hopeless4u Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 Hey guys, I thought I should give everyone an update after my Vegas trip and decided that this will be a true and honest reflection of how I feel right now..... So my timeline to be over xMM was my trip and yes it was a fantastic trip!! Over him, not so much:-( I still think about him most of the day, although it is getting easier to control pushing these thoughts from my mind and I can also stop the tears when in public...just!! Yey go me, right?? I'm upbeat most of the time and the 'brave face' is not as exhausting as it used to be. I start a new job next week which will take up much more of my time and energy so less time and energy being wasted on thinking of him, how he is doing and if he ever thinks of me so all good, right?? My life is falling back into place, I made some amazing friends in the US and am already saving to come back ASAP, my son is off to university soon after surviving a serious beating while I was away and the future is looking good so why oh why....am I..... .....STILL crying most nights when alone and he is still the person I think of when I go to bed and the person I still dream of vividly and the person who is on my mind the second I wake up!! I have done everything I can to get over this man but he's still there, in my head, my heart, everywhere I go, everything I do he's there just lingering.... We always said he had to work on his M without me in his life clouding his feelings and thats just what we have done. He has stayed away and I have pretty much tried to get on with my life. He always said if he left he would have to be able to look his W and family in the eyes and truthfully say he was leaving because he wasn't happy and not because of me, again another reason why I have tried to move on. I always said that I worried that I would move on and then find out he had left his W, that hasn't changed. I know I will probably get slaughtered for saying this but it all comes down to the fact that I do still love this man, even after the way he has treated me, shocking I know but unfortunately love doesn't have an on/off switch I guess....
secretlady76 Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 Going to and being in Vegas was not real life. There were things to keep you occupied etc. Now you're back the thoughts of him are also back. You haven't given yourself enough time to get over him and also, as much as you hope it isn't the case you are actually on 'standby' whilst he works on his marriage and you hope that he may contact you and tell you that he needs you still. I know, I am there with you. You have to accept that he has chosen the marriage over you. Once you have accepted that and also have started your new job, you can get on with normal life and move on. I have found that keeping busy has helped, but you can't keep busy the minute you go to bed and the minute you wake up, hence why you start thinking about him. Also, I don't know about you but if I know I have a spare couple of hours when nothing is going on I freak as I know I will start having 'inward' thoughts which doesn't help anyone. It's horrible. You have to go with your feelings and soon they will come less intense. I'm not sure being on here helps much!!!!
Author hopeless4u Posted May 27, 2010 Author Posted May 27, 2010 Going to and being in Vegas was not real life. There were things to keep you occupied etc. Now you're back the thoughts of him are also back. You haven't given yourself enough time to get over him and also, as much as you hope it isn't the case you are actually on 'standby' whilst he works on his marriage and you hope that he may contact you and tell you that he needs you still. I know, I am there with you. You have to accept that he has chosen the marriage over you. Once you have accepted that and also have started your new job, you can get on with normal life and move on. I have found that keeping busy has helped, but you can't keep busy the minute you go to bed and the minute you wake up, hence why you start thinking about him. Also, I don't know about you but if I know I have a spare couple of hours when nothing is going on I freak as I know I will start having 'inward' thoughts which doesn't help anyone. It's horrible. You have to go with your feelings and soon they will come less intense. I'm not sure being on here helps much!!!! yeah I agree, I try not to come here to much now as it does make me think of him more. I do e mail friends from here and that helps as we talk about all sorts not just 'them'! I always knew he would choose to work on his M, that was and isn't an issue, the sharing things with him is and has been since NC. So many things have happened in my life the last 3 months and its then it really hits me, thats how i'm feeling right now. I do think I'm moving on now and that does worry me. xMM always said it took me 6 months to realise I couldn't stay with my xH and I think that plays on my mind....yes he is working on his M but they had serious problems before his A and I guess I wonder if they have got over them. I'm ok, I just vent my thoughts on here and I am under no illusions that we will end up together and that he will ever leave his W but its there I guess, somewhere deep down. I truly want him to be happy even if that is at my expense, sometimes I just need to get other opinions.
MizFit Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 Hey guys, I thought I should give everyone an update after my Vegas trip and decided that this will be a true and honest reflection of how I feel right now..... So my timeline to be over xMM was my trip and yes it was a fantastic trip!! Over him, not so much:-( I still think about him most of the day, although it is getting easier to control pushing these thoughts from my mind and I can also stop the tears when in public...just!! Yey go me, right?? I'm upbeat most of the time and the 'brave face' is not as exhausting as it used to be. I start a new job next week which will take up much more of my time and energy so less time and energy being wasted on thinking of him, how he is doing and if he ever thinks of me so all good, right?? My life is falling back into place, I made some amazing friends in the US and am already saving to come back ASAP, my son is off to university soon after surviving a serious beating while I was away and the future is looking good so why oh why....am I..... .....STILL crying most nights when alone and he is still the person I think of when I go to bed and the person I still dream of vividly and the person who is on my mind the second I wake up!! I have done everything I can to get over this man but he's still there, in my head, my heart, everywhere I go, everything I do he's there just lingering.... We always said he had to work on his M without me in his life clouding his feelings and thats just what we have done. He has stayed away and I have pretty much tried to get on with my life. He always said if he left he would have to be able to look his W and family in the eyes and truthfully say he was leaving because he wasn't happy and not because of me, again another reason why I have tried to move on. I always said that I worried that I would move on and then find out he had left his W, that hasn't changed. I know I will probably get slaughtered for saying this but it all comes down to the fact that I do still love this man, even after the way he has treated me, shocking I know but unfortunately love doesn't have an on/off switch I guess.... Welcome back! I'm so glad you had a great time! Know what hun...I still have times when I remember my very first love fondly and have regrets about him (and that was when dinosaurs roamed the earth)...I still wonder about this boyfriend and about my xH...it's normal to have them in our hearts. They fade...they become part of our past...your MM will too if it goes on too long. You've been so strong and you've done what you knew in your heart was the right thing to do...just remember how far you've come and be proud of that. You can't stop loving him...I would almost imagine he hasn't stopped loving you. You're both doing what is the right thing for you though. Stay strong...you're a star girl... Secretlady is right...coming back into your own element was probably a bit of a reality check and made the feelings a bit more sharp for you...give yourself time and also dig in to that new job! Take care and keep the faith...xx
Author hopeless4u Posted May 27, 2010 Author Posted May 27, 2010 Welcome back! I'm so glad you had a great time! Know what hun...I still have times when I remember my very first love fondly and have regrets about him (and that was when dinosaurs roamed the earth)...I still wonder about this boyfriend and about my xH...it's normal to have them in our hearts. They fade...they become part of our past...your MM will too if it goes on too long. You've been so strong and you've done what you knew in your heart was the right thing to do...just remember how far you've come and be proud of that. You can't stop loving him...I would almost imagine he hasn't stopped loving you. You're both doing what is the right thing for you though. Stay strong...you're a star girl... Secretlady is right...coming back into your own element was probably a bit of a reality check and made the feelings a bit more sharp for you...give yourself time and also dig in to that new job! Take care and keep the faith...xx Thank you Hun;)x Yep you are so right, I am strong and next week I will have no time to think of him. Like you said it takes time and I am so much better than I was 3 months ago, right? I do think back now of the good times we had and thats not a bad thing as its 2 yrs of my life and he did bring out some very good qualities in me even I didn't know I had!!
ladydesigner Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 Hi sweetie!! Great to see you back, although I am sorry you are hurting. Glad your Vegas trip was a blast. I totally feel where you are at. Lately I have been thinking of my XOM again and have been coming close to breaking NC. I know I can't. So even myself, out of the A for almost 2 years now and 9 months NC, I still think of him. I am PATHETIC. Hopefully your new job will provide a little more distraction for you. Distractions are the only things that help me. Also CONGRATULATIONS on the new job!!!! (((Hopeless4u)))
Author hopeless4u Posted May 27, 2010 Author Posted May 27, 2010 Hi sweetie!! Great to see you back, although I am sorry you are hurting. Glad your Vegas trip was a blast. I totally feel where you are at. Lately I have been thinking of my XOM again and have been coming close to breaking NC. I know I can't. So even myself, out of the A for almost 2 years now and 9 months NC, I still think of him. I am PATHETIC. Hopefully your new job will provide a little more distraction for you. Distractions are the only things that help me. Also CONGRATULATIONS on the new job!!!! (((Hopeless4u))) Hey babe, thank you for the congratulations and yes Vegas was just fantastic and more!!! I will be back there soon;-) I'm not to bad really, just the odd days when I really feel the pain but in general I'm ok;-) I guess it will creep up on me now and again, the tears still come but usually when i'm alone and to much time on my hands. I won't break NC, that would do neither of us any good, if he comes back it will be when he is ready and if that ever happens then I will deal with it then, right? Yes next week my new job will be all I will be able to think of as it is very mind tackling so at work no time and hopefully when I get home I'll be to tired! We are not pathetic LD just hot lovin women!!! lol xxxx
MizFit Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 Hi sweetie!! Great to see you back, although I am sorry you are hurting. Glad your Vegas trip was a blast. I totally feel where you are at. Lately I have been thinking of my XOM again and have been coming close to breaking NC. I know I can't. So even myself, out of the A for almost 2 years now and 9 months NC, I still think of him. I am PATHETIC. Hopefully your new job will provide a little more distraction for you. Distractions are the only things that help me. Also CONGRATULATIONS on the new job!!!! (((Hopeless4u))) You are not pathetic! Not even close...you're an inspiration and don't you forget it. I've been reading your posts since I came here last summer and you've been amazing. Stay strong...
Author hopeless4u Posted May 27, 2010 Author Posted May 27, 2010 You are not pathetic! Not even close...you're an inspiration and don't you forget it. I've been reading your posts since I came here last summer and you've been amazing. Stay strong... Yep I agree MizFit!! xx
MizFit Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 Thank you Hun;)x Yep you are so right, I am strong and next week I will have no time to think of him. Like you said it takes time and I am so much better than I was 3 months ago, right? I do think back now of the good times we had and thats not a bad thing as its 2 yrs of my life and he did bring out some very good qualities in me even I didn't know I had!! You are soooo much better than you were 3 months ago...you're doing an amazing job. I'm glad you're remembering things. You're right...they were years in your life when there were good things happening. Sometimes I get tired of listening to people bang on and on about how there is no love in an A...of how it's all fog or all some sort of 'spell' the participants are under. It may be sometimes, but it isn't always. I think an A is a difficult place to love...it's not all fantasy, it can actually be quite a nightmare! You remember your good times and you keep going. Keep us all posted on the new job and how you're doing.
Author hopeless4u Posted May 27, 2010 Author Posted May 27, 2010 You are soooo much better than you were 3 months ago...you're doing an amazing job. I'm glad you're remembering things. You're right...they were years in your life when there were good things happening. Sometimes I get tired of listening to people bang on and on about how there is no love in an A...of how it's all fog or all some sort of 'spell' the participants are under. It may be sometimes, but it isn't always. I think an A is a difficult place to love...it's not all fantasy, it can actually be quite a nightmare! You remember your good times and you keep going. Keep us all posted on the new job and how you're doing. I will do hunny and yes you are right, when the harshness of the situation wears off yes the good times do come back. I was beginning to get bitter over it all because it was the only way I could deal with the feelings but that has passed now and as much as I would never, ever go back into the A, I have to admit the good times will be in my memories forever:-) x
califnan Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 When I was a kid (about 22) .. I fell in love with a man on my job who was separated from his wife.. He went back to his wife, and even though he was transferred - I was so devastated that I quit my good job and looked for employment elsewhere.. Just a few months on the new job, a co-worker introduced me to my husband.. we were married 4 months later..
MizFit Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 When I was a kid (about 22) .. I fell in love with a man on my job who was separated from his wife.. He went back to his wife, and even though he was transferred - I was so devastated that I quit my good job and looked for employment elsewhere.. Just a few months on the new job, a co-worker introduced me to my husband.. we were married 4 months later.. What a sad story that ended up so beautifully! See h4u...maybe someone new is waiting for you right now! Thanks for sharing that califnan!
califnan Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 What a sad story that ended up so beautifully! See h4u...maybe someone new is waiting for you right now! Thanks for sharing that califnan! ----------------- Thanks Miz .. my pleasure.. I know God has someone for you H4U.
BB07 Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 Hi H4U.....I'm glad Vegas was fun. Coming back from a vacation is always a letdown, or it is for me. Continue to work on your healing and finding a good place for yourself. You are doing well. I don't want to give you false hope but keep in mind that it is possible that your xmm at some point in time will leave the marriage. If he does, it will be less baggage for both of you. It did work that way for me....and I don't mean to imply that it's been baggage free or easy, but I'm sure it's been easier in that, I wasn't THE reason that he left. Take care and keep doing what you need to do for YOU.
fooled once Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 Hey guys, I thought I should give everyone an update after my Vegas trip and decided that this will be a true and honest reflection of how I feel right now..... So my timeline to be over xMM was my trip and yes it was a fantastic trip!! Over him, not so much:-( I still think about him most of the day, although it is getting easier to control pushing these thoughts from my mind and I can also stop the tears when in public...just!! Yey go me, right?? I'm upbeat most of the time and the 'brave face' is not as exhausting as it used to be. I start a new job next week which will take up much more of my time and energy so less time and energy being wasted on thinking of him, how he is doing and if he ever thinks of me so all good, right?? My life is falling back into place, I made some amazing friends in the US and am already saving to come back ASAP, my son is off to university soon after surviving a serious beating while I was away and the future is looking good so why oh why....am I..... .....STILL crying most nights when alone and he is still the person I think of when I go to bed and the person I still dream of vividly and the person who is on my mind the second I wake up!! I have done everything I can to get over this man but he's still there, in my head, my heart, everywhere I go, everything I do he's there just lingering.... We always said he had to work on his M without me in his life clouding his feelings and thats just what we have done. He has stayed away and I have pretty much tried to get on with my life. He always said if he left he would have to be able to look his W and family in the eyes and truthfully say he was leaving because he wasn't happy and not because of me, again another reason why I have tried to move on. I always said that I worried that I would move on and then find out he had left his W, that hasn't changed. I know I will probably get slaughtered for saying this but it all comes down to the fact that I do still love this man, even after the way he has treated me, shocking I know but unfortunately love doesn't have an on/off switch I guess.... Don't beat yourself up - each person's timetable is different. It is like grieving the death of someone - there is no set timetable when the grieving stops. I think you put too much pressure on yourself to be over the feelings, which is what is hampering you truly letting go. I also think once you get back into a routine of work and friends, etc., you WILL find yourself thinking of him less and less. I really think you have to stop pressuring yourself to be "over him". Just let it come naturally - and it will. He isn't who you thought he was - he has treated you horribly. I think mostly you miss the person you thought he was. I think you miss feeling loved by someone. I think you are fearful of being "alone" so instead of moving forward, you are being stuck in the past. Just keep going forward --- and the feelings will lessen with time. Glad you had a nice vacation!!
joey66 Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 Over him, not so much:-( I still think about him most of the day I have done everything I can to get over this man but he's still there, in my head, my heart, everywhere I go, everything I do he's there just lingering.... I know I will probably get slaughtered for saying this but it all comes down to the fact that I do still love this man, even after the way he has treated me, shocking I know but unfortunately love doesn't have an on/off switch I guess.... Hi h4u - Glad you are back. I'm right there with you, i.e., not over her. Why is it so hard to get over? I know the A is done and I still can't get over it. No, love does not have an on/off switch. In fact, I would argue that if you can turn it on and off, then it isn't true love. And I still believe in true love. (Really. No irony intended.) Good luck with the new job.
White Flower Posted May 31, 2010 Posted May 31, 2010 Hey guys, I thought I should give everyone an update after my Vegas trip and decided that this will be a true and honest reflection of how I feel right now..... So my timeline to be over xMM was my trip and yes it was a fantastic trip!! Over him, not so much:-( I still think about him most of the day, although it is getting easier to control pushing these thoughts from my mind and I can also stop the tears when in public...just!! Yey go me, right?? I'm upbeat most of the time and the 'brave face' is not as exhausting as it used to be. I start a new job next week which will take up much more of my time and energy so less time and energy being wasted on thinking of him, how he is doing and if he ever thinks of me so all good, right?? My life is falling back into place, I made some amazing friends in the US and am already saving to come back ASAP, my son is off to university soon after surviving a serious beating while I was away and the future is looking good so why oh why....am I..... .....STILL crying most nights when alone and he is still the person I think of when I go to bed and the person I still dream of vividly and the person who is on my mind the second I wake up!! I have done everything I can to get over this man but he's still there, in my head, my heart, everywhere I go, everything I do he's there just lingering.... We always said he had to work on his M without me in his life clouding his feelings and thats just what we have done. He has stayed away and I have pretty much tried to get on with my life. He always said if he left he would have to be able to look his W and family in the eyes and truthfully say he was leaving because he wasn't happy and not because of me, again another reason why I have tried to move on. I always said that I worried that I would move on and then find out he had left his W, that hasn't changed. I know I will probably get slaughtered for saying this but it all comes down to the fact that I do still love this man, even after the way he has treated me, shocking I know but unfortunately love doesn't have an on/off switch I guess.... You're doing everything right H4U. You're living your life, working, traveling, and taking care of your son. You're even giving xMM space and letting him figure out if he can truly stay M to his W without you being a distraction. No, there is no on/off switch; I wish there was. We can only get tired of things as they are and try our best to move on. We're in the same boat pretty much. Just go out, laugh, and TRY to make it fun. I am sure in time it will get better. Save up your pennies and get back to the US soon. We'll show you a rockin' time.
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