coldsweats Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 I am 31 years old, my ex is 30. I was in a wonderful relationship with her for 2.5 years which ended April last year. It was like a fairytale. Towards the middle of the relationship, I realized that she was somewhat jealous of my mother. She didn't really like how I would visit her every weekend and didn't appreciate my stories of how my mom raised me by herself. Still though, she was a wonderful, loving girlfriend who gave a lot to me and was always there for me. However, the tension between her and my mother always irked me. Confronting her about it was of no use. To her, you always put your wife/ significant other first. To me, I was still stuck in the idea that you put your parents first. Towards the later part of the relationship, tensions were high. She wanted to know that we were going somewhere. I had always told her that I only wanted her to marry but I wasn't ready because we had some issues I wanted to work out. Ultimately, she left last April after giving me an ultimatum to get married. We had went out with my friends one evening and had a great time. I saw how wonderful she made me feel. I decided to propose one night in April. When she took the ring however, I felt stressed and guilty about what would happen to my mother and she saw that I wasn't happy. She gave the ring back and broke down crying. She left me the next morning. After that, we would occasionally hangout. She still answered my calls and regarded me as a friend. She did date others during this period but seemed to still hold out for me. I moved to a new city in July. I realized how she was right in certain aspects. How I was supposed to partition time between her and my mother and how the signficant other and in the future, the kids, were supposed to come first. I wrote her an email describing how I had changed. In October, my father passed away, days before my ex's birthday. I told my ex that I was going to propose to her on her birthday, something I still maintain is true. In November, she decided to visit me in my new city. We had the most wonderful time of my life together for a weekend. For the next several months, we were in a pseudo-relationship. It sometimes felt like the old times but we never really got intimate. We got close but she would always stop us and say "so what are you going to do about us?" In January, she started turning the pressure up. She once broke down and cried at her apartment that we still were not engaged. I told her that I needed more time. I soothed her and we made up. In February, the day before Valentines day, I was at an important family dinner. I had told my ex that I would go over her place to talk about us after dinner that night. However, my mom, who doesn't like my ex, made it hard for me to leave that night to go see her. This put me in an irritated mood and I had a few drinks in me. I got home past 10 pm and she still expected me to drive 45 minutes to her place to talk about us. I was dead tired. I just told her that we could do it the next weekend. She didn't want that. She said lets do it over the phone then. I was so tired and irritated at that point, I just blurted out "I am not ready to get married right now, but I don't want to hold you. However, I love you and I will come back and propose to you when I am ready. If it was meant to be, we will get married." She broke down crying over the phone. She told me that I was a liar and that I implied that I was ready for marriage via email and conversations when I actually wasn't. She told me that I think I treat her well but I treat her terrible, that I was the best liar she'd ever met. She then said that she wouldn't pick up my calls or emails if I wrote to her. She said that she would start dating other people. A couple of weeks after this occurred, I realized what a huge blunder I had caused. She was the one for me. My main fears for marriage were unjustified. I was worried about my mother mostly. I wanted to be able to have my mother enjoy her golden years without any tension in the family. I didn't want to neglect her. I also thought about how stressed my ex sometimes made me feel. I now realize she demands that people live up to their words. It been 3 months. I have not heard her voice since then. I heard from a friend of a friend that she has a new bf now and that she is happy. She deleted me as a friend on facebook. I've called her countless times and more recently, wrote her 6 heartfelt letters trying to explain myself and how I messed up. It was all to no avail. She used to text me back over a month ago with terse replies such as "it wasn't meant to be" or "how could I go back to someone I resent?" However, she has not responded to me since April 20th. I have not texted her for a month. My last letter was written over 3 weeks ago. I am very depressed right now and have nothing but regret.
BetterOffWithoutYou Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 what i can tell you is that i was in a similar situation with my ex. he had a codependent relationship with his mother that lead to problems in our relationship kind of like yours. he also talked about marriage but then would say he wasn't ready or didn't believe in it. between the unhealthy situation with his mom and the lies about wanting to be married i could never take him back. i feel like he lied just like your ex... i could never trust him again. if your ex feels that she cannot trust your words anymore then it is time to move on. everything happens for a reason and perhaps this relationship occurred in your life to teach you important lessons. now you know what not to do in your next relationship. have hope that she was not the one (if she was it would have worked), but instead she was sent into your life so you could learn important relationship skills so when you meet the one you will not lose her! try to be positive and take all the lessons and strength you can from the relationship as you move forward. i truly hope you are able to heal and feel better soon!!!
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