Am I being petty or nagging?

[MommyT]

Looking for outside thoughts! I’ve been married for almost 11 years, we have 3 children (ages 9,5&2). My husband is and has always been an excellent provider for our family. He works extremely hard and takes his role as provider very seriously. He has always wanted us to have the best and his work ethic shows such. He is a general contractor and we are a self-employed family with 3 entrepreneurial businesses: construction company, real estate investing and I’m a part time Realtor. I handle the administration, accounting and management for all. In addition I a take care of our house (5200 sq ft), the children, all the household needs in its entirety (paying bills, grocery shopping, laundry, etc).

 

My husband is a very egotistical and prideful man. He works hard, provides hard, and even plays hard! His way of thinking can sometimes be frustrating to me. His ego, I believe, allows no room for me to be appreciated. I respect him, appreciate him and love him but he can be so selfish and self absorbed sometimes it’s sickening. He knows and understands how much I do, but in conversation he will always revert to him and what he does and it’s like he believes that in comparison he is superior. I don’t want o compete, we are a team.

 

My issues right now, are his thoughtfulness. I need more! He didn’t buy me anything for Mother’s Day, he gave cards from him and the kids, but he says he was so preoccupied that he wasn’t thinking clearly. It really hurt me, but at the same time I am not denied anything that I want so I feel he believes that Mother’s Day is no big deal, but it still make me feel unappreciated. It’s just little things, I mean I’m not the most romantic person in the world but I’m always thinking of his feelings and just getting tired of him not thinking of mine. I know this is his personality, and his good definitely outweighs his bad, but how do I get him to understand what I’m feeling, because he just doesn’t get it. The crazy part is, he is so inconsistent, one year for birthday or mother’s day or something, he’ll go way out and then the next year or so nothing, and he’s doesn’t see anything wrong with it.

 

He also goes out and drinks after work sometimes, he makes sure he gets his play time in, I on the hand, never get any play time, if I do I have to schedule it and keep reminding him so he will be able to stay with the kids. He can be really implusive sometimes which makes life difficult. Granted our personalities are totally different when it comes to play time, I’m more the home body.

 

Am I being petty, or nagging? These small issues have always been here, but they seem to be intensifying and I’m, conflicted. I’m always complimented on how great my husband is and how blessed I am to have him and I do indeed know this. But how do I work through the ego and selfish quirks? I needed to vent!!

Edited May 28, 2010 by MommyT
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[rewe4reel]

Actually I wouldn't call it petty or nagging, but it does sound like you are looking for trivial issues so as to imagine what a bad husband you have, to justify....what?

[xxoo]

. He knows and understands how much I do, but in conversation he will always revert to him and what he does and it’s like he believes that in comparison he is superior.!

 

Can you give an example of this?

 

The Mother's day thing--I suspect that is a symptom of the overall issue of feeling unappreciated. People who feel appreciated all the time don't tend to need a lot of fanfare on Hallmark holidays. Cards from him and the kids sounds nice! And Mother's day gifts can be icing on the cake, but shouldn't be needed for you to feel appreciated. I'd let this one go, and focus on the greater issues. I suspect it won't matter much if you fix the rest.

 

Me time: yes, both parents need it. He takes it, which is great--but do you feel he considers your needs when he takes it? Does he call ahead and let you know he'll be late? Check in and ask if everything is "ok" before going out? Or does he just not show up? What happens if you are having a crappy day and need his help that evening?

 

IME, needing to schedule me time is just reality for the primary caregiver to the children. The other parent assumes "off" until they are home. The at home parent is always assumed "on". Unless YOU prioritize taking time for yourself, don't expect him to do so. Discuss it with him (making sure there are not conflicts with his needs), schedule it, and put it on a calendar he uses. Maybe he can put reminders to himself in his phone, if needed.

[crazycatlady]

Looking for outside thoughts! I’ve been married for almost 11 years, we have 3 children (ages 9,5&2). My husband is and has always been an excellent provider for our family. He works extremely hard and takes his role as provider very seriously. He has always wanted us to have the best and his work ethic shows such. He is a general contractor and we are a self-employed family with 3 entrepreneurial businesses: construction company, real estate investing and I’m a part time Realtor. I handle the administration, accounting and management for all. In addition I a take care of our house (5200 sq ft), the children, all the household needs in its entirety (paying bills, grocery shopping, laundry, etc).

 

My husband is a very egotistical and prideful man. He works hard, provides hard, and even plays hard! His way of thinking can sometimes be frustrating to me. His ego, I believe, allows no room for me to be appreciated. I respect him, appreciate him and love him but he can be so selfish and self absorbed sometimes it’s sickening. He knows and understands how much I do, but in conversation he will always revert to him and what he does and it’s like he believes that in comparison he is superior. I don’t want o compete, we are a team.

 

My issues right now, are his thoughtfulness. I need more! He didn’t buy me anything for Mother’s Day, he gave cards from him and the kids, but he says he was so preoccupied that he wasn’t thinking clearly. It really hurt me, but at the same time I am not denied anything that I want so I feel he believes that Mother’s Day is no big deal, but it still make me feel unappreciated. It’s just little things, I mean I’m not the most romantic person in the world but I’m always thinking of his feelings and just getting tired of him not thinking of mine. I know this is his personality, and his good definitely outweighs his bad, but how do I get him to understand what I’m feeling, because he just doesn’t get it. The crazy part is, he is so inconsistent, one year for birthday or mother’s day or something, he’ll go way out and then the next year or so nothing, and he’s doesn’t see anything wrong with it.

 

He also goes out and drinks after work sometimes, he makes sure he gets his play time in, I on the hand, never get any play time, if I do I have to schedule it and keep reminding him so he will be able to stay with the kids. He can be really implusive sometimes which makes life difficult. Granted our personalities are totally different when it comes to play time, I’m more the home body.

 

Am I being petty, or nagging? These small issues have always been here, but they seem to be intensifying and I’m, conflicted. I’m always complimented on how great my husband is and how blessed I am to have him and I do indeed know this. But how do I work through the ego and selfish quirks? I needed to vent!!

 

 

I don't know if this is your problem or not - however 7 years ago I could have written something very similar - only I was whining about far less then you are whining about lol, you are a strong woman for taking it this long.

 

Anyway back to my point......

 

I would try and talk to my H about how I felt underappreciated. And he would come over the top of me, much like how your stories ended. I felt he was even further belittling what I was doing. He felt I thought I did all the work and he just got to have fun all day.

 

I was so intent on getting my point across, he felt I reguarded him as a paycheck, the finish to my "perfect marriage" concept, that any man with a paycheck would fullfill that spot. So when he came over the top of me, he was really going "HEY I'm important too!" but instead I took it as what I did was trivial, who I was was trivial etc.

 

This is a distructive place. With both partners so intent on their side they can not hear or see the other side.

 

You have very serious points. And he does need to hear them. But it does also sound like there is something you also need to do for him to make him feel appreciated too. But you both need to be able to talk calmly with each other without letting your feelings to get hurt by what the other says.

 

CCL

[MommyT]

Can you give an example of this?

 

The Mother's day thing--I suspect that is a symptom of the overall issue of feeling unappreciated. People who feel appreciated all the time don't tend to need a lot of fanfare on Hallmark holidays. Cards from him and the kids sounds nice! And Mother's day gifts can be icing on the cake, but shouldn't be needed for you to feel appreciated. I'd let this one go, and focus on the greater issues. I suspect it won't matter much if you fix the rest.

 

Me time: yes, both parents need it. He takes it, which is great--but do you feel he considers your needs when he takes it? Does he call ahead and let you know he'll be late? Check in and ask if everything is "ok" before going out? Or does he just not show up? What happens if you are having a crappy day and need his help that evening?

 

IME, needing to schedule me time is just reality for the primary caregiver to the children. The other parent assumes "off" until they are home. The at home parent is always assumed "on". Unless YOU prioritize taking time for yourself, don't expect him to do so. Discuss it with him (making sure there are not conflicts with his needs), schedule it, and put it on a calendar he uses. Maybe he can put reminders to himself in his phone, if needed.

 

 

Well xxoo, I mean if he makes the mistake of asking me how my day was and let's say it wasn't the greatest or I start out by saying it was tough or something, he'll say very harshly or over the top " oh, (chuckle) I'll tell you what tough is, did you hang 1000 sheets of drywall today, did you hang off of someone's roof?" to belittle (in my opinion) what was tough in my world or to make it known what's in his (as if I don't know that). His thinking is my work is office work, I sit at a computer and it's all brain work. His work is brain work but with a huge physical component as well (building, renovating, constructing) and he works very hard and he believes he works harder than any other man in the land. He is not a lazy man at all and he will pile on his work load. This I believe, is bitter sweet for him, it's a ego booster because he is very talented and does excellent work and he's very competitive and often thinks of himself as a real man compared to other men because of the work conditions he withstands, however he still wishes he could earn the same type of money without working so hard. He loves what he does, he is the boss, I couldn't imagine him in any other capacity however, it consumes him.

 

I'm trying to find balance in dealing with him and trying to evaluate myself first. He can be over the top and hard to communicate with because he only sees his own point of view. So frustrating!!

 

You are so right about "if I don't prioritize time for myself, don't expect him to do so" because he is not thinking about me in that way and I am burnt out! I just want a little consideration, is that too much to ask?

 

Oh, and he doesn't call ahead when he's going to go out for a while with they guys, he just does it. He won't answer his phone, the kids are bugging me about when he will be in. Sometimes he'll call and say he is on his way but takes a 3 hour detour to shoot pool or whatever. My kids are a handful and I look forward to him coming in just to be a relief as another adult to redirect or just manage the chaos and sometimes I'll communicate that, but if he has had a crappy day too, he'll go blow off his steam and I'm stuck to deal with mine. His thought pattern is just frustrating!

Edited May 28, 2010 by MommyT
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[xxoo]

Well xxoo, I mean if he makes the mistake of asking me how my day was and let's say it wasn't the greatest or I start out by saying it was tough or something, he'll say very harshly or over the top " oh, (chuckle) I'll tell you what tough is, did you hang 1000 sheets of drywall today, did you hang off of someone's roof?" to belittle (in my opinion) what was tough in my world or to make it known what's in his (as if I don't know that).

 

How do you respond when he does that? (just trying to get an idea of the dynamic).

 

If my H responded that way, I'd ask "are we competing?" I imagine you've already had conversations about how it makes you feel belittled, etc, so use the short and sweet "are we competing?" to point it out when it happens. Don't defend, don't argue...simply ask. Let him answer.

 

You are so right about "if I don't prioritize time for myself, don't expect him to do so" because he is not thinking about me in that way and I am burnt out! I just want a little consideration, is that too much to ask?

 

Yes, it is too much to expect him to prioritize your me time for you. That expectation is probably unrealistic. File it under "do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?"

 

It is not asking too much to expect him to be responsible enough to SHOW UP and watch the kids--without a bunch of reminders--when you schedule time for yourself.

 

Oh, and he doesn't call ahead when he's going to go out for a while with they guys, he just does it. He won't answer his phone, the kids are bugging me about when he will be in. Sometimes he'll call and say he is on his way but takes a 3 hour detour to shoot pool or whatever. My kids are a handful and I look forward to him coming in just to be a relief as another adult to redirect or just manage the chaos and sometimes I'll communicate that, but if he has had a crappy day too, he'll go blow off his steam and I'm stuck to deal with mine. His thought pattern is just frustrating!

 

Now this would be unacceptable to me. Have you talked to him about answering his phone? What reasons does he give not to answer? What explanation does he have for not calling to say that he stopped to play pool, after previously saying he was on his way home?

 

His reasons are important to working out a solution. If he doesn't answer because he percieves you to be calling "too much", that is something to work out together. What are his expectations? What are yours? What can you agree on together?

 

It sounds like money is not an issue. Part of the solution might be finding and hiring a trusted babysitter, and using the babysitter when you need a break.

Edited May 28, 2010 by xxoo

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

You need to communicate this to him better. He does not understand the importance and significance of these things to you.

 

I think the more you are asked about him in this thread, and the more you tell, the worse he is going to look. But the two of you seem to have most of it figured out. He needs to slow down and respect your needs more. The more he keeps trampling your emotions and needs, the more your resentment and hurt will build.

 

Nip this in the bud big time before it becomes a bone of contention!

 

Good Luck.

[DaisyLeigh]

No, your husband is an egotistical *******.

 

I would go ape**** if I had to actually SCHEDULE time to myself and constantly remind a grown ass man to be home to parent HIS children.

 

Personally, I think that you need to get up on his day off, get ready and leave. Tell him, "I'll be back later", and go. Just go off for the day. If he doesn't like it, tough ****. HE helped created those kids too.

 

Turning off his phone would be totally unacceptable. If my husband ever did that, he would rue the day.

 

If I were you, I would stop doing anything for him. After all, you are not considered his partner or his equal. Let him do for himself, since he is so perfect.

[Ronni_W]

if he makes the mistake of asking me how my day was and let's say it wasn't the greatest or I start out by saying it was tough or something, he'll say very harshly or over the top " oh, (chuckle) I'll tell you what tough is, did you hang 1000 sheets of drywall today, did you hang off of someone's roof?"

Specific to these kinds of incidents, you could respond, "Yes, we do have very different ideas and experiences of what constitutes a 'tough day', don't we? Now...let me tell you a bit more about mine." You can adapt it to suit other situations where he is discounting/minimizing your experience or contribution.

 

Have you considered hiring someone to do the house cleaning? And arranging for a babysitter to cover your 'me time', instead of having to be dependent on your hubby for that?

 

I get your frustration and, quite honestly, given the personality that you've described, I'm not sure that your hubby will be able to see or understand how he is contributing to it...or to any of your other feelings, for that matter. (At least, not without lots of individual therapy.) Sadly.

 

There are a couple of books that may help you better deal with all of it and also offer different ways of approaching him:

'Forgive for Love' by Fred Luskin; and 'Till Death Do Us Part (Unless I Kill You First)' by Jamie Turndorf.

I ordered the second on Friday -- so at this point, my recommendation is based on the comments at amazon.com. Have read the first, though.

 

Hugs, and best of luck.

[MommyT]

Thank you so much everyone for all of your comments. I really appreciate them! I needed other point of views to make sure I wasn't crazy or making more of things than I should.

 

I'm going to implement advice from quite a few of you!

 

Thanks again, wish me well!!

[Toodamnpragmatic]

No, your husband is an egotistical *******.

 

I would go ape**** if I had to actually SCHEDULE time to myself and constantly remind a grown ass man to be home to parent HIS children.

 

Personally, I think that you need to get up on his day off, get ready and leave. Tell him, "I'll be back later", and go. Just go off for the day. If he doesn't like it, tough ****. HE helped created those kids too.

 

Turning off his phone would be totally unacceptable. If my husband ever did that, he would rue the day.

 

If I were you, I would stop doing anything for him. After all, you are not considered his partner or his equal. Let him do for himself, since he is so perfect.

 

Your husband is a jerk, and you allow it..... 5200 sf House!!!!! Get a nanny..... Also get some friends and go out and live....

[giotto]

ah, a woman who wants some beta in her husband! Judging from what you are saying about him, you can forget it! He will never change...