Heartbroken098 Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 do you guys think second chances don't happen because the dumper never comes back or because when the dumper does come back, the dumpee has moved on?
USMCHokie Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 Both...but more often because the dumper never comes back...
DustySaltus Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 More often than not it's because of pride. The dumper doesn't want to admit they're wrong and the dumpee doesn't want to admit that they are vulnerable. It could be any number of reasons why they don't come back. There also can be a lot of WRONG reasons for them to come back. Either way, you only have one life to live and we should spend that time with people who appreciate us...
northstar1 Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 Because in most cases, as DS said, it is pride. Also, in the case where the dumper was female, more often than not once they pull the plug they've detached emotionally to the point they no longer want to come back. They may still 'care' about you and miss you at some level, but they no longer see any point in the relationship. The danger lies when people stay in touch after a breakup and one of them holds onto false hope and stays stuck for a long time. That is why NC is so critical. You need to sever the ties that bind in your mind and let go of that hope.
Nikki Sahagin Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 I think that people CAN come back...but really I think the reality is incredibly teeny weeny. I think in the majority of cases, the dumper does not return, and if they do, they tend to have incorrect motivations. They may know you are the one person who tolerated all of their b/s and so you are their port of call if their romantic/sexual life isn't working out. I also agree that the dumper can have too much pride to come back with their tail between their legs...even then the dumped person can be far too scared and untrusting or have put so much effort into detatching and letting go, that they just can't get back those feelings, or if they do, they are spoilt by fear/anxiety about the intentions of their ex and the future of the relationship. One of my close female friends was dumped by a boyfriend who had cheated on her. He came back later on and chased her for a year...but though she wanted him back, she was so scared of his intentions, that she pushed him away until finally he didn't come back. She still loves him and wants to be with him until this day, but for her the damage done was stronger than the love.
CleverName Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 "the damage done was stronger than the love." Yup, that's how it worked for me. After all the time spent in getting over it, you get over it. Done for real. I got dumped in September; walked around half dead for a few months, dealt with running into him, read every post in the Second Chances, Coping, Dating, Breaks and Breaking up etc...I was down really low and just wanted him back. A few weeks back I was feeling strong, went out to the local pub where ex and I met and hang out, ex was there, we hooked up. Yikes. I had known all along I would go for it should the opportunity present itself. But the next day....amazing how the old dynamic fell right back into place and felt so god awful wrong. I honestly could admit to myself that it was over. I haven't looked back. he's nothing to me now. He is the same to me as I was afraid of becoming to him...nothing. It seemed so sad to think that we would be nothing to each other. but I don't feel that anymore either.
lullaby Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 I do think people can come back, and I know couples who have, but it's true that the chances are short. Both parties need to be completely sure and need to put 100% into it to make it work. It's a 50/50 process, and generally, what happens, as many of you said, is that the dumper has too much ego to really come crawling back asking for love, and the dumped is too afraid to be hurt again. Besides, it all depends on the reason for breaking and who dumped who. When a women is the dumper (I was one once) it's even harder to get into a reconciliation because if she finished it, there's probably nothing left to do, she has already been through the process and mourned the relationship. If the dumper is a man, chances are higher, but just like they're higher they can be tricky and confusing. I'm personally starting to have a reconnection with my ex. He left me a couple of months and reappeared 3 weeks ago, but he never said he wanted to get back, we just started to talk about daily stuff, nothing to do with our relationship and started to "get to know each other", but NOT on a friendly basis, it's clear as water that he wants to get back because he already manifested he's still in love with me, but we both need time to see how we feel and I'm taking baby steps because I'm scared (there was no one involved, he didn't cheat on me or nothing like that, we just had a couple of arguments that messed everything up). Don't know if it's gonna work or not, I'm just letting things happen and analyze then as they come. But every relationship is different. There are couples who got back together and are happier than ever so...
ALombard Posted May 29, 2010 Posted May 29, 2010 Here's my opinion... In my experience with my ex even if they do come back and the two parties reconcile it never really works in the long run. Just a bit of info, for almost 2 years my ex dumped me and I fought for her back, got her back, either to dump her or get dumped by her. This is what I noticed... When the break up first happens it is always for a "reason" no one breaks up with someone without a valid "reason". Now whatever that reason may be it doesn't matter just know that the split was usually a long time coming. Second, once the dumper comes back into the dumpees life there usually seems to be a lot of emotional scar tissue left over from the break up examples; calling eachother names, saying mean hurtful things, trying to make eachother jealous, etc. Now those things linger around for a while. Third, even if the dumper takes the dumpee back once there is the slightest hint of things going back to the way they were before the dumper usually flips and gets scared again. Here's an example... One of the times I got dumped by my ex we had a few weeks were we talked but always tried to say things to hurt the other. Then after a while we started hanging out but still she was seeing someone else and was openly telling me about it, I was seeing someone also but I kept it to myself (not her business). Any after the whole run around we got back together. Things were good for a few months but then trust issues arrised on her part thinking I was gonna screw her over because she hurt me so badly. I didn't trust her for what she did to me and things snowballed. The small things that you think you can push aside because "you love them so much" always come back to haunt you. That's why it's best to just leave it alone after the first break up. I would have if I could turn back time, saved myself a lot of hassle and hurt. But hey that's life. Basically what I am saying is the second chance thing doesn't work for a reason! Even if the relationship starts back up again chances are it will break apart again. Most people are unwilling to actually work out their differences and A LOT of people hold onto the past. So yeah once it's done let it die, don't proceed to poke at it.
dan_the_man Posted May 29, 2010 Posted May 29, 2010 They do happen, but there is a very slim chance of it lasting.
Nikki Sahagin Posted May 30, 2010 Posted May 30, 2010 If there was a lot of animosity in the breakup then the dumper needs to be sure of what they want and be incredibly honest; their cards need to be on the table and they must be reassuring. The dumped person needs to be strong, secure in who they are and honest about their fears. I think if two people have the right intentions, the right feelings and complete honesty, things will be fine. The issues arise when the relationship/break up was shrouded in unfinished buisness, lies, cheating and other b/s that was never resolved. As time goes by, the pain doesn't lessen, if the partner comes back, all of this unresolved buisness will return and need to be sorted. For instance, my ex dumped me by email and treated me poorly just before we broke up. He then proceeded to confuse me further through texts, emails and meetups before leaving again. If he ever came back....I ask myself...what would he need to do? He would need to address what happened all those years ago. You may forgive, but you can't forget. And though they may run away and leave you covered in mud, if they come, they need to be the one to address what happened. That takes tremendous maturity, patience and self-insight. I'm not sure many are capable of that. The dumped person also must be self-sufficient in who they are. The issue is that the dumped person may be guarded (which is probably a good thing to shield from potential hurt, but indicates the relationship WILL hurt you!)
ADF Posted May 31, 2010 Posted May 31, 2010 It can work a number of ways, but more often than not, the dumper simply has no interest in getting back together.
drewdude Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 in my past experiences, they have always came back, and yes, im talking about females and me being the dumpee. I was/am generally a good guy, to them it was more of a didn't know what they have till its gone type of deal(i seem to have had a history of gfs who were mistreated before they got with me and they got use to that). I never really mistreated a girl or cheated in my life. But usually by the time they came around (5 months to close to a year after) Im over it and either have them kick rocks/ignore them, or use them really bad and show them the door. Tough love but im no doormat, revenge is best served cold.
ADF Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 in my past experiences, they have always came back, and yes, im talking about females and me being the dumpee. I was/am generally a good guy, to them it was more of a didn't know what they have till its gone type of deal(i seem to have had a history of gfs who were mistreated before they got with me and they got use to that). I never really mistreated a girl or cheated in my life. But usually by the time they came around (5 months to close to a year after) I'm over it and either have them kick rocks/ignore them, or use them really bad and show them the door. Tough love but im no doormat, revenge is best served cold. Revenge is best not served at all. And if you can use women without guilt, you are not a generally good guy. You're part of the problem, part of what creates women like the ones who you abuse.
drewdude Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 sorry to say but after all ive been through and always treated girls good, I'm not a doormat. So had to make them kick rocks to show them they cant walk all over me. Women will take advantage of that if you don't show them. I have seen it countless times. Good guys ALWAYS get hurt by women. And it wasn't even 'abuse' it was more just like ignore them and FWB with no commitment since they wanted that back from me. But as i said, no doormat. Even after all of that, those ex's still to this day still try to keep in contact/get back with me.
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