So I did it...

[freckles3131]

I sent him a "Happy Birthday" text.

 

We will have to run into each other at a wedding party next month.

I wanted to take some of the "edge" off the animousity

I want to be cordial and mature about things when this happens.

I don't want him to think I am still pining away for him, quite the contrary.

I'm at a place where I see his hand in the demise of our relationship and realize he did me a favor by ending it.

I need to be with someone who is honest and forthright.

When we broke up last time (for 2 years) we would still take each other out to lunch/dinner as friends even when we were seeing other people.

We would still buy one another a gift.

This time.....he got a simple text. (which I think sent a pretty strong message as we have not missed a birthday together in 10 years.)

The message said:

"Happy Birthday. I hope today brings you all the good things life has to offer and good things in the year to come"

 

He didn't reply.

I didn't expect him to.

I think even though he is the one to end it, it was a difficult thing and painful for him to do.(He cried much more when we broke up than I even did....)

So......knowing him as I do for 10 years, I think by me just sending a text and nothing more was definitely hard on him, but.....it will give me and HIM closure.....he now knows I am not going to be "there" for him as that friend, like before when we broke up. (and I don't expect him to be "there" for me again...as friends) We need to let each other go....

 

I will tell people that the advice to not send birthday wishes is good advice....esp if you have "hope" they will respond, or you still want them back. It would be a HUGE step backwords in your healing, so sending a birthday message is not for the faint of heart. You need to be at a certain point in your recovery before you can handle it.

Edited May 27, 2010 by freckles3131

[ginyi1111]

thanks for this.

 

my ex's bday was earlier this month and i have been wondering if i had sent a birthday msg he would have realised that i still love him...and maybe he would come back to me??

 

but i suppose i did the right thing by not doing anything...

[Nikki Sahagin]

I sent an ex to wish my ex a good summer travelling. There is no harm breaking NC if your head is right. If you are texting or communicating with them because its for YOU rather than for them and you have zero expectations, either for a response or any kind of to-ing and fro-ing, then it can be a liberating thing. Its bad however if you're obsessing about their reaction, their silence or expecting more to arise from the text.

[freckles3131]

Right.

I almost feel even more liberated.

Like, okay I got over the last hump.

I rose above it.

I was cordial and not mean, did what I would do for most aquaintences and sent a quick b-day text.

The difficulty for some folks is this.....The analyzing.

I could (or anyone could) analyze his not responding every which way to Sunday.

i.e He must hate me

He might be hurt that is all I did for him on his birthday

It made him sad.

It made him mad.

He doesn't care about me

He does care about me and is disapointed that is all he got.

etc..etc..etc...

So if you can send it to be able to say to yourself, "I don't want to hold onto anger, resentment, hurt, bitterness anymore because it's vexacious to my spirit. I am a good soul and this person was in my life and I would like to wish them the best on their birthday and here on forth, and we can both move on" then go for it.

BUT..........

be very careful, if you aren't at least 99% over it and have zero expections then DON'T send it.

Here's the other thing....

I have released myself from trying to figure out what happened, what's he thinking, what does it all mean, what did I do, what did he do, what did we do wrong etc.....

The analyzing is so poisonous to our souls.

People have different perspectives in life so if you think about things you might think from your perspective, "Well, if it were me I would feel/think a,b, or c"

Then you go ask a friend.

They say, "Well if it were me, I would feel......" (and this could be totally different than what you feel or thought"

Then you go to yet another friend, and another and they all have different points of views or some the same, some different and the wheels keep on turning......

Let it go.

Let go trying to figure it out.

You won't be able to.

Tell yourself

"I CAN DO BETTER!" "I DESERVE SOMEONE IN MY LIFE WHO WILL ADORE ME"

"I DON'T NEED SOMEONE IN MY LIFE WHO I HAVE TO READ THE SIGNS, FIGURE OUT, ANALYZE HOW THEY FEEL"

"I NEED TO BE WITH SOMEONE WHO THERE IS NO QUESTION HOW THEY FEEL ABOUT ME"

 

YES!

[cdt76]

I didn't send or receive any birthday wishes. I took the final step and closed my myspace account. No revelation here. Still angry.

[sedgwick]

I sent an ex to wish my ex a good summer travelling. There is no harm breaking NC if your head is right.

 

NOOOOOO...you did NOT text him that!!! Seriously?!! Nikki...your head is TOTALLY not right about this! Why are you giving away your pride to this guy?

[Ilovecake]

Just so you gals know that when the exs get these kind of messages and they don't responde they are either (a)laughing at you for being a weak individual, (b)getting pissed that you're being a pest or ©inflating their own egos thinking they're so great no matter how badly they treat you you will still be there for them as their personal doormat. Either way you might think you're OK enough to do this but just the fact that you are doing it and making really really dumb excuses for it shows that you are absolutely the furthest thing from OK. If you were OK you wouldn't need to lie to yourselves nor would you need to text message them at all. They told you they don't want you in their lives yet you refuse to believe that and keep pushing that away and making up your own stories. They don’t care about your happy birthdays and good wishes because they did the smart thing and moved on with their lives.

Edited May 28, 2010 by Ilovecake

[freckles3131]

Kind of a bit harsh, but I guess sometimes we need to hear a little "tough love"

For me, it's only been a month since we broke and we were together 10 years....that's a long time to have someone in your life daily and to have to wrap you mind around not speaking to at all.

It's not easy and I know I'm trying, but will have moments where I will relapse...

[Ilovecake]

I'm not being harsh at all it's just reality which isn't as pretty as the fantasies we make up to protect ourselves from the bad world. Even you just came to the reality on your own that it’s only been a month, you have a ways to go when yesterday at 8"05 am you were saying you’re OK and can deal with texting him. It’s going to take work and time and more work. You have been broken and you need to put yourself back together but as long as you keep allowing this person to keep breaking you it will keep hurting.

[sedgwick]

Just so you gals know that when the exs get these kind of messages and they don't responde they are either (a)laughing at you for being a weak individual, (b)getting pissed that you're being a pest or ©inflating their own egos thinking they're so great no matter how badly they treat you you will still be there for them as their personal doormat.

 

YES. This, exactly. I had an ex come back into my world via the internet a couple of years ago. We were together in high school and our first year of college, and I broke up because he was so insanely jealous, and got FURIOUS with me if I wanted to go out with friends. After the breakup, he wouldn't leave me alone, and it got to the point where I was completely repulsed by him. He dropped out of the college we attended and transferred to another school, and I was supremely glad.

 

Well, when he got back in touch, after not having seen each other for almost 20 years, he was in a relationship and seemed much more stable, so I chatted with him a bit via email. Then he wrote me one day and told me he'd broken up with his gf because he'd always been in love with me, and started trying to convince me to either move back to our redneck hometown (where he still lives), travel the world with him, or allow him to come to NYC. I was completely freaked out and went immediate NC. He continued to email me for six months, sending me pictures of himself, telling me he'd seen a picture of a girl I disliked in college and that she'd gotten really fat and ugly (I could not possibly care less, it was 20 YEARS AGO), asking me to sponsor him for some charity walk he was doing, etc etc. Then he sent me a friend request on facebook. I kept ignoring, thinking he'd eventually get the picture, and feeling more freaked out and angry the more he continued to contact me. I mean, I'm also totally in love with someone who doesn't love me back, but I respect his desire not to have me in his life. I sent him a text after he dumped me and he didn't respond, and I never tried again, because I REFUSE to humiliate myself further.

 

So yeah, I ended up blocking the annoying ex from email and fb because he was driving me nuts not getting the picture. I wasn't laughing at him or getting my ego fed, I was just annoyed as hell and wondering why he didn't have any pride.

Edited May 28, 2010 by sedgwick

[Nikki Sahagin]

NOOOOOO...you did NOT text him that!!! Seriously?!! Nikki...your head is TOTALLY not right about this! Why are you giving away your pride to this guy?

 

Well...the way I see it, pride is a very deadly sin and comes before a fall. It made me feel better in myself as a person to wish him well. It had been bothering me because I felt it was petty. Yes he hurt me...but he is young and only human and people have forgiven much worse. I'll never forget and my head may not be 100% right but I didn't regret the text - I felt liberated and I felt strongly I was a good, nice and kind person and I was proud of myself for that.

[Nikki Sahagin]

Just so you gals know that when the exs get these kind of messages and they don't responde they are either (a)laughing at you for being a weak individual, (b)getting pissed that you're being a pest or ©inflating their own egos thinking they're so great no matter how badly they treat you you will still be there for them as their personal doormat. Either way you might think you're OK enough to do this but just the fact that you are doing it and making really really dumb excuses for it shows that you are absolutely the furthest thing from OK. If you were OK you wouldn't need to lie to yourselves nor would you need to text message them at all. They told you they don't want you in their lives yet you refuse to believe that and keep pushing that away and making up your own stories. They don’t care about your happy birthdays and good wishes because they did the smart thing and moved on with their lives.

 

But what does it matter if they care? If it makes you feel better? Some people may be deluding themselves (thats a personal issue) but depending on how YOU feel, it isn't necessarily wrong. If you're sending a message for your benefit because it liberates or helps you, then whats to regret? We have 1 life to say what we want to say and do what we want to do. Any one of us could die tomorrow. And that is how I see life. I don't believe bottling up emotions, blocking off what you want to say and misdirecting it into other avenues can help. It doesn't mean that you and the ex will become friends, or even that you'll find any resolution or 'ending' but that shouldn't be the expectation. We have the freedom of speech, if there's something you need to say because its your truth, say it. Obviously not in every case. But why regret what you DO? I believe you can only regret what you didn't do. If you communicate with an ex NOT to get them back or beg or abuse them, but just to be a kind person by your own standards, that is nothing to regret, whether they reply, laugh at you or ignore you. It really doesn't matter what they do, its what YOU do. If you contact and ex with an expectation or a hope, then that may not be right, but even then, thats for the individual to decide. Sometimes by not breaking NC people are allowing unresolved words, thoughts, feelings and possible resolutions to go to waste. It depends on your ex, your relationship and what is best for you to move forward. In fact, breaking NC can sometimes help move you forward.

[sedgwick]

But what does it matter if they care? If it makes you feel better?

 

Knowing I've given up my pride and that I'm driving someone further away doesn't make me feel better, it makes me feel embarrassed and weak. But if it doesn't make you feel that way, then I suppose it's okay.

[mickleb]

But what does it matter if they care? If it makes you feel better? Some people may be deluding themselves (thats a personal issue) but depending on how YOU feel, it isn't necessarily wrong. If you're sending a message for your benefit because it liberates or helps you, then whats to regret? We have 1 life to say what we want to say and do what we want to do. Any one of us could die tomorrow. And that is how I see life. I don't believe bottling up emotions, blocking off what you want to say and misdirecting it into other avenues can help. It doesn't mean that you and the ex will become friends, or even that you'll find any resolution or 'ending' but that shouldn't be the expectation. We have the freedom of speech, if there's something you need to say because its your truth, say it. Obviously not in every case. But why regret what you DO? I believe you can only regret what you didn't do. If you communicate with an ex NOT to get them back or beg or abuse them, but just to be a kind person by your own standards, that is nothing to regret, whether they reply, laugh at you or ignore you. It really doesn't matter what they do, its what YOU do. If you contact and ex with an expectation or a hope, then that may not be right, but even then, thats for the individual to decide. Sometimes by not breaking NC people are allowing unresolved words, thoughts, feelings and possible resolutions to go to waste. It depends on your ex, your relationship and what is best for you to move forward. In fact, breaking NC can sometimes help move you forward.

 

How about actively learning to stop thinking about them, instead?

 

Then, rather than 'bottling up' your kind words (there are friends/therapists/diaries/blogs/LS etc if you don't want to bottle them up, of course) you can save them, instead, for someone who actually wants to hear them.

 

Itching the scab can make you feel good, for a little bit, until you make it bleed again. Which you, Nikki, inevitably do.

 

x

 

P.S. Sending messages to someone who obviously doesn't give a $hit about you, isn't 'kind' - it's dumb. Be kind to an old lady who could use it, or something. Stop wasting everyone's time.

Edited May 30, 2010 by mickleb
Hadn't been harsh enough.

[Nikki Sahagin]

Knowing I've given up my pride and that I'm driving someone further away doesn't make me feel better, it makes me feel embarrassed and weak. But if it doesn't make you feel that way, then I suppose it's okay.

 

Firstly I don't believe anyone can give up pride through one action, everyone makes 'mistakes' and pride can be lost and regained endlessly throughout life. Secondly, its all in your perception. A lot of people place NC on a pedestal almost as though it is a God and they punish themselves for a slip-up. If you are grovelling around an ex and begging for them and not leaving them alone or continuously contacting them - then you are losing your pride, but to extend best wishes because you feel its the right thing to do, is not about a loss of pride. If you feel embarrassed and weak because of that, I would suggest you are beating yourself up too harshly.

[Nikki Sahagin]

How about actively learning to stop thinking about them, instead?

 

Then, rather than 'bottling up' your kind words (there are friends/therapists/diaries/blogs/LS etc if you don't want to bottle them up, of course) you can save them, instead, for someone who actually wants to hear them.

 

Itching the scab can make you feel good, for a little bit, until you make it bleed again. Which you, Nikki, inevitably do.

 

x

 

P.S. Sending messages to someone who obviously doesn't give a $hit about you, isn't 'kind' - it's dumb. Be kind to an old lady who could use it, or something. Stop wasting everyone's time.

 

Its funny how aggressive some people can be on this site, just because you disagree with another user. Yes we are all here looking for help, and also to give it, but having a differing perception doesn't mean you are wasting peoples time.

 

What you have to consider is peoples personal situations. Not EVERY ex is a heartless, cruel monster. This isn't even about my situation with my ex, but more each persons individual case. Some people CAN speak with their exes and extend kind words. If they decide to or not, is up to them, once they evaluate the situation.

 

I don't think in my personal case, sending one best wishes text to my ex, diminishes me in any way. I would feel quite frankly petty to not wish him well. And I am actively living life, but a text is hardly an interruption of that life.

[mickleb]

You are wasting your time and his.

 

And rather than 'diminish' you, continuing to focus on him will, most likely bother you again, in the future.

 

Try not doing it. Do both him and yourself a favour.

 

OR

 

Post your 'I don't care, I am just a mature, sweet person who likes to break NC' posts and then don't EVER post another saying you're upset it's over again.

 

Either way, I'm happy.

 

Apologies if this seems aggressive. I don't feel aggressive at all. Just a little rolly-eyed.

 

Take care.

 

x

[GrayClouds]

Its funny how aggressive some people can be on this site, just because you disagree with another user. Yes we are all here looking for help, and also to give it, but having a differing perception doesn't mean you are wasting peoples time.

 

What you have to consider is peoples personal situations. Not EVERY ex is a heartless, cruel monster. This isn't even about my situation with my ex, but more each persons individual case. Some people CAN speak with their exes and extend kind words. If they decide to or not, is up to them, once they evaluate the situation.

 

I don't think in my personal case, sending one best wishes text to my ex, diminishes me in any way. I would feel quite frankly petty to not wish him well. And I am actively living life, but a text is hardly an interruption of that life.

 

 

Your missing to point it not about them being heartless or not. The point is about YOU and doing what you need to so you can heal. Just because something makes you feel better, that in itself is not a good reason to do something.

 

There are healthy actions and unhealthy actions one can take to feel better. Going out and getting drunk does feel good but is it conducive to healing, No. Contacting EX is not either.

 

Nikki you been struggling with healing for awhile now. Can you see that possible behavior like this may be one reason. Even one text can be a interruption in healing.

[sedgwick]

Firstly I don't believe anyone can give up pride through one action, everyone makes 'mistakes' and pride can be lost and regained endlessly throughout life. Secondly, its all in your perception. A lot of people place NC on a pedestal almost as though it is a God and they punish themselves for a slip-up. If you are grovelling around an ex and begging for them and not leaving them alone or continuously contacting them - then you are losing your pride, but to extend best wishes because you feel its the right thing to do, is not about a loss of pride. If you feel embarrassed and weak because of that, I would suggest you are beating yourself up too harshly.

 

I think you want to justify the fact that you did this, but you don't have to justify anything to me. My ex knows I love him because I told him that when he walked out the door; I don't feel he needs any more of my "best wishes." He didn't treat me well the last time he spoke to me, so to attempt to speak to him at all would, yes, make me feel a lack of pride in myself. It's not about beating myself up, it's about proving to myself that I'm strong. If it works differently for you, so be it.

[Nikki Sahagin]

I appreciate the differences in opinion and i'm not going to fight to convince people that the way I see it is the correct way. I still believe it is an individual thing. But for me, breaking NC for that one text, helped me a lot. My ex has left now for a long time and that was my goodbye. Maybe he didn't deserve one, maybe he wont care, maybe its 'dumb', but for me, it made me feel better, so I have no regrets for sending the text.

[mickleb]

Just convince us that you're actually healing, moving on, not bothered about him and there will be no debate whatsoever, Nikki.

 

Take care.

 

x

[Nikki Sahagin]

Just convince us that you're actually healing, moving on, not bothered about him and there will be no debate whatsoever, Nikki.

 

Take care.

 

x

 

But I don't have to 'convince' anyone of that. My healing may take me a long time (its been a year) and I have my moments of feeling preoccupied by him, but I have let go of hope, I know we are over. I've had to let go of the tense, controlling, obsessive monster that I became when I thought of him. But I still think of him and really...I don't know what I feel about him, as i've explained before. I'm not indifferent to him because he was my best friend as well as my first in everything, but I don't feel anything too strongy for him either, its almost like its all behind glass, all very far away. When I feel things its for who he was, not for who he is, its for the friend that I knew all that time ago. Thats the part I may not ever get over, the loss of the friendship.

 

However, in that moment of the text, all I thought and felt was 'this will make me feel better. I have no expectations, I have no motivations or intentions - I just really have to say this for me.' I had a niggling feeling of pettiness and guilt and the text alleviated that. He later text back (2 days later) and I did not respond.

 

I realise I just said I don't need to convince anyone and then attempted to... ....but I do genuinely feel i've let the relationship go. I know thats not coming back, I don't even want him back how he is now. But I do miss the friendship we had before all the other stuff got in the way. That is harder for me. However, even in feeling that, I am doing my best to heal and move on and i'm getting there.

[mickleb]

If you have said 'goodbye', finally, that is good. Acceptance is the hardest part of this process.

 

Although it is natural that you would miss someone you invested so much of yourself into, you understand that this is the part you now need to work on?

 

You can train yourself to not allow him to hurt you any longer. You can recognise that he no longer belongs in the space deep inside your heart, where only the things you value most about yourself reside. You can begin to keep him out of that space only (to begin with). Keep that space sacred for the good things about your life that can never be taken away from you and never hurt you. There will be many things you can place there. Think carefully about what these are.

 

He may reside, for a time, in other places within you: in your mind, for example. You will remember him, of course. But you can strive to push him out of your centre. And keep him out. And you must.

 

You will find, if you practise this, that it gives you a strength, a freedom to move through this experience. You will understand that the place you keep for the best of you is worth building on and, one day, you will realise that no-one will ever be able to hurt you in the way you allowed this person to hurt you.

 

You will still be able to love. You may find yourself loving even more freely than before, as you no longer hold onto the deep fear of losing those you love.

 

But you must make a conscious effort to remove the influence of this person, now. Or you will find this relationship dictates your future relationships for a long time.

 

It is within your power. It is a choice. All I ever, really, implore of others is that they make their choices wisely.

 

Best wishes.

 

x

[Nikki Sahagin]

Yes that is certainly what I struggle with and I am beginning to understand more and more about keeping him out of that centre, the place he used to occupy. I think that is what is taking time and effort for me, but as time passes I know he will only move further and further out and i'm realising the people that deserve to be in that place i.e. my family and close friends and those that don't and certainly to not make decisions from 'that place' with regard to him.I feel i've kinda highjacked this thread a little so i'm sorry to the OP!

[mickleb]

Hold onto this stuff, Nikki: it's a very good place for you to be.

 

x