Him, the EX, and me.

[DerangedAngel]

This past spring, my boyfriend 'cheated' on me with his ex-girlfriend. Just to give back story for those of you who haven't read my other posts about it - We met via the www last year, had an immediate romantic interest in each other, and had a verbal agreement not to see anyone else until we could meet up in person (sometime in the spring).

 

I stuck to this agreement and fell head over heels for this guy, foolishly perhaps, before I met him face to face. A week after we met, he confessed that he had gone out a few times with his ex.

 

Now, you'd think I'd have gotten over this by now... but I haven't. I realize it is somewhat different/complicated since we didn't have a "real" relationship, but I am still afraid that he might go back to her.

 

I have mentioned this to him before, and he was really sweet about the whole thing, in the beginning. I know he is truly sorry for what happened, and I believe him when he says he hasn't done anything since we met in person. So, I don't want to keep bringing this up with him. We are able to communicate, that isn't the thing. This is my problem, and he's heard enough about it. Sometimes now when I bring it up, he gets angry. So I'd like some help from you guys.

 

I feel like the EX is sometimes a bigger part of the relationship than I am. That's silly, I know, but I can't do anything without wondering if she did it better. I hate this feeling.

 

Do you guys think seeing a counselor would be ridiculous? I feel like my problem is so so tiny compared to the problems of some that post on this board, yet I don't see myself getting over it. I want to be able to... I have such a wonderful guy and we've been getting along so great. I love him very much, and don't want to hold back based on some of my fears. Make sense?

 

(Thinkalot, I would love to hear some suggestions from you. I've read your posts about obsessive thinking and would love more. And moimeme and DYER, throw it at me. )

 

-Deranged

[dyermaker]

Not that I was invited, I noticed, but I have a question. When you say counseling, do you mean as a couple? Or, just by yourself?

[DerangedAngel]

Not that I was invited

 

Y'ar now.

 

When you say counseling, do you mean as a couple? Or, just by yourself?

 

I meant by myself. Thought I might freak him out with "Couples Therapy". But he would probably do it...

 

-Deranged

[moimeme]

Everything I'd say to you, I already said to Thinkalot. It's about trust and about learning to not obsess. Thinkalot is now the most valuable resource in this instance, because she can speak from experience about what has worked for her.

[brashgal]

I think going to therapist yourself would be a good idea. You can read all you want to on the boards here but I think it would be helpful to talk this out with someone, especially in light of the length of time you've been harboring these thoughts.

[dyermaker]

Hey, now that I'm invited

 

I have a survey for you, it might help you to respond on this post, but it's really about introspection. They might be some questions that your therapist would ask, but they might not, I dunno, I've never been to such a session.

 

1. Do you think that he felt the same way as you do about you two before and up to the time he cheated?

2. Do you think that he does now?

3. What things has he done to assure you that it won't happen again?

4. How long before your LDR isn't LD anymore?

5. Would he agree with your answer?

6. When you bring it up, the cheating, does anything cause you to do so--or is it just a random thought?

7. If so, is it his action or yours that brings about the thought?

8. Do you think that you'd have these feelings whether or not he cheated?

9. Do you think that he'd be with her if he wasn't with you?

10. Do you think that he'd be with you if he wasn't over her?

11. ARE you holding back because of your fears?

12. Is he?

[Samson]

Well suppose the invite was open to post? At any rate, as long as we don't stray into the category of synthetic........Whoa!

 

Agreed with brash, if you feel that the emotions that you are feeling might really be having a serious impact and that you cannot control them. The therapist will help root out whatever it is that's causing your fear, help you face them. We know, because you told us that you fear he'll leave you. But in proportion to everything else tragically that could happen to you it wouldn't be all that bad. I sense you realise this also.

 

I wonder, how do you seem to maintain perspective while begining the thread, but claim to lose it when your with BF?

[Thinkalot]

Hi Deranged. I really get what you are saying, and think that although the circumstances are different, the core of your problem is the same as the problem I have been battling. I am somewhat of a "veteran" on the subject now... lol!

 

I have shared many tactics for combatting this kind of thing in my thread in the self improvement section...and was responding on there as recently as yesterday, so please read through, and even post a reply there letting me know what you think and if you can relate in some way. I even posted asking for MORE tactics yesterday, and moimeme wrote down a few good one liners!

 

It is not stupid or little or anything else. You don't need to feel embarassed because it doesn't seem like a "big enough" problem. It's a pain in the a$$! Our minds get stuck. We get scared, we obsess, we want to let go, but at the same time we are too scared to. BUT WE CAN.

 

Please, DO NOT CONTINUE TO PUSH HIM AWAY OR MAKE HIM TENSE AND ANGRY. Been down that road...arrgghhhh...very hard to then undo the damage and rebuild trust..on HIS side. You see, when you doubt and question him, you are saying "I don't trust You- I dont believe you" and that can get very tiring. It will actually start to undermine your relationship with him.

 

You've moved past those early stages now, so forgive and move forward with him.

 

A counsellor is a great suggestion. If at first you dont find them helpful, then find someone else. They can help you understand what drives the thoughts, and where the fear has come from, and help you let it go.

 

Write stuff down...also very helpful...anyhow...read my other stuff in the self improvement section, and also my most recent thread in the gen. relationship section- might really help you out.

 

Also, I laughed when you said it was like SHE was a big part of your relationship. Crazy isn't it? My psychologist said to me, "Do you realise , that by constantly comparing yourself with her, you are taking her everywhere you go? You are actually taking her out on dates with you...a lovely threesome". Now when SHE appears in my head, I calm down, tell myself he loves me and what we have is great. I also get a bit tough and tell her to PISS OFF- I really don't want her gatecrashing anymore.

 

 

Let me know how you go...PM me if you like. All the best,

Thinkalot

[DerangedAngel]

1. Do you think that he felt the same way as you do about you two before and up to the time he cheated?

 

No.

 

2. Do you think that he does now?

 

Yes.

 

3. What things has he done to assure you that it won't happen again?

 

Hmm.. tough to answer. Besides apologizing and promising (not 'assurance', I know), he has offered to give me access to his phone records, lets me check up on him from time to time. But I don't *like* that. It doesn't help anything... I always question silly things in my mind. That I know are silly, but I still can't get my thoughts to leave me the hell alone.

 

4. How long before your LDR isn't LD anymore?

 

Here's the awful part. He doesn't think we should move in together until I can truly trust him. Which is like a catch-22, because I don't know if I can trust him... until I can be closer to him. He does frequently talk about how nice it would be if we lived together, but I know he won't budge on this. We have a fairly big age gap between us, and he doesn't want to be seen as the "bad guy" if things don't work out. That's why he thinks the trust must be there beforehand.

 

5. Would he agree with your answer?

 

Yes.

 

6. When you bring it up, the cheating, does anything cause you to do so--or is it just a random thought?

 

Sometimes it can be random. Most of the time it isn't. I freak out when he says he's going to be programming for a few hours, or if his work schedule changes. I hold it in which is bad, I know. I'm worried about STUPID STUPID things. Like today, he usually has MSN open at work and I sent him a message just to say hi. One of his coworkers was sitting at his computer and responding that my BF wasn't busy with work, but he was talking to some girl right now. Immediately I thought "WHAT IF IT'S HER?" My boyfriend obviously threatened to hurt the guy if he didn't tell me he was kidding.

 

7. If so, is it his action or yours that brings about the thought?

 

His. But none of his actions are really questionable. My thoughts are irrational.

 

8. Do you think that you'd have these feelings whether or not he cheated?

 

Honestly, No. I completely trusted him before.

 

9. Do you think that he'd be with her if he wasn't with you?

 

He says he wouldn't be. She's tried to contact me several times to cause problems, and he's pretty pissed about it.

 

10. Do you think that he'd be with you if he wasn't over her?

 

No.

 

11. ARE you holding back because of your fears?

 

Yes.

 

12. Is he?

 

I don't know.

 

Samson,

 

I wonder, how do you seem to maintain perspective while begining the thread, but claim to lose it when your with BF?

 

I don't necessarily lose perspective. I know my feelings are "wrong" (in a sense), and that they effect us in a negative way. I can control them, but I feel miserable doing so. I need to get them out, to help me feel like they're just silly things. Problem is, I don't need to just do it once. I seem to need to do it over and over again. I know it gets annoying for him.

 

I'm afraid of water. I do not like to be in water over my head. I can swim, though. My mother made me take lessons. I can sit back and tell you I shouldn't be afraid, because nothing is going to happen to me, I won't drown. But you throw me in the water, I'll squeal like a baby. Same thing, maybe?

 

-Deranged

[Arabess]

Those were some great questions. I imagine you'll think about them later and even have a deeper thought about some of them. They may really lead you to the 'truths' of your relationship.

 

Anytime you are in a LDR though....there are bound to be insecurities! It's not like you are sharing a kiss at the end of the day to 'make it all better'. It certainly has it's drawbacks. Then again, it also gives you a chance to share and talk about many things which often get avoided in 'face to face' relationships.

 

Regardless the distance, or lack of it, between you......love is always a gamble. Sometimes you win....sometimes you lose and sometimes, you wish to hell you'd never played at all. LOL! There are no guarantees...but without the risk....you stand alone.

 

Good Luck Angel......please keep us posted as to how things are going and what answers you find within yourself.

[Thinkalot]

Originally posted by DerangedAngel

 

 

I don't necessarily lose perspective. I know my feelings are "wrong" (in a sense), and that they effect us in a negative way. I can control them, but I feel miserable doing so. I need to get them out, to help me feel like they're just silly things. Problem is, I don't need to just do it once. I seem to need to do it over and over again. I know it gets annoying for him.

 

-Deranged

 

 

That's exactly how I felt when I used to let them control me all the time, and sometimes, when they do still get a bit of a grip on me. You are never satisfied...you can' stand holding the stuff in, but then voicing it doesn't help either. You need to address the root of the problem, so you don't NEED TO KEEP ASKING.

[spencer]

I don't think your feelings are "wrong"

their just feelings.

 

1st of all, you both made an agreement to not date others till you met.

while personally I don't think this was a good idea, it's not my place to judge.

you did this agreement and he didn't keep his end of it.

your trust was violated, feeling betrayed, because you were.

its not trivial.

I don't think this would have been a problem if you didn't have a no dating others contract.

Do you?

Instead he went out and dated, while you were home patiently waiting for him, turning down hot guys left and right.

 

If you want a relationship with him, discuss that the contract was mabye not a good idea especially if he didn't intend to follow through. And he should have just been honest with you up front and there would not have been a problem. He didn't give you the oportunity to do what he was doing. therefore, not fair. you played by the rules, he did not.

The relationship started with trust broken, you can overcome it, but he has to earn the trust for the relationship to go further.

 

 

Stop being so down on yourself. If you think he is talking with her, ask him. tell him you need reasurance ALOT, if he is a good guy he will keep reassuring you till you are comfortable.

[Samson]

I can control them, but I feel miserable doing so. I need to get them out, to help me feel like they're just silly things. Problem is, I don't need to just do it once. I seem to need to do it over and over again. I know it gets annoying for him.

 

Believe me , Deranged, your misery is NOT shared and it is tearing you up much, much more than him (who to this point only finds it annoying). I'm not telling you you should forget. But you'd better, forgive.

[moimeme]

DA - whether or not it was triggered by that event, it does sound like obsessive thinking. You may well need counselling to quiet it. The clue, as picked up by Thinkalot, is your saying you 'need' to ask questions.

I seem to need to do it over and over again. Yep. If you end up unable to control your thoughts, it's time to ask for outside help. This tortures you and you don't need to be tortured.

[Thinkalot]

Originally posted by spencer

 

The relationship started with trust broken, you can overcome it, but he has to earn the trust for the relationship to go further.

 

 

Stop being so down on yourself. If you think he is talking with her, ask him. tell him you need reasurance ALOT, if he is a good guy he will keep reassuring you till you are comfortable.

 

I agree and disagree with these comments. Yes, he does need to earn trust, but surely by now he should have that trust?

 

And no, he should not have to keep reassuring until you are comfortable, if you are being unreasonable or overly insecure about this. It sounds like that may be the case, and therefore it is up to you DA to fix yourself. Guys can only take so much, and can only give so much reassurance, then they just run out of patience and get angry with the persistant questioning. It does then become unfair on THEM. You say you keep needing to ask things...so where will the line be drawn? When exactly, WILL he have earned your trust?

See what I'm getting at here?

 

It's true, I may be coloured by my own experiences here, but I think they are relevant to this situation.

 

Hope this helps you out a bit more. Stick with it, and yes, don't beat yourself up about it!