feelinggood Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 We have been together for 2.5 years, including 1 year of LDR. He went to another uni for masters when we were together for 1.5 years. We were happy and sweet until he met his new friends there. During the first few months they kept asking him to dump me. I'm not sure what's the reason but he ignored them. However, things started to change little by little since then. He started treating me colder and got irritated very fast. Few months after that he was telling me he felt like breaking up because I didn't put in much effort in the relationship (which I think is quite true, in a way). But he gave me a second chance, and I've done enough to make him satisfied. So we went on for a few more months... There was this period when he treated me very coldly, and kept going out with his friends to parties and stuff. I can feel that he's not that interested with the rship anymore. So I asked him "What if I want to break up?". He answered "I don't know, cos I'm thinking of it too." I thought for a few days and was thinking to myself, if we continue on like this he'd eventually leave me one day. So I broke up with him.. However, after just 3 days, he was with another girl. Apparently, she's one of the hottest girl in the uni and he claimed that she likes him. I was devastated when he told me that, I asked him to dump the girl and get back together with me. He rejected, reason being he couldn't dump a girl and hurt her after starting a rship with her for just a few days. I tried my best not to contact him after that. But he will still msg me, asking how am I doing, because in a way he still cares about me. I don't know what to do so I talked to my close friends. All of them asked me to move on and forget about him. But I can't. I kept looking for excuses for him. And few weeks after that he told me he just wants some wild life during his final year in uni. He knows he'll regret and he wants to regret. That's the biggest joke ever. Anyway, 2 months has passed after the break up. He still msg me quite often, and always talk about our past. And he said he misses me and the time we had together. HOWEVER, he's still with that girl. Their rship is not steady. The girl has broken up with him for more than 10 times in 2 months. I don't understand why is he still in the rship! and I don't know what is his intention to still msg me and talk about our past. So please, can anyone tell me what should I do now? I have been keeping myself busy and going out with friends. But after that I will still miss him like hell, and constantly onlining so that I can talk to him. Should I be cold to him? or be his friend, so that we might have a chance to get back together?
Cantcope Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 I think that he wants to have his wild life and still have you on the back burner for when he's ready to slow down. NC is hard as hell, but it helps so much! Since I broke NC, I'm right back to being the nervous, self-destructive lunatic I was prior. It was really hard to do...the first week or so was nearly impossible, but I held fast...for 22 days. Then I broke down...just to be a sarcastic fool. I was able to send a lengthy email after that because I figured...heck, I broke NC...I might as well say what I want to. But now I fond myself sending pathetic junk like last night. I sent "do you think about me when you are alone at night"? His reply...."yes". Made me feel great, but did it change anything? Nope. Then he went on to tell me that he saw my sexy new facebook picture and it made him stop missing me immediately. Um....ok....he's that insecure that seeing my new pic immediately makes him sure that I'm trolling for another man. No actually....I'm not. Sorry to ramble....but my point is....do NC. It SUCKS at first, but after a week or 2, you're like...."ok...I can do this". You'll be really proud of yourself. I'm sorry that you're hurt....you've come to the right place!
Author feelinggood Posted May 28, 2010 Author Posted May 28, 2010 Million thanks to your reply, Cantcope..I'm new to here, so do you mind explaining what's NC to me? i figured it should be things not to do after break up..is it? I've never been to pubs and after the break up I went with my friends. He knew about it and the other day he was kinda telling me he's not happy about it. So to double confirm i asked if he's not happy about it. He said "Oh well, I can't be unhappy about it already right? I can't control you anymore." I don't know what to reply so I just said "hm..I guess so.." After that we just continued chatting like normal. And there was once, he said he will cook for me again (he used to cook for me when I went over to his place). I said "Ok, but don't know if it tastes good or not." He said "but you used to like it? or you were lying about how good it is?" I was like "haha I don't know." He was like "You forgot...Nvm then.." I know I'm stupid..but my friend told me not to give him exact answer, make him curious and don't show him that you are still lingering in the past.. So, do I still talk to him? and flirt along when he does it? even though he's with someone else??
northstar1 Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 NC means no contact. Of any sort, phonecalls, texts, emails, myspace, twitter, facebook etc. YOu need to erase them as contacts from everything. In order to heal and detach from them emotionally, you need to cut all contact. This includes deleting them from facebook. You can't possibly heal if you are seeing their life online. And it sounds like your ex is looking to have the best of both worlds. He wants to be free to date this new girl at school, but still wants to keep you around in case it doesn't work out. Ofcourse, if you show signs of moving on, dating, he will want to stop that because it means you won't be there for him. Basically it is a selfish move on his part to keep you on the backburner. College relationships, particularly if someone is Long distance doing it, are hard to maintain and a lot don't make it because people change when they have a new environment and new people around them. People get new crushes. relationships are made and broken in a matter of weeks. people have no clue what they want, but they want the freedom to explore. I would strongly suggest you cut him off and stop talking to him. Otherwise, he will keep roping you in. You deserve more respect than that.
stillafool Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 You should have gone NC with him immediately. I know you miss him but to allow him to have contact with you while he is still dating the other "hot" girl is giving him too much power. He will never have an opportunity to really miss you if you stay in contact with him. You have to have strict NC until he makes a choice. Don't let him keep you on the back burner. Let him know you are going to move on with your life and the only way you would consider him again is after he broke up with the other girl and begs you back. Trust me, if you continue on this way you will stay in pain and have a miserable summer.
Author feelinggood Posted May 28, 2010 Author Posted May 28, 2010 Oh, thanks northstar1 for the info. I wanted to delete all sorts of contacts with him but I just couldn't. If I do so we wouldn't have second chance at all right? It's not that I must want him back, but I don't want to do anything wrong now, do you get me? Yea he's selfish but I reckon he's also confused about what he really wants. I have asked him once if I'm the back up plan for him. He said no, I have 100% freedom and I can always go find someone else. And he always ask me to get someone better. I told him about a few guys dating me, but I don't really want to go out with them. He wished me luck with them. I said I'm not that desperate, he said maybe not now, but later when I find a better one. He thought I have moved on, I have never shown how sad am I or how much I miss him when he msg me. And he saw the pictures I posted in FB, he actually thinks that Im having a very good life now. LDR is really hard to maintain if both are not committed enough. But we have plans for our future after he finished his studies. Maybe he doesnt have much trust in the plans, since I'm so tied up with my conservative family (that's what he thinks). I will try to cut off all sorts of contacts with him..but most probably I couldnt. Can I don't delete but treat him as cold as possible? I still have hope in us...Ain't I pathetic?
stillafool Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 Yea he's selfish but I reckon he's also confused about what he really wants. I have asked him once if I'm the back up plan for him. He said no, I have 100% freedom and I can always go find someone else. And he always ask me to get someone better. I told him about a few guys dating me, but I don't really want to go out with them. He wished me luck with them. I said I'm not that desperate, he said maybe not now, but later when I find a better one. Of course he isn't going to say "yeah, you are my back up plan". If he is telling you to get someone better and wishing you luck with someone new, what does that tell you? He thought I have moved on, I have never shown how sad am I or how much I miss him when he msg me. And he saw the pictures I posted in FB, he actually thinks that Im having a very good life now. I wouldn't pretend to feel one way when I feel another. That could be called "game playing". It is okay to express to him how you feel and what you want from him. Depending on his answer to your true feelings will really tell you whether you are wasting your time holding out hope for this guy. If you are playing games about how you really feel how do you expect him to act? LDR is really hard to maintain if both are not committed enough. But we have plans for our future after he finished his studies. Maybe he doesnt have much trust in the plans, since I'm so tied up with my conservative family (that's what he thinks). How do you have plans for your future when you two are broken up? I will try to cut off all sorts of contacts with him..but most probably I couldnt. Can I don't delete but treat him as cold as possible? I still have hope in us...Ain't I pathetic? You need to stop playing games as this will keep you in pain as well.
ADF Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 Consider the possibility he was involved with this new woman long before your break up. The fact he was supposedly with her just 3 days after you split sounds suspicious.
Author feelinggood Posted May 30, 2010 Author Posted May 30, 2010 Of course he isn't going to say "yeah, you are my back up plan". If he is telling you to get someone better and wishing you luck with someone new, what does that tell you? He's just being jealous I guess...I know I tricked myself into thinking that way... I wouldn't pretend to feel one way when I feel another. That could be called "game playing". It is okay to express to him how you feel and what you want from him. Depending on his answer to your true feelings will really tell you whether you are wasting your time holding out hope for this guy. If you are playing games about how you really feel how do you expect him to act? You have just knocked some sense into me. You are so true, how do I expect him to act to my foolish games? I will stop it. How do you have plans for your future when you two are broken up? We had that plans before we broke up. He said it's too uncertain and as I said earlier it's because I'm from a conservative family. He hates conservatives.. You need to stop playing games as this will keep you in pain as well. Thanks, I will stop playing games from now on and be honest with him and of course, myself.
MisterXCinderella Posted May 30, 2010 Posted May 30, 2010 So please, can anyone tell me what should I do now? I have been keeping myself busy and going out with friends. But after that I will still miss him like hell, and constantly onlining so that I can talk to him. Should I be cold to him? or be his friend, so that we might have a chance to get back together? Two Words... MOVE ON! You can thank me later.
IronMaiden Posted May 30, 2010 Posted May 30, 2010 He's just being jealous I guess...I know I tricked myself into thinking that way... You have just knocked some sense into me. You are so true, how do I expect him to act to my foolish games? I will stop it. We had that plans before we broke up. He said it's too uncertain and as I said earlier it's because I'm from a conservative family. He hates conservatives.. Thanks, I will stop playing games from now on and be honest with him and of course, myself. In doing so, please make sure you stop fawning over him, and being so passively nice. He obviously had taken up with this other girl when he was still with you, and is now clearly sleeping with her, yet continues to cruelly dangle the carrot in front of you by texting...
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