Anyone else despise their ex?

[Ilovecake]

I really thought I didn’t have feeling about him either way, thanks to complete lack of contact. However I saw the dirtbag at a bar the other day and felt red hot seething hatred. I really wanted to cause him physical harm. It wasn’t even like he looked like he was having a good time and physically I found him repulsive but I really wanted to kick him in the manjigglies. It’s weird because I get along with all my exes. I mean I’m not best friends with them but I’m pretty nonchalant, we at least say hi when we see each other. This guy just gets my blood boiling and I really wish he wouldn't.

 

Do I need to read a book about forgiveness or something?

 

Edit: And just to be clear I understand that I'm the only one that can control my feelings and that I'm doing this to myself but I don't know how to get beyond it. A little outside input would really help.

Edited May 27, 2010 by Ilovecake

[JoboF4i]

I'm right there with you, i despise my ex in everyway when i think about her. I think you feel differently about this ex versus the others because of the pain it probobly caused you when you broke up. I havent talked to my ex in 10 months even though she persists in trying to contact me because i know that if i saw her it would reopen feelings that used to make me angry and i wouldnt be civil or non chalant about it. I think the best course of action would be to continue to act like you just dont care if you run into him. If he strikes up a conversation, have a quick exit plan in your pocket so you dont turn yourself into a hand grenade right there in the bar.

[GrayClouds]

Well it is not easy when someone has wronged you. It may be helpful to try to understand the reasons for his behavior. Is he behavior motivated by inability to be open because of family issues, underdeveloped sense of self, or some childhood pain he is holding on too.

 

For his actions is no longer a act toward you but a weakness in him. If you can understand at least why he behaved so poorly to you, it does not excuses him but you may find that the anger transitions to at least pity and in time empathy.

 

And the fact is being angry at him give up controll while pity and empathy take it back. Most EXs would rather have someone angry at them, then pity them for the anger builds their ego.

[Crusoe]

Despise my ex? Yup. Didn't realise it until a couple of months ago. After nine years of no contact I bumped into her in the local shop. I couldn't even talk, just put down my basket and walked out. Until then I never knew I was capable of hate.

[Ilovecake]

I'm right there with you, i despise my ex in everyway when i think about her. I think you feel differently about this ex versus the others because of the pain it probobly caused you when you broke up. I havent talked to my ex in 10 months even though she persists in trying to contact me because i know that if i saw her it would reopen feelings that used to make me angry and i wouldnt be civil or non chalant about it. I think the best course of action would be to continue to act like you just dont care if you run into him. If he strikes up a conversation, have a quick exit plan in your pocket so you dont turn yourself into a hand grenade right there in the bar.

 

Thankfully he would never have the guts to try and talk to me.

[deux ex machina]

One thing about anger, or any strong emotion really, is how it seems to operate differently to me than our logical side. I mean, sure, we control our thoughts - as you said, "I understand that..."

 

Yet...it does seem to me that when I revise my opinion about something, using logic, and I can do that lightning fast -- yet my emotions run on a different timetable of sorts. They do change, but it's a slow burning off, rather than being able to change them on a dime.

[carhill]

Absolutely not (despise). She taught me more about women than any human in existence. I thank her daily.

[Ilovecake]

Well it is not easy when someone has wronged you. It may be helpful to try to understand the reasons for his behavior. Is he behavior motivated by inability to be open because of family issues, underdeveloped sense of self, or some childhood pain he is holding on too.

 

For his actions is no longer a act toward you but a weakness in him. If you can understand at least why he behaved so poorly to you, it does not excuses him but you may find that the anger transitions to at least pity and in time empathy.

 

And the fact is being angry at him give up controll while pity and empathy take it back. Most EXs would rather have someone angry at them, then pity them for the anger builds their ego.

 

You know it's not even the stuff that happened during the relationship, even though he was abusive towards me I knew where that stemmed from and I did feel empathy for his inability to deal with women. When we broke up, I let him go just as he asked me to, I didn't chase him. He was already with someone else (who he is now marrying) so there was no trying to salvage anything. It's all the immature stuff he did after the relationship ended. I can't get over the small fact that he told me "he didn't love me and didn't want me in his life" yet he refused to let me go. He would get so angry that I wouldn’t pay attention to him after he dumped me. After I moved he stalked me which made things very hard on me and I found out about horrible things he said to people I know about me in particular how he thinks he affected my life. He actually told folks that I was so broken up about our wonderful relationship ending that I now hate all men and am incapable of ever having another relationship and will be alone for the rest of my life. I mean when he was dumping me of course I told him I was upset but never ever did I have a conversation with him or anyone else besides my shrink and you guys about how the breakup made me feel. He was just telling people that to boost his damaged ego. He’s broken and I know that and that’s why I really want to have no feelings toward him whatsoever.

[northstar1]

I despise some of the selfish acts she committted near the end that hurt, but i don't hate her. For the most part she is a good person, just that she has some growing up to do. I did have some serious feelings of anger directed towards her at a few points post breakup (you know the one, where you lie there at night thinking of things they did and get that churning/burning feeling in your stomach) but I've tried to let it go as it does me no good to keep that inside.

 

I don't even think she realizes that some of her behavior was hurtful and juevenille, and that ofcourse is a burden she will carry into future relationships.

[supersub]

You know, I think we all go through the motions of saying we despise that person, but hatred is not the opposite of love, indifference is. I think you have to forgive them and you have to forgive yourself.

 

It takes two in any relationship for it to fail regardless of who said and did what.

 

From my experience hatred will just eat away at you.

[Nikki Sahagin]

I HAVE felt hatred for him in the past, but really the emotions I felt, as I have expressed before, became a hybridised mixture of love, hate, indifference, like, dislike, attraction, repulsion; every emotion came with its opposite. I can't see myself ever being indifferent towards him; he is quite an electrifying, magnetic person who if I bumped into, I would always 'react' to - I suppose thats the chemistry, but when I do feel a sense of 'hate', I try to let it go.

[BetterOffWithoutYou]

Well it is not easy when someone has wronged you. It may be helpful to try to understand the reasons for his behavior. Is he behavior motivated by inability to be open because of family issues, underdeveloped sense of self, or some childhood pain he is holding on too.

 

For his actions is no longer a act toward you but a weakness in him. If you can understand at least why he behaved so poorly to you, it does not excuses him but you may find that the anger transitions to at least pity and in time empathy.

 

And the fact is being angry at him give up control while pity and empathy take it back. Most EXs would rather have someone angry at them, then pity them for the anger builds their ego.

 

this is one of the best pieces of advice i have seen on LS. my anger is helping me move forward, but i don't want to to feel this way forever! i hope i really can take pity on him... that is a lot more powerful than feeling anger! AND to pity him is something he would never want bc in his mind he is so great, so DOUBLY POWERFUL. love it gray clouds...thank you!

[SadKitty78]

Thank you for starting this thread! I too thought I was getting over the Ex, it's been 6.5 weeks on, but then I was browsing an online dating site because my friend was encouraging me to join and then I see his annoying smug FACE on the site with photos of himself I TOOK, YES, PHOTOS I TOOK! and posted them on the dating site. Did he think to himself while selecting photos, "WOW MY EX TOOK GREAT PHOTOS OF ME, AND I WILL USE IT TO ATTRACT OTHER WOMEN!" He wrote about himself as if he was such a saint. I was livid and seething with anger! I have no idea why. Is it because as I was thinking about trying online dating, all I could think of was the fact that I was NOT YET READY but then I see his face all over the site ready to move on?!

 

OH I HATE HIM SO MUCH RIGHT NOW!!!! Ok breathe kitty breathe!!!!!! I think I have to go meditate or something. Whatever happened to forgiveness and compassion?! Ugh!!!!!

[Ilovecake]

I don't think I will ever feel pure pity but indifference would be my main goal.

 

My first love is a crazy, cracked out, homeless person. I used to see him panhandling by the highway exit and I didn't pity him and we weren’t even on bad terms. The only time I feel pity is when a person is in a situation where it's completely out of their hands IE death of a loved one, but if you cause your own stupidity I just can't sympathize. I wouldn’t give this ex the satisfaction of my compassion.

[Ilovecake]

I TOOK, YES, PHOTOS I TOOK! and posted them on the dating site. Did he think to himself while selecting photos, "WOW MY EX TOOK GREAT PHOTOS OF ME, AND I WILL USE IT TO ATTRACT OTHER WOMEN!"

 

Just so you know he has no legal right to use those photos. If you really wanted to get him mad email the dating site and tell them the pictures are your intellectual property and you would like them taken down because he’s using them without your consent. I'm a photographer and my ex was using photos I took of him on his facebook after we broke up. I was like “oh no he's not getting laid with those pics, especially from our vacations and special moments”. I emailed facebook and the next day he had no photos on his page. Not only did facebook send him a warning email but last time I saw his page (which was over a year a go) he had horrible blurry phone pics he took himself, with his stupid double chin all over the place. Heh! It felt good.

[SadKitty78]

Just so you know he has no legal right to use those photos. If you really wanted to get him mad email the dating site and tell them the pictures are your intellectual property and you would like them taken down because he’s using them without your consent. I'm a photographer and my ex was using photos I took of him on his facebook after we broke up. I was like “oh no he's not getting laid with those pics, especially from our vacations and special moments”. I emailed facebook and the next day he had no photos on his page. Not only did facebook send him a warning email but last time I saw his page (which was over a year a go) he had horrible blurry phone pics he took himself, with his stupid double chin all over the place. Heh! It felt good.

 

Yes, I do know this legally (I'm in the legal profession), but I didn't know it could so easily be done! I'm not a professional photographer, but I don't think it matters, but just something so sick about him getting laid from pictures from our VACATION GETAWAY PHOTOS at the beach. I could hardly even look at them and he's using them to get laid?! Disgusting!

 

Good for you! I think I may just tear a page from your playbook!

[dan_the_man]

No I don't despise my ex, got no reason to despise her.

[silverplanets]

I notice a range of emotions for my ex, ranging from love, compassion, sympathy, pity through to occasional anger, and also (a lot of the time) just indifference.

 

If I stop to analyse any one of them as it occurs (which I rarely do now) then it's normally because of a trigger that has brought back a memory.

 

Perhaps most importantly for me, whenever something like that happens - good or bad emotion, I just say hello to it, smile at how these emotions do not actually affect my thinking any more and go back to what I was doing.

 

They just seem to be the residue of having known someone.

 

In my center I am indifferent though ... I don;t wish her good or bad ... I would rather spend my brain cycles on my life or helping others.

 

Be safe

Chris

[nanana]

Ah I'd like to add to this actually! My ex, just two weeks after coldly dumping me for the first time, set up a dating profile. His main picture was one I took of him when we were on holiday together. I can remember the exact moment I took it because we'd just been kissing and saying 'i love you'. Made me sick when I saw that he used that and written underneath was 'looking for girls for flirty, fun and SEX'.

 

I never would have guessed he was capable of doing something like that. Hah, that break-up taught me SO much about who my ex really was.

 

But yep, when they use those pictures from special moments on a dating site, DESTROYS you, doesn't it?

[ADF]

Forgiveness is overrated. What the hack is so adult and mature about forgiving someone who hurts you? It's not mature. It's not even smart. And 9 times out of 10, it won't make you feel better.

 

The fact you are friendly with a number of exes show you are not by nature a hateful or vindictive person. Whatever hatred you feel for this guy, he probably earned.

[SadKitty78]

I can remember the exact moment I took it because we'd just been kissing and saying 'i love you'. Made me sick when I saw that he used that and written underneath was 'looking for girls for flirty, fun and SEX'.

 

But yep, when they use those pictures from special moments on a dating site, DESTROYS you, doesn't it?

 

Yes, because it's the thought process that disgusts me. I still can't even look at those photos and here he is, at some point (and your ex as well), sorting through these photos taken during moments of great intimacy and closeness, and not only NOT feeling anything towards us or the moment, but actually thinking, "damn i look good in these photos, probably will get me laid!"! It's so, sacrilegious! The taking of a sacred moment and defiling it - guess we must not have meant much to them in the first place!

[Ilovecake]

Forgiveness is overrated. What the hack is so adult and mature about forgiving someone who hurts you? It's not mature. It's not even smart. And 9 times out of 10, it won't make you feel better.

 

The fact you are friendly with a number of exes show you are not by nature a hateful or vindictive person. Whatever hatred you feel for this guy, he probably earned.

 

He deserves it but I hate feeling it. As much as I avoid seeing and talking to him sometimes is inevitable that we run into each other. When I see him I get so mad it ruins my mood for the day.

[nowomanocry]

Probably he dumped you that why you are so angry with him???

[Ilovecake]

No that's not why I'm angry with him. I already explained why I'm angry with him. These days I'm glad he dumped me. Either way my problem isn't why I'm angry my problem is how to stop being angry.