New and In Search Of Guidance

[Lost'N'Alone]

I would like to first say hello to everyone, as this is my first post and also my first day; I have spent alot of time reading others post's and trying to get a feel for this forum thing, as I have been told a place like this may find to be useful. So if I put this in the wrong place on here, my sincerest apologies!

 

My wife and I were childhood sweethearts, I mean that her and I hadn't dated anyone else since we were in 7th grade, which we are now almost 30 been married for almost 4 years and we have a 1 year old son together now. Trying to summarize this is a bit tough so bare with me.

 

My wife and I seen that we were growing apart from each other about 3 years ago and tried to change because we sincerely like each other, I mean to say we never really argued it just seemed I was doing my own thing and her to. Nonetheless, 3 months before our son was born I had found her to be in a emotional affair if not more with what I would have deamed my best friend, texts, emails and phone calls...

 

This was very damaging to me as to have my closest person to me in life messing around with my next to best friend I could ever have. Now mind you, through all of this I have seen alot of errors in my ways, I wasn't a very passionate and affectionate man as to the way I was raised was always to provide and give everything you have to better her as a person, unfortunately not until about 9 months ago did I realize that wasn't only a monitary thing. Furthermore, I believe I took her for grantid and she did the same with me, almost like we were roommates or brother and sister than a married couple. We had a house and cars and boats and everything I suppose as far as material items a couple could want.

 

Anyway, so when I found out about this "affair" I snapped, not in abusive way or anything, but just like my entire belief system collapsed and I was shellshocked. I sat her down and asked her if all of this is what I think it is and she said yes and admitted it but that she wasn't doing it to hurt me, but it's just something she needed because I wasn't very emotionally connected with her, and I can honestly tell you I am not a guy that shows feeling very well at all if any.

 

So I told her after our son was born I was going to file for a divorce, but in the meantime I would stay in the home to make sure she was properly taken care of. I never missed a dr. appointment, I grocery shopped and did the household chores; anything I could do to take stress off of her because our child is the most important thing in my life.

 

The day came and she had him we took him home like an ordinary couple and 5 days later she told me if I wasn't happy I needed to go, so I did. Mind you this has been a year and 13 days ago and the divorce has a final hearing date of June 18 or something along those lines. During our time apart I met the most amazing woman, she is older than I am; 37 to be honest and she has done nothing but try and help me through all of this, she has put up with some games, the name calling and story telling as you all can imagine and been there beside me everytime, sharing tears and emotions as the wife kept the son from me, it took me almost till he was 13 months old before I ever actually got to take him, I seen him a handfull of time at our "marital" home but was never allowed anymore than that. The wife of course blames this woman for keeping me away and causing our divorce to continue.

 

Being that the divorce date final hearing is getting so close I can't help but to wonder if I am doing the right thing? the wife has made every effort to get me back in her life and has went quite a ways in trying to get me to feel how sorry she is. She has asked me to give us as a chance to make this right and that we can not only for our child but because deep down we do love each other. I can sit here and tell you today that I do still love her, I don't sleep much at night and I worry about her often; however at the same time I feel very much for this new GF as her resilience and stamina and caring for me all through this has touched me more than words can say.

 

As far as the sexual side of things I like to make the reference I went from living in a convent to a strip club, the new GF is very in tune with her sexuality and loves passion and is not affraid to express or say what she wants and needs where the other one is more closed off. I just want to make sure I am not continuing with this divorce because of a sexual reason as shady as that may sound, I mean the woman has the ability to make me feel like I can fly sometimes.

 

In closing I would just like to ask these questions as these are going through my head at all times. Is it common to not sleep and sit there and wonder, think and miss the times? Is it appropriate at this stage to give it another shot with the wife, and if so would it ever be possible to go back to the lives we once had?

 

I am having such a hard time deciding not so much what is best for me but what is best for my child and the wife? I just dont' want to go 20 years regretting not trying but at the same time losing this new found woman that has me all tied up. Please go easy on me, I am open and honest! I would love any help and thoughts you guys can give me, as I have seen you have helped so many in the past.

 

God bless

Jason

Edited May 30, 2010 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BetterOffWithoutYou]

i cannot tell you if you should make your divorce final or not, that is something you must figure out on your own. what i can say is staying together for your son is not a good idea. the two of you would most likely end up in the same roles after the initial "honeymoon phase" of getting back together. you would both end up unhappy again, and unhappy parents are the worst thing for a child. as far as your new gf, of course everything is wonderful... its still the "honeymoon" for you as well, on top of the fact that this is a whole new experience for you since you have been with your wife since 7th grade. you are like a kid in a candy store with the new gf! it is important you dont confuse these amazing feelings for more then they are, take off your love blinders and really inspect the relationship and if it is worth a long term commitment. if you can't imagine spending your life with the GF and you can with you wife, i would suggest marital counseling before you finalize the divorce. this way you and your wife can work with a professional to see if the marriage is worth salvaging. it seems you admit the real issues in your marriage was you neglecting your wife's emotions and closing off your own emotions. if you a truly willing to change this, then their may be a chance at rebuilding you marriage. honestly, i would say that you and your wife should seek a marriage counselor before you throw away your family. i hope this helps and you are able to find some peace

[Lost'N'Alone]

I am not quite sure the GF would be considered a honeymoon phase, I found her by accident and we have been together going on 10 months now so not real sure on that. I just don't want to look back and say....Should I have???????? Is it possible to have had to much damage done while we were split apart to ever salvage anything, let alone the pressure we will have from her side of the family as they basically hate the ground I walk on...The GF's way of life is just so much more different, I went from a younger woman to one that knows who she is what she wants and how to get there, I pride a woman that is her own. Are counselors very expensive? If this gives you any insight on this, the GF really thinks I should look into this because otherwise she says I will be carrying the "wonder" for the rest of my life and nobody can live that way...I just gotta do something, I feel as if I have a 300lb weight on my chest and I am driving myself mad!!!!

[BetterOffWithoutYou]

it sounds like you know what you want but are feeling guilty about making the divorce final. i only say the "honeymoon" phase bc this type of high from a relationship has been known to biologically last up to a year and a half. seems like you are really happy with the new gf, but not so happy with your wife tho. as far as the cost of counselors i cannot tell you but i do know that if you have health insurance you should only need to pay an affordable copay. hope you are doing better.

[You Go Girl]

There's no guarantees in life, Jason.

You may choose the new woman, and she may dump you in a year or less or who knows.

You may choose your wife, and it will never be the same again as before the affairs, so you would have to rebuild a new marriage within the old one.

At this point, you don't sound ready to give up the OW. If you leave her, will you wonder forever about that?

If you stay with the OW, you won't wonder forever...it will either succeed or fail.

If you stay with the OW, and then that new relationship falls apart, then what?

You'll have neither...and so life goes.

 

That you asked for a D so quickly, and were emotionally detached from your W during the last 13 months, says something about your committment there.

[Lost'N'Alone]

I thank you very much for your thoughts...I can honestly tell you I am letting it all soak in. My family has asked me several times and I can't quite figure it out....and don't really know how; they ask Are you going back just for your son and you get to see him all the time, are you going back because you don't want her to be with anyone else, are you going back because it is tough on you right now and your life is turned upside down? All wonderful questions..but I have no answers... I know when I still look at her my heart skips beats and I wanna talk with her every chance I get...Of course I love my son and want to be with him 24/7 what father wouldn't, as far as being with another guy I don't think that bothers me, I mean for 13 months now I have been with another woman so fair is fair I suppose on that side of things. I just know that I have a woman that has done everything and will continue to do everything to make me happy and wants me in her life, and I have a past that cannot be forgotten and a woman that I feel I shouldn't have "decided on" so quickly, what I mean by that is I wish I would have just gotten a seperation as opposed to file but hindsight is 20/20. I realize with being with her for so long I will never forget her, shes the mother of my child and I will always hold her dear in my heart, I just wish there was some way I could get myself to quit missn/worrying about her. I'm just afraid I would be going back to her because it is the "easy" thing to do for me. The GF is so good to my son and has been like a rock for me I just feel if I do that, and go back and try with the wife I would be doing nothing more than just spitting in her face and that's not me....

[Nutmeg617]

My two cents: I wonder if it wouldn't hurt to just try out some counceling, just to see where it takes you. I think perhaps you owe it to yourself, your wife, and the GF (who has encouraged you to seek the counceling) to make sure you're doing what's best for all involved. If you go, and it doesn't help, then at least you can say you tried. And your wife can say you gave it one last shot. And you can tell your son one day that you did everything you could. And the GF may have that much more respect for you for being willing to sort out your feelings. If you don't, you really might always wonder. But not only that, your GF may always have in the back of her mind that you considered it and didn't do it, and that could cause her to doubt your feelings for her if she thinks you regret the D. Counseling can be expensive, and not all insurance will cover it, so look for someone who will offer you a sliding fee scale if you decide to try it out. This is generally based on income, but ours never made us prove our income, she just lowered her rate. Good luck, I hope you find peace and happiness. And if you do, let me know where you found it as I am searching for it myself .

 

~Meg

[Lost'N'Alone]

Realistically speaking, what would I assume I would get out of a counseling session as I have never been to anything near one of those? Would they be able to tell me what I want based on my answers or what I should do? I am so afraid being that the final hearing is so close the clock is ticking faster by the day and I just don't want to make a wrong decision that's going to take its tole on everyone for a very long time. I am not sure if it is wrong to say it or not, but I am putting the GF and W and my son in front of me, because I realize alot of people live with regret and fear and pain, but I also realize there are alot of people that have no choice; I DO!

God help me!

[Gunny376]

Re-write your post and use some paragahage breaks!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

r r

[You Go Girl]

Realistically speaking, what would I assume I would get out of a counseling session as I have never been to anything near one of those? Would they be able to tell me what I want based on my answers or what I should do? I am so afraid being that the final hearing is so close the clock is ticking faster by the day and I just don't want to make a wrong decision that's going to take its tole on everyone for a very long time. I am not sure if it is wrong to say it or not, but I am putting the GF and W and my son in front of me, because I realize alot of people live with regret and fear and pain, but I also realize there are alot of people that have no choice; I DO!

God help me!

 

Ah if life were only so simple we could pay somebody else to tell us what to do, what we want.

Nope...those things are not going to happen.

What is going to happen is that she is going to focus on things like how you wrote above that you worry about your wife, miss her, and would like to stop those feelings.

Is that guilt? Guilt is no reason to go back to your wife. Is the wanting to talk to her all the time love? Yes, I think so. The hardest choices in life are not between good and bad, they are between good and good. gf=good, wife=good.

The reason to attend counseling is to settle your feelings on this matter, so that you're not wondering what if...forever.

But then again, keep in mind, there's a fork here in this road, you can't take both of them, and you may just wonder forever. Point being, you're going to have to choose only one path at that fork of the road you find yourself now at. You'll NEVER KNOW the outcome if you had taken the other. And so life goes on....we all only get to live one life at a time.

 

I think your problem at this point is whether to finalize the divorce. It's impending, regardless of whether you are emotionally ready for it. You could cancel finalizing this until you've sorted this all out. You could ask your w if she would like you to do that. You could ask your gf too. The variable you can't control is that it's not all about you--and one of these women, or both of them, may make a decision about their own life in the meantime.

[Nutmeg617]

As much as we wish otherwise, nobody can decide what to do for you. Counseling will allow you to sift through all of the feelings of confusion and doubt and help you feel better about the decisions you make. You may still wonder "what if", but at least you will know the effort was made. You could choose independent counseling as opposed to marriage counseling if you decide to finalize the divorce, just so you can sort through all that's happened and be able to move forward. Don't worry about not knowing what to expect, that's a part of life. If you go and you hate it, then stop. But you may find you enjoy venting to an impartial person. You came to us, didn't you?

[Lost'N'Alone]

My friends/family seem to think I am just delirious and that I should have my head examined because I am willing to gamble with this new GF. Is there something wrong with a woman with a great sex drive? I just pray later on down the road that doesn't go away because if I am being truely honest this is one of her best qualities, a woman that not only makes you feel good in that way but desires you, not sure there is a better feeling than that. Well, and just to keep you all posted on this; I mentioned something to the soon to be x wife about possibly trying again and she says she has alot of mixed feelings and is not sure, of course she has had 4 days to think about it. It bothers me a bit, for the simple fact that I know I would like to try it just because of the regret side of things and the unknown possibility. I would honestly think if she was still in to me, or wanted it she would have decided by now, am I wrong?

[BetterOffWithoutYou]

just realize that your wife would have had more sex with you if you had shown her more attention and support. many women need the emotional connection to continue as the relationship grows. if you aren't there for your woman as a best friend she may not want to be your lover. if you repeat the same mistakes with your new gf then the same patter will probably ensue.

 

also, you wanted to divorce your wife after not being there for her, then end up in a relationship with another woman and ignore her attempts at reconciling to be with the new woman... your wife has EVERY right to be confused and not sure what she wants to do. you should respect her feelings.

[Lost'N'Alone]

I probably should clear something up here....It is me that has brought up and tried to discuss the reconciling or whatever it is that you wanna call it and she has avoided these questions and attempts numerous times. And I am not totally sure your anywhere near correct on the sex side of things because she told me multiple times that sex was not, nor will ever be important to her. So I don't think if I did give her everything and have a golden a*sho*e it would have helped the least bit there. I was there for her since 7th grade, I was the communicator in the relationship, tried several times to better things; unfortunately what I was giving isn't what she wanted, but instead of telling me this she finds care in someone else, let alone my best friend....I hate to say this, but at this point respecting her is very hard and with time twindling down until this all ends I would think if it were important to her she would be doing something proactive about this..However, there were a couple of times she had mentioned trying things but that was only after she found out I had a GF or that I got a better job, never for us but more for her when it came down to that.

Edited May 28, 2010 by Lost'N'Alone
typing

[BetterOffWithoutYou]

in your original post you said your wife made every effort to get you back and she blames you new gf for why you won't return. you also said you were only giving everything you had monetarily... this explains her need to find someone to connect with emotionally. i understand you are hurt she did this, but only a lack of attention and emotional support from a spouse would drive a woman to do that. also, if you have been together since 7th grade your wife has not been able to understand her sexual side, and is also why she thinks it is unimportant. if you were there for her in the way she needed and also helped her explore her sexuality then things would most likely improve. it sounds as though you are so happy to be having regular sex with someone new you are experiencing your sexual side as well. your story has so many layers to that it seems your first post isn't describing this well enough. hope you can figure what your heart really wants soon.

[Lost'N'Alone]

You are probably right when you say it wasn't described well enough...However, I disagree with you on the cheating..I don't think there is any justification I don't care what it is. I would think she is just as much as fault if not more because her unwillingness to communicate. Also, I think there are more reasons a woman would do this, but as I can imagine it's always the man's fault in most cases; as seems to be the going idea. I tried for years to get her to "explore" if you will her sexual side and she said I was basing everything on this. Well I am sorry but my opinion is it is not normal for a married couple to only have sex once or twice every 3 months, and that's gods honest truth. At one point in time I tried helping her with that, thought maybe it were a libido problem or something. And yes, with this new woman I can honestly say I am doing things that I wasn't aware even existed, and it's a wild ride lol. But please do not get the impression that I just walked and didn't care, I tried talking to her many times, and it always ended up in an argument of well if your not happy leave, after you hear that so many times u do quit trying. I think the majority of my issue and fear is brought on by the fear of having to start fresh with everything....I mean she got the house, cars $225 per week in child support where I ended up with nothing but my personal items. But, I can also say it says something about what she really thought of me. And yes, she does blame the GF because that is the only time she wanted to try and fix or whatever is when I got the GF....Or I had to take her to court to get visitation rights.....or when I got a promotion and seen money. Any other time she wouldn't even answer my text or phone calls because she was too busy; but I can see how all of this stems back down to me trying to be the best provider possible.

[BetterOffWithoutYou]

well the more you describe the situation the more it seems you have made up your mind. in your first post you seemed so torn, but the more you write the more it is obvious you have HUGE resentment toward your wife. you have no problem bashing her and expressing your anger... why would you want to remain married to someone who you feel this way toward? i think you know you want the divorce but are afraid to make it final. i don't see how you can rebuild your marriage with all the ill will you feel for your wife.

[You Go Girl]

Here's the thing Jason. There's no figuring out if you could save your marriage as long as you are in an affair. Your mind can't be focusing on trying again with your marriage as long as you are having hot sex with the gf. Brains just don't work that way. Yours is working in a reward payoff mode of sex. As long as you are in the sex fog, it will take precedence over anything else. That's where the animal wins over the intellect.

 

In the long term big picture of things--imagine two versions of your future. In the first, you do what it takes to get back with your wife. Now your wife, I assume, has never had sex with anybody else. She doesn't know the thrills of new sex. She is not going to turn into a tigress. Your sex life will eventually return to infrequent sex, even if it improves upon your immediate return. But in this scenario, you keep your family intact, raise your child together, and perhaps have another child. One family saved. But hot sex probably isn't in your future in this scenario.

 

In the second version--you keep the gf, get hot sex, and perhaps that relationship survives, but statistically, it will fail. Do not discount those statistics. They are only statistics, but they are very powerful ones. The odds are so against you and the new gf it's incredible.

But, after the fling goes south, you end up single again, and date many other women, with more hot sex in your future, and eventually, you settle down into marriage again. Your odds at that marriage are half the survival rate of the first one. Again, just a statistic, but a powerful one.

 

You have a simple choice here. Keep a family intact, or have the adventure of new women. It really does come down to that. It's a sobering decision, but it is what it is.

 

You've already flown the coup--and more than likely--there's no going back. You've expanded your interests in women. You're on a path of adventure. Your marriage won't provide that, it would provide stability, another child for a sibling for the first one, a stable history of family, photograph books still intact.

When I examine how you probably are feeling, I think that you more than likely will choose adventure over family. The family scenario is too sobering for you. Although it too will have its surprises, trials and tribulations, they will have less instant gratification, and involve some sacrifice on your part--which is your sexual side. You will never know the dynamics of your family kept intact from the beginning, with blood siblings. This future isn't going to happen.

 

Well, they both build character eventually, just different realizations about life, sacrifice, adventure, and goals.

I think you've opened a door that just can't be shut again.

[tojaz]

I would just like to ask these questions as these are going through my head at all times. Is it common to not sleep and sit there and wonder' date=' think and miss the times? Is it appropriate at this stage to give it another shot with the wife, and if so would it ever be possible to go back to the lives we once had? [/quote']

 

Ok J first, lets try and answer your questions. Yes it is common to miss her and lose sleep. Dont fall into the trap of what is appropriate, right or even possible. Theres no rule book for this, if your feeling it, then its appropriate.

 

Same with giving it another shot. If thats what you want to do then its appropriate, while it is far from the norm, seperated and divorcing couples get back together all the time. Sometimes even after divorce. There are no rules.

 

Will it ever be the same........... NO!

 

It could be better though, having had a chance to clear the air and get some of the issues out in the open, and learning about yourselves some. Or you may try and see that it isn't there anymore. Only one way to know.

 

I read you like a lot of others, saying your torn but acting against your marriage. Thats a decision that only you can make, but all the things you seem to admire in this new woman wear off over time. It seems to be more the thrill and excitement that has you hooked more then anything else. What happens with that and the doting affection of a new relationship out of the equation? Who would you want by your side if you were sick in bed? or in the quiet moments, or 50 years from now when your old and gray? For me, while I'm a huge fan, Sex isn't enough. To be honest given the choice, I would have chosen to not have sex with my wife and live our life, then have a free pass to sleep with whoever I want.

 

Since everyone is waiting for me to say it, I think a change of perspective is in order if you are truly torn. You speak a lot about your needs and what you would need from the marriage, whats her side? Yeah, she had an EA, but why? What does she need, have you asked? I would imagine theres a lot of uncovered ground there.

 

TOJAZ

[trippi1432]

Here's the thing Jason. There's no figuring out if you could save your marriage as long as you are in an affair. Your mind can't be focusing on trying again with your marriage as long as you are having hot sex with the gf. Brains just don't work that way. Yours is working in a reward payoff mode of sex. As long as you are in the sex fog, it will take precedence over anything else. That's where the animal wins over the intellect.

 

This I agree with, once a boundary of infidelity is crossed, it is a very hard line to cross back over again for any man or woman. You need to explore where your wife sits on this boundary (sorry, haven't read the rest of the backstory yet, but will get there).

 

Now, on the other hand:

Ok J first, lets try and answer your questions. Yes it is common to miss her and lose sleep. Dont fall into the trap of what is appropriate, right or even possible. Theres no rule book for this, if your feeling it, then its appropriate.

 

Same with giving it another shot. If thats what you want to do then its appropriate, while it is far from the norm, seperated and divorcing couples get back together all the time. Sometimes even after divorce. There are no rules.

 

Will it ever be the same........... NO! It will not ever be the same marriage that you had before. You will have to learn how to deal with that in a different manner or you are just doomed to fail again.

It could be better though, having had a chance to clear the air and get some of the issues out in the open, and learning about yourselves some. Or you may try and see that it isn't there anymore. Only one way to know.

 

Who would you want by your side if you were sick in bed? or in the quiet moments, or 50 years from now when your old and gray? For me, while I'm a huge fan, Sex isn't enough. To be honest given the choice, I would have chosen to not have sex with my wife and live our life, then have a free pass to sleep with whoever I want.

 

Totally agree with this, but this is also not to say that this wife would even be the doting wife one should be. I would have never counted on my ex being there for me. Jason, you need to really take a good look at this woman and ensure that she is someone who is in it for the long haul....and you can both live with the infidelity.

 

Since everyone is waiting for me to say it, I think a change of perspective is in order if you are truly torn. You speak a lot about your needs and what you would need from the marriage, whats her side? Yeah, she had an EA, but why? What does she need, have you asked? I would imagine theres a lot of uncovered ground there.

 

TOJAZ

 

If a woman feels that she needs an EA, something is missing J....my ex found it before it became an EA....didn't follow through with the rest of the marriage but he found what we needed at that time to stop anything from going any further for 8 years.

 

To Tojaz's point, do either of you see sticking by each others side through the really hard times....because this....what we are talking about right now....an EA, an affair.....this is nothing. I like the sickness part that you put in here Tojaz.....marriage isn't just about sex, money, how and who will raise the kids....in the end of it all, who will be there 30 to 50 years from now taking care of you. Sorry, my Grandmother died in my mother's arms last November in her home with her husband of 30 years right there by her side. That's love, that's marriage.

[tojaz]

This I agree with, once a boundary of infidelity is crossed, it is a very hard line to cross back over again for any man or woman. You need to explore where your wife sits on this boundary (sorry, haven't read the rest of the backstory yet, but will get there).

 

Now, on the other hand:

 

 

If a woman feels that she needs an EA, something is missing J....my ex found it before it became an EA....didn't follow through with the rest of the marriage but he found what we needed at that time to stop anything from going any further for 8 years.

 

To Tojaz's point, do either of you see sticking by each others side through the really hard times....because this....what we are talking about right now....an EA, an affair.....this is nothing. I like the sickness part that you put in here Tojaz.....marriage isn't just about sex, money, how and who will raise the kids....in the end of it all, who will be there 30 to 50 years from now taking care of you. Sorry, my Grandmother died in my mother's arms last November in her home with her husband of 30 years right there by her side. That's love, that's marriage.

 

Must be because i'vce been sick and have been feeling it more then usual. Really miss those moments of knowing you had someone to take care of you when you needed that. Something to consider OP

 

TOJAZ