The most screwed up relationship ever?

[xxChemical]

I know some of you will think im stupid for staying but im sure some of you have once found that person who is the one.....and you don't want anyone else.

 

I got together with my boyfriend robby 2 years ago on march 15th and i was just amazed that a guy like him would want anything to do with me,but from march to November all it was was cheating on me,going out after i went to bed,secretly being on the phone with his ex girlfriend.

 

Now the only girl hes ever cheated on me with was his his ex girlfriend,she was his first girlfriend and 2 years with him,im his second.In November i told him i was done,i was tired of her showing up at my door to talk to him,him lieing to me all the time i didn't need it,and i broke up with him.2 weeks later he came to me and apologized crying saying he loved me and didn't want her and would never see her again.I believed him and gave him my trust again,a year went by......next November i see his friend stan write me on msn saying he was talking to my boyfriends ex steff and she said she cant hold the guilt anymore and Robby had been seeing her 3-4 times a month the past year and he had tons of secret e-mails which she gave to him and she told him he could tell me if he wanted,she just needed to tell someone.

 

Stan told me and i freaked out,confronted my boyfriend and he said its not true he cheated on me once 2 days before she told stan and he told her it was a mistake and he could never see her again,and that's why she told stan and made up tons of lies to hurt me.I believed him even though her story was believable i mean i found a e-mail he had and got into it where she said it was great seeing him and it was in may,i asked him about it and he said he seen her in his car driving by each other and she asked him to come over to watch movies and he said no.

 

I told him that maybe in the beginning of our relationship i could understand,it was his first girlfriend,he was attached and confused but now it was just plain cheating and he cried again told me it would never happened and i believed him. Its may now,its been 7 months,iv given him my trust back but im having such a hard time coping.

 

I mean,have any of you ever been cheated on and stayed with the person?and if you have how did you get over it?how did you get the trust back?

 

Im ruining my relationship right now,im always starting fights for nothing,i have this stupid suspicious thing poking at the back of my head and i just dont want it anymore.

 

It doesn't help that my cousin told me he talks to my boyfriend ex and she says hes still cheating on me with her,and i got an anonymous e-mail last week telling me hes cheating on me and if i think he cant because he doesn't have a car.....she still has a car.

 

My boyfriend use to have a car,but it broke a few months ago and we've been dealing with it doing whatever we can to see each other.He lives 20 minutes away and i bike to his house,he bikes to mine,it takes an hour there but its worth it.

 

Whenever hes not with me,hes on the phone with me,were together 24/7 because hes currently unemployed so i thought how could he be cheating on me?

 

I use to keep him up until 5am every day on the computer with cam because i was always scared he would go out with her and when we got back together i realized if i was going to make this work i had to get over everything and stop these bad habits,so i stopped doing it and now i go to bed at 1am,iv put my full trust in him but its so hard.

 

I have so many nightmares and in them its always him cheating on me,and i wake up in a sweat and so angry till i realize ok it was just a dream,there just so real,these dreams torture me.

 

Iv been in a depression for the past year and im on medication and have been getting help for it,all i do everyday is sit in my room and cry,hes the only one i have,the one thing that keeps me happy.I gave up all my friends for him because they didn't like him and didn't want to have anything to do with me unless i broke up with him.

 

It doesent help that iv changed so much,i dont feel as "sexy" as i did when we first started dating,i went from weighing 120 to weighing 182,and i just feel that,thats just more of a reason for him to go and cheat on me,i dont feel like i deserve him anymore even thought iv never ever once cheated on him.

 

I have this thing where i wouldn't do something to anyone else that i wouldn't want done to myself.after i got cheated on it changed my life.I use to be this strong girl that didn't care what anyone had to say about me,i was independent and always had a smile on my face.I feel so fragile and broken and self conscious ,like my life has been turned around and i just feel so useless now.

 

The one thing i have left is my relationship and im so scared that hes cheating on me,but then i feel bad that i do because im suppose to give him my full trust.I have been giving him my full trust but these stupid e-mails and people telling me hes cheating just ruin everything,all the trust i built up for him.

 

I have to take his word over any others,even though it hasn't been that great in the past,i have to believe him.Hes been so great to me and done everything he can to make it up to me,but i just need some advice,anything.i don't know what to do anymore,everything's just so screwed up.If anyone can offer any help that would be great.

 

Hes the love of my life,the most sweetest guy you could ever meet,he treats me like a princess and he means the world to me, i just cant even bare the thought of losing him.

[Ilovecake]

i was just amazed that a guy like him would want anything to do with me

 

 

Here is your #1 and biggest problem. As long as you keep thinking that about yourself you will never be in a healthy relationship and will always be taken advantage of. This guy sounds like a complete loser so I don’t see how you think you deserve him and how he bring you happiness when he does nothing but bring you misery.

 

Second problem is I can't believe you are still considering staying with this loser. Not only is he putting you in a position where you can catch a life threatening disease but he's ruining your self esteem by constantly lying and cheating and playing you for a fool. He has you wrapped around his finger so tight right now that he has no reason to stop cheating. You sure as heck have stayed with him through it all and even sounds like you yourself have made a few excuses for his abusive behavior just so you don't have to deal with the ugly truth of who he really is. People don't change their personalities, he's a liar and will always be a liar your love will not change that.

 

Sounds like you are extremely young and as an old experienced lady I can tell you that getting into a situation like that and staying will only ruin any chances you might have to ever having a healthy relationship again. This guy is going to do quite a number on your psyche and you will either never trust another human being or you will end up a doormat to every man that crosses your path. Right now you're a doormat and have been given so much proof that you refuse to believe and takes his unbelievable lies over the actual proof and then blame yourself for it. Does that sound sane to you?

 

Like I said earlier though, you need to work on your lack of self esteem first. In order to have a healthy strong relationship with anyone you need to first have confidence in who you are.

Edited May 27, 2010 by Ilovecake

[sedgwick]

Hes the love of my life,the most sweetest guy you could ever meet,he treats me like a princess

 

You mean when he's not sneaking out of bed to cheat on you? I'm sorry, but if anyone ever cheated on me ONCE, that's it, it would be over. If he treated you like a princess, you wouldn't be sitting around your house crying all day.

 

And you don't feel you DESERVE him? You're right, you don't deserve to be cheated on and lied to. You don't deserve to have your trust destroyed. Sounds like this guy doesn't deserve YOU, and the best thing you can do for your own sanity is get away from him and never speak to him again.

 

The fact that your friends dislike him to the point that they won't be around you as long as you're with him should be a major wake-up call.

[xxChemical]

Not only is he putting you in a position where you can catch a life threatening disease but he's ruining your self esteem by constantly lying and cheating and playing you for a fool.

 

Your right about that. The great thing about him was he was only with one girl and that girl was only with him, then he was with me. I recently had myself checked after i found out in November that he cheated on me and im all ok but its still so scary to think about.

 

You sure as heck have stayed with him through it all and even sounds like you yourself have made a few excuses for his abusive behavior just so you don't have to deal with the ugly truth of who he really is. People don't change their personalities, he's a liar and will always be a liar your love will not change that.

 

Iv stayed with him through everything, all the cheating,him not having work for over a year and a half,i mean im not a person who cares about money but its important when he has no gas to come see me,or his car breaks down. One thing that has always made me feel special is that with the little bit of money he has gotten hes made sure hes always bought me a birthday gift,christmas gift,anniversary gifts,i always found that sweet. I agree i have made up excuses, i use to just think well it was his first girlfriend and he was confused and upset and i have to think of his feelings too,but where was he to think about mine?I may have been the new girlfriend but im still a person.

 

Sounds like you are extremely young and as an old experienced lady I can tell you that getting into a situation like that and staying will only ruin any chances you might have to ever have a healthy relationship again. This guy is going to do quite a number on your psyche and you will either never trust another human being or you will end up a doormat to every man that crosses your path.

 

Iv just been hoping to try and fix this relationship,doing whatever i can to block the memories of what he did out of my head and start fresh,but with my cousin telling me hes still cheating and getting that e-mail its so hard.

What he did to me really screwed me up and maybe what he did isent the cause of my depression but it hasn't helped it.The worst part is is that i dont have any friends to talk to about this stuff,and obviously i cant talk to him about it because its about him,which is why iv been searching for a forum like this for a week.You are right,i am young,im only 19.

 

Like I said earlier though, you need to work on your lack of self esteem first. In order to have a healthy strong relationship with anyone you need to first have confidence in who you are.

 

Its so hard though.3-4 years ago i was on the bigger side so i began working out every day and i worked myself down to 120 and even then i had a problem where i thought i was fat. Now im 182 and i look at my old pictures and just cry and feel like an idiot.Because id do anything to become 120 again.I feel so disgusted with myself,and i try to work out and get myself in shape but i can never keep a routine:(

 

Thank you so much for such great advice:)

[sedgwick]

You are right,i am young,im only 19.

 

Oh love...I SHUDDER to think about still being with the person I loved at 19! (Whose name was, incidentally, Robby with a Y.) Oh god, I can't even imagine how miserable my life would be if we were still together.

 

I'm 20 years older than you, and I've thought several times in my life that someone was "the one," which just goes to show that there is no "one." You are only at the very beginning of your adult life, and hopefully over the next few years you'll grow so much you'll barely recognize the person you are right now. That's how it's supposed to be!

 

What do you do with your life on a day-to-day basis? Are you in college? Do you have a job? How are you able to do nothing but sit at home and isolate?

[xxChemical]

You mean when he's not sneaking out of bed to cheat on you? I'm sorry, but if anyone ever cheated on me ONCE, that's it, it would be over. If he treated you like a princess, you wouldn't be sitting around your house crying all day.

 

And you don't feel you DESERVE him? You're right, you don't deserve to be cheated on and lied to. You don't deserve to have your trust destroyed. Sounds like this guy doesn't deserve YOU, and the best thing you can do for your own sanity is get away from him and never speak to him again.

 

The fact that your friends dislike him to the point that they won't be around you as long as you're with him should be a major wake-up call.

The funny thing is, he told me if i ever cheated on me once he would be done with me.Now iv never cheated on him but the fact that he could cheat on me and say that? i find it kind of stupid.When he cheated on me i never retaliated,tried to get back at him,or even went after the girl who he went with.I feel like i have so much built up anger in me.

 

Well the thing with my friends is at first they didn't like him because he cheated on me,and when i got back together with him they completely disowned me *this was when i was in school* they turned into monsters.They alienated me,made fun of me, use to throw stuff at me. So i just thought if they could do that to me then there no good anyways and my boyfriend ended up becoming the only person in my life. I wish i could have friends again but im just so miserable,i always bring everyone down.

 

Your right that i don't deserve to be cheated on,no body deserves it. Hes just.....that special person to me and no matter what he did i kept trying to make it work.Hes promised me that November was the last time and that hes in love with me and would never hurt me again and im giving him the benefit of the doubt,giving him my trust one last time.The only thing that's bothering me now is the fact that my cousin said hes cheating on me and that he heard it from my boyfriends ex and then i got that e-mail saying hes cheating on me.

 

Now the thing about my cousin though, is hes kinda of a liar. Also he thinks im the one that ratted him out to his girlfriend that he was cheating on her *which i was* i denied it though.I couldn't watch that girl move out with him and not tell her that he was being unfaithful.So i think hes the one that wrote that e-mail trying to get back at me.

 

I just hate drama,and i wish people would just be truthful,i cant stand liars and all the people that surround me are,i cant tell what is the truth anymore.If he was really trying to help me or screw with my head:S

 

Your really sweet for writing what you did and your certainly not wrong:)

[xxChemical]

Oh love...I SHUDDER to think about still being with the person I loved at 19! (Whose name was, incidentally, Robby with a Y.) Oh god, I can't even imagine how miserable my life would be if we were still together.

 

I'm 20 years older than you, and I've thought several times in my life that someone was "the one," which just goes to show that there is no "one." You are only at the very beginning of your adult life, and hopefully over the next few years you'll grow so much you'll barely recognize the person you are right now. That's how it's supposed to be!

 

What do you do with your life on a day-to-day basis? Are you in college? Do you have a job? How are you able to do nothing but sit at home and isolate?

 

Thats so weird lol! Just wondering are you with anyone now?did you ever find anyone that was worth sharing your life with?

 

Well like i said iv been in a depression for the past year,i finally went to go see a doctor to get help and now im on medication trying to treat it.

I live with my parents,even though im 19 im a little scared to move out.I have no job, i don't go to school,i literally sit in my room all day and rot.I have no energy,and no will to do anything.I tried going back to school and i ended up quitting 3 months into it,because i couldn't do it anymore.I cant sleep at night so im on medication for that,i cant get up in the morning,i just feel so useless and tired. I spend most of my day laying in bed which is probably why i gained 60 pounds this past year.I dont understand how i let myself get this way,and it just feels like i cant get out of it.

[sedgwick]

Thats so weird lol! Just wondering are you with anyone now?did you ever find anyone that was worth sharing your life with?

 

I'm not with anyone now. Bad breakup three years ago and I'm still having trouble getting over it. Right now I'm traveling by myself through Mexico and writing my second book. I just don't want anything to do with relationships right now. However, my ex-husband (not the bad breakup) is still my soulmate and best friend. Long story why we're not together anymore, but I'm definitely still sharing my life with him!

 

I live with my parents,even though im 19 im a little scared to move out.I have no job, i don't go to school,i literally sit in my room all day and rot.I have no energy,and no will to do anything.I tried going back to school and i ended up quitting 3 months into it,because i couldn't do it anymore.I cant sleep at night so im on medication for that,i cant get up in the morning,i just feel so useless and tired. I spend most of my day laying in bed which is probably why i gained 60 pounds this past year.I dont understand how i let myself get this way,and it just feels like i cant get out of it.

 

Getting on the right medication can take a while -- believe me, I know! Hang in there. Are you in therapy as well?

 

You say you "couldn't do it anymore" with school...why not? And do you still exercise, or could you?

[xxChemical]

I'm not with anyone now. Bad breakup three years ago and I'm still having trouble getting over it. Right now I'm traveling by myself through Mexico and writing my second book. I just don't want anything to do with relationships right now. However, my ex-husband (not the bad breakup) is still my soulmate and best friend. Long story why we're not together anymore, but I'm definitely still sharing my life with him!

 

Wow traveling through Mexico and writing a book?that sounds amazing What kind of book is it? Thats great that you still have such a great relationship with your ex-husband.

 

Getting on the right medication can take a while -- believe me, I know! Hang in there. Are you in therapy as well?

 

You say you "couldn't do it anymore" with school...why not? And do you still exercise, or could you?

 

They have to switch mine because the one i was on i stopped it myself.It started making me suicidal and i was getting very worried so i got off of it and told my doctor.Im very unhealthy at the moment i have a cholesterol of 10 *which is the my doctor has ever seen in someone my age* and they just tested me for a thyroid problem so in a week she will be giving me my new medication.

 

I wasn't able to wake up to go to school,id wake up and cry like usual.When i got there i just wasn't interested,wanted to go home,i was so tired,i had no energy.Im still that way,always tired,no energy,crying every day.Im really hoping i can find a medication that will help me. Also i try to work out,but i can never keep a routine,its so hard to keep it up every day,even though i have nothing to do,i cant push myself to get up and work out all the time.Im just scared because im 182 and still gaining,and i need to work out or im going to hit 200 and my health is so bad im going to end up in the hospital.

[sedgwick]

Do you think that if you had never been with this guy you'd be as depressed as you are right now?

[xxChemical]

Do you think that if you had never been with this guy you'd be as depressed as you are right now?

 

To be honest no, After he cheated on me, everything just snowballed. Its not all his fault,yes the cheating did not help....but because i dated him my best friend of 14 years started dating a jerk and we stopped being friends,because he cheated on me and i took him back,my friends hated me, so i lost everyone.I was tortured my last year of school,didnt even want to go to grad,i didnt go to prom.My lifes been pretty ****ty but i never stop looking up.If i stop looking on the bright side,and hoping everything will be ok someday,ill have nothing left.

[sedgwick]

So he's the sweetest guy in the world and treats you like a princess, and as such being with him has incapacitated you to the point where you have no life, have lost your physical and mental health, and lie in bed crying all day. Is this what I'm hearing? What would a guy who was not sweet and treated you badly look like?

 

And why is it better to give up your whole life (before it even begins), your joy and your sanity than to lose him?

Edited May 27, 2010 by sedgwick

[jlr]

I use to keep him up until 5am every day on the computer with cam

 

Take a moment to just hear yourself say that sentence above. How absurd does it sound to you? What kind of relationship is that? You REALLY want that in your life?

 

If you can't trust someone, then there's no point.

Relationships are built on trust.

Without it, there's no hope.

Sorry, but it's true.

 

You're a young girl, you have a lot of time to find someone who loves you. This isn't love. It's a sick situation. Your self-esteem is low, and you think that no one else will love you. He knows this, and so he has the freedom to what he wants.

 

True love doesn't hurt.

 

You need to dump this *******, and then work on you. Work on loving you. If you don't love yourself, and think you don't deserve better, you won't get anything better.

 

Give it a rest already. You can do this. We're rooting for you!

[Ilovecake]

When I was your age I was living with a guy ten years older than me who toured with his band a lot. He would cheat on me relentlessly. Of course this being my first real love I assumed there has to be a good explanation for it and most likely it's something I'm doing or not doing. I took all of that onto myself, I made excuses and he kept cheating and sneaking out and lying. He would even sneak out after we fell asleep for the night.

 

I started having debilitating panic attacks that I found every excuse for but how I was being treated by him. I fell into a depression and even became agoraphobic. My self esteem took such a dive I had to be medicated for years after the relationship, just to be able to live a half way normal life. When we are treated badly by a person we love it actually changes the biology of your brain. You start to think more negatively which leads to depression, you stop enjoying things you used to love, and you become completely codependent on your abuser so that you really can’t do anything alone. It’s extremely damaging and if it goes on long enough it becomes irreversible. You’re such a pretty girl and seem very nice, don’t let him ruin your life. No man or boy is worth it. In a perfect world you should have a great life on your own and a boyfriend should just be just an addition to that great life not be your entire existence. Take good care of your heart and mind, being with this guy is not taking care of you. I assume you're too consumed by what is happening to actually think of your best interest right now.

Edited May 28, 2010 by Ilovecake

[jlr]

Yeah, I'd like to mention that if that picture is of you, you're quite good looking. I think there's probably plenty of GOOD guys who would love to be with you.