Asking girls out described as "crude"

[counterman]

So, I have been asking girls out and I told my friend how after 10 - 20 minutes of talking to a girl I am interested in, I would ask her out. If I'm rejected, then I'll move on and would be able to ask another girl out that I am interested in.

 

Now, my friend has never asked out a girl but he recently got together with his closest girlfriend by admitting to her that he liked her. Suddenly, he thinks he can give me dating advice. He started listing all these girls that got together with guys that were originally there friends and came up with a concluding statement that rather than just approaching girls and asking them out I should become their friends first and then ask them out. He proceeded to tell me that I was wrong with my approach.

 

I interpreted this as getting friend-zoned first and then trying to get something more out of it later. Seriously. He waited so many years just to ask her out. I think he doesn't like the way I approach things because he couldn't do it himself. And now he's trying to brag about his heroics of admitting to a girl that he likes her.

 

I realised there confidence, and then there's fake confidence. Putting down someone and trying to make them feel inferior to you is no way to build real confidence. That's just pathetic. I feel that if I don't ask girls out like I do, I will end up dating one of my friends, which I do not want to. I like the thrill of getting to know someone new.

[espec10001]

Always ask them out from the get go. You have to make it clear to them that you are interested in them. Then it's up to them to decide if they reciprocate. Otherwise if you just treat it as a friendship at first it will likely remain that way because you waited too long.

[somedude81]

You're doing cold approaches. It's the method prefereed by the pick up community. How has it worked for you?

 

There is a big gap between asking somebody out 20 minutes after you meet them to waiting years. My goal is to find the happy medium. I don't feel comfortable at all with asking out somebody that I just met. The quickest I've ever asked somebody out was three months after meeting them. I had a couple of dates with her but got friendzoned in the end. Now my goal is to cut that time in half.

[counterman]

It's not really 10 - 20 minutes after. I usually play it by the ear. There must be a decent conversation and a bit of a rapport established.

 

I would usually meet them first. But, by the third meeting, if I am really interesting, I would ask her on a date. The last few girls I have asked out didn't work out really well. I take it that they're just not really interested. One of the girls says that she only dates friends. Another one doesn't date and she's very religious. Another one, I left a gap too far in between from when I got her number to when I asked her out.

 

Yeah, I wouldn't wait for years. But, apparently some would.

[xxoo]

I don't think it is crude to ask someone out after just meeting, but maybe there are women who would be unlikely to say "yes" without knowing a guy better.

 

But, a comment about "friendzone":

 

If you are friends with a girl, and she is attracted to you, it is unlikely to be "friendzoned". If you give her the "tinglies", she'll want to take the friendship to the next level. "Friendzoned" means "she's just not that into you"--and you find out later rather than sooner (but have a friend! lol). The possibility of an romance before becoming friends was probably not reality.

 

Hop on over to the infidelity and Other Woman/Other Man boards to see how often "just friends" becomes "in love". It happens all the time, if there is mutual attraction.

[counterman]

I understand it now. It was just I have no experience with ever feeling that way about a friend. Although, I have had some girl friends that have liked me, they're not my friends anymore, because I think they wanted something more from me but I didn't feel the same. I have had friends who have hooked up and stopped hanging out with me afterwards.

 

I agree with you that were are some women who are unlikely to say "yes" without knowing someone better. In fact, it has happened to me. As much as I do want to get to know her better, would it be unreasonable to stop seeing her knowing that our friendship would not eventuate into something more? If, say, I feel strong interest for a girl and she's not sure, should I give it that extra time?

[somedude81]

It's not really 10 - 20 minutes after. I usually play it by the ear. There must be a decent conversation and a bit of a rapport established.

 

I would usually meet them first. But, by the third meeting, if I am really interesting, I would ask her on a date. The last few girls I have asked out didn't work out really well. I take it that they're just not really interested. One of the girls says that she only dates friends. Another one doesn't date and she's very religious. Another one, I left a gap too far in between from when I got her number to when I asked her out.

 

Yeah, I wouldn't wait for years. But, apparently some would.

See that's different. When you said 10-20 min I assumed you meant, you asked them out the first meeting. I see nothing wrong with asking out somebody that you've talked to a few times. That's the way I prefer it.

 

The thing with girls and their reasons, you never really know if she's being honest or not. I suggest If their reason seems valid just believe it. It saves you from damaging your confidence by thinking that it's something about you.

 

But, a comment about "friendzone":

 

If you are friends with a girl, and she is attracted to you, it is unlikely to be "friendzoned". If you give her the "tinglies", she'll want to take the friendship to the next level. "Friendzoned" means "she's just not that into you"--and you find out later rather than sooner (but have a friend! lol). The possibility of an romance before becoming friends was probably not reality.

The problem with the friendzone is that guys often can't tell if a girl is attracted to them or not. A guy can spend months in limbo and not have a clue where he stands. Also some girls may be attracted to the guy, but if he doesn't make a move, she loses that interest then sticks him in the friendzone.

 

It's best for the guy to find out what his situation with a girl is before he wastes time and energy on her.

Edited May 28, 2010 by somedude81

[counterman]

I have thought about going for it in the first meeting a few times but it didn't seem natural and conversation was way to brief as I had to be on my way. So yes, different situations. But, generally, after a few meetings, I usually ask, unless I don't think I will see her again, then maybe I suggest to meet up and then ask her out on a date.

 

That's the thing with the last girl I asked out. I made it clear that I was asking her out on a date and we went out and I ask her out again on another date and she accepted. But, then I realised we were only "hanging out" and she said she only dates people that she knows. Too bad, because I liked her then and wasn't going to wait around to find out that I'm only a friend.

 

If I am rejected, I usually take it that the girl isn't interested. That's fair. I mean, not every girl is going to be interested in me and I am certainly not going to be interested in many girls.

 

Do you think I should change my approach in any way?

[You'reasian]

I have thought about going for it in the first meeting a few times but it didn't seem natural and conversation was way to brief as I had to be on my way. So yes, different situations. But, generally, after a few meetings, I usually ask, unless I don't think I will see her again, then maybe I suggest to meet up and then ask her out on a date.

 

That's the thing with the last girl I asked out. I made it clear that I was asking her out on a date and we went out and I ask her out again on another date and she accepted. But, then I realised we were only "hanging out" and she said she only dates people that she knows. Too bad, because I liked her then and wasn't going to wait around to find out that I'm only a friend.

 

If I am rejected, I usually take it that the girl isn't interested. That's fair. I mean, not every girl is going to be interested in me and I am certainly not going to be interested in many girls.

 

Do you think I should change my approach in any way?

 

Sounds good.

 

One of my buddies is in your same situation and uses a similar approach, except he seems to get a good number of dates from the women he approaches before they split. We're talking a good 6-7 dates over a month and a half, with 3-5 being very steamy.

 

Nothing wrong with floating around the dating scene and enjoying it.

 

Go forth and live it up, when the right one comes you'll know. Don't forget about the numbers game aspect...

[Morals]

Now, my friend has never asked out a girl but he recently got together with his closest girlfriend by admitting to her that he liked her. Suddenly, he thinks he can give me dating advice. He started listing all these girls that got together with guys that were originally there friends and came up with a concluding statement that rather than just approaching girls and asking them out I should become their friends first and then ask them out. He proceeded to tell me that I was wrong with my approach.

 

That's wrong of him to think he can give you dating advice, and to tell you that you are wrong. Everyone approaches it differently. Just because it's different doesn't make it bad. That goes for both of you!

 

I interpreted this as getting friend-zoned first and then trying to get something more out of it later. Seriously. He waited so many years just to ask her out. I think he doesn't like the way I approach things because he couldn't do it himself. And now he's trying to brag about his heroics of admitting to a girl that he likes her.

 

I hate to quote movies but... "Jealously leads to anger, anger leads to hate"

 

You are jealous that he got successful, and now you sound like you are getting angry. Your statement above is more speculation then anything. Does it matter if your friend doesn't like your way of dating? You have your way, he has his. Let it go.

 

I realised there confidence, and then there's fake confidence. Putting down someone and trying to make them feel inferior to you is no way to build real confidence. That's just pathetic. I feel that if I don't ask girls out like I do, I will end up dating one of my friends, which I do not want to. I like the thrill of getting to know someone new.

 

Bold part first=You are right, but calling your friend pathetic makes me think that you two might not be as good friends as you think you both are. The fact you are talking about him like this does not bode well for your friendship.

 

Underline part=What's wrong with dating one of your friends? (girls I assume). The fallacy behind not dating friends is utterly ridiculous. If you are a good friend with someone, why would you NOT want to date them? If you have feelings and rapport with someone that well, why shut yourself off of maybe some of the closest relationships you might find all over the sake of "thrill"?

 

You don't have to, but you are purposefully shutting people out of your life, and you are here complaining about not finding a girl when you purposefully are blocking yourself from getting a girl that might already have feelings for you. If they are a true friend but don't like you as more then a friend then you won't lose the friendship. If they respond aversely to you trying to be more then friends, then they probably weren't good friends in the first place. Wouldn't you agree?

[counterman]

Sounds good.

 

One of my buddies is in your same situation and uses a similar approach, except he seems to get a good number of dates from the women he approaches before they split. We're talking a good 6-7 dates over a month and a half, with 3-5 being very steamy.

 

Nothing wrong with floating around the dating scene and enjoying it.

 

Go forth and live it up, when the right one comes you'll know. Don't forget about the numbers game aspect...

 

That's probably one thing I am forgetting about, the numbers game aspect. I am actually not asking girls out that regularly.

 

That's wrong of him to think he can give you dating advice, and to tell you that you are wrong. Everyone approaches it differently. Just because it's different doesn't make it bad. That goes for both of you!

 

I agree, but it goes further back as well. Everything I do tends to be wrong for him.

 

I hate to quote movies but... "Jealously leads to anger, anger leads to hate"

 

You are jealous that he got successful, and now you sound like you are getting angry. Your statement above is more speculation then anything. Does it matter if your friend doesn't like your way of dating? You have your way, he has his. Let it go.

 

True, but, in reference to what I said earlier, it is annoying when you are told by a friend that you are wrong frequently in this. In all honesty, it stems deeper than this as well. His girlfriend is friends with my ex-girlfriend who is dating my former friend. It was a good break-up. I find it amazing how my friend who I knew properly didn't think the best of me is now finding more ways to discourage me.

 

I would I am bitter because the girls I have been meeting have been flaky.

 

Bold part first=You are right, but calling your friend pathetic makes me think that you two might not be as good friends as you think you both are. The fact you are talking about him like this does not bode well for your friendship.

 

Underline part=What's wrong with dating one of your friends? (girls I assume). The fallacy behind not dating friends is utterly ridiculous. If you are a good friend with someone, why would you NOT want to date them? If you have feelings and rapport with someone that well, why shut yourself off of maybe some of the closest relationships you might find all over the sake of "thrill"?

 

You don't have to, but you are purposefully shutting people out of your life, and you are here complaining about not finding a girl when you purposefully are blocking yourself from getting a girl that might already have feelings for you. If they are a true friend but don't like you as more then a friend then you won't lose the friendship. If they respond aversely to you trying to be more then friends, then they probably weren't good friends in the first place. Wouldn't you agree?

 

He's not pathetic. The act of putting someone down, especially in front of others, to make yourself feel better about yourself is pathetic. We aren't that good of friends. He thinks we are but what makes him think we are when he treats me that way?

 

Nothing wrong with dating friends at all if, like you said, there's feelings and an established rapport but that's why I don't want to date my friends because I am not attracted to them and don't have that feeling. I might make it seem as though there's something wrong... but I understand there isn't. Believe me I would be open-minded to it but like I said, I have had no experience of ever feeling that way about a friend. If it ever happens, I would consider taking it further.

 

I have no issue with finding a girl. Now, going through this thread, I have an issue of friendship.

[TheBigQuestion]

Ehh this dude is just being a biotch. It's kind of like when my supposed "best friend" would make negative remarks about my ex and I as a couple to other people (and sometimes to me) because he wanted her, but was a perpetual chump who always got friendzoned by women.

[brainygirl]

I don't think there is anything wrong with how you are approaching women. I hope you aren't being mean or dismissive of the women who turn you down, and I hope you are asking girls out based on more than "hey your pretty", but I don't think trying to maintain a friendship with a girl for months of years before dating her is the way to go. Certainly not how I approach dating men.

[alphamale]

He proceeded to tell me that I was wrong with my approach.

your friend is a moron

[Green]

There is nothing "crude" about asking girls out if you are respectful about it. Your friend is entitled to his opinions but really his advice shouldn't be taken IMO.

 

I literally asked my current gf out with in a minute of meeting her... she ended up turning me down but let on that she liked me... so we kept talking and I asked her out again and the rest is history.