Cantcope Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 Originally posted in breakups, but everyone there must be too busy to say anything. Just please help.... = ( Broke NC last week in an email at work. He emailed me about something, and I had to come back with some sarcastic crap and make myself look like a fool. So, we ended up texting eachother for a few nights and I got what seemed to be my "closure" email. Yet, I still kept going back for more....just wanting to talk to him. It's amazing how once you break NC, it is SO damn hard to go back. He ended up calling me drunk as can be on Friday night. He was driving and was lost. Stupid me, I sit on the phone with him while he finds his way home. Hearing about how he doesn't have anything to live for anymore, should just end it all, etc. He tends to get a bit dramatic when he's drunk. He says he's home, I tell him to be safe, and within 5 minutes he's pounding on my door. I let him in like a fool. He sits on my bed staring at me. Telling me that he really does love me, misses me, and thinks I should pinch him because he MUST be dreaming....BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. I bought it. I slept with him....twice. Next day I had to leave the house, woke him and told him to get out! He sent me a text later that he shouldn't have called and he was an a**hole. Yea....really? Can't blame him for the sex, he didn't rape me, what hurts is that the words, they were just drunk crap! That night when I was with him, I wondered to myself what I ever saw in this drunk jerk. He was never very nice to me, and seriously...how immature can you be? So please....PLEASE tell me....WHY am I still texting him every night? WHY am I still addicted? He tells me when he's sober that he misses me every day, lost his lover and best friend in the world, can't sleep at night, etc., but says that it doesn't change that we don't work as a couple. I don't know if he's trying to convince me...or himself of that! Please, I know that you are reading this, and may just close the page and move on, but take a second to reply, please.... I need support now. Starting over at day 1 again is really hard for me. I can't go through this again, yet I keep telling him over and over again that I hope one day he will come back and that I'm leaving the "door of opportunity" open for him. HOW F*CKING PATHETIC CAN I BE? MY MOTHER WOULD BE ASHAMED OF ME!
northstar1 Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 Ok so you fell off the NC horse. We all make mistakes during breakups. Dust yourself off and get back on the horse, it's not too late. This should show you your ex is a POS who is looking out for himself. We all have done something regretful post breakup - writing letters, calling them, texting, begging etc. It's part of a learning process. But you can also see now see the acute pain caused when you break NC. Learn from that pain and move on.
sedgwick Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 It's never going to be easy, but you have to do it. NC sucks a whole lot and is hard as hell, but I've managed to make it two years just because I don't want to give up my self-respect to someone who's already taken everything else. It DOES get easier with time.
Author Cantcope Posted May 28, 2010 Author Posted May 28, 2010 and yet I just did it again. We work together and I just overheard him telling someone that he has to pitch in his softball game tonight and he's really nervous. I just texted him that I know he'll do really well and that I'm chearing for him. WTF!!! It's like this freaking demon takes over my body and I can't help but do it. I have never in my life understood my ex husband so well. He was an addict and I would get so mad when he would take another pill. He would say that he couldn't control himself. I thought that was BS. Now I understand it. I hate who I have become. How can I be so freaking WEAK???
northstar1 Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 Well, you can either keep putting your hand on the hot stove, knowing it will burn, or you leave the kitchen. The choice is yours you know. You can help it, but you are choosing short gratification (the few seconds of happiness you feel when you send a text) over the residual pain that will keep burning you if you keep this up. What do you think is best?
Author Cantcope Posted May 28, 2010 Author Posted May 28, 2010 I know what's best. I'm just stuck in that crappy place again thinking that I need to say just one more thing....ya know, the thing that will make him want to run back. I know that nothing I do or say can make him come back, and that what I don't do or say will have a bigger impact. I understand the concept of NC fully. It is to heal me. Going 22 days before, I saw that I was a happier person. I need to get back there. Today would have been day 2. Now I'm back to nothing. He doesn't deserve to have me cheering him on anymore.
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