SassyC Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 So, I told my husband about my affair. He was VERY angry, but I was not surprised. He also confessed to having cyber sex with an old girlfriend as well as a EA with a coworker. We have talked and talked. We were up all night. He got through some of the anger. I know that will take time though. I feel as if we both screwed up and we are both on a level field. Him confessing to me was the best thing that could have happened. So, we will stay together and work on this. I really do believe we can get through this. We will start marraige counseling and we will focus on each other, which we have not done in years. Any advice on how to get through this part would be greatly appreciated.
bentnotbroken Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 No! I don't believe a marriage can survive infidelity. I think that cheating kills an already ailing marriage.........BUT........ I do believe that those couples who choose to, who desire to and who give 110% of themselves can build a new marriage using the lessons learned from the broken marriage. I think that a relationship built on truth,faith, honor, respect, integrity and dignity can grow from the devastation of an affair. I think that the communication that comes from the affair can be transferred into communicating about all aspects of marriage. What better way for something to grow than from the manure of the old marriage? I think when 2 people decide to fight together for a new relationship they become a formidable force. A force that has to be strong enough to rebuild trust and weak enough to lean only on each other. They have to be strong enough to withstand the outside forces(AP, family, stereotypes)internal forces(anger, resentment, flashbacks, residual feelings), yet weak enough to walk in the others shoes. They have to be strong enough to fight for years, yet weak enough to use the word "I" more than the word "YOU". They have to be strong enough to build and honor new boundaries together yet weak enough to know your true "strength" is in the bond of the two of you. So no I don't think marriages can survive cheating. But God is good all the time and nothing is impossible...including new beginnings. The ability to understand past bad choices and the direction that you wish to will need to be established first. You and he are in for one hell of a fight. Wars aren't won instantly, it is won by one battle at a time.
Samantha0905 Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 Well, I'm sure that's a big weight off your shoulders. I think getting to marriage counseling soon is the best course of action. I hope things go well.
LSNoob Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 Yea both messed up, but lets be fair not about the same level, like you say. I say just a little bit higher, couple-hundred levels higher. Ah well, at least the good side of you is showing and you doing the right thing, finally after 6 months. Good luck.
Owl Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 Just realize that the both of you are going to be on a rollercoaster ride of emotions over the next few months...and you're not both on the same ride. Sometimes when he's doing good, you'll be doing horrible, and vice versa. And sometimes when things are good, they'll be EXCELLENT...and when they're bad, they'll be the worst you can imagine. Just don't make any hasty choices or actions for a while. Focus on rebuilding the trust, on getting OM out of your life right now. Get into marriage counseling, with a counselor with a proven track record for healing infidelity. There are some good books..."Surviving an Affair" that might help you both. Work on reconnecting with your H. Since you've both done these things to each other, both of you have a lot to forgive and to work through. But you can do it.
JustJoe Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 Sassy, GOOD JOB!! Now you can work on what went wrong in the marriage and hopefully make it a better place to be. The three things you need to have are patience, complete NC with the OM, and transparency. It will take time for your H to get over his anger, and for you to get over the OM, so you will need patience. In order for you to rebuild your husband's trust in you , you will need to be absolutely transparent for the foreseeable future. NC with the AP, will allow you to have closure, and will direct all of your energies towards the marriage. Good Luck to both of you!!
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