UneekLadee Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 Hey I am new here...any advice is welcomed...here it goes: I got used again by the same sort of guy that I keep seem to be falling for. It was only a two month affair. I use the word affair as from the beginning it was clear that we are just friends…however…grey areas lurked and these should have been my first red flags. Instead, I saw them as hope and opportunity. He would say things like “I am not ready for a relationship but I this things with you works out.” Clearly he stated he was not ready for a relationship yet he gave me hope and made me think that what we had was special. I have been googling advice for the past week and I know that I am not the only woman to go through this. I just feel so violated. He dropped me the second that I challenged him. The curve ball is that he is recently single and his ex knows way too many details about me and the relationship I had with him. He blamed me for telling people but in all honesty noone knew. He asked that I keep it quiet until he got his life settled. We had been friends prior to this for years but had never been single at the same time. He had been hinting in many of our MSN chats about how he should have chosen me all along. I never entertained any ideas of having an affair and always said it was unfortunate that it could never as life for us took a different route. He ended up becoming single and rushed to me to comfort him, as I was more than willing to do. One thing lead to another and comforting turned physical over time. He made me feel good. Then the drama started. His ex saw us together and she thought that was disrespectful. I ask why? He said because she blames me for thebreak up. I was flabbergasted…we do live ina small town and I chalked it up to small town gossip. Then the drama began to heap on and he said that we have to keep out friendship on the “down low” and only meet at night. Which always meant we would have sex. He used me and lead me on. He would call to cuddle, he had a pet name for me, he said he missed me and last week he said he loved me. But was not ready for a relationship. The end result is that my head was very confused yet I kept doing things that only allowed him to treat me that way. I have now found out he was seen with a few other girls making out. He is seen all the time out for dinner with his ex. Everything he has told me is a lie. I was used again. I don’t how to get rid of these feelings like I screwed up. I was so stupid. At least the last guy left town (that is a long story, 5 years). Why do I keep doing this?
2sure Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 Well, its a good thing that you recognize the behavior for what it is and to whom it belongs..YOU. Something inside you does not feel you have the right to have a normal loving relationship or at least that you are in a position to accept less. The why to that can take a lot of work and time to figure out. Meanwhile....go thru the motions. What I mean by that is...regardless of how you feel, no matter how lonely you may get...do not accept less than your ideal. It will mean you are alone for awhile but during this time you will recognize and develop your criteria for a partner. When you have none, thats what you get. Soon..you will realize that you deserve , want and can have the things you want in a partner. The hardest thing..is doing without while you figure it out.
Author UneekLadee Posted May 27, 2010 Author Posted May 27, 2010 Thanks for your reply. Well, it is easy for me to look at everything he did. Honestly, I let him and I want to figure out why. I am realizing there are a number of triggers that occur when I first start the motions of a relationship. In all honesty, I have no criteria. I used to in my early twenties but it seems to have been whiddled down to nothing. I am really hurt and let another creep in. But this time, I want to work on myself. I just don't know where to start. Trust me...I am happy taking time and being alone if it means I can fix this brokeness in me. I have a good circle of friends this time. I am making healthier choices. Not going to lie though, part of me hopes he gets hit in the junk one day
2sure Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 Oh, they all get hit in the junk eventually. Do what I did. Make a list of your required criteria... You dont have to start with what you want in a life mate. Just a list of the basic attributes you REQUIRE in a date. That alone will get you on a start toward not simply accepting what you are handed. If you adhere to your basic list...soon you will find that you are not even attracted to those that dont meet it.
Author UneekLadee Posted May 27, 2010 Author Posted May 27, 2010 Whew...that I can do. Thanks for you advice. It really does help. I thought I was going crazy there for a bit. Better to stare it down than to keep deluding myself. Item # 1: Not be a douchebag
2sure Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 Be emotionally available - thats a good one. Or more specific things like: Be a college grad. It doesnt matter so much if you are or not...its still OK to have that requirement.
Author UneekLadee Posted May 27, 2010 Author Posted May 27, 2010 Emotionally Available...that has never been a criteria and usually that is when I break myself trying to be everything...and I still am...I have to quit blaming myself for the dissolution of this "friendship" but I don't know how...I feel like I screwed it up.
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