joseygirl Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 Where to begin... I found this site when searching for help in coping with my current emotional state. I have been in a relationship with a MM for 11 months now. I should start by saying I am in the process of getting a divorce as well. When we met we were both married and "content". At least we thought we were content enough to stay in our marriages... but we confided in each other and became close friends. We both were lacking physical intimacy with our partners and well we thought we could help each other out in that area and still stay married. Well.... we were wrong. We fell in love..... very quickly. And both of us, very deeply. Our friendship and intimacy and love became a spotlight on all the flaws of our current marriages. I did not have any children with my spouse and found out that he too was seeking a relationship outside the marriage after 10 years and so I asked him to leave. We split and I have not looked back. At first I wasn't asking him to leave his wife because I knew he was married as I was when we met... but as time passed and our promises to each other deepened I asked him when he was going to leave. He has 2 children 12 and 13.... and he is a good father. He loves those kids... and he doesn't want to hurt them. He initially felt that they would be ready in 24 months. That was 6 months ago. I told him at that time that I wouldn't be able to do this that long and while I understood I would have to move forward. He said he didn't want to lose me and said he could do it in 6. Well long story longer... he has started having conversations with his wife... but he has not told her HE IS LEAVING. He has said he wants to... that their marriage is a fraud... yada yada yada. He knew the timeline and I have been reiterating it but as time passes and I see nothing changing in his home situation I get frustrated. I have told him I can't do this anymore and to find me when he has left her. Yet every time I say this... I break down. He has become my best friend, my confidante, my soulmate, my love. I don't know how to have NC. I don't know how to not talk to him, text him, see him. Please help!
fooled once Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 Where to begin... I found this site when searching for help in coping with my current emotional state. I have been in a relationship with a MM for 11 months now. I should start by saying I am in the process of getting a divorce as well. When we met we were both married and "content". At least we thought we were content enough to stay in our marriages... but we confided in each other and became close friends. We both were lacking physical intimacy with our partners and well we thought we could help each other out in that area and still stay married. Well.... we were wrong. We fell in love..... very quickly. And both of us, very deeply. Our friendship and intimacy and love became a spotlight on all the flaws of our current marriages. I did not have any children with my spouse and found out that he too was seeking a relationship outside the marriage after 10 years and so I asked him to leave. We split and I have not looked back. At first I wasn't asking him to leave his wife because I knew he was married as I was when we met... but as time passed and our promises to each other deepened I asked him when he was going to leave. He has 2 children 12 and 13.... and he is a good father. He loves those kids... and he doesn't want to hurt them. He initially felt that they would be ready in 24 months. That was 6 months ago. I told him at that time that I wouldn't be able to do this that long and while I understood I would have to move forward. He said he didn't want to lose me and said he could do it in 6. Well long story longer... he has started having conversations with his wife... but he has not told her HE IS LEAVING. He has said he wants to... that their marriage is a fraud... yada yada yada. He knew the timeline and I have been reiterating it but as time passes and I see nothing changing in his home situation I get frustrated. I have told him I can't do this anymore and to find me when he has left her. Yet every time I say this... I break down. He has become my best friend, my confidante, my soulmate, my love. I don't know how to have NC. I don't know how to not talk to him, text him, see him. Please help! 24 months to leave? Are you kidding? If he was that unhappy in his marriage, he would end it. He obviously isnt' that unhappy. I have been divorced, with a much younger child (there was no affair in my first marriage). It can be done. Same thing with my husband, he divorced when his youngest was 3. And guess what, he is a great dad to his now adult children. He wasn't having an affair, yet he was unhappy in his marriage. So he divorced. If he really loved you like you believe, he would want to be with you -- NOW..not in 24 months, 6 months, etc. He will most likely always have an excuse why he can't leave now. Heck, there are OW on here who are having affairs with men with grown children...whose excuse for not leaving is because of the kids. Sorry, but to ME, using the kids as an excuse is just that, an excuse. He knows you aren't leaving, no matter how many times you say you are. You have 2 choices - accept that you will always only be the OW and enjoy that OR move on. Own your actions and your words. Quit threatening to leave if you aren't really going to.
Author joseygirl Posted May 28, 2010 Author Posted May 28, 2010 (edited) I agree with you. Which is why I am on here. I believe if he wants to be with me he will. Period. End of story. I do understand that he wants to make sure his children are ok and they are at some rough years... but I have confronted him on this and he says he is going to do it. . I just need help in knowing how to not communicate with him. I can't breathe. I feel like someone is squeezing my heart. And I don't accept that I will always be the OW. He will either choose me or not. I will not accept that fate... but life is not always clear cut and I want to support him and help him through this but not at the expense of my own sanity. We are both dealing with a lot of potential changes that affect a lot of people in a relatively short period of time.... how do I know when to cut the cord completely? Here is the email he wrote to me... just tonight Josey, Well it’s been 24 hours since we officially called it. It has been the worst 24 hours of my life. It was a shocker honey. I didn’t think you would end it so quickly, but I fully understand what you are doing. I promise, I will not be like your soon to be ex-husband and send you countless emails that make no sense, and drag on and on. I do need to tell you how I feel and where I stand after a day to digest what just happened. I also know you well enough babe, that once you close the door, it is locked and bolted. So this may be my only shot. I love you. More than words can write. You are, by far, the most amazing woman I have and will ever meet. I have never loved, or have been loved like this before. It scared the hell out of me in Anchorage that night a year ago, as it scares me to death tonight. How we came into each others lives, and totally transformed our hearts and souls will forever be a mystery to me. I do feel as though I have let you down. Hurting you, destroys me… but Josey girl I do feel I am not done. As I said, my marriage is flat-lined, and I must step out of the shadows and move ahead with my life. I will go forward with hopes of spending those days together with you, dreaming together, laughing, loving. You see, this is all I ever wanted in my life. You have given it all to me. A small taste of what life is really supposed to be. You gave and give me hope. You have given me more in one year than I have ever received in all my adult life. Thank you for that. Thank you so very much. Today I sat (wifes name) down, and unloaded all my emotions and thoughts on her. She cried, finally. As did I, but more so because I have been an emotional mess all day. Just know that I have begun the process again. I will leave it at that, as I do not want to drag you back into this. Just know I have begun again. I will leave her babe, and you will be the first to know. It will be quite the storm, but I will persevere. “You must standup in the storm. You must face the wind, the cold, the darkness. When the storm blows hard you must stand firm, for it is not trying to knock you down, but it is really trying to teach you to be stronger…..” I will breathe these words to myself everyday……until I come to you All my love, and all my light, Edited May 28, 2010 by joseygirl
lilagirl Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 Hi joseygirl. WOW, your situation sounds remarkably like mine. I am sorry you are going through this pain. I am really proud of you for standing your ground and realizing that on most days, your pain outweighs the good of the A. When I left my M, my A changed dramatically. Before leaving, i could have lived in the A and my M forever...but I only loved one man, and couldn`t do that to my H. Suddenly I had timelines I never knew existed, and I felt uncomfortable, jealous of W, and insecure in my A. Before my M ended, I was content in all aspects. Your MM sounds really sweet, and it seems as though he has initiated a process. That is a great step. It will be up to you to decide if you will want to wait his process out with him, or carry on with ur life in the interim. If you haven`t already, do some research on "split self" Affairs. It helped me to gain some understanding of my MM, and where he might be coming from. For my MM, his process is to accamate the idea of a D w his W first. He needs to minimize any pain that she, or any friends and family feel for the end. It is enough to walk out on all the family and friends and societal norms that a M gives them, nevermind leaving the comforts of an A. You said he was content... so most days for him are pretty regular. Good luck. Follow your heart. For me... I am most comfortable staying in the A, while he is working. I have my own timelines, and "milestones" if you will that he needs to reach, or I will walk away, but as long as he is working, I will stay... doesn`t mean i do it without heartache, or bad days, but I stay, as long as progress is being made... in my situation, it is progress towards a decision, not necessarily progress to leave... although... he and I both know that he and W will D eventually, its just a matter of time for them.
Ronni_W Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 but life is not always clear cut and I want to support him and help him through this Josey, Based on what he wrote, it might be that the best way you can support him is to not contact him so that he can do what needs to be done on his end without also experiencing any self-induced pressure to satisfy feelings, needs and desires to be with you. That's your compassionate, selfless reason for not contacting him. Your self-interested reason is that, quite possibly, if you stay in contact with him, he will not be able to maintain this level of commitment to leave. And/or you guys will start getting together again...and things for you two will just end up as before. He also did not ask for your "support" or for you to be in touch with him. I take that as his message that he knows, or senses that it'd be best for him to be on his own to get through this. That is. It seems that, for the time being, he may be needing and/or counting on you to be the strong one for the both of you, and to just be patient and keep the flame burning until he lets you know that he is clear. You CAN maintain 'no contact' because the two of you need that from you right now, and because it is your wise and compassionate thing to do, and because he may be counting on you to do that. It's just temporary. It will be over soon, and your reward is that you two will then be together, permanently and out in the open. Hugs and best of luck.
Author joseygirl Posted May 28, 2010 Author Posted May 28, 2010 Ronni_W ... I think his reason for not asking me for support is he knows that I am hurting with all the waiting and he doesn't want to hurt me anymore. You are right that he did not ask for my support here... and u r also right that he might not be as motivated to get it done quickly while I am in contact. Lilagirl... thank you for your compassion. I will read your posts. Here is is 5am and I have not really slept. My mind is a blur. I will look up the split self info. Sounds like you have been through a lot. I have been reading posts on here all night. For the most part it makes me feel as though we are the same as everyone else. I do believe he loves me very much and i honestly believe that we will be together. maybe I am a fool. I do think though that while he lives in a home with his W, even though they have not slept together in a year, and even though he sleeps on the couch or in the spare bedroom most nights, it is only fair to me to keep my options open and not just sit around waiting and hoping. I think that that levels the playing field as well as he has told me his fear is that I will snatched up in a second.... and that can be a powerful motivator. I just can't seem to really put my heart into anything else right now. I am a mess.
jennie-jennie Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 Josey, going NC when you both are very much in love is very hard. That is what you are experiencing now. You grieve the loss of the other. Only you know if you have the motivation and determination it takes to be NC. You have reached the end of your timeline, and if thus the cons outweigh the pros of your relationship then this is the way to go. The MM's process usually takes a long time and he might not even ever be done, so if you are strong enough you can as well live and enjoy life on your own meanwhile. Is your MM going to individual counseling? Good luck! The time ahead of you being NC is going to be difficult, but it will get better.
jthorne Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 Call me a skeptic, but all I see in his letter are pretty words. Did he say that he has packed his bags and moved out? Did he say he has informed his wife he is filing for divorce? I didn't see those things. I saw more groveling to buy time. His letter was lovely, but of little consequence. I do not believe in the split self. I think at best it is used to coddle a coward who can't make a decision, and to excuse his bad behavior. That being said, in your research, you will probably see that a majority of these so-called "split selfers" do not leave their marriages, and that they leave everyone involved in limbo ad nauseum. It's up to you whether that kind of cowardice is something you want in a lifetime partner. I wish you the best of luck whatever you decide.
bittersweet memories Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 Hi joseygirl. WOW, your situation sounds remarkably like mine. I am sorry you are going through this pain. I am really proud of you for standing your ground and realizing that on most days, your pain outweighs the good of the A. When I left my M, my A changed dramatically. Before leaving, i could have lived in the A and my M forever...but I only loved one man, and couldn`t do that to my H. Suddenly I had timelines I never knew existed, and I felt uncomfortable, jealous of W, and insecure in my A. Before my M ended, I was content in all aspects. Your MM sounds really sweet, and it seems as though he has initiated a process. That is a great step. It will be up to you to decide if you will want to wait his process out with him, or carry on with ur life in the interim. If you haven`t already, do some research on "split self" Affairs. It helped me to gain some understanding of my MM, and where he might be coming from. For my MM, his process is to accamate the idea of a D w his W first. He needs to minimize any pain that she, or any friends and family feel for the end. It is enough to walk out on all the family and friends and societal norms that a M gives them, nevermind leaving the comforts of an A. You said he was content... so most days for him are pretty regular. Good luck. Follow your heart. For me... I am most comfortable staying in the A, while he is working. I have my own timelines, and "milestones" if you will that he needs to reach, or I will walk away, but as long as he is working, I will stay... doesn`t mean i do it without heartache, or bad days, but I stay, as long as progress is being made... in my situation, it is progress towards a decision, not necessarily progress to leave... although... he and I both know that he and W will D eventually, its just a matter of time for them. So basically "all" MM who don't want to leave their wifes/family to be with OW have "split -self"? Seems like most OW here are diagnosing their MM has having split-self. Pretty ridiculous! How about they just don't want to leave their wifes/family for you. Maybe it's not as great being with you as you think. They rather enjoy the cake and eat it. Does diagnosing your MM with split-self make you feel better about the situation? Don't fool yourself... You will be wasting your life waiting. Good Luck to you!
jennie-jennie Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 I do not believe in the split self. I think at best it is used to coddle a coward who can't make a decision, and to excuse his bad behavior. That being said, in your research, you will probably see that a majority of these so-called "split selfers" do not leave their marriages, and that they leave everyone involved in limbo ad nauseum. It's up to you whether that kind of cowardice is something you want in a lifetime partner. I wish you the best of luck whatever you decide. And you read this where? This is what I have read in Emily Brown's book "Patterns of Infidelity and Their Treatment": "Probability of divorce: above average Best outcome: revived marriage or divorce Worst outcome: empty shell marriage or divorce" "With a Split Self Affair the prognosis for the marriage is poor, especially if the marriage has been a long one. The partners know only the other's public self. The original positive feelings toward the partner (which were directed primarily to the public self) have eroded, and years of disappointment have piled up. In a great many cases the spouse sees no need for any sort of therapy, believing as she does that if something is wrong it is her fault, and so denying the existence of any problems. The outlook for the individuals is better, but only if they address the issues underneath the affair. Since Split Selves are usually in their late forties, fifties, and sixties, this is often their last opportunity for resolving personal and relationship issues successfully." It does say that the WS generally needs at least 2 years of individual therapy to solve the underlying issues. So expecting a quick decision concerning the marriage and/or the extramarital relationship when the WS is a split self is not realistic.
jennie-jennie Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 So basically "all" MM who don't want to leave their wifes/family to be with OW have "split -self"? No, there are many other kinds of affairs, as the exit affair, the conflict avoidance affair, the intimacy avoidance affair and the sexual addiction affair. Seems like most OW here are diagnosing their MM has having split-self. Pretty ridiculous! How about they just don't want to leave their wifes/family for you. Maybe it's not as great being with you as you think. They rather enjoy the cake and eat it. The MM who is a split self relies on the wife for a sense of family, and on the other women to be in touch with his emotional self. He needs both, but for different purposes. Does diagnosing your MM with split-self make you feel better about the situation? Don't fool yourself... You will be wasting your life waiting. Good Luck to you! I will tell you what "diagnosing your MM with split-self" does. It stops the struggle within the OW between her heart and her mind. This struggle is very painful. Reading about the split self gives the OW a bridge between her heart and her mind and let them unite in understanding of where she and her MM are at.
Samantha0905 Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 Interesting stuff about the Split Self affair jennie. It sounds plausible to me and yes, I agree -- it would take a couple of years to work through issues. I need to read up on it more as it sounds like me. I do think, however, the email the OP's lover sent made me feel skeptical. My problem with it was he says he's "starting" the process. Has he told his wife about the actual affair and his feelings for another person? The email made me feel like he is still just stringing things along and not making a decision one way or the other. He wants to hold onto some things in his marriage and hold onto his affair partner. Josey, stick to no contact.
bittersweet memories Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 Interesting stuff about the Split Self affair jennie. It sounds plausible to me and yes, I agree -- it would take a couple of years to work through issues. I need to read up on it more as it sounds like me. I do think, however, the email the OP's lover sent made me feel skeptical. My problem with it was he says he's "starting" the process. Has he told his wife about the actual affair and his feelings for another person? The email made me feel like he is still just stringing things along and not making a decision one way or the other. He wants to hold onto some things in his marriage and hold onto his affair partner. Josey, stick to no contact. But he might have "split-self"..so maybe she should be understanding and wait.. and hopefully one of these years he will leave and be with her.
jthorne Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 And you read this where? This is what I have read in Emily Brown's book "Patterns of Infidelity and Their Treatment": "Probability of divorce: above average Best outcome: revived marriage or divorce Worst outcome: empty shell marriage or divorce" "With a Split Self Affair the prognosis for the marriage is poor, especially if the marriage has been a long one. The partners know only the other's public self. The original positive feelings toward the partner (which were directed primarily to the public self) have eroded, and years of disappointment have piled up. In a great many cases the spouse sees no need for any sort of therapy, believing as she does that if something is wrong it is her fault, and so denying the existence of any problems. The outlook for the individuals is better, but only if they address the issues underneath the affair. Since Split Selves are usually in their late forties, fifties, and sixties, this is often their last opportunity for resolving personal and relationship issues successfully." It does say that the WS generally needs at least 2 years of individual therapy to solve the underlying issues. So expecting a quick decision concerning the marriage and/or the extramarital relationship when the WS is a split self is not realistic.For me to buy her statistics, I'd have to buy the split self theory, which I don't. Just look on these boards- how many of these so-called split self MM are taking any concrete steps to resolve their issues, and how many have actually divorced and ended up with the OW? How many are still stringing along their OW? I see it as an excuse for the MM to continue cake-eating and to avoid responsibility for their actions. OW who agree with it use it as justification to be strung along. After all, the "split" would most likely resolve itself if the MM disclosed their A, and let the BS decide their own fate. Yet, they selfishly decide that their spouse should live the lie the WS has created for them. Obviously, we don't agree on the issue.
jennie-jennie Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 But he might have "split-self"..so maybe she should be understanding and wait.. and hopefully one of these years he will leave and be with her. Or... if she realizes that it will take years before he will be able to make any kind of decision, then she might find it easier to end the relationship today.
jwi71 Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 I agree with you. Which is why I am on here. I believe if he wants to be with me he will. Period. End of story. I do understand that he wants to make sure his children are ok and they are at some rough years... but I have confronted him on this and he says he is going to do it. . I just need help in knowing how to not communicate with him. I can't breathe. I feel like someone is squeezing my heart. And I don't accept that I will always be the OW. He will either choose me or not. I will not accept that fate... but life is not always clear cut and I want to support him and help him through this but not at the expense of my own sanity. We are both dealing with a lot of potential changes that affect a lot of people in a relatively short period of time.... how do I know when to cut the cord completely? Here is the email he wrote to me... just tonight Josey, Well it’s been 24 hours since we officially called it. It has been the worst 24 hours of my life. It was a shocker honey. I didn’t think you would end it so quickly, but I fully understand what you are doing. I promise, I will not be like your soon to be ex-husband and send you countless emails that make no sense, and drag on and on. I do need to tell you how I feel and where I stand after a day to digest what just happened. I also know you well enough babe, that once you close the door, it is locked and bolted. So this may be my only shot. I love you. More than words can write. You are, by far, the most amazing woman I have and will ever meet. I have never loved, or have been loved like this before. It scared the hell out of me in Anchorage that night a year ago, as it scares me to death tonight. How we came into each others lives, and totally transformed our hearts and souls will forever be a mystery to me. I do feel as though I have let you down. Hurting you, destroys me… but Josey girl I do feel I am not done. As I said, my marriage is flat-lined, and I must step out of the shadows and move ahead with my life. I will go forward with hopes of spending those days together with you, dreaming together, laughing, loving. You see, this is all I ever wanted in my life. You have given it all to me. A small taste of what life is really supposed to be. You gave and give me hope. You have given me more in one year than I have ever received in all my adult life. Thank you for that. Thank you so very much. Today I sat (wifes name) down, and unloaded all my emotions and thoughts on her. She cried, finally. As did I, but more so because I have been an emotional mess all day. Just know that I have begun the process again. I will leave it at that, as I do not want to drag you back into this. Just know I have begun again. I will leave her babe, and you will be the first to know. It will be quite the storm, but I will persevere. “You must standup in the storm. You must face the wind, the cold, the darkness. When the storm blows hard you must stand firm, for it is not trying to knock you down, but it is really trying to teach you to be stronger…..” I will breathe these words to myself everyday……until I come to you All my love, and all my light, It sounds great and I'm sure it affected you. I'm equally sure he thinks he means it. And maybe he does. The ONLY way you will know is based on VERIFIABLE ACTION. And of that, you have NOTHING. Just more flowery words asking you to wait while he sorts "it all out". Simply based on this, I see nothing that indicates he is doing anything except run his mouth. And talk is cheap. And, one more thing...it doesn't take 2 years to straighten it out. I managed to do it in mere weeks. Its not a question of ability - its a question of desire. Something to consider....
jennie-jennie Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 For me to buy her statistics, I'd have to buy the split self theory, which I don't. Just look on these boards- how many of these so-called split self MM are taking any concrete steps to resolve their issues, and how many have actually divorced and ended up with the OW? How many are still stringing along their OW? I see it as an excuse for the MM to continue cake-eating and to avoid responsibility for their actions. OW who agree with it use it as justification to be strung along. After all, the "split" would most likely resolve itself if the MM disclosed their A, and let the BS decide their own fate. Yet, they selfishly decide that their spouse should live the lie the WS has created for them. Obviously, we don't agree on the issue. No, we certainly don't agree, since I find the split self theory helpful and you blow it off. The split would NOT be resolved by the MM disclosing the affair, since the OW has been an opportunity for him to get back in touch with his emotional self, and if he ends his relationship with her without going to IC and resolving his issues, he will again lose contact with this part of himself. Human beings are complex, and to blow good people off as cake-eaters is to me simplifying the situation. The split self theory is an attempt to explain what is going on on a deeper level. It gives the WS hope in the sense that he can work through his issues in IC and, in fact, that not only his individual issues but his marital issues might be solved too, if the BS as well goes to IC.
jennie-jennie Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 And, one more thing...it doesn't take 2 years to straighten it out. I managed to do it in mere weeks. Its not a question of ability - its a question of desire. Something to consider.... jwi, I believe what you are saying is that you managed to make a decision to divorce in mere weeks, being that you divorced your WS after finding out about her affair? This is again comparing apples and oranges.
Owl Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 No, we certainly don't agree, since I find the split self theory helpful and you blow it off. The split would NOT be resolved by the MM disclosing the affair, since the OW has been an opportunity for him to get back in touch with his emotional self, and if he ends his relationship with her without going to IC and resolving his issues, he will again lose contact with this part of himself. Human beings are complex, and to blow good people off as cake-eaters is to me simplifying the situation. The split self theory is an attempt to explain what is going on on a deeper level. It gives the WS hope in the sense that he can work through his issues in IC and, in fact, that not only his individual issues but his marital issues might be solved too, if the BS as well goes to IC. The split WOULD be resolved by disclosing the affair. Because then he would be forced to make his decision, and take action. He would no longer be able to ride the fence. That's what I don't buy about the "split-self" stuff myself...frankly, it's all "sell good" stuff to make people feel better about not taking action to fix their situations. The only people who buy into it are those that can use it to rationalize their actions to themselves. If the affair were disclosed, he would no longer be able to postpone making a decision...the "split" would be resolved, rather than prolonged. He'd be forced to choose...to make a decision and take action to heal that "split". One way or another. Human beings are NOT that complex. We fool ourselves into thinking that we are...but at the end of the day, we all work under the same basic motivations as pretty much any other critter on the planet. And our emotions and feelings are simply extensions of those motivations. Again...we like to give ourselves the 'excuse' and think that we're complex...it's a way for us to allow our rational minds to make friends with our irrational actions and choices. 1
Owl Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 And I thought I'd add...disclosure also has the added benefit of removing the WS's focus on "ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME" to dealing with the ramifications to EVERYONE impacted by their actions/decisions. The OW/OM, the BS, the children, etc...
Author joseygirl Posted May 28, 2010 Author Posted May 28, 2010 To Samantha - "I do think, however, the email the OP's lover sent made me feel skeptical. My problem with it was he says he's "starting" the process. Has he told his wife about the actual affair and his feelings for another person? The email made me feel like he is still just stringing things along and not making a decision one way or the other. He wants to hold onto some things in his marriage and hold onto his affair partner." He is not going to tell her about the affair unless she asks. There are enough marital problems in the history of the 17 years that he can site as reasons for the divorce. And someone earlier said that "24 months to leave" siting kids for the reason is ridiculous... his kids were 11 and 12. They are very impressionable years and this was before I was officially seperated and in the process of my divorce as well. So he was saying 1.5 years til his divorce would be behind him.... is that sooo crazy for a 17 year marriage and 2 kids?? I ask myself how I would feel if I was his wife and children. Is he supposed to just slam the door on them and walk out.... and by the way... I was married as well. I just happened to be able to exit faster and easier because there were no kids. So it has really been 6 months that we have been together and he has beenwith me as the "OW" presssuring him to address their issues. She is completely non confrontational and doesn't communicate about anything so each conversation to be had is up to him. He is constantly having to start the dialogue... and it has heightened to where he has told her he plans to leave and he is going to tell the children once school dismisses June 9th. The reason he says "start again" is because we have spent more time together this month than apart. He has rarely been home... and when he is he is mainly with the kids. They have not had a real discussion about it in a month... which was why I became fed up. They were supposed to talk on Tuesday because after a mothers days argument she left and took the kids knowing he had to leave for a week because she was angry that he said he wanted a divorce. She called to apologize and said they needed to talk.... and when he addressed and said what do you want to talk about on Tuesday she said "I really don't feel like discussing this now" and went to bed. I have told him.... in fairness to me.... I am going to start dating. I will not sit around weekend nights and wait for him to call or text or IM me anymore. I want to keep living even when we are apart. When we are together it is amazing... but I want more. Isn't that life. I want him... and he knows it... but I am not foolish enough to believe I can't find someone else. Its just I love him... and I want him. Jennie Jennie; Thanks for your input.... this has given me lots of food for thought... and lots of reading to do. Actually the split theory... does make some sense. I don't think you should allow it to dissuade your intuition and instincts from honing in on the truth but there is merit in reasons why anyone has an affair. And I see many similarities in his role and his wifes non confrontational role in the text
NoIDidn't Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 Josey, I read the letter and didn't come away with anything "sweet" or "honest" or "compassionate" towards you. When my H was cheating with his co-worker, we had a conversation too. And, we both cried too. And no where in it did he say "I want a divorce", or did he give any implication that he was making any moves to leave. What he did say was that our R as it stood was no working for him, and I agreed and that we needed to fix it. The tears were from not knowing where to start, and sadness over what we allowed to set in what was once a great R/M. I'm not saying that your MM and his W had the same or even a similar conversation. I'm just warning against assuming that it was the conversation that he implied he had. My H implied the same things to his co-worker. And when D-day hit, he was not prepared to do what she thought because she was freaking out over her live-in BF and what he was going to do if my H showed up at her house. My point - things are not always what they seem.
jennie-jennie Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 The split WOULD be resolved by disclosing the affair. Because then he would be forced to make his decision, and take action. He would no longer be able to ride the fence. That's what I don't buy about the "split-self" stuff myself...frankly, it's all "sell good" stuff to make people feel better about not taking action to fix their situations. The only people who buy into it are those that can use it to rationalize their actions to themselves. If the affair were disclosed, he would no longer be able to postpone making a decision...the "split" would be resolved, rather than prolonged. He'd be forced to choose...to make a decision and take action to heal that "split". One way or another. Human beings are NOT that complex. We fool ourselves into thinking that we are...but at the end of the day, we all work under the same basic motivations as pretty much any other critter on the planet. And our emotions and feelings are simply extensions of those motivations. Again...we like to give ourselves the 'excuse' and think that we're complex...it's a way for us to allow our rational minds to make friends with our irrational actions and choices. Disclosure of the affair would (if the affair is in fact discontinued and not just better hidden from then on) lead to the outer split between two women being solved. The inner split between "doing the right thing" and the emotional self would still remain.
jennie-jennie Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 I have told him.... in fairness to me.... I am going to start dating. I will not sit around weekend nights and wait for him to call or text or IM me anymore. I want to keep living even when we are apart. When we are together it is amazing... but I want more. Isn't that life. I want him... and he knows it... but I am not foolish enough to believe I can't find someone else. Its just I love him... and I want him. I like this approach. :bunny:
2sunny Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 I believe if he wants to be with me he will. nope. IF he intended to be with you he would have. past tense. this hasn't happened - so his actions (or lack of) show you clearly - that he intends to stay with his W. wake up! he's not leaving her. why would he? he's got everything he needs and wants! YOU make it easy for him to stay married AND to be cheating. he's got everything he needs... is this enough for YOU? IF it's NOT - YOU need to get out!!! now!!!!!
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