loveisdead Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 my bf of 6 years and I broke up 3 days ago, life cannot be any worse than it is right now. I need to tell my story and hear what other ppl think. Please help me. Long story short, my bf and I had a very special relationship, we have very deep feelings for each other and we were always very in love. A couple of cheating happened in the earlier years before we step into our twenties, even though it was hard and painful, we dealt with it and everything was fine. We were envied by many and we were considered the "Model couple". Three days ago, I went home to see my parents and I accidentally discovered that my bf was going to watch a play with a girl that he was cheating with before. I confronted him about it, he lied at first but came clean right away. I have made him promise to stop any contact with this girl in the past since they have kept in contact these years. He is not cheating with her now. However, when I asked him to not go to the show with her because it will hurt me, he refused. He said that he owes the girl an apology and he wanted to make it up to her and it was going to be the last time. I kept on asking him to not go but he still ended up going. That night, I was devastated. In my head, he would rather disappoint me but not her. So in the moment of anger, I ended my relationship with him. He keeps on saying she's just a friend. Ever since the break up, I am not coping with it very well. I keep on calling him and keep on asking him if he ended with her, I even asked him to come back with me. But he said that he is not ready, he feels like i am too controlling and that he is going to hurt me again because he wants to keep in touch with her. I don't know what to think. I love this man so much, but this was out of the line to me. I am also having so much trouble blocking him out of my life because I am secretly hoping that we will make it through just like how we did before. Please help me!!1
Brokendreams875 Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 Honestly I am going through a hard breakup myself but I have to be honest. He lied to you and cheated on you once, and now he is lieing again even if not cheating. Even if you got back together, you now feel like you count less then this other girl and are you going to trust hes not lieing to you now that its happened twice? Are you going to question everything he says and does? I know its been a long time and believe me I know how much it hurts and how much it sucks but in the long run you deserve someone whos always going to be honest with you. Based on his past I do not believe it is too much that you were asking him to choose you over her no matter what. And I know what you mean, my and my ex broke up for a year and barely spoke then ended up together for 3 years which just ended. Some part of me hopes he will do some growing up and we will still end up together but just like im forcing myself to not sit and wait for him you cant either you deserve so much better. Good luck
Author loveisdead Posted May 27, 2010 Author Posted May 27, 2010 thank you for your reply, I am very glad that I get to hear other people's opinion. At this point, I'm still blinded by my heart and can't accept the truth. I guess I need to start thinking that there's no more future between us.
Meaplus3 Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 Sorry your hurting. The early stages of a break up are the hardest. Time has a good way of making thing's easier. Hang in there. Mea:)
Brokendreams875 Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 Like I said I really know how you feel, I havent full accepted it with my relationship myself, but I keep trying to remind myself of alllllll the reasons and lies and problems we had and it keeps me sane through the misery Try and keep your distance. While it seems impossible to get through and horrible, NC really is the best. It gives yourself a chance to worry about YOU and who you are without him and it also gives them a chance to realize what they are missing. It sounds like you guys were also young when you got together, maybe he needs some time to feel like he "lived" my ex and I had issues with what he did and didnt want to give up too and decisions he wasnt ready to make..just a bit of a different situation. You will be ok, we all will here. Its whats great about having this place, everyone really understands
jerrytodd Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 I dont think you were unreasonable to ask him not to go. A year ago my ex did something similar, I said if you go you will hurt me and she went anyway. It was the beginning of a pattern of hurt. I let those hurts go. You havent. Dont back down. He needs to beg to come back. If he does watch him closely. Your instincts and actions are right - best of luck.
Author loveisdead Posted May 27, 2010 Author Posted May 27, 2010 it is very helpful to hear from you. Thanks again. I am trying to put myself together and stop all contacts with him.
freestyle Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 I think your bf is crazy to expect you to be o.k. about him attending a concert with someone he already cheated on you with. He's showing no regards for your feelings.In your shoes, I would be livid.He's disregarding all the anxiety and agony he put you through before, when he lied and cheated. This reopened the wound and poured a whole bucket of salt in it. Wow, he really needs a loooong ride on the Clue Train......... For him to label you as controlling is absurd, he CHEATED----that means it's on him to provide 100% transparency to regain your trust. As far as I'm concerned, that should give you veto power about him hanging out with other women....... without you. I know you're hurting right now..(I've been there ,too)but please think very hard about whether or not you would take him back again, after this. Think about the "bad check" analogy---Once someone has bounced checks with you, more than once, shouldn't you think real hard before you'll take a check from them again? (((((hugs to ease your pain)))))
Brokendreams875 Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 I hope things work out for you and I actually wanted to thank you too. I just had a major freak out where I started to blame my whole break up on myself and wonder if I was the reason everything messed up but it was remembering your story that made me remember NOTHING I could have done made it ok for him to lie to me, nothing I could have done gave him the right to do what he did etc Im still suffering and I am still sad and dont know what to do with myself...but he doesnt control me anymore and I need to take back my life and so do you.
Author loveisdead Posted May 27, 2010 Author Posted May 27, 2010 It's day 5 of the beginning of the end, I think I'm a little more clear headed about the entire situation now. I kept on making up excuses for him, I'm doing so much to try to make sense of what happened. However, it doesn't make sense. It pains me so much to wipe him out of my life since he has been the biggest part of my life in the past 6 years. I believed that nothing could of do us apart but life has proven me more than wrong. He was to me not only a bf, but my companion, my best friend, my brother, my family... What he did was too disappointing, I guess I should be what he wants me to be.... disappointed. I hope I will move on soon, I can't bare been this miserable for much longer. Thanks guys for all the support, it means a lot to me.
Author loveisdead Posted May 28, 2010 Author Posted May 28, 2010 he emailed me for some random stuff for a common friend, And I couldn't resist the temptation to reply his email just to say that I did it and that I got an interview today. He later send me a text message saying that he is very proud of me and tell me to not call him...... I'm kinda disturbed now
annabelle84 Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 hey there! I had to reply.... I am 3 weeks into a breakup of a 4 years (and plus something) relationship. I know the feeling... it's terrible! I understand your a mess right now. I know! I was too. And I still am! BUt that feeling of disorientation will go away... You should allow yourself to think about the breakup and what happened... you can't see things clearly right now, but by thinking about it you will soon. Just be careful to not let yourself fall into depression. If you feel yourself falling, just stop thinking about it and go do something else. When your feeling better, you can allow yourself to think about things again. If your case is anyting like mine, very soon you will end up seeing things you've missed during the first days after the breakup. In the mean time, you also should go out (forcing yourself even if you dont want to) and have fun with friends. It helps cheer thing up. You'll get out of the mud soon. It doesn't mean that you wil forget the guy imediatly. But it will help cope and grow stronger. In my case, i still think about him too often and sometimes forget all the hard work i am putting into making myself strong... but i get over it fast lol. we can dwell on things that hurt to long. its hard but achievable. Don't contact him... at all... its hard... but first you need to get yourself up... if you contact him, it will make it harder for you to heal and close your wounds. I know it sucks enourmously... but its the truth. doesn't it make feel worst when you guys talk? don't you feel worst?... not talking to him won't make you forget him imediately (specially if you dont want to) but it will allow you to get your head in place and stand your ground. Get away fom that situation for a while honey. Just give it a shot for a month (if you fell you need more.. go for it). if he sees the mess your in that won't do much good (for neither of you)... over emotional people tend to act on impulse and that ususally never solves a thing. if he sees you strong, he eventully might want to talk and sort it out. And you will have the upper hand, because you will be strong and "dettached". That is what I am trying to do for myself... I am not hoping that my ex comes back, that kind of thought only stops me from getting on with things... but if he does... then we will see! I dont know... I just thought if this is good for me, than I might as well share it with someone who is going through what I went throught. I don't know... me and my bf had also a great relationship, he never cheated, but things were out of control on both sides... and he lied... he broke up. well...! that's life... wishing you the best
Author loveisdead Posted October 13, 2011 Author Posted October 13, 2011 It has been 1 year and 5 months ever since I created this thread. Things have change enormously. I needed to come back and update on what has happened to me during this time frame. Soon after the break up in May, 2010, against all the recommendations of the wonderful ppl here, I went back to my boyfriend after a break down in a phone call. I tried to not think about what happened and tried to make myself "better" so that he will fall back in love with me again. I know, it was totally stupid. However, it is hard to control what you do when you are so emotional. After we have gotten back, his only request is that I will let him and the girl remain friends. I even accepted that, but it proved to be much harder done than said. The girl left for a trip during the summer break and we also left for a vacation that we planned for years, I was secretly hoping that the vacation will solve everything for us. The trip was great, I did find out that he has an avatar for her on Skype, I get insecure easily, we fight here and there. Coming September, I went to work and he is working at a different city 1 hr away. I drive down to see him every weekend, and make sure that he is taken care of. He suddenly suggests that we take a break because he feels suffocated with me and that he "missed out" on his life because of me. This period was a lot of ups and downs , non of us can make up our mind if we want to be together or to be separated. It seems like we can't part from each other but we are torturing each other. Also, he called the girl the night we landed back from our vacation. He told her we broke up. Long story short, he admitted in a phone conversation with me and the girl that he loves that girl as well..... WTF..... I mean really.... WTF. Right afterwards, he calls and said that he only said so because he doesn't want to hurt her. EXCUSE ME!! DID YOU KNOW THAT YOU HAVE DISTROYED ME OVER AND OVER? From that day, I decided that it's over. I have lost all hope, all trust for this man. He completely took me for granted. I left and I soon found a lovely man who showed me that love can be so simple. I am not going to lie, it took me really really long time to get over the fact that he loves the other girl (he went out with her right after our breakup). Still this day, after one year of breakup, I am here , thinking back about all this. I can only said that I made the best decision of my life. For those of you who are still suffereing, NC is crucial, change your number, block his number, do whatever you can. I was not as strong as I should've been, but I definitely learned so much. I am with a wonderful man right now and I'd like to thank those of you who have helped me here during the most difficult time of my life. Hand on there girls and boys, the pain will end. And I am as happy as I can be
Author loveisdead Posted November 9, 2011 Author Posted November 9, 2011 And yet, today.... i'm still here, grieving inside for the love lost It has been 1 year and 5 months ever since I created this thread. Things have change enormously. I needed to come back and update on what has happened to me during this time frame. Soon after the break up in May, 2010, against all the recommendations of the wonderful ppl here, I went back to my boyfriend after a break down in a phone call. I tried to not think about what happened and tried to make myself "better" so that he will fall back in love with me again. I know, it was totally stupid. However, it is hard to control what you do when you are so emotional. After we have gotten back, his only request is that I will let him and the girl remain friends. I even accepted that, but it proved to be much harder done than said. The girl left for a trip during the summer break and we also left for a vacation that we planned for years, I was secretly hoping that the vacation will solve everything for us. The trip was great, I did find out that he has an avatar for her on Skype, I get insecure easily, we fight here and there. Coming September, I went to work and he is working at a different city 1 hr away. I drive down to see him every weekend, and make sure that he is taken care of. He suddenly suggests that we take a break because he feels suffocated with me and that he "missed out" on his life because of me. This period was a lot of ups and downs , non of us can make up our mind if we want to be together or to be separated. It seems like we can't part from each other but we are torturing each other. Also, he called the girl the night we landed back from our vacation. He told her we broke up. Long story short, he admitted in a phone conversation with me and the girl that he loves that girl as well..... WTF..... I mean really.... WTF. Right afterwards, he calls and said that he only said so because he doesn't want to hurt her. EXCUSE ME!! DID YOU KNOW THAT YOU HAVE DISTROYED ME OVER AND OVER? From that day, I decided that it's over. I have lost all hope, all trust for this man. He completely took me for granted. I left and I soon found a lovely man who showed me that love can be so simple. I am not going to lie, it took me really really long time to get over the fact that he loves the other girl (he went out with her right after our breakup). Still this day, after one year of breakup, I am here , thinking back about all this. I can only said that I made the best decision of my life. For those of you who are still suffereing, NC is crucial, change your number, block his number, do whatever you can. I was not as strong as I should've been, but I definitely learned so much. I am with a wonderful man right now and I'd like to thank those of you who have helped me here during the most difficult time of my life. Hand on there girls and boys, the pain will end. And I am as happy as I can be
FrostFire Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 And yet, today.... i'm still here, grieving inside for the love lost It's your mind playing tricks on you. Kick that idea out of your head. You have a wonderful man now. You can never change the past and you cannot change that jerk so stop trying. You have everything you could ever want right now from the way it seemed a month ago. Don't for a moment start "painting" a fairy tale picture in your head what could have been. To be upset over what you don't have is to waste what you do have!
Author loveisdead Posted November 9, 2011 Author Posted November 9, 2011 You are totally right! I do have a great relationship right now. I just hope I can erase that part of my memory. It comes back to me from time to time to make me sad. I just want to love the man by my side more and more than I ever did. I'm either afraid of letting go completely or afraid of getting hurt again. Time will help me. It's your mind playing tricks on you. Kick that idea out of your head. You have a wonderful man now. You can never change the past and you cannot change that jerk so stop trying. You have everything you could ever want right now from the way it seemed a month ago. Don't for a moment start "painting" a fairy tale picture in your head what could have been. To be upset over what you don't have is to waste what you do have!
Author loveisdead Posted March 3, 2014 Author Posted March 3, 2014 3.5 years later... I broke up with the man who helped me to break free from my ex. He was like a giving tree, trying to give me the best and all he can but afterall, I was not ready. I was damaged beyond repair and I jumped into a relationship where I made myself feel needed, only realizing much later that I don't know how to love anymore....
jphcbpa Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 3.5 years later... I broke up with the man who helped me to break free from my ex. He was like a giving tree, trying to give me the best and all he can but afterall, I was not ready. I was damaged beyond repair and I jumped into a relationship where I made myself feel needed, only realizing much later that I don't know how to love anymore.... sorry to hear this. time to heal up the right way. Have you read "Journey From Abandonment to Healing" ?
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