bellabelle Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 (edited) Hi, I’m not sure where to start – I’m struggling with understanding and reaching a resolution with the ultimate goal closure. I am a MOW. Since it started there I will begin with my marriage 14 years ago; a year and four months after splitting from my only childhood, teenage years and early adulthood boyfriend/fiancé; who taught me some real hard lessons and the sweet naïve girl was lost behind hurt. At sixteen, the emotional, mental and physical about started and continued for the next five and half years. I got the strength when I finally caught him cheating with my “BFF” who instigated the “beatings” unbeknownst to me…since she had his child 7 months after I left guess I know why it was okay in her mind. So, at the age of 23 I married a divorced father, ten years my senior but “responsible” and settled since my dad felt it’s what I needed. I am a cancer survivor and my BH and I miscarried the first year of our marriage. I had developed“toughness” or really an attitude of hurt me; I’ll make sure I hurt you worse or first. So, the times we have split, it has been my fault he says because the first years of our marriage our “fights,” which he wouldn’t do back then and I was a little “Chihuahua” … made him what he is…it’s my fault. So, three years now without intimacy and it was only a couple times a year for the few before that and I stopped asking since I was told that “maybe if I didn’t ask he would want too.” I don’t tell any of this to create an excuse, but for background that may help someone understand me enough. I have been through IC (BH refused MC since it was me with the problem), and still see someone. Almost ten years ago I began a new career, where I met my MOM. He can still tell me what I was wearing, how my hair was fixed, and the first words I spoke. He told me to buy the book “The Noticer,” because it reminded him of me and what I had taught him. In no way was he rude, but he got close to no one. He was cordial, respectful, but everyone knew more about the UPS man than him. So, it was a shock that a relationship developed between us; we became best friends. “You’re my only friend,” he’d say. It grabbed my heart hearing those four words from a thirty something, father of two, married for twenty years man, who everyone respected and liked just didn’t “know” him after working around or with him for twenty-one years. We became intimate eight years ago and for me it was mainly physical, but from the beginning it was like he was trying to consume everything and anything I could offer; starving. We all had felt sorry for him, his BW, was extremely critical, verbally in front of all of us in the office. Demeaning him, ordering, demanding, possessive and would in front of anyone say things like, “he’s most selfish man and if I had your body and her face I wouldn’t be married to him;” “d-i-v-o-r-c-e is what I need to do to him,” “he’s paying for my computer school and real estate because I’m getting my own job so I can have a life;” and more unbelievable – we’d see her coming almost everyday to the office for lunch and we’d all run out the back door. So, for seven years our relationship continues and grows; he never forgets a holiday, hugs, loves, speaks, and sends messages even on weekends while hiding in the bathroom or going to get a haircut. He talks about the day his youngest graduates high-school and he can be free; he tried to leave about four years into our relationship and the hundred phone calls a day and her telling his 18 and 16 year-old how their “daddy leaving them; and it didn’t matter what he said she promised them he wouldn’t keep them in their 5000 sf house.” We all watched and heard the change; instead of jumping higher than she even asked and dropping and running if she got a hang-nail he started standing up a little for himself, but she just got worse and more demanding and then his children crying and begging for him not to make them kids of divorced parents. We always were friends first and I would tell him that for roughly twenty years he done everything when, how, why and where she said and she was going to get worse when she felt her control slipping. A couple times he came in to work with ugly scratches, bruises and broken eye-glasses. Yet, during any crisis impacting anyone he knew he was the first to give, sacrifice and offer assistance to anyone – acts of God such as Katrina – he was picking up a U-Haul and driving to every employees’ house with supplies – death in the family he was sending flowers – Mother Nature or Accidents such as house fires, he gave and done. Three years ago he took a transfer, we were in different states, but still managed to see each other every month or every other month and he was seeing an attorney. I’d get my love text and calls everyday. His BW didn’t and wasn’t, he said moving but was looking for a job and they were over. He would say that the BW would about once a week say she was coming there and she would never divorce him because her goal would be to make him as miserable as he has made her. He spoke about the death-bed promise he made at age 17 to his girlfriends’ (BW) mother to take care of her (BW). How it would cause him moments of guilt, but he’d say I’ve told her anything she wanted to do I’d pay for and he did … on top of the computer and real-estate schools she took other courses, but 8 months later she had no job and 7 months after that she showed up at the place he bought. He was so sorry; he didn’t know what had gotten into her other than “to make me miserable.” He ended up in the hospital and was diagnosed with a self-created stomach condition and lost 20 lbs in two months, but he loved me I was his world, I meant the world and he would figure it all out. Fast forward to June 2009 and she found out he talked to me on the phone and then she was telling their daughters and his parents. His daughters were upset and disappointment…”how can you talk to her and why would you, daddy? You don’t work together or even in the same state and you know how it upsets Mom. You need to work on your marriage we don’t want our parents divorced.” His parents along the same line and hearing from him when he went for a hair cut or every morning started slowing down. On Mondays, he’d tell me of the “interrogation” and “chastising” he took from his Mom, kids, and BW over the weekend. When I’d see him he looked older, tired, and the “outgoing” person he had become was slowly regressing to the “straight-laced,” don’t develop relationships, all business person I’d met nearly ten years previous. I’d hear from him in the early a.m. hours when he was out of town and he’d be drunk…a man who would never hang out with us during work events and have a drink, would be drunk. But he loved me, I was his world, he couldn’t survive without me…he was tired…tired of fighting – then in Sept 09 a deadly illness diagnosis was given to his Mom. Contact from him because nearly non-existent unless I initiated it…the last week of September we were together and two days later, the man who made my heart flip by literally reciting verbatim things I said, wore, and did since the day we met cried uncontrollably while telling me he had to end our relationship. He had to work, and he had no one else and his BW said she’d go down and take care of his parents a few days a week…but she made him pay…with early am calls saying things like “I’m stuck here taking care of your parents doing for your parents…” Week later he called asking if he could take it back? Saying he loved me, his world wasn’t right without me; he’d find a way to handle it all…he could get his hands around it.” But few months later he couldn’t handle it and he “would always love me; treasure me, never forget me...etc.” So here I am not sure … more confused then ever …what does it all mean…how do I work with him again and not wonder who he’s texting … talking to when he walks outside? Is there to much history? What does he mean by any of it...was/is any of it real? I’m sorry for such a long drawn out story…thank you all for reading and being here! Strange but little peace settled within just “saying” it all out loud… Edited May 28, 2010 by bellabelle typo
jthorne Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 I'm very sorry you are hurting, but the fact is, both of you are married to other people and unwilling to leave your marriages. He's ended it with you, which though painful, was his right. You two are no longer in a relationship, so who he talks to is really none of your concern. Getting on with your life is.
Author bellabelle Posted May 28, 2010 Author Posted May 28, 2010 I'm very sorry you are hurting, but the fact is, both of you are married to other people and unwilling to leave your marriages. He's ended it with you, which though painful, was his right. You two are no longer in a relationship, so who he talks to is really none of your concern. Getting on with your life is. Yes, until two weeks ago - now it's not all the lovey this and that but "I love you. I can't imagine my life without you; it scares me to death...professionally and personally...move here and work with me everyday..."
BB07 Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 Hugs......Bella, I know you are hurting and I'm sorry. To me....it sounds like this man has lots of issues, such as low self esteem, and it does sound like he has been abused and beaten down by his wife but Bella.... he is the one who has to fix his own mess, there isn't anything that you can do to change that and since so much time has passed, I wonder if he can. You need to concentrate on yourself and don't obsess over him. If your marriage is so unhappy for all these years, why are you still there?
califnan Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 Bella, Are you still married? At any rate - no matter how much history there is on his abuse and unhappiness - He is the Only one who can dig himself out.. If there is someone else in his life - let him waste her days of her life.. Bella, if you are married - you must rebuild your marriage or end it .. Life is too short for all of this..
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Author bellabelle Posted May 28, 2010 Author Posted May 28, 2010 You need to concentrate on yourself and don't obsess over him. If your marriage is so unhappy for all these years, why are you still there? I try and do okay its rough; he literally was my Best Friend. It wasn't about sex it was true intimacy, talking about everything...everything no matter what it was. I miss that more than anything. The ease in which we could be around each other; talk for hours or not say a word; watch a movie, laugh, joke, "horseplay"...yes it always ended with sex but it was so much more...I miss that so badly..."I get the your so beautiful" - "so sexy" - "smell so good" but it's like he's closed off the "deep friendship" but can't the sexual attraction. "I've got to go down this path...got to be able to say I've done everything I could. I have to cut off my feelings to survive..." BB & Cali, yes I'm still married - we split for a little while, but he moved back in; think we are both just content to live as roommates. He knows about MOM...I've had my suspicion which is why I think he moved out for a while...saw the phone bill with him and a young co-worker...never could prove it ... he denied it and my IC has helped me grow; I've had no reason to ge a divorce - I know that sounds bad - but if my H wanted to leave just as the last time I'd support his decision and help him if I could...It's just so black and white - he sees no grey - he holds grudges and to me judgemental he only is friends with "his" kind of people - we are just so different - totally different. I travel so much with work and with the way he works we literally share the same "space" two full weekends a month and the other weekends he works so there are few hours there but total maybe 80 hours a month.
califnan Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 Honestly, Belle - the kind of relationship that you have enjoyed with the MM, are for husband and wife.. Now you have two good friends and no husband.. If you and your husband have no wish to get back as husband and wife .. It is possible for you to strive toward a marital relationship that involves all the friendship/intimacy - lovemaking, that should be with marriage.. Put the MM relationship behind, and strive toward a better life for yourself.
fooled once Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 Sorry, but I don't see any 'relationship' with this guy. He is married. So are you. If you want to have relationships with other men, get a divorce. If you and your H are really roommates, why bother being married? And so what if your H has had an affair - you really have no place to throw stones or judge him. You have had one for 10 years! As for the MOM - aren't his kids grown? And all this alleged things his wife says to him, etc.... have you personally heard her say those things? Have you heard his kids say those things? His mom? Or is it just "his" version?? Sorry, but you are wasting your time on this guy. You will only be the mistress - not the wife. He has no intention of leaving his wife..
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