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I don't think I can do THIS


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Posted

What shoud the counselor be talking to us about.

 

Someone please give me an example of what type things we should be talking about.

 

I've never been to a counselor or had to shop around for one; so any advice on this subject would be great.

Posted
What shoud the counselor be talking to us about.

 

Someone please give me an example of what type things we should be talking about.

 

I've never been to a counselor or had to shop around for one; so any advice on this subject would be great.

 

Ic = Individual counseling: there is no right or wrong, no judgement, just venting your feelings and examining why you feel the way you do. Ask them if they have experience in healing from infidelity. You interview them too, like when you are seeking the best pediatrician for your children. As in any field, there are mediocre, good, great and downright wackos. Unless you threaten to do bodily harm to yourself or to another , including WS:mad:(this is the law!) all is confidential.

 

I would have lost my mind if I did not have my IC to speak with. And I demanded by husband go find his own to attend.

 

After time, we found an MC who was a nice enough man but somewhat odd. I sensed immediately my husband was not gaining respect for him, and in all honesty, I wasn't ready!

 

Indy, read, read, read. LS is completely opinion based and we are all anonymous, but there are some great web sites out there with a ton of info. Google "Infidelity."

 

You are not alone. You will survive this! Demand, explore, take, and talk with all the help available to you.

 

Does your MC know of the infidelity? Do close friends or family know, other than his mother?

 

Build a support system now!

 

As for the OW...is she married? Does her spouse know? She can be as outraged as she likes, but I do not believe she can ever prove she was being harrassed. I am amazed how outraged people are when they are caught cheating.

 

If she intends to make an issue of it, either at work, to your spouse, or anywhere....wouldn't she have to admit to web cam masturbation and phone sex?

 

I mean, c'mon. That'll go over great in the workplace.

 

Bottom line: companies HATE to be embarrassed by this nonsense. Maybe next time, she'll pick a partner outside of the workplace.

  • Author
Posted
Ic = Individual counseling: there is no right or wrong, no judgement, just venting your feelings and examining why you feel the way you do. Ask them if they have experience in healing from infidelity. You interview them too, like when you are seeking the best pediatrician for your children. As in any field, there are mediocre, good, great and downright wackos. Unless you threaten to do bodily harm to yourself or to another , including WS:mad:(this is the law!) all is confidential.

 

I would have lost my mind if I did not have my IC to speak with. And I demanded by husband go find his own to attend.

 

After time, we found an MC who was a nice enough man but somewhat odd. I sensed immediately my husband was not gaining respect for him, and in all honesty, I wasn't ready!

 

Indy, read, read, read. LS is completely opinion based and we are all anonymous, but there are some great web sites out there with a ton of info. Google "Infidelity."

 

You are not alone. You will survive this! Demand, explore, take, and talk with all the help available to you.

 

Does your MC know of the infidelity? Do close friends or family know, other than his mother?

 

Build a support system now!

 

As for the OW...is she married? Does her spouse know? She can be as outraged as she likes, but I do not believe she can ever prove she was being harrassed. I am amazed how outraged people are when they are caught cheating.

 

If she intends to make an issue of it, either at work, to your spouse, or anywhere....wouldn't she have to admit to web cam masturbation and phone sex?

 

I mean, c'mon. That'll go over great in the workplace.

 

Bottom line: companies HATE to be embarrassed by this nonsense. Maybe next time, she'll pick a partner outside of the workplace.

 

 

There was no webcam. They were in our car and in a hotel on two occassions. That's what I say about her making a stink; you go right ahead. There job has had many a wife come up there and act the plum fool in the 6 years that he has been there. The phone sex was his phone calling my phone; while he was with her in my car and him not knowing it.

Posted

Indy, you have to take care of YOU before you even consider doing some gesture for him.

Texts to him? That's flirtation as somebody else said, and completely not what you are truly feeling right now.

You act on how you feel. You don't need to be fake one iota. You tell that counselor that too.

Golf? Well if those clubs sat around for 2 years, maybe you don't have an interest in golf! So don't pretend one. You don't have to become someone other than yourself!

Many marriages have an interest that one partner doesn't share. So why would you have to golf if you don't want to? You're married, not joined at the hip.

You take care of you. He should take care of YOU. Right now, it's all about you and your hurt, and it's not about him.

Seems to me he's focused on himself enough over the affair. Now he can repay that time back to you, taking care of you.

  • Author
Posted
Indy, you have to take care of YOU before you even consider doing some gesture for him.

Texts to him? That's flirtation as somebody else said, and completely not what you are truly feeling right now.

You act on how you feel. You don't need to be fake one iota. You tell that counselor that too.

Golf? Well if those clubs sat around for 2 years, maybe you don't have an interest in golf! So don't pretend one. You don't have to become someone other than yourself!

Many marriages have an interest that one partner doesn't share. So why would you have to golf if you don't want to? You're married, not joined at the hip.

You take care of you. He should take care of YOU. Right now, it's all about you and your hurt, and it's not about him.

Seems to me he's focused on himself enough over the affair. Now he can repay that time back to you, taking care of you.

 

 

I agree.

Except, I can do for him as well; that was part of our problem. I was so into, I don't have to do what I don't want to do. I wasn't giving him what he needed.

Posted
I agree.

Except, I can do for him as well; that was part of our problem. I was so into, I don't have to do what I don't want to do. I wasn't giving him what he needed.

 

Mmmmmm.....okay. And did he ever communicate that clearly to you?

 

Did he ever say, "If you do not do a) b) or c) for me, it's a deal breaker and I am leaving the marriage?"

 

Or even, "I'll be tempted to find it elsewhere?"

 

All marriages have issues. Did he clearly communicate his needs to you?

 

Yes, we all need to do more for each other in a long-term relationship. Complacency, resentment, anger and a lack of respect for our spouses kills marriages.

 

But it in no way justifies an affair.

 

Think long and hard. What efforts was he putting into the relationship pre-affair?

Posted

PS, Indy: Do you know it is also a knee-jerk reaction within a few weeks after DDAY to blame yourself for your spouse's affair?

 

It is part of trying to control your conflicting thoughts and feelings, because they can spiral so out of control.

 

So you start to think, "what if I had done this differently, or that better, maybe none of this would have happened?"

 

It's very similiar to survivor's guilt, and is also common to PTSD.

Posted

Hey Indy---I am sorry---but there is major wrong with this picture---along with solving the prior marital problems, your straying H., needs to work back into the mge.

 

He cheated, he left the family----before you can repair anything---he needs to do what is necessary to rejoin the family----

 

Your Mc---has you groveling---He/she has YOU calling to check in with your cheating H., all during the day----that should be the other way around----Your H., cheated--he left the family

 

Get a new counselor--who specializes in repair of infidelity caused failure.

 

IMHO---This game is played as you want it to be played---by your rules, and in your time frame---Your H., doesn't get to pout, be a big baby, keep quiet---He is to show HEAVY REMORSE, AND BE CONTRITE---all the time. You need to stop being a doormat.

 

You are handling this way to low key, and being way to easy---if you do R., your H. will remember how easy it was to get back in the family, and he will just cheat again, knowing full well you will do little or nothing about it, There needs to be heavy repercussions. There needs to be heavy boundaries, with consequences.

 

You need to do a 180 for yourself, and start giving your H. the silent treatment, cold shoulder---ALL THE TIME'

 

He isn't leaving you, he doesn't wanna give up half of everything, hard as that is to take---that is a bottom line----Play this your way, by your rules----no groveling from you, and stop being a doormat!!!!!

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