Is She Right To Be Furious?

[ChrisMac]

So awhile ago I was in love with an amazing girl, and after two great years together she had to leave the country to pursue her lifelong dream as a scientist -- the only school that accepted her was in Switzerland. She probably would have stayed if I'd asked, but I didn't want to keep her from her dreams.

 

So we kept it going for two years, spending thousands to see each other 2-3 times a year, and we missed each other like hell. And there was no end in sight. Finally after two years of being apart and no solution available for at least another 2-3 years, the pain of being apart was too much and I said we should end it.

 

I said I would keep paying down the high debt I'd accumulated traveling, and when I could afford it -- if I got in -- I'd apply to business school over there and if that worked we could be together again then. She was upset and hurt but we kept talking daily about making it work, until about a year ago when she started dating a guy she works with and stopped returning calls.

 

I do NOT blame her for dating someone new. I asked for it, and I'm glad she's not still lonely. It still hurts like hell, though. But as of this past month it looks like -- surprisingly -- the school option is going to work. I paid down all my debt, and it looks like I'm starting in London in September. I can't ask her back because she seems to have moved on.

 

I saw her last week and she was just brutal, throwing out insults left and right, pretending as if our relationship had never meant anything, and going out of her way to detail all of her new guy's new great qualities -- how many languages he speaks, how nice his place is, and so on. She also asked "If we ever got back together, how do I know you wouldn't just dump me again?", but wouldn't listen to any responses. I'm so sorry that I said we should break up until we knew when we could be back together. But I can't go back. She's also terrified that her new guy is going to leave her as well.

 

All I really want to know is -- is she right? Was I a bastard for wanting to end it until we knew if and when we could be together again? Would anyone else have made a different choice? I'm letting go and moving on with great sadness, but the thing I want to know most is whether what I did was really unreasonable given the situation.

Edited May 26, 2010 by ChrisMac

[quankanne]

I think you made a very difficult, but mature decision when you chose to call off the relationship. And while I understand her being disappointed, jeez – still being that kind of furious for the past year shows a certain amount of immaturity.

 

yes, getting dumped is painful, but there were certain factors that you realized that were a huge impediment to the relationship at that time, and that is a bit more understandable than being ditched for stupid, cruel reasons. She needs to grow the hell up, IMO, and see that sometimes things just don't work out the way we desire, and we move on all the wiser.

 

her response it totally out of proportion for someone with a grip on how life actually works.

[ChrisMac]

Thanks, Quankanne. That absolutely makes sense, and helps. I keep wondering whether I shouldn't send a last letter of explanation to try to end things better, but then think it's better to just let it go.

[Template]

Clearly she isn't over you, and there are many reason why she'd act this way. Maybe she never really completely understood why you'd end it. Who knows, maybe her new boyfriend was filling her head with lies to help her get over you. Or maybe she's just trying to protect herself.

 

I think it take real maturity to do what you did, and I can imagine it hurt just as much or more than it hurt her. It probably was one of the toughest decisions in your life. However, I hope that you understood, that as you want her to move on, you yourself will move on as well. Maybe sometime down the line you may get a chance to be friends... maybe not. Who cares... just go out and enjoy life to its fullest.

[BS76]

So awhile ago I was in love with an amazing girl, and after two great years together she had to leave the country to pursue her lifelong dream as a scientist -- the only school that accepted her was in Switzerland. She probably would have stayed if I'd asked, but I didn't want to keep her from her dreams.

 

So we kept it going for two years, spending thousands to see each other 2-3 times a year, and we missed each other like hell. And there was no end in sight. Finally after two years of being apart and no solution available for at least another 2-3 years, the pain of being apart was too much and I said we should end it.

 

I said I would keep paying down the high debt I'd accumulated traveling, and when I could afford it -- if I got in -- I'd apply to business school over there and if that worked we could be together again then. She was upset and hurt but we kept talking daily about making it work, until about a year ago when she started dating a guy she works with and stopped returning calls.

 

I do NOT blame her for dating someone new. I asked for it, and I'm glad she's not still lonely. It still hurts like hell, though. But as of this past month it looks like -- surprisingly -- the school option is going to work. I paid down all my debt, and it looks like I'm starting in London in September. I can't ask her back because she seems to have moved on.

 

I saw her last week and she was just brutal, throwing out insults left and right, pretending as if our relationship had never meant anything, and going out of her way to detail all of her new guy's new great qualities -- how many languages he speaks, how nice his place is, and so on. She also asked "If we ever got back together, how do I know you wouldn't just dump me again?", but wouldn't listen to any responses. I'm so sorry that I said we should break up until we knew when we could be back together. But I can't go back. She's also terrified that her new guy is going to leave her as well.

 

All I really want to know is -- is she right? Was I a bastard for wanting to end it until we knew if and when we could be together again? Would anyone else have made a different choice? I'm letting go and moving on with great sadness, but the thing I want to know most is whether what I did was really unreasonable given the situation.

 

She's acting like a bitter spoiled child. Move on and don't look back.

[VelveteenBunny]

I am sorry you and your ex are both hurting right now. It sounds to me like she's not really over you or your breakup. Clearly, your relationship mattered to her or she wouldn't have been so angry or hurt over the breakup. When she tells you it didn't mean anything, it can be one of two things. It could be an attempt to hurt you (lash out at you) the way you've hurt her. Although this might seem mean, it is normal for people or animals who are wounded to lash out, esp. if the "threat" (in this case, emotional threat) is around. It is also possibly a protection mechanism. She might be lying to herself, saying it never mattered, to try and block the pain out. Or maybe she's lying to you, because appearing to not care makes her feel less vulnerable. When someone knows we care, and that we are hurt, we become vulnerable- they see our weaknesses: love, desire, pain.

 

You coming back into her life and telling her things could work out for you all now, after she has established another relationship, has obviously put her into an emotional tailspin. Here is someone who loved you, you left her (no matter how reasonably, under the circumstances) and that hurt her deeply. You told her you might (at some indefinite time, I presume?) get back together with her someday, if you could pay off your debts and get enrolled in school there. Maybe, someday, if, etc. That isn't a normal breakup- it's an open ended one. While that sort of hope is nice, it can also prolong the grieving and healing process. The person left behind can keep thinking, "Well, he said IF he can do this, he MIGHT get back with me, SOMEDAY," so the person keeps hanging on. Yet, they have this sense of loss due to the temp. breakup and due to knowing it might be permanent. They can't fully grieve the loss, because they are holding out some hope, yet the hope isn't enough to alleviate all of the pain and loss, so it prolongs the grieving process. IF the gal or guy does eventually take them back, it can be worth it. If s/he doesn't, then they've hurt all that time, hoped all that time, just to finally have that hope crushed, find they've wasted years waiting on a person who, in the end walked away, anyway, and then they have re-invigorated grief, befor they can grieve, heal, and move on. On top of that, you've wasted years for nothing. I know she asked you to wait while she was at college and committed, and you know how difficult that was for you. Asking her to wait while you weren't committed, until you could figure out if you were even going to be with her or not, is just as difficult for someone to do, I'd say, if not more so.

 

So, she got another guy, and you say you understand this. This was possibly not just out of loneliness. It is possible she also did this to finalize in her mind that you two were broken up, because open ended relationships leave us with this feeling of it not being settled, yet. Maybe she figured you'd never come back and she didn't want to hold on, painfully just to find that out, so she started over with someone else to convince herself it was over. It's also possible she was simply lonely, or that she did it to lash out at you.

 

And now, what on Earth happens? You actually DID pay off the debt- surprise! You DID manage to get into school there. You CAN be together. Now that she's actually started something with someone else- someone that she might ALSO have feelings for. She clearly cares for you, but perhaps, him, as well. Now that she might have gotten herself somewhat further along in the healing process (though obviously not completely), and established a relationship with someone else, and possibly made an emotional connection, you are now ready to be with her. Not only might this feel like an "at your convenience" thing (though in fairness you did wait 2 years for her), but there's more. What if she does still love you? What if she also cares for him? What if she was getting over you enough to function, but not enough to say she was totally past it? Now you've turned everything upside down and she doesn't know what to do. Should she be with him? Should she be with you? And if she is with you, will you hurt her again? She might be talking about how wonderful he is to, 1. Make you jealous, 2. Appear to be doing fine (again, trying not to be vulnerable by showing weakness, putting on a strong front), 3. Lashing out because you hurt her ("See how much better I can do!" sort of thing), or 4. Trying to convince herself that this guy is better than you and so is their relationship (whether she really believes it or feels that way or not), in order to fight giving in to a possible urge to give you a second chance, which part of her prob. wants to do. When she asks, "If we ever got back together, how do I know you wouldn't just dump me again?," she prob. wants to think you wouldn't, that she could trust you not to. She prob. really wants to believe it, but she's still so hurt, she is afraid to trust you again, doesn't know if she can. She might want you to offer her a reason to trust you. She doesn't listen to responses because she's 1. angry still, 2. hurt (which is prob. where anger is arising from), 3. thinks blocking you out like this makes her seem more in control, less vulnerable, 4. really doesn't think anything you say will help her have faith again, or 4. she is afraid you might convince her, might catch her guard down, and she'd let you in just to get hurt all over again. You say she's terrified the new guy will leave her- this could be because he is showing signs of it, or if could be that being left before has left her with a difficult time feeling secure in a relationship, ESP. if you appeared fine before and suddenly dumped her, but I don't know if that was the case.

 

Cutting you off completely was harsh, and I sympathize, because I've been there myself. I also think your decision to break up was prob. reasonable, since most relationships don't survive long distance, and at least you didn't cheat on her, consider yourselves broken up, and then pretend to her that you were dating. You could have been much worse, but breakups hurt anyway. I assume you were her first love, given your ages? Someone below said something like "anyone who knows how the world works," but if you were her first love, she prob. didn't know, didn't believe or thought you were exempt. This was what taught her how it works, and she's still trying to accept that. It is not unusual that she is still hurt a year later after a 4 year relationship, either. You were not unreasonable in leaving, but she is still grieving that and that is normal. She also is prob. still interested in reconnecting, but scared to, plus she might like this new guy, as well, and now you have disrupted things by marching back in as she tried to pick up the pieces and saying, now I'm ready. I am not saying you shouldn't offer. You SHOULD give her the option to be with you again if you love her, but expect her to lash out, to push you away at first, and then to need time to decide between you, this new guy, or no one at all. Good luck in getting her back.

[ChrisMac]

You SHOULD give her the option to be with you again if you love her, but expect her to lash out, to push you away at first, and then to need time to decide between you, this new guy, or no one at all. Good luck in getting her back.

 

Wow. I never expected such a thorough, well-thought-out, and remarkably on-point response from an internet message board. Thank you so much for the time you put into that -- I'm not sure if anything you said didn't ring true.

 

So she just drunk dialed me Friday night at 6am her time while I was finishing yet another app (this one has a scholarship), and insisted on talking for an hour about nothing really important. She hasn't done that in a year. Not sure where her boyfriend was, but it's become pretty clear that while she does want to keep him for now, he's not someone she's likely to stay with forever. Whether she's admitting that to herself or not at the moment I'm not sure.

 

I've decided I'm going to write her a letter explaining why I still feel we did the right thing, but also explain how the ONLY reason for breaking up was the distance and the pain of being apart, and list the many, many reasons why -- if we are able to be together in the same country -- it would never happen again.

 

My acceptance to a good school in London was also finally confirmed on Friday. I AM going to be there, and we can have a potentially amazing life together -- IF she can bring herself to understand why the breakup wasn't about her but just about not spending five years apart, only to find out that we couldn't be together after all. In your lists of possible reasons for her behavior, I'm convinced that much of what she's doing is repressing feelings, as since we've been apart she's been cutting her arms, which terrifies me and I know is usually caused by people who haven't learned to deal with difficult emotions.

 

Hopefully I'll find a way to get through the hurt she's causing herself and make it right. My only worry is that by trying to contact her and make it work, like you say I'm also causing even more emotional distress and potentially even making the problem worse.

 

Tough call: make myself available for the possibility of her forgiving me and us happily being together again, or save her the turmoil and go there but remain out of contact?

[quankanne]

if this is what you really want, tell her the door is still open to the possibility of renewing your relationship; and that while you know the break-up hurt her badly, if she really wants y'all to work as a couple, she's going to have to move past the hurt of the past and focus on the now.

 

just my two cents ...