Jump to content

he does not feel honorable

piscis

By piscis
in The Other Man / Woman

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

piscis Established Member

piscis

Posted
Posted

Background:

Toghether for a year he left home and returned in order to put everythibg together and be able to leave without guilt (or such he says)

Our anniversary was this last tuesday for 3 weeks we have been making plans about staying together and do something nice (dinner, movie something like that).We have been staying togehter for 1 night a week during the whole year (he travels a lot so it is justified in some way at home his abscense)

 

Anyway, we spoke on sunday and when I told him about tuesday he was unsympathetic telling me that he was not that sure about being able so I asked why and he told be that he did not want it to be like a routine and that he had not been feeling that honourable about things because he sees me suffering a lot while he is managing he's depature; of course I turnes crazy and I screamed at him tellinghim that I was sure it was not honourable but we knew that from the begining (when he was not worried a lot about that).

 

I have been asking him his plans for departure and he tells me that he can not tell me because he has to work that on his own, anyway I was really mad, and told him that he was going to regret leaving me, I recognize I did not have a good reaction.

 

Later he told me that he would manage to do something to stay on tuesday but with sucha a suffering voice that it sounded like the worst sacrifice ever!! there was when I told him not to make any favours thta we stayed together because we are supposed to enjoy it but if it was so horrible for him he'd better do not do it.

 

We were, ok I was arguing during almost an hour and I told him not so nice things, anyway, we had lunch on Monday and then he told me that he wanted to move his W and daughter to another house because they are leaving in a not secure area and that he has to be home for her to accept, so they have already seen a house that is going to be ready at the end of july, so his plans are for them to move and he not moving in with them.

 

He told me that the honourable part was because I am so great, beautiful, caring and perfect that he does not want me to be sad because of this situation.

 

I asked him how are you planning to deal with your daughter being sad because you are not there, about his W not letting him seeing her, about his W making him feel guilty (all this things happened when he left) and he tells me that he is trying to the the best at the present for them having very few things to claim ath the moment of his departure and that he can not deal with so much information (my questions) because he does not know and he would know at the moment how to deal with them.

 

That he is healing and dealing with that and that I should not worry because he is the one that is going to do it and he does not want our relationship to suffer becuause this!!!!!

 

He tell me he is completly sure that he is leaving after the house move, that he is staying with his sister, that he loves me, wants to be with me and just asks me to respect thta he acts different like me tht he has to do this his own way in order to be fine with it and that he asks me for this time together while he left home.

 

I told him to make it happend, to stop searching for cars on the internet that he is not able to buy and ythat when someone wants something so badly as he wants to be with me (according to what he says) he will work hard and make it happend.

 

He was on a bussiness trip on Tuesday, returned and stayed with me on Wednesday, had a great time as always and that's it.

 

all opinions and comments are greatfully thanked

jthorne Established Member

jthorne

Posted
Posted

He is right about one thing- he's not being honorable.

Has he told his W he's leaving, and he's not moving in with them in July?

If not, what does he expect to do? Hand her the keys at the door, and say adios? How honerable is that? If he hasn't told her he's leaving, either he is lying to her about his plans to move, or he's lying to you about them.

 

He's also asked you for some space while he's working on things. If you love him, you would honor that request.

califnan Established Member

califnan

Posted
Posted

And to add to the above... There is no Honor in any of this ..

califnan Established Member

califnan

Posted
Posted

I'm sorry Piscis, But there is not supposed to be "honor" in theft leading to adultry - abandonment. It is really selfish lust, and betrayal on his part ..

 

If you wish for an easier road - wait until he is divorced.

  • Author
piscis Established Member

piscis

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)

hi calif!! do not apologize of course there is nothing honorable about it that was part of what made me more mad I knew it is not honorable of course he knew it is not honorable and we did it anyway, so if a third person tells me it is not honorable I would accept but not him, he did not cared much about it a year ago right?

 

Jthorne when he told me about the space he meant (he told me he meant that) he will need more time til the house he is pretending to rent is available, I asked him if he wanted time without me and he said no, I KNOW that the right thing to do will be for me to leave til he does something whatever he does go or stay but I do not want to end it and I feel like I am abonding him during all the efforts he is making to be with me, ok there might be not efforts at all I am conscious of that but how can I deal with what I feel ???

Edited by piscis
califnan Established Member

califnan

Posted
Posted
hi calif!! do not apologize of course there is nothing honorable about it that was part of what made me more mad I knew it is not honorable of course he knew it is not honorable and we did it anyway, so if a third person tells me it is not honorable I would accept but not him, he did not cared much about it a year ago right?

 

Jthorne when he told me about the space he meant (he told me he meant that) he will need more time til the house he is pretending to rent is available, I asked him if he wanted time without me and he said no, I KNOW that the right thing to do will be for me to leave til he does something whatever he does go or stay but I do not want to end it and I feel like I am abonding him during all the efforts he is making to be with me, ok there might be not efforts at all I am conscious of that but how can I deal with what I feel ???

 

--------------------

 

Women have built-in maternal instincts .. I think that's why they feel like they are the rescuers of these guys.. It is for him to do the transition on his own .. Don't abandon yourself.

jwi71 Established Member

jwi71

Posted
Posted
Background:

Toghether for a year he left home and returned in order to put everythibg together and be able to leave without guilt (or such he says)

 

This is your first clue. Its IMPOSSIBLE to abandon your W and child and NOT feel guilt. He either gets over and leaves or does not. So this excuse is just that...an excuse to stay (and it simultaneously makes him "look" good and noble...his word, honorable).

 

Our anniversary was this last tuesday for 3 weeks we have been making plans about staying together and do something nice (dinner, movie something like that)
Dinner, movie and sex is NOT an anniversary. Hell, I did that in high school for Pete's sake. Weekend getaway to NY or San Fran is an anniversary celebration.

 

Anyway, we spoke on sunday and when I told him about tuesday he was unsympathetic telling me that he was not that sure about being able so I asked why and he told be that he did not want it to be like a routine and that he had not been feeling that honourable about things because he sees me suffering a lot while he is managing he's depature
Translation: plans with the wife and kid. Or, maybe his wife KNOWS he won't be "away on business that day". Is Thursday from 6- 8pm ok? Dinner, no movie (not enough time for movie and sex, and guess which one he goes for...) and sex?

 

; of course I turnes crazy and I screamed at him tellinghim that I was sure it was not honourable but we knew that from the begining (when he was not worried a lot about that).
That was before you placed expectations and anniversaries on him. Crap, now you sound like the very thing he is escaping. And he doesn't WANT to substitute "problem" (women)...he wants an escape.

 

I have been asking him his plans for departure and he tells me that he can not tell me because he has to work that on his own,
Translatin: None of your business. Which is patently odd to say IF you are leaving....

 

Later he told me that he would manage to do something to stay on tuesday but with sucha a suffering voice that it sounded like the worst sacrifice ever!!
I'm sure it was in his world. I mean, damnit, stop placing demands on me. But, since you sound like you might actually leave...I guess I HAVE to be there. Poor me. Can we have sex now?

there was when I told him not to make any favours thta we stayed together because we are supposed to enjoy it but if it was so horrible for him he'd better do not do it.

Almost. You missed the subliminal message. He had OTHER plans which trumped your anniversary plans. Now what does that tell you about his feelings on 1) you 2) anniversaries 3) giving of himself when its important to others and NOT himself.

 

we had lunch on Monday and then he told me that he wanted to move his W and daughter to another house because they are leaving in a not secure area and that he has to be home for her to accept, so they have already seen a house that is going to be ready at the end of july,
Please tell me you throw your water in his face and told him to eff off. Because, one doesn't just "buy a house" like its a pair of socks. That takes planning, and searching, and budgeting, and discussions, and lawyers....

 

That has been in the works a while now.

 

And no way you buy a new house for your stbxw when you are about to leave for the OW...you can't possibly believe this.

 

so his plans are for them to move and he not moving in with them.
I've got some beachfront property in Tempe I'd like to sell you....cheap.

 

He told me that the honourable part was because I am so great, beautiful, caring and perfect that he does not want me to be sad because of this situation.
This is called prepping.

He's prepping you for the eventual dumping. Its coming. And soon I imagine.

 

I asked him how are you planning to deal with your daughter being sad because you are not there, about his W not letting him seeing her, about his W making him feel guilty (all this things happened when he left) and he tells me that he is trying to the the best at the present for them having very few things to claim ath the moment of his departure and that he can not deal with so much information (my questions) because he does not know and he would know at the moment how to deal with them.
Wow...so all this planning he has been doing (managing his departure, your words) resulted in:

 

"I don't know...I guess I'll wing it. After I buy this new house together".

 

You gotta be able to see this.

 

He tell me he is completly sure that he is leaving after the house move, that he is staying with his sister, that he loves me, wants to be with me and just asks me to respect thta he acts different like me tht he has to do this his own way in order to be fine with it and that he asks me for this time together while he left home.
Translation: Stop asking questions about this...you are seriously cramping my style.

 

I told him to make it happend, to stop searching for cars on the internet that he is not able to buy and ythat when someone wants something so badly as he wants to be with me (according to what he says) he will work hard and make it happend.
Good for you. This is my message to you...he is either working towards leaving or not. And his ACTIONS say he is not leaving.
fooled once Established Member

fooled once

Posted
Posted

I agree with jwl - he is NOT going to buy a house with his wife to turn around and leave her. You cannot seriously believe this, can you? IF he was truly leaving his wife, he would not be financially tying himself to her with the PURCHASE OF A HOUSE!!!

 

hi calif!! do not apologize of course there is nothing honorable about it that was part of what made me more mad I knew it is not honorable of course he knew it is not honorable and we did it anyway, so if a third person tells me it is not honorable I would accept but not him, he did not cared much about it a year ago right?

 

Jthorne when he told me about the space he meant (he told me he meant that) he will need more time til the house he is pretending to rent is available, I asked him if he wanted time without me and he said no, I KNOW that the right thing to do will be for me to leave til he does something whatever he does go or stay but I do not want to end it and I feel like I am abonding him during all the efforts he is making to be with me, ok there might be not efforts at all I am conscious of that but how can I deal with what I feel ???

 

(1) He is not your boyfriend. He is a married man you are having an affair with.

 

(2) You and he can't be having 'anniversaries' because he is married to someone else (see #1 above).

 

(3) you don't want to cut ties to him because you know if you do, he will not chase you. You don't want to cut ties to him so he can sort this out because you know that he will continue to stay married if you aren't there constantly telling him what he has to do.

 

(4) I don't see any effort he is making to be with you - except for sex. He isn't leaving his wife - he is buying a house with his wife. That couldn't be construed as "leaving" in any way.

 

I agree with jthorne who said:

 

If not, what does he expect to do? Hand her the keys at the door, and say adios? How honerable is that? If he hasn't told her he's leaving, either he is lying to her about his plans to move, or he's lying to you about them.

 

All his talk of honorable :rolleyes: he couldn't be further from honorable if he tried. It is actually an insult to truly honorable men.

 

As jwl said also, you are turning into a nagging 'wife' by telling him how he is to do things, complaining about not spending time with him, yelling at him for not doing things YOUR way, in YOUR time frame.

 

Can you accept that you will only be the OW to him? If not, then my advise is to end things. BUT if you are happy to be the OW, continue on. I don't see you ever being more than that to him...no matter how many times his words tell you differently. His actions are telling you he is married and plans to stay that way.

 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...