HurtinginTexas Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 (edited) I don’t know where to begin but I am hurting so badly my heart is shattered into a million pieces. I will share my story. Its a long one but if anyone can offer advice or insight, even from men point Id be grateful.This relationship started off as an affair so please don’t bash me, and say I got my karma, maybe I did but I fell in love with a married man We all three work at the same installation It started Jan 07. We started seeing each other only talk at first, and after only our first date he stated he was willing to leave his wife of 23 years at the time with only his clothes on his back ,his wallet and car I told him no don’t do that to her. We proceeded on. He left her that summer May 07 to be with me for 3 months and brought his RV down to live in where I live. He left her with an email saying “I won’t be home when you get home. I’ve taken he RV, and my car and bike. Don’t call me. Or come looking for me, etc..” Yes very cold and nasty I thought. After the summer ended Aug 07 he left me at the end of summer disappearing in the middle of the night to go back to her again and dumped me with a text to say ”You were right I never should have left her. Sorry, etc..I am going back home” I was so devastated. It affected my health, my work, and life. He then started talking to me again after ignoring me for a period of time. I was the initiator as I was so hurt and plied him with emails and letters begging him to come back. I was a mess. He was different to me and cold. Saying he wanted to fix things with his wife and family. One day I get a call saying I need to see you before I go hunting and we met he said I love you. We talked and I left and immediately all the texting and attention to me began again. His wife was to be out of town when he returned from hunting and wanted me to be there with him. I spent the weekend. He told me we were back together and he was going to tell her. Well he didn’t talk to me for a week than emailed saying it was the hardest thing he ever had to do to tell her he was leaving and could not do it at this time. But we continued to see each other He went to see counselors at her request, and go to mass all the while seeing me on the side. He even laughs and would tell me that he had a couples therapy appt and never showed up and stood her up for it. I should have ended it then I’m told We continued to see each other through Xmas. He sneaked me in his house when she was gone and traveling and I really felt bad about it rather like trash, and he still would call her morning and evening to check in telling me he had to call or shed keep calling and bugging. He left home around mid Dec 07 to be with me. It lasted about a week. And I went back one night to where he was staying and he had left again. I had planned a trip to Vegas for the New Year as he said we’d start our lives together that year. Well I call and text and look for him frantically and worried and I get a text saying “Move on Its over no more contact” He said he was “going on alone” but wanted his wedding ring back. I had asked for it out of insecurity and I already didn’t trust him from the first incident. Well I went into a severe depression and cried and got sick that winter but a month later he emailed again and I stupidly replied and started contact. Told me he felt so badly that he left to kill himself that day he ditched me. Whatever By Jan 12 we were talking again. He sent flowers. Said he was so grateful I was talking to him again. He left home that afternoon and emailed me and left a voicemail saying he was sleeping in his office at work to call him the next morning and if I didn’t he leave town never to return. I fell for it. I called. We talked and he was gone from home for two days. I felt so awful inside seeing him after what he’s done. He told me “let me be the bandage for your broken heart”. Well I fell for it made love to him and he left back for home. He texted me days later saying “I can never fix your hurt and pain and you’ll never trust me etc..” I text back and the phone s disconnected. Two weeks go by back and he emailed Feb 08 he buys a big diamond engagement ring and he wants me to be his wife someday April 08 He takes me with him to bike week in AZ the whole time he never call her. So when he’s back she’s mad, and says get his things out and be gone. He takes his convenient RV and takes it to work this time. I stay there with him for 8 days. One night she shows up banging on door. He’s so cowardly he never answered. But my car was outside and she knew. Well again three days went by he stayed with me . I get back after work one afternoon the RV was open and a note was left saying” take your things out of here I’m going back to see my kids then back home” He left me to go back to his kids in Phoenix (34 and 38) to sit and cry and put on an act to them how sad he was for getting caught. I got an email from her saying he said “ I was a fatal attraction he had an affair with once and I never left him alone since. And she said I was pathetic” I was so angry I emailed him and said how dare you never once had I done anything fatal attraction like or caused him any problems for all the hurt he caused me over and over A month went by I got an I’m sorry letter in the mail. I ignore it. Then he started poking at me with little emails. By May we talked. May 08 he took a day off when she was out of town to go on a Harley ride and talk things over. The neighbor saw him out on a day he was to be a work, called the wife who was in Albuquerque. She called him and was furious and came right home. All our plans for mem day were shot and he blew me off. June July and Aug 08 fly by with the same lies and games. July I get another ring Aug 08 he took me to Colorado to see some old high school white trash buddies of his that he hadn’t seen in years to impress them with his younger girl (He’s 56 I’m 40 now). Prior to this trip he had mentioned taking me with him to meet his family in Maine. When we came back from this Colo trip he dropped me off at Airport parking and left to rush back home and never called to see if I made it home ok or anything. In fact he didn’t talk to me or see me for a month after. Only emails like “Good morning and good bye babe”. Then he finally emails and say sorry I am not going to Maine his wife is, and he’s so sorry things got so messed up but ill contact you babe He didn’t but an email occasionally. He came back from Maine from a two week trip. Came back to work. Still didn’t call me. Told me about the trip that his wife didn’t help do anything, said she nagged him at the airport about something and he said “shut the F up fatass” and why he said that I thought was awful Anyway after a period of him not talking or seeing me I take off for a work trip to Florida and I have an auto reply feature on my email that I put I would be gone for an extended period of time. He must have emailed and got that back. Then I finally start getting calls. “Where are u” “R u with someone else u must be” “ Oh what a fu**ed life” I call back we talk and again I fall for it Story short he left home for a week was with me. Gets condo on a lease for 700/month. Then disappeared on me and left to go back home. Looses out thousand because of the lease he broke. I contact him and say what about us and what the hell is wrong with you. I get the reply “I don’t know to what extent there is for us right now”. Then it starts again and Oct, Nov, Dec 08 go by. We are in 09. He’s with her for all holidays and all I get are the scraps, crumbs and leftovers and he tells me what do I want he’s married Super bowl 09 they must have had a fight. He tells me he told her he’s not attracted to her anymore. They go to separate bedrooms for a week. He tells me hes going to end it. He sees me for lunch makes love to me tells me to plan a trip for the long valentine weekend next week. He goes home and I don’t hear from him again. He then tells me that they just decided they cant live without each other. Feb. March, April, May and June 09 go by. I leave for Germany for work in July. July 1st he comes to me as she is out of town and takes me on a romantic Bday, and out jet skiing another day and I leave for my trip. I come back in mid July and he’s left home This time it was for real. She was filing for divorce. After 3 other attempts that she gave up. I stayed with him through it all. The ugliness. The divorce. He locks her out of the house. He changes the locks. The alarm code. All this stuff I won’t go on about. He’s says he wanted the divorce. And it was his plan to force her to get it and have her pay for it. I knew there was something wrong. He seemed so angry and resentful and nasty for someone who wanted the divorce. It was a blow to his ego I don’t think he ever wanted the divorce. I think he thought it would go on forever this way. Anyway I spent the remainder of 09 July-Dec living with him as he proceeded to sell his house. We traveled. Had fun. Spent what I thought was all this quality time. I felt that we had brought so much baggage and hurt and nastiness into our relationship that we need to seek counseling and was told flat out NO. We went through so much through this time He sold the house. Lived in his RV for awhile waiting to find an apt and waiting for RV to sell. Meanwhile I m hearing all the nastiness and comments about her. Long story short we get an apt. By Feb 10 I am living with him. We drive to work together. Went to Hawaii for 8 days, etc But I had started feeling really badly since April. Like things were wrong. Not the same. He wasn’t happy. I was starting to get so unhappy I at felt like times saying I wish you were dead. He seemed to stop trying. Stopped caring about the way he looked. Stared sarcastic comments. No more flowers. Gifts . Efforts. I would cry and he would sit there stone cold looking at me saying “Knock it off” He would not take me in his arms or hold me or apologize. I asked to please hold me up as a priority in his life he screams “ Oh yeah you want me to hold up here in the sky while the rest of us are pieces of Sh** beneath you”. Gosh that’s not what I wanted I wanted to be valued, appreciated and a priority It got so all wed do is fight. I knew things were wrong. I wanted to fix things and get the old us back. I would nag and say you used to this and you don’t do that, which I know men hate but when I feel things slipping away I talk things to death. He sit and stare at me and say I’m crazy and negative and screwed up in the head. That he was happy and I was imagining all this. He never wanted to take me to meet his grown kids. I realize it was only sept 09 they got divorced but it was April 10 now and all Id hear is “Stop pushing yourself on them let it happen naturally”. I asked about the marriage proposals now that he was single since he asked when he was married. He said “Marriage ?? I just got divorced why would I want to get married? Can’t we just get to know each other first It had all changed under my eyes. He would sit and text and face book. I’d get furious that all he did is text all evening and not want to talk or be with me and share. He refused to put any pic of me on face book , or carry one of me in wallet , or have lunch at work not that he was single He went to Dominican republic to wed his daughter. I wasn’t invited. He tells me last minute the wife went. We fought. I couldn’t get ahold of him some nights. My therapist said he should have taken me if he truly love me He came back different. I felt it. Late April 10 he broke his ankle at work. I took care of him and waited on him hand and foot. One day I come home and instead of I love you babe welcome home its “Glad you’re home I’m tired of hopping back and forth to get ice. Glad my nig**** is home “ trying to make a joke. I was so hurt. I took care for three weeks. He has 45 days of comp time from work so than he takes off to phoenix to see his kids. He stays 9 days I pick him up from the airport Monday May 24th. We eat talk make love. I bring up his ex wife asking if she got a new car and he says she bought a 60K caddy for herself and I said good for her she deserves it. I said I noticed her on face book and she advertised looking for dating and relationships. I said she’s moved on it seems. He said shes been going out to Vegas, wine parties all kinds of stuff. She’s living life. While I think we are just existing I said. I call him Tuesday from work to say I see a flyer of her on post saying its her Bday and to RSVP to a party. Bottom line I come home Tuesday he had gone shopping for groceries cooked me dinner we made love and went to bed I get up Wed morning to kiss him goodbye for work and go to work. He calls me at work at 0900 on the way to a dr. appt follow-up for ankle “ He say I love you babe talk to you later.” 3 hours go by I call to see how it went and my texts are ignored. My calls ignored. His best friend from work calls at noon to tell me that he just came by work and dropped off his caddy, got his jeep, and contacted his ex wife that his caddy was there with all the keys and and apt keys too. His friend said I think he’s going to kill himself. We discuss his behavior lately. The friend says he been silent despondent. I said I thought he was happy as he says he’s happy all the time, and that I ask him if he seems unhappy and all he tells me is I’m crazy” His friend went to post police to file a report. I went to where his car was locked it and took the keys(yes out of insecurity and I was not going to let him screw me over again). I called him frantically crying. Never heard back. I went home and logged on to his email, have his password(yes that’s wrong). I tell his friend that this is a desperate ploy to get the ex wife’s attention and help was shocked I see emails from Tuesday to his ex wife saying about how this day was so hard for him (being her Bday).And that he was leaving and would let her know where and what he needed. Meaning he knew that Tuesday night I made love to him that he was leaving ]I see Wednesday emails and all these emails to and from ex-wife “She tells him please don’t do anything stupid” He says “Ive already done the stupid thing letting u go from my life” She questions where he’s at? Then the kids of his are all emailing and upset. Must be 50 emails back and forth asking where he was and he plays game with no, not there, not there when she asks. He send an email “what the fu** do u care” “She had responded “ my god we were marred for 25 years I loved you and still do but I can’t live with you anymore but I will always care”. He says whatever He call me finally Thursday morning at my mom’s house very cold and nasty sounding demanding his keys, and that he wants to get into the apt and for me to leave the keys behind I cry and beg on the phone what did I do. Why r u being this way. I said I took the keys because I thought he was going to kill himself. He said he was and that his life was miserable and I started crying that he has no concern for me and this was for her benefit to get her attention and what I was put through and he hung up. I called back many times and was ignored. I feel like crap being told his life is utterly miserable. Ive been his life for ten months. It must be because of me I feel like dying now. I have been with him single for 10 months now. I finally thought I was safe. That he was mine. I’d ask if he wanted her back, or that life and hed get mad and say NO or scream or say I’m so negative . He’s grown into a diff person and it’s not all the promises that were made. The behaviors changed. He doesn’t seem happy. I went into the email Thursday and see a bunch of emails begging his wife to help him get his car, which he already has. Saying he is going back to Phoenix to be with his kids, and will seek help and counseling when he gets back. He says he loves her and begs her to help him and please not give up on him. He stayed at a motel (per his email) near her, and was awaiting her to get the car to him I feel like crap . He has his damn car it was all a play to get her to come to him. To show interest to regain control he lost since SHE moved on. I feel like calling her and telling her everything but won’t. She hates me I am sure as I played part in running the marriage but how could she be this gullible. He’s a liar. Childish. Selfish. Narcissistic. I feel like screaming out to he’s lying to you. Its control. He wants her back now. And I’m forgotten after all Ive given, and loved him, and been there ,a d all the promises and stood by his side. He did this same behavior with me when hed want my attention back I asked repeatedly when we were together and begged for him to go to counseling and therapy for us as we have a lot of issues (trust on my part) and he flat out said NO. Not going to do it. Hed lie to the therapist and tell him what he wants to hear. It’s a blessing and curse to read these emails because I see for my own eye he’s been lying but it hurts so bad I want to die. I want to call, and email and beg and plead for him not to do this to me again (since it happened 7-8 time before) because he told me he would never leave me, wed be together forever and he used to say I was the love of his life. His actions never matched his words. But all I want to do is get him back. I m so screwed up in the head, I cry all the time. My friends are tired of hearing the same story and I’m losing them one by one. Now he’s ditched me. He has treated me pretty shabbily and obviously care how I feel. I have stated that I don’t feel appreciated or loved or cared for and he yells at me” of I’m so sick and tired of hearing that I feel like death. I need to let him go. I still want to call and contact and ask why he could do this to me even though I see with my own to eyes in his emails he’s lying to me, has been wanting her back. 3.5 years he can just toss me away I went to therapy yesterday and the counselor says he has mental issue it sound like. I ask why he NEVER tells me it’s over. He’s so cowardly he won’t tell me in person or on the phone , he could at least text or email and say its over but he like “Leaves it open with no closure” WHY?? Why doesn’t he just tell me its over or have said it months ago when this all started to go downhill. Why didn’t he tell me he was unhappy and missing her. My god all he did was complain about her and get nasty and now he wants her back. WHY because she seems to have moved on, and didn’t care or contact or fawn all over him What do I do?? I thought he loved me Edited May 28, 2010 by HurtinginTexas
GrayClouds Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 I am sorry for you hurting. Though you already know what you need to do and that is focus on healing. As you do that you need to work on yourself to understand why you would allow yourself to be manipulated by another person in this way, why the excitement of a relationship with a married man was more interesting for you then with someone who would be willing to committee and give you all that you deserve. Start by focusing on your self, going complete NC and spend your time with your therapist examining your self not him. Sorry for your pain.
Author HurtinginTexas Posted May 28, 2010 Author Posted May 28, 2010 He finally got divorecd and I thought i was safe and he was mine. He said thats what he wanted. I guess I made him miserable
Author HurtinginTexas Posted May 29, 2010 Author Posted May 29, 2010 I find out more information. Im in his email and see hes looking at houses elsewhere as it seems he is going to just braek the lease where we are and move elsewhere behind my back. Im in such agony. If I didnt know his email and password I wouldnt have know. Hes talking to his ex and sharing all the things he should be with me. I took care of him for a month with the broken ankle. Not her. Ive been theer living with hin for a year. Not her. Now he says he wants professional help to fix his problems. Its all a ploy to get her back. What about me? My feelings? He was with me tuesady we make locve, he cooks dinner we make plans for memorial day and hes gone the next knowing all along he was leaving. Not even a warning that he was going. Havent even heard we were over. He swore hes never leave or hurt me ever again
norajane Posted May 29, 2010 Posted May 29, 2010 He's lied to you and his ex-wife a million times, and he's left both you and her a million times, and you both keep taking him back. Why? Why would you believe anything that comes out of his mouth when he's proven himself a million times over and over that he's not at all trustworthy? Why are you ruining your life by letting him use you and screw you over time and time again? It's not like you've had no clue that he's a dick.
GrayClouds Posted May 29, 2010 Posted May 29, 2010 I find out more information. Im in his email and see hes looking at houses elsewhere as it seems he is going to just braek the lease where we are and move elsewhere behind my back. Im in such agony. If I didnt know his email and password I wouldnt have know. Hes talking to his ex and sharing all the things he should be with me. I took care of him for a month with the broken ankle. Not her. Ive been theer living with hin for a year. Not her. Now he says he wants professional help to fix his problems. Its all a ploy to get her back. What about me? My feelings? He was with me tuesady we make locve, he cooks dinner we make plans for memorial day and hes gone the next knowing all along he was leaving. Not even a warning that he was going. Havent even heard we were over. He swore hes never leave or hurt me ever again You are in the place where you are working hard to confirm all this awful feeling are understandable. They are, he used you and then hurt you. So now you can stop looking for reason to feel bad. You deserve to but what you do not deserve is to continue to look for reasons. It is time to start being kind to yourself. Start by reading those links I gave you in my earlier post. After you do, post up to tell me how your going to put that information into practice.
Author HurtinginTexas Posted May 29, 2010 Author Posted May 29, 2010 Can you send me links again please
GrayClouds Posted May 29, 2010 Posted May 29, 2010 Can you send me links again please Here you go: The No Contact Guide So you want a second chance? Remember the thing that matters most is you, learn to be kind to yourself.
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