123BeachFan Posted May 29, 2010 Posted May 29, 2010 (edited) Think back to when the dynamic first started. How you viewed relationships, men and sex. How did you feel? What, if anything, has changed? Try this with the next interesting guy who approaches you...... expect him to ask you out on a date. If you enjoy the date, express that to him, non-sexually. Rinse and repeat for one month without having sex. If he doesn't want to *date* you, he doesn't get to enjoy your valuable company. If you do this, and I recommend, if you are not meeting men whom interest you, to next them and date others who do, you will change your mindset and will begin to attract a different kind of man. Try it This is good advice. Date without sex for a month. If he's still interested, then he's not looking to you for a short term fix. And OP, don't think it's just your luck that you're finding guys who are wanting FWB. It's a great majority of men out there who'll take it if they can get it. Consider it your job of weeding out these guys, and finding someone who is worthy of your affections. Edited May 29, 2010 by 123BeachFan
ADF Posted May 29, 2010 Posted May 29, 2010 Explain this PLEASE. I personally was in a FWB situation where the guy wanted more... Why do you say a guy won't want more? What if the FWB decides to end it if it doesn't get serious? What if the guy actually really likes her? Yes, yes, yes. THERE ARE EXCEPTIONS. I try to remember to write that in big, bold letters at the end of every post I make. Otherwise, every thread gets bogged down in people pointing out isolated, insignificant exceptions to every general statement. I forgot this time. Yes, sometimes the man is the one who wants more. But it happens the other way around FAR more often.
MrNate Posted May 29, 2010 Posted May 29, 2010 Explain this PLEASE. I personally was in a FWB situation where the guy wanted more, I ALSO have had a guy leave his current FWB situation to be in a serious relationship with me. That was confusing for me because his FWB was really attractive and she seemed nice. I also had sex with a friend ONCE who was upset when I didn't want to be serious with him and then I had a boyfriend a month later. Why do you say a guy won't want more? What if the FWB decides to end it if it doesn't get serious? What if the guy actually really likes her? First, I have no problem believing that the situation adf described doesn't happen all the time. I would also have to agree, however, that a relationship is hard work. I could definitely see why a young guy would embrace the idea of a FWB very quickly. He gets to have sex and get all the other perks with a woman, without the exclusivity. That means he doesn't have to spend money on dates, call the woman occasionally, be there emotionally, etc. Why are you surprised about him leaving his FWB because she seemed nice to be with you? It takes more than being nice and attractive to keep a guy interested..even physically. To put it simple, have you considered, all these guys simply liked you early on, even before you became FWB? So if this is the case, it makes perfect sense why they would want more than just sex..even if that's all they were getting.
shadowplay Posted May 29, 2010 Posted May 29, 2010 Look forward to lots more 2am calls about whatever dream he just woke up from. Did that not strike you as completely disrespectful? By entertaining a stupid call like that at such an unearthly hour, you're giving him the message that you're on tap for the most trivial of purposes at any hour of the day or night. Is it wrong that this made me laugh? Maybe the OP could use some humor to detach herself from the situation and see what an idiot this guy is.
shadowplay Posted May 29, 2010 Posted May 29, 2010 (edited) OP, I can relate to a lot of what you've written, especially your need to disentangle the intentions of confused guys. Understand that solving the puzzle isn't going to make him give you what you need. Really, and with about 100% accuracy, when a guy sends you mixed messages that means he most likely will never want to be with you in the way you need. It's remarkable how consistent guys are in this way. There's something bizarrely stubborn about the male brain, but it's like when they decide they don't want a girl in that way, they almost never reconsider. Women seem to be somewhat more malleable. They'll sometimes give a guy a chance whom they initially wrote off. As women, we often assume men think like us, and hope when the fog of confusion clears the guy will come around. But this doesn't happen for the most part. Either the fog never clears or it does to the tune of somebody else. I hate to say it, but I think it has to do with men being naturally more superficial on average in their emotional understanding of the world. I don't mean superficial in the sense of only being interested in the physical, but in the sense that they're rarely willing to challenge their erroneous beliefs about women. Once they put you in a certain box, you're not coming out. Or maybe "simple" is a better word. This is the same emotional simplicity that allows them to compartmentalize and not get bogged down by emotions, but it also has its drawbacks. Women are more socially nuanced creatures. And this isn't to say that men can't have great depth in other realms, because they most certainly can and do. But it's rare to meet a guy with the emotional depth of a woman. A few do exist (I have one male friend like this), but most operate under the rules I described above. I've often heard the claim that men always make their intentions clear. That's not entirely true. Men are just as guilty as women of sending mixed messages, but they do make their intentions clear once you translate their man code. You discount anything from them but consistent signs of interest. It's very common for a guy to seem outwardly confused, but deep down his mind is set. Sometimes the confusion is just a way of manipulating the girl into getting hooked so he can have his needs met (ego, sex, whatever). Don't get reeled in. He's not going to come around, I promise. Move on to somebody who isn't confused and never makes you doubt his interest. Stop feeding this worm's ego. Edited May 29, 2010 by shadowplay
tkgirl Posted May 29, 2010 Posted May 29, 2010 news flash! almost all men would prefer a FWB over a relationship any day! for us women, eh... not so much! I swear, every time I see something about FWBs I cringe... to me they are a bunch of BS! I have learned over the years that YOU have to set your own boundaries when it comes to dating/relationships.. guys will almost always try to get you in the sack as soon as they think they can. You have to decide when the time is right for you and if you think you can trust this guy with your heart. If your gut tells you this guy may not be right for you for one reason or another, listen to it! Life is too short to put up with BS.. i.e. FWB!
shadowplay Posted May 29, 2010 Posted May 29, 2010 news flash! almost all men would prefer a FWB over a relationship any day! for us women, eh... not so much! I swear, every time I see something about FWBs I cringe... to me they are a bunch of BS! I have learned over the years that YOU have to set your own boundaries when it comes to dating/relationships.. guys will almost always try to get you in the sack as soon as they think they can. You have to decide when the time is right for you and if you think you can trust this guy with your heart. If your gut tells you this guy may not be right for you for one reason or another, listen to it! Life is too short to put up with BS.. i.e. FWB! Yeah, and a lot of men think they want a relationship but can't deal with the reality of one once they get in.
TouchedByViolet Posted May 29, 2010 Posted May 29, 2010 news flash! almost all men would prefer a FWB over a relationship any day! for us women, eh... not so much! I swear, every time I see something about FWBs I cringe... to me they are a bunch of BS! I have learned over the years that YOU have to set your own boundaries when it comes to dating/relationships.. guys will almost always try to get you in the sack as soon as they think they can. You have to decide when the time is right for you and if you think you can trust this guy with your heart. If your gut tells you this guy may not be right for you for one reason or another, listen to it! Life is too short to put up with BS.. i.e. FWB! Most men do NOT prefer a FWB situation over a relationship. Maybe if you didn't go for the bad type of guys you would notice this. There are plenty of guys out their looking for a serious relationship. Either way, relationships are about setting your own boundaries and sticking to them. A worthy guy will respect you for that.
tkgirl Posted May 29, 2010 Posted May 29, 2010 Most men do NOT prefer a FWB situation over a relationship. Maybe if you didn't go for the bad type of guys you would notice this. There are plenty of guys out their looking for a serious relationship. Either way, relationships are about setting your own boundaries and sticking to them. A worthy guy will respect you for that. uh... really? you mean most guys do not want no strings sex and maybe even like commitment? where do you live? cuz I'm moving there...
sagetalk Posted May 29, 2010 Posted May 29, 2010 uh... really? you mean most guys do not want no strings sex and maybe even like commitment? where do you live? cuz I'm moving there... I'm the same way, only a jerk would FWB a girl that wanted a relationship with him and I think it's very disrespectful. Of course, girls let them get away with it so why should they stop? Ethics, ha! Oh, if only there were more people that actually knew what that word even meant.
tkgirl Posted May 29, 2010 Posted May 29, 2010 I'm the same way, only a jerk would FWB a girl that wanted a relationship with him and I think it's very disrespectful. Of course, girls let them get away with it so why should they stop? Ethics, ha! Oh, if only there were more people that actually knew what that word even meant. so true! I "found" myself in one supposed FWB situation and kept telling myself I was ok with it. This guy was hot hot HOT and the sex was pretty good too... but he was also a jerk so I convinced myself I wouldn't want him for a boyfriend anyways... which I guess I really didn't but I still felt like I was selling myself short. And I wasted a lot of time waiting for things (him) to change meanwhile all these other (and better) prospects where probably passing me by. I swore after that finally ended that I would never "settle" for another FWB situation again... and I haven't. and I do realize there are a lot of decent guys out there still that would not do that to a girl they respected... and I also learned that it's up to us (women) to respect ourselves first in order to be with one of them...
tkgirl Posted May 29, 2010 Posted May 29, 2010 Yeah, and a lot of men think they want a relationship but can't deal with the reality of one once they get in. yep, that's what I meant about guys prefering FWB situations... things don't get too complicated for them and they can also still have their precious freedom!
skydiveaddict Posted May 29, 2010 Posted May 29, 2010 news flash! almost all men would prefer a FWB over a relationship any day! for us women, eh... not so much! I swear, every time I see something about FWBs I cringe... to me they are a bunch of BS! I have learned over the years that YOU have to set your own boundaries when it comes to dating/relationships.. guys will almost always try to get you in the sack as soon as they think they can. You have to decide when the time is right for you and if you think you can trust this guy with your heart. If your gut tells you this guy may not be right for you for one reason or another, listen to it! Life is too short to put up with BS.. i.e. FWB! Not true for me . I like relationships. But I agree w/you . The whole FWB thing is a load of crap
tkgirl Posted May 29, 2010 Posted May 29, 2010 Not true for me . I like relationships. But I agree w/you . The whole FWB thing is a load of crap yep, I've always thought FWBs were some sort of urban legend or something... I have yet to hear of one that was mutually satisfying and ended on a good note with no hard feelings... and it was refreshing to read that you like relationships... not a lot of guys will admit that
CandyGirlXO Posted May 29, 2010 Posted May 29, 2010 (edited) Just wanted to add that most females can relate to this. Especially young guys prefer and look for a FWB situation. I have done it once, I was recently heartbroken and was not ready for a serious relationship so it worked out nicely. I didn't feel used I didn't want more. But eventually you will find guys who are interested in a relationship. Sorta hard to find in college. I've had a lot of guys trying to just hookup when I was in college. When I finally met a guy I was interested in I made sure to wait at least 1-3 months before I had sex with them AFTER we made it official we were a couple and exclusive. So I know it sucks now but guys eventually will want more. My BF and I now didn't wait 1-3 months to sleep together but we are both older, more experienced and we made it clear from the start we wanted a relationship. My advice is to keep doing what you are doing. Never sleep with someone right away that you want a serious relationship with. Don't worry! Your time will come. Edited May 29, 2010 by CandyGirlXO
TouchedByViolet Posted May 29, 2010 Posted May 29, 2010 (edited) uh... really? you mean most guys do not want no strings sex and maybe even like commitment? where do you live? cuz I'm moving there... Virginia is for lovers Edited May 29, 2010 by TouchedByViolet
MrNate Posted May 30, 2010 Posted May 30, 2010 yep, I've always thought FWBs were some sort of urban legend or something... I have yet to hear of one that was mutually satisfying and ended on a good note with no hard feelings... and it was refreshing to read that you like relationships... not a lot of guys will admit that I do.
brainygirl Posted May 30, 2010 Posted May 30, 2010 I've done the FWB thing, but its not my ideal and it isn't as fullfilling as a real relationship. Its more like masturbation with a very life-like toy. There isn't much emotional support you derive from the arrangement. If you don't want that sort of relationship, don't settle for it.
ADF Posted May 30, 2010 Posted May 30, 2010 news flash! almost all men would prefer a FWB over a relationship any day! for us women, eh... not so much! I swear, every time I see something about FWBs I cringe... to me they are a bunch of BS! I have learned over the years that YOU have to set your own boundaries when it comes to dating/relationships.. guys will almost always try to get you in the sack as soon as they think they can. You have to decide when the time is right for you and if you think you can trust this guy with your heart. If your gut tells you this guy may not be right for you for one reason or another, listen to it! Life is too short to put up with BS.. i.e. FWB! Now THAT is wisdom. Good for you.
Author guarded Posted May 31, 2010 Author Posted May 31, 2010 I can totally understand you wanting to be a good friend. However, this one seems to playing games with you; he's not your friend, and it won't serve you well to kid yourself otherwise. You'll only get sucked into his drama. Though, I get the impression that you'd rather be sucked into his drama than not have him in your life. Would that be a fair comment? lol. Hard to admit but as dumb as it sounds I do want him around, for reasons im not so sure of. I hate the drama that comes with it, from where I stand things don’t need to be so weird and complicated. He maybe perceives you as having been in a position of power over him in the past, because he had a crush on you...and that could have been enough to build up a grudge. It was sooo long ago though Although it makes some sense, when he found out I moved out of home and got engaged he sent me a msg saying that I really shouldn’t be doing this to myself and disrespect my family etc. Although it was surprising I thought he was just being an overly concerned friend. So I guess I must’ve meant something to him at one point. I know feelings change but something tells me that there’s something there. As I mentioned before, he’s the one who initiates the contact. After that talk we had where he said we should maybe go our separate ways because it was just too complicated given our history, he ended up sending me a really random msg about 3 weeks later asking if I was still awake. And when I messaged back he was just like “yeah I was just after your bros number. How have u been anyway?” (weird because they’re friends, have mutual friends and work literally 5mins from each other--- as if he didn’t have it already). Anyway I figured I really shouldn’t read into it so I just sent him my bros #, said take care and left no room for any conversation. And that was that. Stupid me decided to pass by where he works with a guy friend, thought hat if I rocked up looking good it would trigger some kind of response. When I got there I said hey and he looked so stunned and well frozen! He made small talk, cracked a joke and I gave him a hug goodbye on my way out. He hugged back. But a week passed and I didn’t hear from him. So I called as a friend does just to chat and well he genuinely sounded happy to hear from me but as always he goes weird and touchy and sends me a msg about an hr later saying sorry for being a dick but he wanted to leave things alone. I havn’t heard from him since =( Are you certain that you really like him, or is it more a case of trying to solve a puzzle? I really don’t know what it is…. I try so hard to let it go and not think about him and convince myself that its just not worth it but as hard as I try he’s always on my mind! Its so frustrating! As shallow as this sounds there’s just no denying that he’s HOT. We’re still both attracted to each other… at least that’s something he could admit to. Argghhh I really don’t know though, I just want to know what’s going on, where I stand and how he truly feels, I hate being kept in the dark so to speak. I feel like I wont be able to move on until we get the chance to sit and talk it out. Is it wrong that this made me laugh? Maybe the OP could use some humor to detach herself from the situation and see what an idiot this guy is. I gotta say it made me laugh too. Thought Taramare was spot on. Lol when a guy sends you mixed messages that means he most likely will never want to be with you in the way you need. Even if its as simple as being friends? There's something bizarrely stubborn about the male brain, but it's like when they decide they don't want a girl in that way, they almost never reconsider......It's very common for a guy to seem outwardly confused, but deep down his mind is set…..He's not going to come around, I promise. This guy seems so confused that I don’t think he knows what he wants himself. I feel like sometimes he wants me then sometimes he doesn’t.. its frustrating! But I really don’t get what he needs to think about half the time. Thing is he says he doesn’t see me as a relationship but as a friend…but even being friends seems to be too hard. So if you’re right… I shouldn’t hold my breath cos he probably won’t come around?? Just wanted to add that most females can relate to this. Especially young guys prefer and look for a FWB situation. I have done it once I guess FWB could work out if you’re both on the same page. I have to admit I’ve done it too, in fact it was with the guy I lost it to. But I went into that with feelings, going along with it thinking it would eventually lead to a relationship. I cant say I regret cos clearly at the time it was what I wanted but I certainly learnt from my mistakes. Lol. My advice is to keep doing what you are doing. Never sleep with someone right away that you want a serious relationship with. Don't worry! Your time will come. Thanks CandyGirlXO
Author guarded Posted August 10, 2010 Author Posted August 10, 2010 OMG guys i caved in..... we did it....well kind of but i dont know if you could even say that?.. he invited me over his place and as soon as i got there he just kissed me.. he was so nervous and stiff and well all over the place. everything was such a rush cos he was off to work in less than an hr...(he was meant to work earlier but called to change his shift time) long story short he went down on me and i tried to return the favor and as soon as i bobbed my head down twice he stopped me and said he didnt wanna come so fast.. so we swapped positions and he put it in and he made one thrust (ok maybe two) and pulled out and rushed to the bathroom....he came back and went down on me again and when i tried to move him so we could try again he said he couldnt and wanted to just stick with oral...(wtf?- so would u guys even say we did it?) i asked him what was wrong and he said he was just so confused and because of his situation he just couldnt go through with it.. (i found out that his ex and him were trying to work things out but he didnt know what was happening there) so i left it as that and said we shouldnt even try and got dressed... i asked if it was me and he mustered up the courage to admit that he actually came too fast. when we got to talking he said he was so sorry and that he was just so confused about his ex and me... i got teary (i felt like an idiot for letting it happen)and i said you can be honest i know its me (i felt kinda insecure and thought that maybe he didnt like what he was seeing)..he hugged me, looked me in the eye and said it wasnt and 'im being honest...you are so beautiful' i had the biggest crush on you when i was 17....i said i was sorry and i pretty much buried my head on his chest tearing up... he asked what was wrong and that there's gotta be something more and i just said its nothing dont worry... so i said my goodbyes, hugged him and i said ill miss him and told him to keep in touch (he's moving to another state) walked off and didnt look back. about 10 mins later he sends me a msg saying: im so sorry, im so f***ed up. we are still friends yeah? it took me awhile to reply so he sends another "are we ok?" i said ofcourse we are, no awkwardness, we'll pretend it never happened. goodluck, tc and keep in touch... he replies and says im sorry again, goodluck with everything too, speak to u sometime..tc ok so what do u guys think of my situation? - i found out today that he has actually been with his ex for 2 years but its been on and off and that when they're on a break he runs to me (he actually lied to me cos at the beginning he said he was single) - he told me that ive been a fantasy... and we've talked about it and i feel like he was just all talk and couldnt perform- - i felt like we had a moment... i know noone else would know how he feels but can anyone maybe decipher all this?
sultry33 Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 wow what an @ss sorry that would leave a bad taste in my mouth.. cannot believe he actually talked about his ex.. moving states and all that then texts you saying we still friends yeah.. wtf you need to clear your head from him he so is no worth it;)
mr.dream merchant Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 As a guy I can say that a FWB Relationship is preferred more so over a relationship for the simple fact that I don't have to put much into the relationship at all. But I do enjoy serious relationships more, they have more meaning to them. A FWB, she could be screwing lord knows who else, so the aspect of a health hazard comes into mind. With a nice GF, she's aaaaaalll yours. With me is just phases, sometimes I have enough spare time and cash to actually want to settle down with a nice girl. Other more stressful times, usually during the semester..I just want to get my rocks off and throw up the deuces.
O'Malley Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 - i found out today that he has actually been with his ex for 2 years but its been on and off and that when they're on a break he runs to me (he actually lied to me cos at the beginning he said he was single) - he told me that ive been a fantasy... and we've talked about it and i feel like he was just all talk and couldnt perform- - i felt like we had a moment... i know noone else would know how he feels but can anyone maybe decipher all this? 1. As other posters have stated, he's adept at lies and game playing. He seems to view you as 'filler' material when he isn't focused on his ex. 2. Blather. Reality is that he perceives you as a convenient option. 3. You provide him with attention and sex, despite his rudeness and dramatics, and you seemed fine with: im so sorry, im so f***ed up. we are still friends yeah? Which a guy wouldn't say unless he viewed you as an option or a mistake. Someone genuinely romantically interested in you would never act this way. Enforce sexual and friendship boundaries -- the dynamic between you is not a healthy friendship. Don't allow yourself to be an option.
xpaperxcutx Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 Lesson learned. Even in the heat of the moment, you still have the option of saying no. Guarded, you are level headed but emotions always get the best of us. Don't ever succumb to the need to indulge in something you're against. FWB is not for everyone, and it's even worse if you get suckered into doing it with someone who's not over their ex. I'd been there. I slept with a guy who had another FWB at the time ( he only told me after I slept with him). His actions were careless and selfish, and he could have put me at the risk for STDs ( we almost did it without a condom). I put an end to things, and I refused to remain friends with guys who are dishonest as he was. Oh, and it's not a curse that you attract so many douchebags. Guys nowadays prefer NSA/ FWB over a real relationship.
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