Cantcope Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 Broke NC last week in an email at work. He emailed me about something, and I had to come back with some sarcastic crap and make myself look like a fool. So, we ended up texting eachother for a few nights and I got what seemed to be my "closure" email. Yet, I still kept going back for more....just wanting to talk to him. It's amazing how once you break NC, it is SO damn hard to go back. He ended up calling me drunk as can be on Friday night. He was driving and was lost. Stupid me, I sit on the phone with him while he finds his way home. Hearing about how he doesn't have anything to live for anymore, should just end it all, etc. He tends to get a bit dramatic when he's drunk. He says he's home, I tell him to be safe, and within 5 minutes he's pounding on my door. I let him in like a fool. He sits on my bed staring at me. Telling me that he really does love me, misses me, and thinks I should pinch him because he MUST be dreaming....BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. I bought it. I slept with him....twice. Next day I had to leave the house, woke him and told him to get out! He sent me a text later that he shouldn't have called and he was an a**hole. Yea....really? Can't blame him for the sex, he didn't rape me, what hurts is that the words, they were just drunk crap! That night when I was with him, I wondered to myself what I ever saw in this drunk jerk. He was never very nice to me, and seriously...how immature can you be? So please....PLEASE tell me....WHY am I still texting him every night? WHY am I still addicted? He tells me when he's sober that he misses me every day, lost his lover and best friend in the world, can't sleep at night, etc., but says that it doesn't change that we don't work as a couple. I don't know if he's trying to convince me...or himself of that! Please, I know that you are reading this, and may just close the page and move on, but take a second to reply, please.... I need support now. Starting over at day 1 again is really hard for me. I can't go through this again, yet I keep telling him over and over again that I hope one day he will come back and that I'm leaving the "door of opportunity" open for him. HOW F*CKING PATHETIC CAN I BE? MY MOTHER WOULD BE ASHAMED OF ME!
Ronni_W Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 Hey. No, you're not pathetic. And I can't speak for how your mom would be feeling about you but...my mom? Some stuff I've done she can't understand it; and most of the stuff I've done, she is as proud of me as is possible. Maybe your mom's more like my mom? Maybe she wouldn't understand some of what you do...but that's way different than being ashamed for you. Right? So please....PLEASE tell me....WHY am I still texting him every night? WHY am I still addicted? Cos addictions are really hard to break is why. Even though we know the 'substance' is really not good for us, we're still getting something out of it...some kind of 'high' that we actually enjoy experiencing. So, one thing you could try to figure out is what are you still getting out of it? Like really, truly, deeply getting out of it. Maybe you'll find that it's something important...or maybe you'll find that you kinda really are not as addicted as your habit of texting is leading you to believe. If it's important, then the work is around finding healthier, more self-affirming ways of getting those needs met. That's another struggle all by itself, so you'll need your own love, kindness and compassion, and your commitment to yourself that you're going to be actively looking for "healthy, self-affirming and inspirational" for your life experiences, rather than the opposite. You TOTALLY deserve and are worthy of "healthy, self-affirming and inspirational"! Hugs, and best.
Author Cantcope Posted May 27, 2010 Author Posted May 27, 2010 Thank you for replying!!! I just feel like I could really use some inspiration right now. I appreciate you takin ght etime to send some my way.
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