Silly-Girl Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 Me and my husband have been married for a little bit more than three years now, we are both 24 years old and obviously got married pretty young (at 21). Last year he started playing computer games online with his friends, and since then he has been playing every day for hours, before going to work and after, and I think he is quite addicted to it now. At first when it all started I felt sad and angry, he wasn`t paying any attention to me nor to our child and I kept crying every night when going to sleep. I tried talking to him about it, but he kept saying I was making a big fuss out of nothing. With time I got used to it, but my feelings for him have changed, somehow I got numb, and don`t feel the same way as before, although I still love him because he is my husband, but we do fight often. So, a few months back a guy at work was flirting with me and after a while I asked him if he wanted to hang out not knowing that he had a girlfriend. He said no because he was in a relationship and I was married. But we agreed we would behave like if nothing happened, that everything would be normal, without any embaressment. After that happened I was at home for a few months, not working, and last month I went back to work. When I saw him it was all weird, the whole situation, and we couldn`t even say hi to each other (I was a bit embaressed), but the few times I saw him, every time he was looking at me and I cought his eye. If he doesn`t want anything with me, why does he keep looking and turning around to see if I`m looking at him? I`m confused because I really like this guy, but I am married at the same time. I know that my husband loves me, but he doesn`t want to understand that I need more attention and need to spend time with him, because if he payed more attention to me I wouldn`t be liking this other guy. Should I say something about it to my husband? What do you think my collegue thinks of me now? Perhaps I scared him off, and in a way I`m glad it came out this way because I really don`t want to cheat on my husband.
quankanne Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 something I've noticed in all these years of marriage to my husband is that when I get upset with him (usually for not spending enough wifey-time with me) is that suddenly, other guys are more appealing. Not because I want to go out and cheat, but because they're friendly, they communicate easily ... basically, they exhibit those traits I'm wishing my husband would. So, in a sense, it's kind of an instinctive, "yeah, well, if you don't pay attention to me there are PLENTY of people who like being around me, so there!" kind of thing. Or, if you will, a balm to our bruised ego ... best thing to do is to get your husband in a neutral setting and non-threateningly talk to him about how it makes you feel being ignored. Sometimes, you'll find yourself pitching a fit because he's just too dense, other times, all you have to say is, "I'd like more time being alone with you, with no other distractions." Because you've made the conversation as non-threatening as possible, he is more likely to listen. as for the co-worker, he might have misunderstood your invite to hang out with his girlfriend and him; if you honestly only want to keep it at the friendship level, explain to him that you didn't mean for it to sound like a cheap come-on, but a genuine invite to hang out as couples sometimes do. Chances are, he's probably feeling as strange about the conversation as you are, and would appreciate the air being cleared. back to the husband: I've been married 18 years, and have come to realize that the best policy is to be open in communications ... that if something about the relationship bugs you, address it as soon as you can, otherwise, it just turns into a festering sore that you become obsessed with, when all it needed was a little bit of early treatment, you know? my feelings for him have changed, somehow I got numb, and don`t feel the same way as before, although I still love him because he is my husband ah, this is pride rearing it's ugly head. If you still love him, the relationship is still very much alive. Sometimes you need to take matters in hand to get HIM to respond ... you know, like a farmer uses both carrot and stick to get his mule going sometimes? :laugh:
Author Silly-Girl Posted May 26, 2010 Author Posted May 26, 2010 "explain to him that you didn't mean for it to sound like a cheap come-on" I actually did mean that because I was so desperate of being alone all the time, but he flirted with me so I thought he liked me not knowing that he had a gf (which didn`t last long, just for a few months). I`m confused about him, because he gave me all those signs and then said no, and that was embaressing for me. I apologized to him after that and he said that everything was fine, I had nothing to worry about, but it obviously is not fine
schro31185 Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 Well I'm no expert, but it seems to me like the awkwardness with your co-worker is equally or more important of an issue to you, than your relationship with your husband. Like you have come to terms with his behavior, and while your not happy with it you don't seem to think it will change.
Enema Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 You don't seem very apologetic or embarrassed about trying to cheat on your husband, merely embarrassed that he said no. Do you think cheating is ok or will solve any of your problems?
Author Silly-Girl Posted May 26, 2010 Author Posted May 26, 2010 Well, I have been trying so hard to improve my marriage with my husband but it's like a one-way street, and I alone cannot change that. I know that I wont be cheating on him because it wouldn't make anything better, but at least I can try to make other things right, although I'm not sure how.
She's_NotInLove_w/Me Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 Please find the maturity to step away from this other man. The absolute worst thing you can do for EVERYONE involved (that means you, your H, the OM, and your child) is pursue this man or any other man while still married... Please make sure to completely finish one relationship before beginning another... As for your marriage, I bet it can be saved. What you are going through is extremely common. You have to want the marriage badly enough though. Re-connecting begins with communicating better. The secret attraction to another man is not a secret that benefits you or your marriage in any way shape or form. It must be revealed in order to heal the marriage. Sometimes you have to take a step backward to eventually move forward.
Author Silly-Girl Posted May 27, 2010 Author Posted May 27, 2010 I have already talked to him about it, but he says that he loves playing games and that he wouldn`t stop just because I have a problem with it. Lately, I have lost interest in my husband and don`t even feel attracted to him anymore because he is being so childish. I feel like we are roommates just living together and not husband and wife, because he just doesn`t seem to care about my feelings and doesn`t take me seriously. I tried everything so far , but nothing really works. I feel so desperate.
reboot Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 Then it's time to take off the kid gloves. Tell him to find time for you or he'll find himself watching you with someone that will. Start playing hardball. That doesn't mean cheat on him. That just means wake him up to reality.
ComputerJock Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 Maybe counsling, by church or local services, maybe colleges in area could provide marriage councling. Tell him anther man is interested in you and he doesn't play video games. Also video games can be very addictive, but if he has to choose between video games and losing you I hope its you he chooses. If not, marriage is doomed, and I don't mean the video game DOOMED, IMHO.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 Also video games can be very addictive, but if he has to choose between video games and losing you I hope its you he chooses. Video games are very addictive. If you're interested in saving your marriage then you at least need to give an honest fight before you give up for good. So.... infect his computer with a nasty virus and if that doesn't work you're going to have to sabotage the transformer that leads to your house. Have some hobbies (that you wouldn't mind sharing with your H) in mind to pick up as soon as you take down his game time. Go mud riding, bike riding, fishing, play basket ball, make love in the neighbors pool at midnight... whatever. Also, just to mention, many times these games start cyber relationships with other women and that may be the problem. I know a friend of my son's mom had to have an intervention with her 2 older sons and their wives because the son's were constantly on the game. They chose agreed upon times that they would all game and the deal was that if they were away durning those times then the time would not be made up. Good luck.
Atlantico Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 Dress a bit provocative, and while he is playing online say "hun, I am feeling a bit lonely and I am going out with some friends to have some fun"... (that would be enough to make me jump) If he does not react to that, sit with him and talk about divorce...
lkjh Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 I have already talked to him about it, but he says that he loves playing games and that he wouldn`t stop just because I have a problem with it. Lately, I have lost interest in my husband and don`t even feel attracted to him anymore because he is being so childish. I feel like we are roommates just living together and not husband and wife, because he just doesn`t seem to care about my feelings and doesn`t take me seriously. I tried everything so far , but nothing really works. I feel so desperate. For starters you need to cut the habit of chasing after guys every time your relationship is on a down period. You will have plenty of rough times and you want to handle them with class. Second stop being nice to your H. Flat out tell him the bolded section. Tell him he needs to become a man or you are gone
rebuildingmyself Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 Don't lead the other guy on and don't cheat on your husband. It is devastating and not worth all the heartache and pain for you and everyone else involved. Do be completely honest with your husband and tell him that others flirt with you and you like their attention because he isn't giving you any. Then, if you don't have kids and things are really bad and you want out, that is always an option. But please don't have an A to end things.
Darth Vader Posted June 5, 2010 Posted June 5, 2010 I have already talked to him about it, but he says that he loves playing games and that he wouldn`t stop just because I have a problem with it. Lately, I have lost interest in my husband and don`t even feel attracted to him anymore because he is being so childish. I feel like we are roommates just living together and not husband and wife, because he just doesn`t seem to care about my feelings and doesn`t take me seriously. I tried everything so far , but nothing really works. I feel so desperate. You need to tell your husband what you've told us in this post. Also tell your hubby that you've been tempted to have an affair! Well, you have been tempted! This should be a awake up call to your husband! What game, or games is it that he's playing?
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