AlwaysConflicted Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 My ex-girlfriend of 4 months broke up with me on the phone 1 week ago and said, "she wanted a few weeks to sort things out in her head and see a therapist and for me to take the time to reflect on my life and take care of myself". We both loved each other very much and told each other frequently. I'm 30 and she's 29. I'm not even entirely sure why she broke up with me. I was supposed to go on a small day trip with her and her parents, but I canceled the day before because of an argument we had. That was the "straw that broke the camels back" and what led into the break up conversation. I know I made the mistake of not going, but she said she'd invite her sister and it wasn't a problem. To be honest, she actually told me she didn't want to go on the trip herself, but I guess she felt obligated by her parents. I'm falling apart without her. Do I wait exactly 3 weeks and then call her? or do I have to wait for her to call me? I've been no contact for 7 days now. I'm concerned that if too much time passes, she will get over me entirely. Her birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks and I'm not sure if I should send her flowers, or a card, or a text message or a phone call. It falls in the window of the 3 weeks of space she wanted. Do girls actually want all this space? or is it a test? I already sent apology flowers, wrote her an email, and left a sincere voice mail 7 days ago. She responded to everything except the voice mail because I'm assuming she didn't respond because she asked for space. Please help, I miss her so much my heart hurts.
GrayClouds Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 My ex-girlfriend of 4 months broke up with me on the phone 1 week ago and said, "she wanted a few weeks to sort things out in her head and see a therapist and for me to take the time to reflect on my life and take care of myself". We both loved each other very much and told each other frequently. I'm 30 and she's 29. I'm not even entirely sure why she broke up with me. I was supposed to go on a small day trip with her and her parents, but I canceled the day before because of an argument we had. That was the "straw that broke the camels back" and what led into the break up conversation. I know I made the mistake of not going, but she said she'd invite her sister and it wasn't a problem. To be honest, she actually told me she didn't want to go on the trip herself, but I guess she felt obligated by her parents. I'm falling apart without her. Do I wait exactly 3 weeks and then call her? or do I have to wait for her to call me? I've been no contact for 7 days now. I'm concerned that if too much time passes, she will get over me entirely. Her birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks and I'm not sure if I should send her flowers, or a card, or a text message or a phone call. It falls in the window of the 3 weeks of space she wanted. Do girls actually want all this space? or is it a test? I already sent apology flowers, wrote her an email, and left a sincere voice mail 7 days ago. She responded to everything except the voice mail because I'm assuming she didn't respond because she asked for space. Please help, I miss her so much my heart hurts. Really sorry for your loss. Most likely this is more about her then you or anything you did and that those "few weeks" she requested was to make it easier to walk away then tell you that it is over. While it is counter-intuitive you need to behave believing that it is over. There is nothing positive you can do that is going to affect her decision. Your concern of her getting over you entirely if you do not remain in contact is unfounded She can only miss you if your not there. IF you are you will just be reminding her of why she wanted to end it. Again everything in your body will disagree but read the following and do as it directs, it is the best advice your going to get for your situation: So you want a second chance? It does get easier, and as hard as it is keep the focus on you not what you feel you lost.
Author AlwaysConflicted Posted May 27, 2010 Author Posted May 27, 2010 Thank you for your response. I think I'm still in denial that we broke up. I thought we were perfect for each other. According to that link you sent me, I am supposed to completely be in NO CONTACT with my ex. I'm a pretty nice guy, I feel awful ignoring her birthday entirely. Then again, maybe I should ask myself what I'm trying to do by reaching out to her on her birthday. I guess I'd be using it as a means to talk to her. Ugh, no contact is hard and I hate that she did this on the phone. I should have just said "wait, I'm coming over, let's talk about it in person" but I was just so annoyed at the time that I just accepted it on the phone. OR maybe I could have averted this whole disaster by going on the day trip. I blame myself. A day after the phone break up all my tears came and I felt awful. In some ways I pushed her into the break up. When she called she started off with "I'm disappointed about the day trip" and I'm not sure this is working." Then she started to list things about our past that she felt were negative but were NOT negative at the time. Almost like she was revising history to make her breakup seem rational. I told her I couldn't handle being insulted on the phone if she wanted to break up, just do it. I can't handle the negative abuse. Then we said goodbye. And like I said, the next day, I was just in tears. Miss her so much. It took me a day to digest everything fully. I don't want to ignore her birthday, but maybe I should? I love this girl and she said she loved me. I bet her friends are telling her to keep away from me. I can just imagine it. Should I ignore her birthday? should I contact her in a few weeks because that's what she asked for? If I ignore her forever, I basically remove any chance of ever getting back together with her.
GrayClouds Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 It is not a test it about finding a "nice" way to walk away. It hurts and that is why you need to focus on you. None of this is about something you should have done differently. You may have offer an opportunity for her to break up but she already had her reasons long before that opportunity presented itself. That is why she was caring a shopping list of negatives. Most likely she was already pulling away weeks before this happen. And I hate to say but I suspect she already has an eye on someone else. Do not contact her about the birthday. She has already told you by her behavior that she does not care if you part of it. I know that feel harsh to hear but go back and re-read that. Remember it is her behavior that is communication her thoughts. So if SHE has not come to YOU and tells you she want to do work it out, you already know her answer there is no need to contact her. You state your a nice guy. I suspect your the type that almost always puts others ahead of yourself, at least those you care for. That is why NC is going to be extra difficult for you, because your a kind person who thinks about others feelings and is generally rewarded by doing so. But you can not do it here, you need to put your feeling first. It is time to protect your self, keep from hurting any more then you have to, and giving yourself the space to grieve the loss of the relationship and the opportunity to grow. I suspect it feels unnatural to you but is important that you do. Again Re-read that thread I gave you on the previous post.
northstar1 Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 Do not contact her about the birthday. She has already told you by her behavior that she does not care if you part of it. I know that feel harsh to hear but go back and re-read that. Remember it is her behavior that is communication her thoughts. So if SHE has not come to YOU and tells you she want to do work it out, you already know her answer there is no need to contact her. . i really need to point out how much this stood out for me. my ex's birthday is coming up in the near future and although it will be hard, i won't send her anything. she's made a clear choice that she doesn't want me in her life, so why would i send her something??? don't do it.
Author AlwaysConflicted Posted May 27, 2010 Author Posted May 27, 2010 Yes, I guess if I'm being analytical about it, the birthday gesture seems like a nice way to make contact. Almost like a rational excuse. But you're right, why send anything if she doesn't want me? Some of her emails sound like the door is still open. A to be continued in a few weeks type of thing. The thing is, my ex is an alien when it comes to handling life situations. She's very naive and sheltered. With most of my other ex's I would totally agree and just give up. This one is different. It wouldn't shock me if she called me tomorrow out the blue to talk. However, I guess the bigger issue is me. I can't wait around for anything to happen or not happen. I have a tendency to dwell in misery. Maybe its a twisted love of sadness. Who knows? The other thing I've been able to analyze is that even if she does come back to me or gives me a second chance I'm in no condition to change. She has all the power right now and I have none. This relationship will only work if we have an equal amount. I guess the bottom line is that I should just go work on myself for a while and stop obsessing about her.
GrayClouds Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 I guess the bottom line is that I should just go work on myself for a while and stop obsessing about her. It is very sad but your words are so very true. Allow yourself to grieve and work through the pain but push yourself past it by doing that work. If you do no matter what happens you will be a happier person for it.
sedgwick Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 (edited) If she has asked for space, and you have disrespected that by sending flowers and emails and so forth, you're showing that you don't care what she wants, you only care what YOU want. This is not a way to bring someone back! If a person says they want space, give it. Give them all the space they need, as if you never existed -- just fall off the face of the earth. This is the ONLY thing that might even possibly bring them back, and if it doesn't, then you haven't lost any of your self-respect. The "birthday contact" thing...whew. That one seems to come up like every third post here on LS. It's a very easy answer: if the other person left, NO, they don't get to hear from you on their birthday! Here's the analogy I always think of when people post the whole birthday conflict thing: let's say you got fired from a job. Would you send your ex-boss a birthday text? Of course not!! So if you've been fired from being someone's significant other, why would you make contact? People always say it's to be friendly, to show there are no hard feelings, etc, etc, but the truth is it's to remind them you're out there pining for them and try to make them want you back. Again: it's not about her and what she might want, it's about YOU and what YOU want. If things are already this complicated after four months, are you sure she's the right person for you? Four months should still be the honeymoon period -- you should still just be getting to know each other! Edited May 28, 2010 by sedgwick
Author AlwaysConflicted Posted May 29, 2010 Author Posted May 29, 2010 I appreciate all the advice. It's nice to get an outside perspective. I will definitely give her the space that she asked for. Maybe her therapist will give her some insight. It's so silly though, we didn't even break up over a big incident. I'm not even sure why we really broke up anymore. I'd love to get some closure. I highly doubt it was another man. She's much too conservative for that type of thing. I honestly think we were so similar that we brought out each others worst traits. I don't necessarily agree with the above post that 4 months is too early to have complications. Some relationships start off smooth and go horribly wrong later on because none of the big issues were hashed out in the beginning. We are both "talkers" so we analyzed everything to death which is why we had so many arguments/debates. Some of you would consider them healthy debates and others might look at them as arguments. I'm guessing my ex looked at them as arguments. I asked a previous ex what she thought and she didn't think I was argumentative. I think we rushed the seriousness of our relationship. We also "tested" each other all the time. What will he do if I say this? Or what will she say if I do that? It was like we both had a check list for a potential marriage partner. I think we forgot that this was supposed to be fun. We just sized each other up in every category. She said she wanted to get married and have kids in the next year or so. I didn't mind, I'm sort of at that point as well. Truthfully, I'd love to take her out for a cup of tea and just relax. Nothing heavy, just enjoy the tea. However, I don't see it happening. My ex has the same opinion as the above post. That opinion being that 4 months is too early to have complications. She thinks we should be smiling 24/7 and holding hands until the sun sets every day. It's a nice picture, but life needs to fit in there. Happiness is fleeting, just like everything else. Life is comprised of moments, some good and some bad. Maybe she's an idealist when it comes to relationships. I'm not advocating that one should settle. I would never in a million years settle. I know that we both liked each other a lot. In fact, we both said we loved each other. I also think she wants a caretaker. A father type figure to pay for everything, drive her everywhere and fix everything. Whereas I want a partner, a teammate to experience life with. We both come from the same exact background so I didn't think this would be an issue. I guess we want different things, but I know we both liked each other a lot and I think the breakup occurred for the wrong reasons and was way too soon. This entire circumstance seems illogical on so many levels.
GrayClouds Posted May 29, 2010 Posted May 29, 2010 Yes you are a thinker. though logic during a break-up is like sex during the birthing process, it is great before and after but right in the thick of it, it has little use. Understand the we create our own closure, as much as we would like the other to, is simple does not happen. Question do not lead to answer but to more questions. Hang in there, it does get better.
Author AlwaysConflicted Posted May 29, 2010 Author Posted May 29, 2010 logic during a break-up is like sex during the birthing process, it is great before and after but right in the thick of it, it has little use. I like that analogy. I guess I'm just venting, trying to understand what went wrong. And having no contact with her for over 9 days just makes me more sad and confused. I think I had some false hope for a while, but now it's becoming clear that for whatever reason she didn't think our relationship was "the one". I just hate that it was my decision to not go on the day trip with her and that was the final straw. It's like I asked for this breakup without saying the actual words. I realize that one act is not enough to break up with someone over, but if I just would have gone, maybe things would have moved in a different direction. Shoulda, woulda, coulda... I have a lot of regret.
GrayClouds Posted May 29, 2010 Posted May 29, 2010 I like that analogy. I guess I'm just venting, trying to understand what went wrong. And having no contact with her for over 9 days just makes me more sad and confused. I think I had some false hope for a while, but now it's becoming clear that for whatever reason she didn't think our relationship was "the one". I just hate that it was my decision to not go on the day trip with her and that was the final straw. It's like I asked for this breakup without saying the actual words. I realize that one act is not enough to break up with someone over, but if I just would have gone, maybe things would have moved in a different direction. Shoulda, woulda, coulda... I have a lot of regret. Regret is pure ego. It a way to tell yourself you were in complete control of the world, that simple by your behavior you could control her thoughts, feelings, and behavior. Not going may have been the straw but the reality is there was 1000 pounds of hay on the horse already. Understand if not this straw, another stem was coming. She had already left you, she was just looking for a reason. Likey you would have went and the fight woudl have been there. Here is another analogy, the landslide had already started, no matter what direction you choose, the realtionship was heading down hill. Stop the would of, should of, could of's and start the going to's. Start by writing a list of all the things about the girl that made her less the perfect...everything from inability to let things go to her ugly toes, write it all .... she was not perfect, remind yourself of that. It takes two to make a realtionship work. Last analogy(for now), one hand can not clap.
IronMaiden Posted May 30, 2010 Posted May 30, 2010 I agree with the others. That one straw would have been followed by many more, had you gone. Someone who breaks up with you on the phone certainly does not deserve any acknowledgement on her birthday.. I have to agree with your other ex, that it sounds like there was way too much acrimony too soon in this relationship. Doesn't bode well. None of this helps you feel better, but it is what it is.
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