broke up with my girlfriend a bit over two months ago and still having trouble coping

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Im 24 and my girlfriend is 22 we were together for a bit less than four years. During those years we were up and down but never broke up. Things were really fun but I always felt sort of tied down. Huge issues would arise when I would be manipulative so I could see my friends etc. Another problem was insecurities on both our parts. (For the sake of explaining our relationship not flaunting an ego) we were both very good looking and got lots of attention. A couple of close calls significantly diminished our trust in each other.

Over the last 6 months I was working and studying for the mcat so I was very busy and didnt get to see her or my friends as often as I liked, balancing that was difficult. Also it seemed like I never lived up to her expectations she always wanted more "romance" I tried to bring her to dinners and surprise her with fun dates and presents but I felt like I was never keeping up with what she wanted. She was also complaining that I wasnt seeing her enough (which was prob true), but I was there every weekend, it was kind of hard though during the weekdays. She started accusing me of seeing someone else even behind her back.

We were talking about moving in together this summer, and even marriage which more than slightly scared me but I couldn’t tell her that.

Eventually we would fight about anything then have make-up sex and then fight about another thing. It was exhausting and stressful, and the trust was almost non existent.

The blame was definitely on both of us though, I too was overbearing at times, and mean and even selfish

So, about two months ago, after a prior month of breakups and "back togethers," I told her it was over, and I just didnt pick up the phone for two weeks straight or reply to her txts. It was aweful, and so difficult and after crying at the mere sight of anything which reminded me of her (uh everything --thats how breakups are) and ignoring a bunch of pleading txts which made my heart feel like a 45 pound weight, I felt a bit better. I think breaking up with a person is the hardest though

 

We talked after that a couple of times, because I knew she had family problems and needed a trusted person to talk to, but she always seemed to ask for me back in some way, or like it was a ploy to get me jealous, it was freaking torture having to let her down again, it was like breaking up with her over and over again. I would hang up the phone and just cry because I got to hear her voice.

 

I have gone on dates with other girls since then (but I am terrified of a rebound relationship, so im probably the ****tiest date ever) and been surrounding myself with friends (which has been great), but during the busy weeks I miss her so much, I think about her skin and smile and all the fun dates we had together, - its really easy to forget about the stress pain and anxiety of a relationship when your not in one huh.

 

I know its over, and it needed to end, I have had opportunities to get her back and my gut said no. It was unhealthy as hell. I just hope one day I find someone else to open my heart to and a relationship that wont fall apart like that one did. I really want her to be happy too, but I am only human and still having a lot of trouble accepting her with someone else. I hope this anxiety and loneliness ends soon, I really want to be happy with just being myself but its such a huge change. How long does these ****ty feelings last?

[OPL86]

I know that you said your "gut said no" and that "it needed to end," but frankly, it does not sound like your gut/heart is really telling you that and maybe it did need to end - but maybe it didn't need to end forever. It's interesting - when someone breaks up with another person, they often try to say "oh I've changed" or shift the blame and say "you've changed," but then when the other person wants to get back together and tries to say they have changed for the BETTER or they are willing to with some help/patience, the other person is quick to say "people don't change." Frankly - it has nothing to do with change. People grow. I have no doubt that your ex-girlfriend was so hurt by the breakup and the fact that you refused to try things again that in her next relationship, she will NOT do those same things again because she will never want to feel the heartache of another breakup again.

 

Maybe it did need to end. Maybe it was a long time coming. However, that does not mean you can't try to get back together. I think there's a reason you're so upset over having lost her - and I think deep down, maybe it's because you're meant to be. Sometimes, if you love someone enough, you have to have enough faith in them to give them another shot. Maybe you gave her other chances before, but you admitted yourself that you contributed to some of the issues - maybe you need to put a little more effort into working on things as well and that will do the trick.

 

Is there anything she could say or do at this point that would change your mind about not getting back together?