guarded Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 i feel like im always the 'friend with benefits' but never the girl a guy wants to be in a relationship with.. is this a reflection on me? what am i doing wrong? is it a vibe i give off?
Ruby Slippers Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 Well, maybe. Is FWB what you really want, or is that the best you think you can do? You teach people how to treat you.
Kamille Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 How did these FWB relationships come about? Knowing more about that would probably help identify why this keeps happening to you.
TouchedByViolet Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 I understand your frustration. Feeling reduced to FWB can be very troubling and crushing for the self-esteem. The best thing you can do is let the guys know you are looking for a relationship and not just a fling.
DustySaltus Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 Set boundaries right away. It will help you to weed out the flakes.
Krytie TV Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 It's likely because you put out too easily and quickly.
RedRussian Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 And in addition to too quickly the quality must of been lacking as well.
carhill Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 is this a reflection on me? what am i doing wrong? is it a vibe i give off? Think back to when the dynamic first started. How you viewed relationships, men and sex. How did you feel? What, if anything, has changed? Try this with the next interesting guy who approaches you...... expect him to ask you out on a date. If you enjoy the date, express that to him, non-sexually. Rinse and repeat for one month without having sex. If he doesn't want to *date* you, he doesn't get to enjoy your valuable company. If you do this, and I recommend, if you are not meeting men whom interest you, to next them and date others who do, you will change your mindset and will begin to attract a different kind of man. Try it
Author guarded Posted May 28, 2010 Author Posted May 28, 2010 the thing is i dont actually put out.... i can't seem to bring myself to just have sex with any guy that comes along. i guess i worded it wrong... i get asked out but when nothing comes of it these men just seem to opt for FWB as an alternative? it just baffles me... and it hurts when a guy does tell you that he doesnt see you as a relationship but yet they're so ready to jump into bed with you. I dont think im easy so why?...
Kamille Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 the thing is i dont actually put out.... i can't seem to bring myself to just have sex with any guy that comes along. i guess i worded it wrong... i get asked out but when nothing comes of it these men just seem to opt for FWB as an alternative? it just baffles me... and it hurts when a guy does tell you that he doesnt see you as a relationship but yet they're so ready to jump into bed with you. I dont think im easy so why?... So basically, you go out on a few dates with these guys, you're into them but they distance themselves and then tell you they only want something casual? I still feel like I need more information to figure out what's going on: 1) How old are you? 2) Where are you meeting these guys - and how old are they? 3) How long do you "date" these guys before they ask for a FWB? 4) Are you interested in these guys and, if so, how do you let them know you're into them?
shazam Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 Hi guarded, I have the same experience. I meet and date a lot of men who seem interested in long term initially, but when pressed admit they just want casual rather than a relationship....this is usually revealed when they seem eager to get physical quickly, prompting me to ask about their intentions. My theory is they want a relationship, just not with me. Im thin and pretty, but Im also a single mother. So they want to have fun with me, but without any commitment or expectation. Yeah, I never put out either. Its very discouraging to have had multiple guys try to attain their goals without considering my feelings, I cant help but become more and more jaded by these type of men.
sagetalk Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 No, you're being friendzoned like inexperienced guys get. Girls friendzone guys to use them as an ego boost. Guys friendzone girls by having sex with them, but saying you're not in a relationship with them. You're being used and used bad. Stop being friendzoned, when you see it happen cut off communications you're done with them.
TaurusTerp Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 It's likely because you put out too easily and quickly. IMO, this is bad advice. A girl that doesnt put out doesn't lead me to want a relationship with her. Perhaps having sex too early is leading you to FWB status, but doing the complete opposite will not help. Perhaps you are simply attracted to emotionally unavailable men - I suggest you set boundaries and expectations early on so you get what you want.
TheBigQuestion Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 Despite risking like sounding like a major a-hole, I'll give a dude's side of this sort of situation. It's important to point that I am extremely picky almost to the point of self sabotage, that this extends to both physical and personal characteristics, and that I'm perfectly aware that my own appearance (fairly good looking at best) and station in life (unemployed but soon-to-be law student) warrants that I not be as picky as I am. I'm also 23, so with these facts in mind, I'm certainly not representative of MOST guys. In the past, the girls that I've had FWB type relationships with, with some exceptions, all happened that way because that's more or less where I steered the relationship due to them not meeting certain criteria. The girls that I've only hooked up with a few times for sexual purposes either did not have a whole lot going on upstairs and were too preoccupied with shopping, Sex and the City, "clubbin'," and/or I simply didn't find them too attractive but was not getting any sex at the time and took what I could get. If it helps, I was up front about my desire to not enter a relationship on two occasions (each "occasion" is a different girl), only mentioned it after the fact on a third occasion, and on another occasion the girl slept with me within hours of meeting me, was convinced we were dating because of that, and proceeded to literally not leave me alone for two weeks after. In every case, whenever our status came up, I never tried to be misleading or to try and force the situation to continue any further. Basically, I have a physical type, and a personality type. If a girl is interested in hooking up with me to any degree but possesses only one or neither, I won't necessarily turn them way for the simple fact that I have urges and, being as lazy as I am, it's amazing that any woman shows interest at all. In the one recent (alright, it was a year ago now) situation where I put in effort and tried to get into a relationship with a girl that had both the physical and personality type that I liked, it worked for a while and she ended up screwing me over big time. Oh well. You simply might not be the relationship type to certain guys. The good news for you is that most of these girls found someone they were compatible with in the past or future.
Taramere Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 it hurts when a guy does tell you that he doesnt see you as a relationship but yet they're so ready to jump into bed with you. I dont think im easy so why?... You shouldn't take this personally and be down on yourself. They're just trying their luck. All you need to do is laugh and say "I don't think so, but nice try."
sagetalk Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 You shouldn't take this personally and be down on yourself. They're just trying their luck. All you need to do is laugh and say "I don't think so, but nice try." Excellent advice.
A O Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 i get asked out but when nothing comes of it these men just seem to opt for FWB as an alternative? it just baffles me... and it hurts when a guy does tell you that he doesnt see you as a relationship but yet they're so ready to jump into bed with you. I dont think im easy so why?... Because in the absence of any type of boundary - guys will try their luck. You shouldn't take this personally and be down on yourself. They're just trying their luck. All you need to do is laugh and say "I don't think so, but nice try." Indeed - it really is this simple. If you know what you want or don't want then say as much, preferably the earlier the better. .
Author guarded Posted May 29, 2010 Author Posted May 29, 2010 So basically, you go out on a few dates with these guys, you're into them but they distance themselves and then tell you they only want something casual? I still feel like I need more information to figure out what's going on: 1) How old are you? 2) Where are you meeting these guys - and how old are they? 3) How long do you "date" these guys before they ask for a FWB? 4) Are you interested in these guys and, if so, how do you let them know you're into them? Im 24. Some of these guys i met at uni and some i met at work, i work in retail at a man's clothing store so i get picked up here and there. The FWB thing usually happens after we become friends and then they make the move. I've been told that my friendliness towards men is usually taken the wrong way... its not my intention to lead anyone on and i dont believe i do, i think im honestly just a friendly but 'touchy' girl. The one guy that i am interested in now told me that he doesnt see me as a relationship but as a friend. This guy happens to be an old friend from years back.. he used to have a thing for me back then and admitted that he fell for me all those years ago but things fell apart because i ended up in relationship with someone else. When he asked me out back then i said no and then a few weeks later he brought up the possibility of being FWB, ofcourse an option i never entertained (because he's 3 years younger than me). As things turned out we ended up getting back in touch after 4 years, after all these years the attraction is still there and in fact he said that he wanted me more than he did back then. Things were going well but he just went weird one day and he said he was confused and really needed sometime to sort himself out. After about 2 weeks of not talking we had a talk and he said that he likes me but as a friend, that he wasnt ready for a relationship but if i was up for it we could be friends that have fun together.... Nothing came of that because only about 3weeks later he apparently started seeing someone, so i left it alone and thought that was that. About a month later he calls me at like 2am to say that he wasnt seeing anyone anymore and that he had me on his mind and that he woke up to a dream about me.... when we talked he said that he still holds on to that fantasy from all those years ago, thinks about me more than he should be and saw me as 'forbidden love'... now im confused. I don't know how to take it, i mean does he like me or is it just about the sex? He's been such a dick but for some reason ive fallen for him! weird i know. I just feel like its all about the physical and i want him to want me more than just sexually. Now there's this guy friend i have (met at uni- he's 25) he used to like me that way once upon a time... went to him for advice about the problem i have with the guy above and he just snapped and said he couldnt give me advise after i broke his heart all those years back. (great friend he was) so i decided i didnt need more problems so i didnt contact him at all and ignored him really... then he sends me an email about a week later saying he was sorry for being a dick and that i should just get over that guy i told him about and that it was his loss for not wanting to get with a woman like me.. then he ends the email saying 'you're looking sexy as ever we should **** while were both unattached'.......seriously??! i dont know i cant help but feel that im just not good enough for the first guy i mentioned (the one that i like now). I can give so much and i think id make a great GF but why cant he see that and see beyond sex?
Taramere Posted May 29, 2010 Posted May 29, 2010 i dont know i cant help but feel that im just not good enough for the first guy i mentioned (the one that i like now). I can give so much and i think id make a great GF but why cant he see that and see beyond sex? He sounds like hostility and confusion, wrapped up in a big package of drama. If that excites you, then go for it and let this guy vent his issues about past unrequited love for you by dragging you into a situation that's going to encourage you to feel worthless. Look forward to lots more 2am calls about whatever dream he just woke up from. Did that not strike you as completely disrespectful? By entertaining a stupid call like that at such an unearthly hour, you're giving him the message that you're on tap for the most trivial of purposes at any hour of the day or night.
Kamille Posted May 29, 2010 Posted May 29, 2010 i dont know i cant help but feel that im just not good enough for the first guy i mentioned (the one that i like now). I can give so much and i think id make a great GF but why cant he see that and see beyond sex? You more then likely would make a great girlfriend. This guy, however, has shown you in various ways that he would make a terrible boyfriend. Don't internalize this : the only part of this that you own is letting Mr. No-Committment make you doubt you would be a great girlfriend. He sounds like hostility and confusion, wrapped up in a big package of drama. Yes, exactly, the question isn't why do guys want you as a FWB but rather why are letting these guys get to you? Another note: in both these instances, these guys had feelings for you but nothing happened. In my experience, the best way to secure a healthy relationship with a man is through the traditional means of meeting a guy who then asks for your number and who then ask you out on a date. The romantic interest is clearer from the start and it's easier to establish that what you want is to find that special someone to have a relationship with.
Author guarded Posted May 29, 2010 Author Posted May 29, 2010 (edited) He sounds like hostility and confusion, wrapped up in a big package of drama. If that excites you, then go for it and let this guy vent his issues about past unrequited love for you by dragging you into a situation that's going to encourage you to feel worthless. I can't shake the feeling but i think you may be right.... I might have understood this wrong but is there a possibility that he’s bitter about the past? Could he still have feelings that he doesn’t want to deal with? Look forward to lots more 2am calls about whatever dream he just woke up from. Did that not strike you as completely disrespectful? By entertaining a stupid call like that at such an unearthly hour, you're giving him the message that you're on tap for the most trivial of purposes at any hour of the day or night. When he called i didnt pick up, in all honesty i was surprised he was even calling after he told me we couldn't talk anymore weeks before. When he sent me that msg he asked me to go online so we can chat but i told him i really couldnt because i had an exam in the morning. Said goodnight and left it at that. Then he sent me a msg a few mins after saying he was sorry for waking me up but he wanted to talk to me about his ex and all that stuff. So i thought id show him i can be a friend and said ill always be there if he needed to talk. Didn't think he'd actually take me up on the offer straight away... he went on to explain what happened between him and that girl and asked me for advice. As perplexing as it was i thought i did the right thing by giving him advice as i would to any friend. That situation itself really baffled me, why would he come to me for advice after everything that happened just weeks before. the question isn't why do guys want you as a FWB but rather why are letting these guys get to you?. It's the first guy that bothers me.... it's getting to me because for some reason i cant myself understand..i like him, alot more than i ever imagined possible. Maybe it's infatuation? i dont know. all i know is that a huge part of me wants him to see that there's more to me than the physical and even if we cant be an 'item' i can still be a friend. For some reason he cant seem to be able to hold a platonic friendship with me when he clearly can with other girls. Its insulting that i cant even be that, i just feel like he hates me or something for reasons i cant put my finger on? Another note: in both these instances, these guys had feelings for you but nothing happened. In my experience, the best way to secure a healthy relationship with a man is through the traditional means of meeting a guy who then asks for your number and who then ask you out on a date. The romantic interest is clearer from the start and it's easier to establish that what you want is to find that special someone to have a relationship with. We did meet in the traditional sense... the one that i like, we met, he asked for my number and asked me out and the interest on his end was pretty clear from the start, i was the one who wasnt sure what i wanted back then...but its clear what i want now that we're both a little older...i knew he liked me back then but i wasnt aware how much until we got to talking about the past. When i try and confront him about what's going on and try and talk it over he just shys away from the issue and runs! nothing to hide from so i dont get why.... Edited May 29, 2010 by guarded
Taramere Posted May 29, 2010 Posted May 29, 2010 I can't shake the feeling but i think you may be right.... I might have understood this wrong but is there a possibility that he’s bitter about the past? Probably. It doesn't matter how good a friend or a girlfriend you think you've been. If he put you on a pedestal in the past and now feels stupid and resentful about it, it's you he'll blame and it's you he'll punish. When he called i didnt pick up, in all honesty i was surprised he was even calling after he told me we couldn't talk anymore weeks before. When he sent me that msg he asked me to go online so we can chat but i told him i really couldnt because i had an exam in the morning. Said goodnight and left it at that. Well done. Then he sent me a msg a few mins after saying he was sorry for waking me up but he wanted to talk to me about his ex and all that stuff. So i thought id show him i can be a friend and said ill always be there if he needed to talk. Oh no... Didn't think he'd actually take me up on the offer straight away... he went on to explain what happened between him and that girl and asked me for advice. As perplexing as it was i thought i did the right thing by giving him advice as i would to any friend. I can totally understand you wanting to be a good friend. However, this one seems to playing games with you; he's not your friend, and it won't serve you well to kid yourself otherwise. You'll only get sucked into his drama. Though, I get the impression that you'd rather be sucked into his drama than not have him in your life. Would that be a fair comment? i just feel like he hates me or something for reasons i cant put my finger on? He maybe perceives you as having been in a position of power over him in the past, because he had a crush on you...and that could have been enough to build up a grudge. We did meet in the traditional sense... the one that i like, we met, he asked for my number and asked me out and the interest on his end was pretty clear from the start, i was the one who wasnt sure what i wanted back then...but its clear what i want now that we're both a little older...i knew he liked me back then but i wasnt aware how much until we got to talking about the past. When i try and confront him about what's going on and try and talk it over he just shys away from the issue and runs! nothing to hide from so i dont get why.... Are you certain that you really like him, or is it more a case of trying to solve a puzzle?
ADF Posted May 29, 2010 Posted May 29, 2010 I doubt very much if it is a reflection on you. Keep in mind that most men--especially younger men--prefer FWB to having a real GF anyway. In a FWB, the guy gets all the benefits of having a GF, but with no strings. FWB is the ultimate win/win situation as far as men are concerned. Men will often try for a FWB if they can get it, and only settle for having a GF if they can't. Never enter into a FWB with a man thinking it will grow into something more. It won't. He won't let it. Why would he? In a FWB, he is already getting everything he wants--for free!
MrNate Posted May 29, 2010 Posted May 29, 2010 I doubt very much if it is a reflection on you. Keep in mind that most men--especially younger men--prefer FWB to having a real GF anyway. In a FWB, the guy gets all the benefits of having a GF, but with no strings. FWB is the ultimate win/win situation as far as men are concerned. Men will often try for a FWB if they can get it, and only settle for having a GF if they can't. Never enter into a FWB with a man thinking it will grow into something more. It won't. He won't let it. Why would he? In a FWB, he is already getting everything he wants--for free! ADF is 100% spot on. I couldn't have said it better.
CandyGirlXO Posted May 29, 2010 Posted May 29, 2010 (edited) ADF is 100% spot on. I couldn't have said it better. Explain this PLEASE. I personally was in a FWB situation where the guy wanted more, I ALSO have had a guy leave his current FWB situation to be in a serious relationship with me. That was confusing for me because his FWB was really attractive and she seemed nice. I also had sex with a friend ONCE who was upset when I didn't want to be serious with him and then I had a boyfriend a month later. Why do you say a guy won't want more? What if the FWB decides to end it if it doesn't get serious? What if the guy actually really likes her? Edited May 29, 2010 by CandyGirlXO
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