be a work, called the wife who was in Albuquerque. She called him and was furious and came right home. All our plans for mem day were shot and he blew me off. June July and Aug 08 fly by with the same lies and games. July I get another ring

 

Aug 08 he took me to Colorado to see some old high school white trash buddies of his that he hadn’t seen in years to impress them with his younger girl (He’s 56 I’m 40 now). Prior to this trip he had mentioned taking me with him to meet his family in Maine. When we came back from this Colo trip he dropped me off at Airport parking and left to rush back home and never called to see if I made it home ok or anything. In fact he didn’t talk to me or see me for a month after. Only emails like “Good morning and good bye babe”. Then he finally emails and say sorry I am not going to Maine his wife is, and he’s so sorry things got so messed up but ill contact you babe

 

He didn’t but an email occasionally. He came back from Maine from a two week trip. Came back to work. Still didn’t call me. Told me about the trip that his wife didn’t help do anything, said she nagged him at the airport about something and he said “shut the F up fatass” and why he said that I thought was awful

 

Anyway after a period of him not talking or seeing me I take off for a work trip to Florida and I have an auto reply feature on my email that I put I would be gone for an extended period of time. He must have emailed and got that back. Then I finally start getting calls. “Where are u” “R u with someone else u must be” “ Oh what a fu**ed life” I call back we talk and again I fall for it

 

Story short he left home for a week was with me. Gets condo on a lease for 700/month. Then disappeared on me and left to go back home. Looses out thousand because of the lease he broke. I contact him and say what about us and what the hell is wrong with you. I get the reply “I don’t know to what extent there is for us right now”. Then it starts again and Oct, Nov, Dec 08 go by. We are in 09. He’s with her for all holidays and all I get are the scraps, crumbs and leftovers and he tells me what do I want he’s married

 

Super bowl 09 they must have had a fight. He tells me he told her he’s not attracted to her anymore. They go to separate bedrooms for a week. He tells me hes going to end it. He sees me for lunch makes love to me tells me to plan a trip for the long valentine weekend next week. He goes home and I don’t hear from him again. He then tells me that they just decided they cant live without each other. Feb. March, April, May and June 09 go by. I leave for Germany for work in July. July 1st he comes to me as she is out of town and takes me on a romantic Bday, and out jet skiing another day and I leave for my trip. I come back in mid July and he’s left home

 

This time it was for real. She was filing for divorce. After 3 other attempts that she gave up. I stayed with him through it all. The ugliness. The divorce. He locks her out of the house. He changes the locks. The alarm code. All this stuff I won’t go on about. He’s says he wanted the divorce. And it was his plan to force her to get it and have her pay for it. I knew there was something wrong. He seemed so angry and resentful and nasty for someone who wanted the divorce. It was a blow to his ego

 

I don’t think he ever wanted the divorce. I think he thought it would go on forever this way. Anyway I spent the remainder of 09 July-Dec living with him as he proceeded to sell his house. We traveled. Had fun. Spent what I thought was all this quality time. I felt that we had brought so much baggage and hurt and nastiness into our relationship that we need to seek counseling and was told flat out NO. We went through so much through this time

 

He sold the house. Lived in his RV for awhile waiting to find an apt and waiting for RV to sell. Meanwhile I m hearing all the nastiness and comments about her. Long story short we get an apt. By Feb 10 I am living with him. We drive to work together. Went to Hawaii for 8 days, etc

 

 

But I had started feeling really badly since April. Like things were wrong. Not the same. He wasn’t happy. I was starting to get so unhappy I at felt like times saying I wish you were dead. He seemed to stop trying. Stopped caring about the way he looked. Stared sarcastic comments. No more flowers. Gifts . Efforts. I would cry and he would sit there stone cold looking at me saying “Knock it off” He would not take me in his arms or hold me or apologize. I asked to please hold me up as a priority in his life he screams “ Oh yeah you want me to hold up here in the sky while the rest of us are pieces of Sh** beneath you”. Gosh that’s not what I wanted I wanted to be valued, appreciated and a priority

 

It got so all wed do is fight. I knew things were wrong. I wanted to fix things and get the old us back. I would nag and say you used to this and you don’t do that, which I know men hate but when I feel things slipping away I talk things to death. He sit and stare at me and say I’m crazy and negative and screwed up in the head. That he was happy and I was imagining all this.

 

He never wanted to take me to meet his grown kids. I realize it was only sept 09 they got divorced but it was April 10 now and all Id hear is “Stop pushing yourself on them let it happen naturally”. I asked about the marriage proposals now that he was single since he asked when he was married. He said “Marriage ?? I just got divorced why would I want to get married? Can’t we just get to know each other first

 

 

It had all changed under my eyes. He would sit and text and face book. I’d get furious that all he did is text all evening and not want to talk or be with me and share. He refused to put any pic of me on face book , or carry one of me in wallet , or have lunch at work not that he was single

 

He went to Dominican republic to wed his daughter. I wasn’t invited. He tells me last minute the wife went. We fought. I couldn’t get ahold of him some nights. My therapist said he should have taken me if he truly love me

 

 

He came back different. I felt it. Late April 10 he broke his ankle at work. I took care of him and waited on him hand and foot. One day I come home and instead of I love you babe welcome home its “Glad you’re home I’m tired of hopping back and forth to get ice. Glad my nig**** is home “ trying to make a joke. I was so hurt. I took care for three weeks. He has 45 days of comp time from work so than he takes off to phoenix to see his kids. He stays 9 days I pick him up from the airport Monday May 24th. We eat talk make love. I bring up his ex wife asking if she got a new car and he says she bought a 60K caddy for herself and I said good for her she deserves it. I said I noticed her on face book and she advertised looking for dating and relationships. I said she’s moved on it seems. He said shes been going out to Vegas, wine parties all kinds of stuff. She’s living life. While I think we are just existing I said. I call him Tuesday from work to say I see a flyer of her on post saying its her Bday and to RSVP to a party. Bottom line I come home Tuesday he had gone shopping for groceries cooked me dinner we made love and went to bed

 

I get up Wed morning to kiss him goodbye for work and go to work. He calls me at work at 0900 on the way to a dr. appt follow-up for ankle “ He say I love you babe talk to you later.” 3 hours go by I call to see how it went and my texts are ignored. My calls ignored. His best friend from work calls at noon to tell me that he just came by work and dropped off his caddy, got his jeep, and contacted his ex wife that his caddy was there with all the keys and and apt keys too. His friend said I think he’s going to kill himself. We discuss his behavior lately. The friend says he been silent despondent. I said I thought he was happy as he says he’s happy all the time, and that I ask him if he seems unhappy and all he tells me is I’m crazy” His friend went to post police to file a report. I went to where his car was locked it and took the keys(yes out of insecurity and I was not going to let him screw me over again). I called him frantically crying. Never heard back. I went home and logged on to his email, have his password(yes that’s wrong). I tell his friend that this is a desperate ploy to get the ex wife’s attention and help

 

was shocked I see emails from Tuesday to his ex wife saying about how this day was so hard for him (being her Bday).And that he was leaving and would let her know where and what he needed. Meaning he knew that Tuesday night I made love to him that he was leaving

 

]I see Wednesday emails and all these emails to and from ex-wife “She tells him please don’t do anything stupid” He says “Ive already done the stupid thing letting u go from my life” She questions where he’s at? Then the kids of his are all emailing and upset. Must be 50 emails back and forth asking where he was and he plays game with no, not there, not there when she asks. He send an email “what the fu** do u care” “She had responded “ my god we were marred for 25 years I loved you and still do but I can’t live with you anymore but I will always care”. He says whatever

 

He call me finally Thursday morning at my mom’s house very cold and nasty sounding demanding his keys, and that he wants to get into the apt and for me to leave the keys behind

 

I cry and beg on the phone what did I do. Why r u being this way. I said I took the keys because I thought he was going to kill himself. He said he was and that his life was miserable and I started crying that he has no concern for me and this was for her benefit to get her attention and what I was put through and he hung up. I called back many times and was ignored. I feel like crap being told his life is utterly miserable. Ive been his life for ten months. It must be because of me

 

 

I feel like dying now. I have been with him single for 10 months now. I finally thought I was safe. That he was mine. I’d ask if he wanted her back, or that life and hed get mad and say NO or scream or say I’m so negative . He’s grown into a diff person and it’s not all the promises that were made. The behaviors changed. He doesn’t seem happy.

 

I went into the email Thursday and see a bunch of emails begging his wife to help him get his car, which he already has. Saying he is going back to Phoenix to be with his kids, and will seek help and counseling when he gets back. He says he loves her and begs her to help him and please not give up on him. He stayed at a motel (per his email) near her, and was awaiting her to get the car to him

 

I feel like crap . He has his damn car it was all a play to get her to come to him. To show interest to regain control he lost since SHE moved on. I feel like calling her and telling her everything but won’t. She hates me I am sure as I played part in running the marriage but how could she be this gullible. He’s a liar. Childish. Selfish. Narcissistic. I feel like screaming out to he’s lying to you. Its control. He wants her back now. And I’m forgotten after all Ive given, and loved him, and been there ,a d all the promises and stood by his side. He did this same behavior with me when hed want my attention back

 

I asked repeatedly when we were together and begged for him to go to counseling and therapy for us as we have a lot of issues (trust on my part) and he flat out said NO. Not going to do it. Hed lie to the therapist and tell him what he wants to hear.

 

 

It’s a blessing and curse to read these emails because I see for my own eye he’s been lying but it hurts so bad I want to die. I want to call, and email and beg and plead for him not to do this to me again (since it happened 7-8 time before) because he told me he would never leave me, wed be together forever and he used to say I was the love of his life. His actions never matched his words. But all I want to do is get him back. I m so screwed up in the head, I cry all the time. My friends are tired of hearing the same story and I’m losing them one by one. Now he’s ditched me.

 

 

He has treated me pretty shabbily and obviously care how I feel. I have stated that I don’t feel appreciated or loved or cared for and he yells at me” of I’m so sick and tired of hearing that

 

I feel like death. I need to let him go. I still want to call and contact and ask why he could do this to me even though I see with my own to eyes in his emails he’s lying to me, has been wanting her back. 3.5 years he can just toss me away

 

I went to therapy yesterday and the counselor says he has mental issue it sound like. I ask why he NEVER tells me it’s over. He’s so cowardly he won’t tell me in person or on the phone , he could at least text or email and say its over but he like “Leaves it open with no closure” WHY?? Why doesn’t he just tell me its over or have said it months ago when this all started to go downhill. Why didn’t he tell me he was unhappy and missing her. My god all he did was complain about her and get nasty and now he wants her back. WHY because she seems to have moved on, and didn’t care or contact or fawn all over him

 

What do I do?? I thought he loved me

[MommyT]

He hasn't told you verbally or in writing but his actions definitely tell you, it's over! I know it hurts but the sooner you can let it go so that you can heal, the sooner you can move on! He's crazy, and this roller coaster ride of back and forth is crazy for you. Heal and move and on. Do not, I repeat do not, involve yourself with another married man, whether he says he's unhappy or not! Stay Clear!!!

[jthorne]

Wow.

Please continue to see your counselor to figure out why you would want to spend your life with someone that is so cruel to you. Why you would accept that kind of treatment is really really sad to me. You do realize that even if he married you, he would still treat you like that? WHY would you accept that kind of disrespectful treatment?

 

Why does he continue to contact you? Why does he not just end it? Because you ALLOW him to contact you, and he wants to keep you "on the side" (your words not mine) when it's convenient for him.

 

I'm so sorry you've wasted years on this loser. And that's exactly what he is- a LOSER. Please stand up for yourself and your self respect and cut off all contact with this guy.

 

Welcome to LS, btw. Please continue to post and read posts.

[HurtinginTexas]

Why does he want to be with her again after all Ive given. Why am i not enough. Ive asked over and over if hes unahppy hell say he is.

 

If it really finally over why doent he tell me to let me have closure

[jthorne]

Why does he want to be with her again after all Ive given. Why am i not enough. Ive asked over and over if hes unahppy hell say he is.

 

If it really finally over why doent he tell me to let me have closure

You are looking at it all wrong. Why would YOU want someone that treats you that way after all that you've given him? WHY?

 

Who cares if he's unhappy? He deserves to be unhappy after all his cruelty. If his wife (or anyone else for that matter) wants him after all he's done to her, let her have him.

 

I imagine he hasn't told you it's over because he's selfish- he wants to keep you from finding happiness elsewhere. He wants to keep you on the hook when it's convenient for him to come back and use you and then cut contact again. You've been on this rollercoaster for years. Isn't it time to get off? Why do you think that if you stick it out, things will change?

 

This is NOT a question of whether you are enough. You are more than he deserves.

[skywriter]

Hi Hurting,

 

Wow, you've really been threw alot of nonsense with that MM. I'm sure you've thought to yourself how in the world did his wife put up with him for twenty five yrs.

 

He sounds like the child that never grew up and manipulated threw disappearing to get what he wanted. Very sad behavior. What kind of sick love is that?

 

He did you a wonderful service leaving this last time. I know you love him, and you're missing him, give yourself time to think about all the things you wrote, read it over and over to yourself.

 

You don't need to put yourself through this cycle of behavior for the rest of your life. He isn't going to change just because he's with you. He is who he is. He did it to his ex-W and he'll do it to you.

 

I imagine his W is feeling a bit of relief knowing that she doesn't have to wonder how he's gonna treat her anymore.

 

Just hold on, try to stay away from him, please, please don't contact him, begging, pleading, blaming yourself. What an ego boost for him.

 

All his trips, and good times, aren't worth the type of person he is.

[bittersweet memories]

I don’t know where to begin but I am hurting so badly my heart is shattered into a million pieces. I will share my story. Its a long one but if anyone can offer advice or insight, even from men point Id be grateful.This relationship started off as an affair so please don’t bash me, and say I got my karma, maybe I did but I fell in love with a married man

 

We all three work at the same installation

 

It started Jan 07. We started seeing each other only talk at first, and after only our first date he stated he was willing to leave his wife of 23 years at the time with only his clothes on his back ,his wallet and car I told him no don’t do that to her. We proceeded on. He left her that summer May 07 to be with me for 3 months and brought his RV down to live in where I live. He left her with an email saying “I won’t be home when you get home. I’ve taken he RV, and my car and bike. Don’t call me. Or come looking for me, etc..” Yes very cold and nasty I thought.

 

After the summer ended Aug 07 he left me at the end of summer disappearing in the middle of the night to go back to her again and dumped me with a text to say ”You were right I never should have left her. Sorry, etc..I am going back home” I was so devastated. It affected my health, my work, and life. He then started talking to me again after ignoring me for a period of time. I was the initiator as I was so hurt and plied him with emails and letters begging him to come back. I was a mess. He was different to me and cold. Saying he wanted to fix things with his wife and family.

 

One day I get a call saying I need to see you before I go hunting and we met he said I love you. We talked and I left and immediately all the texting and attention to me began again. His wife was to be out of town when he returned from hunting and wanted me to be there with him. I spent the weekend. He told me we were back together and he was going to tell her. Well he didn’t talk to me for a week than emailed saying it was the hardest thing he ever had to do to tell her he was leaving and could not do it at this time. But we continued to see each other

 

He went to see counselors at her request, and go to mass all the while seeing me on the side. He even laughs and would tell me that he had a couples therapy appt and never showed up and stood her up for it. I should have ended it then I’m told

 

We continued to see each other through Xmas. He sneaked me in his house when she was gone and traveling and I really felt bad about it rather like trash, and he still would call her morning and evening to check in telling me he had to call or shed keep calling and bugging. He left home around mid Dec 07 to be with me. It lasted about a week. And I went back one night to where he was staying and he had left again.

 

I had planned a trip to Vegas for the New Year as he said we’d start our lives together that year. Well I call and text and look for him frantically and worried and I get a text saying “Move on Its over no more contact” He said he was “going on alone” but wanted his wedding ring back. I had asked for it out of insecurity and I already didn’t trust him from the first incident. Well I went into a severe depression and cried and got sick that winter but a month later he emailed again and I stupidly replied and started contact. Told me he felt so badly that he left to kill himself that day he ditched me. Whatever

 

By Jan 12 we were talking again. He sent flowers. Said he was so grateful I was talking to him again. He left home that afternoon and emailed me and left a voicemail saying he was sleeping in his office at work to call him the next morning and if I didn’t he leave town never to return. I fell for it. I called. We talked and he was gone from home for two days. I felt so awful inside seeing him after what he’s done. He told me “let me be the bandage for your broken heart”. Well I fell for it made love to him and he left back for home. He texted me days later saying “I can never fix your hurt and pain and you’ll never trust me etc..” I text back and the phone s disconnected. Two weeks go by back and he emailed

 

Feb 08 he buys a big diamond engagement ring and he wants me to be his wife someday

 

April 08 He takes me with him to bike week in AZ the whole time he never call her. So when he’s back she’s mad, and says get his things out and be gone. He takes his convenient RV and takes it to work this time. I stay there with him for 8 days. One night she shows up banging on door. He’s so cowardly he never answered. But my car was outside and she knew. Well again three days went by he stayed with me . I get back after work one afternoon the RV was open and a note was left saying” take your things out of here I’m going back to see my kids then back home” He left me to go back to his kids in Phoenix (34 and 38) to sit and cry and put on an act to them how sad he was for getting caught. I got an email from her saying he said “ I was a fatal attraction he had an affair with once and I never left him alone since. And she said I was pathetic” I was so angry I emailed him and said how dare you never once had I done anything fatal attraction like or caused him any problems for all the hurt he caused me over and over

 

A month went by I got an I’m sorry letter in the mail. I ignore it. Then he started poking at me with little emails. By May we talked. May 08 he took a day off when she was out of town to go on a Harley ride and talk things over. The neighbor saw him out on a day he was to be a work, called the wife who was in Albuquerque. She called him and was furious and came right home. All our plans for mem day were shot and he blew me off. June July and Aug 08 fly by with the same lies and games. July I get another ring

 

Aug 08 he took me to Colorado to see some old high school white trash buddies of his that he hadn’t seen in years to impress them with his younger girl (He’s 56 I’m 40 now). Prior to this trip he had mentioned taking me with him to meet his family in Maine. When we came back from this Colo trip he dropped me off at Airport parking and left to rush back home and never called to see if I made it home ok or anything. In fact he didn’t talk to me or see me for a month after. Only emails like “Good morning and good bye babe”. Then he finally emails and say sorry I am not going to Maine his wife is, and he’s so sorry things got so messed up but ill contact you babe

 

He didn’t but an email occasionally. He came back from Maine from a two week trip. Came back to work. Still didn’t call me. Told me about the trip that his wife didn’t help do anything, said she nagged him at the airport about something and he said “shut the F up fatass” and why he said that I thought was awful

 

Anyway after a period of him not talking or seeing me I take off for a work trip to Florida and I have an auto reply feature on my email that I put I would be gone for an extended period of time. He must have emailed and got that back. Then I finally start getting calls. “Where are u” “R u with someone else u must be” “ Oh what a fu**ed life” I call back we talk and again I fall for it

 

Story short he left home for a week was with me. Gets condo on a lease for 700/month. Then disappeared on me and left to go back home. Looses out thousand because of the lease he broke. I contact him and say what about us and what the hell is wrong with you. I get the reply “I don’t know to what extent there is for us right now”. Then it starts again and Oct, Nov, Dec 08 go by. We are in 09. He’s with her for all holidays and all I get are the scraps, crumbs and leftovers and he tells me what do I want he’s married

 

Super bowl 09 they must have had a fight. He tells me he told her he’s not attracted to her anymore. They go to separate bedrooms for a week. He tells me hes going to end it. He sees me for lunch makes love to me tells me to plan a trip for the long valentine weekend next week. He goes home and I don’t hear from him again. He then tells me that they just decided they cant live without each other. Feb. March, April, May and June 09 go by. I leave for Germany for work in July. July 1st he comes to me as she is out of town and takes me on a romantic Bday, and out jet skiing another day and I leave for my trip. I come back in mid July and he’s left home

 

This time it was for real. She was filing for divorce. After 3 other attempts that she gave up. I stayed with him through it all. The ugliness. The divorce. He locks her out of the house. He changes the locks. The alarm code. All this stuff I won’t go on about. He’s says he wanted the divorce. And it was his plan to force her to get it and have her pay for it. I knew there was something wrong. He seemed so angry and resentful and nasty for someone who wanted the divorce. It was a blow to his ego

 

I don’t think he ever wanted the divorce. I think he thought it would go on forever this way. Anyway I spent the remainder of 09 July-Dec living with him as he proceeded to sell his house. We traveled. Had fun. Spent what I thought was all this quality time. I felt that we had brought so much baggage and hurt and nastiness into our relationship that we need to seek counseling and was told flat out NO. We went through so much through this time

 

He sold the house. Lived in his RV for awhile waiting to find an apt and waiting for RV to sell. Meanwhile I m hearing all the nastiness and comments about her. Long story short we get an apt. By Feb 10 I am living with him. We drive to work together. Went to Hawaii for 8 days, etc

 

 

But I had started feeling really badly since April. Like things were wrong. Not the same. He wasn’t happy. I was starting to get so unhappy I at felt like times saying I wish you were dead. He seemed to stop trying. Stopped caring about the way he looked. Stared sarcastic comments. No more flowers. Gifts . Efforts. I would cry and he would sit there stone cold looking at me saying “Knock it off” He would not take me in his arms or hold me or apologize. I asked to please hold me up as a priority in his life he screams “ Oh yeah you want me to hold up here in the sky while the rest of us are pieces of Sh** beneath you”. Gosh that’s not what I wanted I wanted to be valued, appreciated and a priority

 

It got so all wed do is fight. I knew things were wrong. I wanted to fix things and get the old us back. I would nag and say you used to this and you don’t do that, which I know men hate but when I feel things slipping away I talk things to death. He sit and stare at me and say I’m crazy and negative and screwed up in the head. That he was happy and I was imagining all this.

 

He never wanted to take me to meet his grown kids. I realize it was only sept 09 they got divorced but it was April 10 now and all Id hear is “Stop pushing yourself on them let it happen naturally”. I asked about the marriage proposals now that he was single since he asked when he was married. He said “Marriage ?? I just got divorced why would I want to get married? Can’t we just get to know each other first

 

 

It had all changed under my eyes. He would sit and text and face book. I’d get furious that all he did is text all evening and not want to talk or be with me and share. He refused to put any pic of me on face book , or carry one of me in wallet , or have lunch at work not that he was single

 

He went to Dominican republic to wed his daughter. I wasn’t invited. He tells me last minute the wife went. We fought. I couldn’t get ahold of him some nights. My therapist said he should have taken me if he truly love me

 

 

He came back different. I felt it. Late April 10 he broke his ankle at work. I took care of him and waited on him hand and foot. One day I come home and instead of I love you babe welcome home its “Glad you’re home I’m tired of hopping back and forth to get ice. Glad my nig**** is home “ trying to make a joke. I was so hurt. I took care for three weeks. He has 45 days of comp time from work so than he takes off to phoenix to see his kids. He stays 9 days I pick him up from the airport Monday May 24th. We eat talk make love. I bring up his ex wife asking if she got a new car and he says she bought a 60K caddy for herself and I said good for her she deserves it. I said I noticed her on face book and she advertised looking for dating and relationships. I said she’s moved on it seems. He said shes been going out to Vegas, wine parties all kinds of stuff. She’s living life. While I think we are just existing I said. I call him Tuesday from work to say I see a flyer of her on post saying its her Bday and to RSVP to a party. Bottom line I come home Tuesday he had gone shopping for groceries cooked me dinner we made love and went to bed

 

I get up Wed morning to kiss him goodbye for work and go to work. He calls me at work at 0900 on the way to a dr. appt follow-up for ankle “ He say I love you babe talk to you later.” 3 hours go by I call to see how it went and my texts are ignored. My calls ignored. His best friend from work calls at noon to tell me that he just came by work and dropped off his caddy, got his jeep, and contacted his ex wife that his caddy was there with all the keys and and apt keys too. His friend said I think he’s going to kill himself. We discuss his behavior lately. The friend says he been silent despondent. I said I thought he was happy as he says he’s happy all the time, and that I ask him if he seems unhappy and all he tells me is I’m crazy” His friend went to post police to file a report. I went to where his car was locked it and took the keys(yes out of insecurity and I was not going to let him screw me over again). I called him frantically crying. Never heard back. I went home and logged on to his email, have his password(yes that’s wrong). I tell his friend that this is a desperate ploy to get the ex wife’s attention and help

 

was shocked I see emails from Tuesday to his ex wife saying about how this day was so hard for him (being her Bday).And that he was leaving and would let her know where and what he needed. Meaning he knew that Tuesday night I made love to him that he was leaving

 

]I see Wednesday emails and all these emails to and from ex-wife “She tells him please don’t do anything stupid” He says “Ive already done the stupid thing letting u go from my life” She questions where he’s at? Then the kids of his are all emailing and upset. Must be 50 emails back and forth asking where he was and he plays game with no, not there, not there when she asks. He send an email “what the fu** do u care” “She had responded “ my god we were marred for 25 years I loved you and still do but I can’t live with you anymore but I will always care”. He says whatever

 

He call me finally Thursday morning at my mom’s house very cold and nasty sounding demanding his keys, and that he wants to get into the apt and for me to leave the keys behind

 

I cry and beg on the phone what did I do. Why r u being this way. I said I took the keys because I thought he was going to kill himself. He said he was and that his life was miserable and I started crying that he has no concern for me and this was for her benefit to get her attention and what I was put through and he hung up. I called back many times and was ignored. I feel like crap being told his life is utterly miserable. Ive been his life for ten months. It must be because of me

 

 

I feel like dying now. I have been with him single for 10 months now. I finally thought I was safe. That he was mine. I’d ask if he wanted her back, or that life and hed get mad and say NO or scream or say I’m so negative . He’s grown into a diff person and it’s not all the promises that were made. The behaviors changed. He doesn’t seem happy.

 

I went into the email Thursday and see a bunch of emails begging his wife to help him get his car, which he already has. Saying he is going back to Phoenix to be with his kids, and will seek help and counseling when he gets back. He says he loves her and begs her to help him and please not give up on him. He stayed at a motel (per his email) near her, and was awaiting her to get the car to him

 

I feel like crap . He has his damn car it was all a play to get her to come to him. To show interest to regain control he lost since SHE moved on. I feel like calling her and telling her everything but won’t. She hates me I am sure as I played part in running the marriage but how could she be this gullible. He’s a liar. Childish. Selfish. Narcissistic. I feel like screaming out to he’s lying to you. Its control. He wants her back now. And I’m forgotten after all Ive given, and loved him, and been there ,a d all the promises and stood by his side. He did this same behavior with me when hed want my attention back

 

I asked repeatedly when we were together and begged for him to go to counseling and therapy for us as we have a lot of issues (trust on my part) and he flat out said NO. Not going to do it. Hed lie to the therapist and tell him what he wants to hear.

 

 

It’s a blessing and curse to read these emails because I see for my own eye he’s been lying but it hurts so bad I want to die. I want to call, and email and beg and plead for him not to do this to me again (since it happened 7-8 time before) because he told me he would never leave me, wed be together forever and he used to say I was the love of his life. His actions never matched his words. But all I want to do is get him back. I m so screwed up in the head, I cry all the time. My friends are tired of hearing the same story and I’m losing them one by one. Now he’s ditched me.

 

 

He has treated me pretty shabbily and obviously care how I feel. I have stated that I don’t feel appreciated or loved or cared for and he yells at me” of I’m so sick and tired of hearing that

 

I feel like death. I need to let him go. I still want to call and contact and ask why he could do this to me even though I see with my own to eyes in his emails he’s lying to me, has been wanting her back. 3.5 years he can just toss me away

 

I went to therapy yesterday and the counselor says he has mental issue it sound like. I ask why he NEVER tells me it’s over. He’s so cowardly he won’t tell me in person or on the phone , he could at least text or email and say its over but he like “Leaves it open with no closure” WHY?? Why doesn’t he just tell me its over or have said it months ago when this all started to go downhill. Why didn’t he tell me he was unhappy and missing her. My god all he did was complain about her and get nasty and now he wants her back. WHY because she seems to have moved on, and didn’t care or contact or fawn all over him

 

What do I do?? I thought he loved me

 

 

That is NOT LOV!! This whole post says it's over...His actions alone say it's over you are choosing not to see this. This man treats you like crap and All you seem to do is beg and plead for him to come back when he want nothing to do with you. Move on!!

[bittersweet memories]

Why does he want to be with her again after all Ive given. Why am i not enough. Ive asked over and over if hes unahppy hell say he is.

 

If it really finally over why doent he tell me to let me have closure

 

This man seems to be unhappy with his wife and with YOU too..HIs actions alone should give you closure..

[HurtinginTexas]

I just thought now that he was divorced I was safe. I could have him as mine. I still had doubts and major trust issue ,and hed get fed up and say move forward that was the past.I never thought in a million years hed go back, nor she would take him back. Her email of I could never live with you again made me feel better, but he is persistent when he wants something and all he had to hear from her after her showing months of non-interest is she still has love for him. Well she should they were together for 25 years. Thats not abnormal. He will now wear her down to get back together.. I just dont understand how I could have made him so miserable that he would do this to me again and disappaer. My heart is truly shatteerd.

 

Should I contact him and tell him I know what hes doing and how rotten?

 

Or just disappear?

 

Thank you for your help

[BB07]

Hello Hurtin.......hugs to you.

 

I'm sorry for you pain.....BUT, you've got to STOP letting his man use you and walk on you. This isn't love......this is a sad sick man and there is something very wrong within you to continually allow him to treat you like this. Please continue your therapy and get yourself strong and healthy and then you can start to see this asshat for the real tool he is.

 

When I read the post, it reminded me of IMTK's post.

[skywriter]

Oh Girl, please don't contact him, disappear from his life as he's done to you so often.

 

If you hear his voice, get an email response, text, anything, it'll be a major setback. you'll find yourself obsessing over the next.

 

Be kind to yourself by not making contact. What's worse is the reaponse may be very painful and set you back emotionally. He's already showed he doesn't mind being hurtful, so please don't give him that power.

 

Take back your power, control and dignity.

[jthorne]

 

Should I contact him and tell him I know what hes doing and how rotten?

 

Or just disappear?

 

Thank you for your help

Sweetheart, Please show that you have some self respect, and just disappear. He knows what he's doing is rotten, and chooses to do it anyway. This guy has deep deep issues that you do not need to be dealing with, and WOULD be dealing with if you spent the rest of your life with him.

 

I fully expect that if you don't contact him, after awhile, he'll get curious and contact you again. Again, he does not want you to be hapy with anyone else, but he doesn't want you to be happy with him either. I pray that by the time this jerk contacts you again (and he will), that you will have moved on, realizing that you deserve better.

 

Another poster is right- him cutting it off with you was probably the kindest thing he's ever done. Take advantage of that and get on with your life. There are plenty of men out there that will treat you with a lot more respect than this jerk has.

 

Here's my goodbye letter to him, should you feel you'd want to waste your time on one:

Hey jerk:

Thank you so much for finally letting me go. Other than some good sex, all you've given me is heartache. It's taken me a long time to see that I deserve more than the horseshyt you serve to me, and expect for me to be grateful for it. I have more respect for myself than to allow that to happen anymore.

 

Again, thanks for allowing me to see that my freedom is the best gift you could possibly give me. I'm getting on with my life, and I wish you the best in getting on with yours.

 

Should you feel the need to contact me, I will not answer your calls, texts or emails. In fact, if you contact me, I will promptly forward this communication to your wife.

 

All the best,

Hurting

 

I wouldn't send him anything though- he doesn't deserve to hear from you again. He gets off on it everytime you do.

Edited May 28, 2010 by jthorne

[HurtinginTexas]

But what I dont get it is he didnt cut it off. He called me that morning on the way to the doctor and said love you babe and Im headed to doctor. Then took off. Then the friend calls and says he went to go kill himself and all that

 

I never got any word other than breaking into his email and seeing his contact with the ex and him telling her he loves her and wants to go to therapy now FOR HER. And to not give up on him. Hes said that to me before. Hes so manipulative and a liar.

 

I even forgot to mention I emailed the ex (first time ever) and said I think we need to talk and I apologized for the pain I had caused. Never heard back. I feel its for real this time, but thats what I thought all the others times and never thought hed show his face to me again after 1,2,3,4,5,6,7 breakups and all the lies. Now that hes single and left me for the ex again. Its humiliating. I cant see that hed conatct me again if he got to have the ex of 25 years back and all the family and freinds he lost. if its over why cant he say it? And why would he just end it when he said things were fine, and we had made love the night before. the whole thing is sick and is making me so sick.

[HurtinginTexas]

Why did he leave her and come back all those times. to just leave me and go back to her. i thought it was over all those other times he left also.

[HurtinginTexas]

This guy is very childish. He pouts and says whatever when he doesnt get his way and is very childishly emotionally abusive.

[Fight4Me]

HurtinginTexas,

 

I'm a BW, but I hope you take my words as sincere compassion with an honest motive to encourage you to take this opportunity to escape an extremely toxic situation. One of the things that struck me was how well his XW seems to be doing since finally getting free from him herself. As your own story continued, I got an image of a woman whose life has been eroding away. While I don't know you from Adam, it still broke my heart to see you offering yourself up to this madness over and over and over again. I'd be curious to hear if your counselor has tried getting you to extricate yourself from MM. If not, I'd say you need a new one.

 

The only way you're going to get closure from this is if you make the decision to never engage with this man again. I seriously doubt his ex will take him back, and it's only a matter of time before he contacts you again. Change your number(s), email addresses, and shut down every avenue you possibly can that he might use to manipulate you again. Enlist the help of some friends/family if necessary.

 

If you can just get some time and distance from him, I guarantee you'll look back on this with a completely different perspective than you have now. Please be kind to yourself... this guy never will.

[skywriter]

Well, if the W still feels as she said in her email that you read, that she will always care, doesn't mean she actually wants to reunite.

 

She's had a taste of life without his drama and it might taste pretty good.

 

On the other hand if she does go back to the same ole's habit, (him).

All the better for you, my dear, because that ole' dog, won't be changing his spots.

 

As for never saying it's over, why close the door, just in case you wanna go back through it again, later? Don't let it keep using you for a "fall back girl". Who the heck cares why he does what he does? When you can say that and mean it, you'll be well on your way!

[HurtinginTexas]

Fight4 Me

 

Thank you so much..Why do you think the ex wont take him back..They have a 25 year marriage history. Yes he cheated on her and left 6-7 times and she finally divorced him..People divorce and remarry all the time.

 

Yes she seems to have moved on and done well. Shes healthier than all of us I think. That first summer he left she was devastated..Now that shes moved on and with the new car and new friends and new life and minimal contact he seems to be resentful, or sad. Maybe he stared having feelings when in the Dominican Republc for daughters wedding and was with her there..He claims they never talked..My therapist thinks they slept together.. i dont know.

 

And now through his emails hes trying to get her back..It like I was good enough when he was going through his hurt ego phase after he was left, and he was all hateful and badmouthing her..He said how boring and complained about theer marriage and now hes right back again..Hes emailing one after another like a loon shes engaging in them right back and she fell for fhis horsecrap play of him trying to kill himslef, and please help him get his car to him. She may be lonely at 56 thinking she may not find anyone again and want him back..Maybe she knew he would be back and thats why never made much effort after the divorce..He already said I love you to her, please dont give up on me and that he will do counseling now which she always wanted.

[Spark1111]

Because some people are severely depressed, and flip-flopping for years between two women, thinking the one you are NOT with holds the key to your happiness, is a symptom of a very disturbed person.

 

Because he is so damaged internally, he seems to want most the woman who does not want him at any given time.

 

Because deep-down inside, he feels he is intensely unlovable. But when someone does love him, or want him, he grows cold, and cruel, and begins to despise the very source of that love.

 

How did his mother treat him? I am not being facetious here, either.

 

You have walked into a childhood drama being re-enacted over and over again.

 

If a woman who has known him for 25 years, all his mind games, and all his rediculous behavior, marshalls the family to go try to prevent him from suicide, I would guess he WAS SUICIDAL.

 

And I would guess she saw his depression, tried to love him back to wholeness, and then when she couldn't, freed herself from him to a happier life.

 

Hurtin', this might have been the sweetest relationship you have ever known when it was good and the most painful when it was bad....

 

But this man? This man is seriously depressed bordering mentally ill.

 

Forget about him!

 

He has to not only realize it; HE HAS to fix himself before he can love anyone properly.

 

You, despite his words of undying love, when he flops back to you again, are being used to divert himself from his depression.

 

Steer clear.

[ladydesigner]

(((HurtinginTexas))) Sweetie everything I read in your first post screams EMOTIONAL ABUSE. Both you and his XW have been emotionally abused and manipulated by this man.

 

Please seriously consider getting yourself into therapy to heal from this. He deserves no one but himself. He would be toxic to any woman.

 

Run far from this situation, very far. One day he will be just a blip in your memory. You cannot possibly love someone who is that abusive. He is an addiction to you and has depleted your self esteem.

 

I hope you can get the help to get away from this situation.

[bittersweet memories]

Fight4 Me

 

Thank you so much..Why do you think the ex wont take him back..They have a 25 year marriage history. Yes he cheated on her and left 6-7 times and she finally divorced him..People divorce and remarry all the time.

 

Yes she seems to have moved on and done well. Shes healthier than all of us I think. That first summer he left she was devastated..Now that shes moved on and with the new car and new friends and new life and minimal contact he seems to be resentful, or sad. Maybe he stared having feelings when in the Dominican Republc for daughters wedding and was with her there..He claims they never talked..My therapist thinks they slept together.. i dont know.

 

And now through his emails hes trying to get her back..It like I was good enough when he was going through his hurt ego phase after he was left, and he was all hateful and badmouthing her..He said how boring and complained about theer marriage and now hes right back again..Hes emailing one after another like a loon shes engaging in them right back and she fell for fhis horsecrap play of him trying to kill himslef, and please help him get his car to him. She may be lonely at 56 thinking she may not find anyone again and want him back..Maybe she knew he would be back and thats why never made much effort after the divorce..He already said I love you to her, please dont give up on me and that he will do counseling now which she always wanted.

 

 

You should do the same and move on. Unless you don't want to..looks that way.

[Fight4Me]

Fight4 Me

 

Thank you so much..Why do you think the ex wont take him back..They have a 25 year marriage history. Yes he cheated on her and left 6-7 times and she finally divorced him..People divorce and remarry all the time.

 

Anything is possible, I suppose, but just from what you described, she seemed to become healthier and happier as time and distance went on. Yes, she has a history with him, but the A aside, he is a verbally abusive, passive-aggressive individual. If she had gone downhill after the D, then I'd say that would be evidence that she wasn't recovering from the emotional damage, but the opposite seems to be the case. She may still feel obligated to maintain a loving relationship with him, as the father of her children, but it would be difficult for a "healthy" woman to give up peace to go back to such chaos.

 

Yes she seems to have moved on and done well. Shes healthier than all of us I think. That first summer he left she was devastated..Now that shes moved on and with the new car and new friends and new life and minimal contact he seems to be resentful, or sad. Maybe he stared having feelings when in the Dominican Republc for daughters wedding and was with her there..He claims they never talked..My therapist thinks they slept together.. i dont know.

If they did sleep together, there was probably a lot of pull toward the sentimental part of their relationship. They were both there for their daughter's wedding, a very emotional milestone. Regardless, it is unrealistic that they "never talked," so it's just one more lie he has told you, and that's really all you need to know.

 

And now through his emails hes trying to get her back..It like I was good enough when he was going through his hurt ego phase after he was left, and he was all hateful and badmouthing her..He said how boring and complained about theer marriage and now hes right back again..Hes emailing one after another like a loon shes engaging in them right back and she fell for fhis horsecrap play of him trying to kill himslef, and please help him get his car to him. She may be lonely at 56 thinking she may not find anyone again and want him back..Maybe she knew he would be back and thats why never made much effort after the divorce..He already said I love you to her, please dont give up on me and that he will do counseling now which she always wanted.

Whatever their dynamic, it is their dynamic. You could try to analyze this up one side and down the other, but it doesn't change the fact that he's a dirt bag to you, and history with him always repeats itself. He is the lowest common denominator in the pain and suffering you are going through. Take control of your own life. Choose greater things for yourself because this person only knows how to suck the life out of people. Can you think back to your life before MM? What comparisons can you make between then and now?

[HurtinginTexas]

He was married once before and had two children with his first wife who died. She had 2 kids from her first marraige from a husband who cheated on her and left her to marry that woman. They have no children of their own. She did say when their first became divorced to him" Thanks to you and the first husband Ill never trsut men again" but by reading the email traffic she stilll seems loving caring and giving even though the emotional abuser got pouty to her when he didnt ellicit the response he wanted on a text and said" youve become a coldhearted cu** because of me" She didnt even respond, like the comment didnt even bother her. But she still ran to help. She wont conatct me to see my side of what he has been up to. And I still dont get what I did, or why I get no warning to warrant or deserve this flip flop after 10 months living with him

[norajane]

I just dont understand how I could have made him so miserable that he would do this to me again and disappaer.

This man is a piece of sh*t who has been jerking you and his wife around like dogs on a leash for years. You keep letting him do it to you again and again because you keep letting him back into your life, and he knows all he has to do is show up and you'll get on your knees and worship the ground he walks on in gratitude that he's returned. He knows you will always let him back in; that's why he treats you like crap.

 

Frankly, you need to get your head out of your ass and stop letting him treat you like sh*t like he's been doing for years. He's been using you all along. Every time things get hot at home, he "leaves" her for you because you take him in every single time.

 

Then, when he starts to miss his wife, he dumps you again without a care. Rinse, repeat, over and over and over. And you keep letting him. Why aren't YOU ending things?

 

Why aren't YOU in therapy to figure out why you want a man to treat you like crap?

 

And I still dont get what I did, or why I get no warning to warrant or deserve this flip flop after 10 months living with him

 

He's been flip-flopping on you and his wife for years. It should be absolutely NO surprise that he will keep doing that to you for as long as you let him.

Edited May 28, 2010 by norajane

[ladydesigner]

This man is a piece of sh*t who has been jerking you and his wife around like dogs on a leash for years. You keep letting him do it to you again and again because you keep letting him back into your life, and he knows all he has to do is show up and you'll get on your knees and worship the ground he walks on in gratitude that he's returned. He knows you will always let him back in; that's why he treats you like crap.

 

Frankly, you need to get your head out of your ass and stop letting him treat you like sh*t like he's been doing for years. He's been using you all along. Every time things get hot at home, he "leaves" her for you because you take him in every single time.

 

Then, when he starts to miss his wife, he dumps you again without a care. Rinse, repeat, over and over and over. And you keep letting him. Why aren't YOU ending things?

 

Why aren't YOU in therapy to figure out why you want a man to treat you like crap?

 

 

 

He's been flip-flopping on you and his wife for years. It should be absolutely NO surprise that he will keep doing that to you for as long as you let him.

 

I agree with this!!!!! Please leave this all behind and find the strength to move on. It is sad and tragic that you still continue to think fondly of someone this absurd.