I don't think I can do THIS

[Indypendence]

I am so sorry that I am going to have to finish breaking up my family. However, I can't live with the constant replay of the voicemail that I heard going through my mind. I tried, although it wasn't that long that I DID try to get through this.

 

My husbands affair is affecting me mind, body, and soul. I have lost over ten pounds in a month (which might be welocmed by some but my 128 pound frame can't take it, went to the Dr. on Friday and I now weigh 117 lbs.; I'm 5'9"), I can't sleep (starting taking sleeping pills)

 

Yeah, he is oooooooooooh so sorry. Told me everything I asked, which only let me really know what type of man I married.

 

I hear that men can compartmentalize their feelings and still love their wife and family--but be out somewhere being inappropriate with other women at the same time.

 

It irks me to think of him touching or laughing with another. The mere thoughts just drive me crazy and have me doing impulsive things. I still love the man I thought I married; this new man that I have been introduced to; I don't love, I don't believe.

 

I have to go away from him---he has to get away from me.

 

When you leave to those of you that did. Did the memories of this betrayel get easier?

 

What can I do to ease my mind?

[lonestar190]

How long ago did everything happen? Did you find it out last month or last year?

 

How long have you been together?

 

What is the composition of your family?

 

And, if you can talk about it, what was the voicemail and what was the affair? (Seems to be PA, but was it a single night or a year or more affair?)

 

Just trying to find out where you are in this situation so appropriate answers can be given.

 

We are here to help you.

[bentnotbroken]

First...stop. I do understand needing to get away and if that is what you need to do to survive now, by all means separate. But do not make any major life decisions right now. You are raw, confused, angry and in no shape to see things clearly. If you haven't considered talking with someone to help you sort out your feelings, then it might be a good idea. Someone who can help guide you in the direction of what you really want.

 

The feelings that you feel at the moment are intense...to intense too decide the rest of your life on.

[PhoenixRise]

First...stop. I do understand needing to get away and if that is what you need to do to survive now, by all means separate. But do not make any major life decisions right now. You are raw, confused, angry and in no shape to see things clearly. If you haven't considered talking with someone to help you sort out your feelings, then it might be a good idea. Someone who can help guide you in the direction of what you really want.

 

The feelings that you feel at the moment are intense...to intense too decide the rest of your life on.

 

I agree with this. Absolutely get him out of the house and away from you if you need your space. But try not to make any major decisions while you are in the midst of an emotional storm.

 

Take the time to breath. Take the time to see a counselor.

 

Take good care of yourself.

[2sure]

Indy. Ive read every single one of your posts. I feel I can identify with you .

 

My H cheated on me. Really pulled the rug from beneath me. I thought we recovered, but alas..his problems have little to do with me and he did it again.

 

So, clearly I am leaving. Divorce becomes final in august.

I love him. What he has done makes me sick and enrages me.

 

But leaving him is the hardest thing Ive ever done. Much much harder than forgiving him and getting over the first time.

Because I love him and because I know he loves me.

 

Your H may not have the same problems that mine does. You may be able to do this.

 

If you want someone to talk to, I'll give you my phone number.

[Indypendence]

how long ago did everything happen? Did you find it out last month or last year?

 

How long have you been together? 15 years

 

what is the composition of your family? 4 children. 16, 14, 11, and 6. He has been the father to my oldest since she was 1.

 

and, if you can talk about it, what was the voicemail and what was the affair? (seems to be pa, but was it a single night or a year or more affair?) voicemail of him talking dirty to his girlfriend co-worker and jacking off and her talking of their previous dates and how he acts afraid when she is being aggressive.

 

just trying to find out where you are in this situation so appropriate answers can be given.

 

We are here to help you.

 

 

i really thought i was making progress until sunday, when i had a moment and it carried on over into yesterday. What brought it on was in counseling we had homework that we were to do. I was supposed to finally go play golf with him at least once a week--with the golf clubs we bought for me over 2 years ago. And he was to write me at least one love letter a week like he used to do.

he also expressed during counseling that he wants me to text and call him throughout the day at work; just to say hi, or i love you, or i'm thinking about you. (i hadn't been doing this because i felt it would be irritating to just be calling for the heck of it, so i haven't been doing that through all these years)

well, we went to our daughters soccer games this weekend, one college showcase and the other just a regular season game for the middle girl. He wasn't coaching so, i really expected there to be some type of conversation and the love acts of touching and being in tune with one another like he and i both were saying that we needed and wanted. It was just like before, we were just there together. (maybe, i'm being too sensitive now)

on monday when he came home from work, he seemed to be in a bit of a mood; after i had called him and text him acknowledging him and his request. He comes home gives me a kiss on the cheek. (which means nothing to me now because he still did that even when he was out being an a$$) he then asks do i want to go look for houses in the neighborhood that we were planning to move to at the beginning of next year. I say yes, (he has a list of homes from a realtor we are working with)

we get in the car and there is absolutely no conversation. In my cheated on mind, i start thinking; his a$$ had plenty to say to this other woman all throughout the freaking day and night. But when he gets with me he doesn't have anything to say. So that dredges all the bs again.

geesh. I ain't used to drama and i ain't trying to get used to it.

[Samantha0905]

It sounds like either he needs to move out or you do to give you some space. I liked moving out myself because it gave me a new space I felt I could call my own, but I don't know if an attorney would suggest someone do that. Perhaps you should contact an attorney before you make any moves -- even if it is just a matter of getting yourself some space at this point in time.

[PhoenixRise]

Your thoughts, feelings, reactions, etc are all normal.

 

Does your counselor specialize in infidelity?

 

Your dday was fairly recent. Maybe it is too soon for you to be expected/pressured to send him lovey dovey texts or for you to be going out of your way at this point to do activities (the golfing) for his benefit. Does doing these things reflect how you really feel, or are they making you feel like you have to suppress how you really feel?

[Dexter Morgan]

I am so sorry that I am going to have to finish breaking up my family.

 

you aren't the one that broke up your family, he is.

 

 

Yeah, he is oooooooooooh so sorry. Told me everything I asked, which only let me really know what type of man I married.

 

same things that went through my head when I found out about my wife.

 

you are not alone in your thinking. Just don't blame yourself for whatever happens to your family. It isn't on you....its on him.

 

 

When you leave to those of you that did. Did the memories of this betrayel get easier?

 

memories of her betrayal were MUCH easier to deal with. It no longer hurts. I actually laugh at it now because she is no longer significant.

 

And in the end, I realized she did me a favor. I am now free and she is someone elses problem.

 

I have always said, and out of experience, that even if you divorce a cheater, you might think about it once in a while.....but there is no pain because I am not still in the house with her feeling like a complete fool.

 

 

What can I do to ease my mind?

 

Divorce him and start dating again, when you are ready. Once you are in the company of a good man, you'll wish you would have gotten rid of him sooner.

 

But most importantly, the memory of his cheating will no longer cause you pain.

[Dexter Morgan]

It sounds like either he needs to move out or you do to give you some space. I liked moving out myself because it gave me a new space I felt I could call my own, but I don't know if an attorney would suggest someone do that. Perhaps you should contact an attorney before you make any moves -- even if it is just a matter of getting yourself some space at this point in time.

 

My attorney told me I had no legal right to kick my xwife out. Could ask her to leave, but if she doesn't, nothing I can do unless she physically abused me or the kids.

 

Attorney also told me not to leave because if I ended up wanting the house, I'd basically be seen as abandoning it and would stand a good chance of losing it. Not that it mattered to me, I didn't care if I had the house. She'd still have owed me 1/2 the equity if she got it. but thats another thread.

[scatterd]

i can relate to all of you I started counseling today first me then the hubby.First thing that happened was him being rude making mean comments then stomping around The ride home was miserable he cheats he treats me like crap I cry I go to my daughters and he makes excuses and wants me back home over and over and over again.My whole body shakes I get an upset stomach and go to bed what a wonderful relationship I keep trying and crying.

[CrayonAngel]

Indy, So sorry for your loss.

 

Everyone is different. Some can withstand the **** storm of infidelity, some cannot. It all depends on YOU. I know I would never get over it if my H had an affair...and thats just how it is. My H is a Sex addict and 1 year out..he is in recovery..doing great..me on the other hand, I fall apart everytime a thought enters my mind. He wakes me up every morning asking if I'm happy..somedays I am, but others..not at all. and that is just from phone sex/porn/strippers...but the real deal full on A? I couldn't...

don't feel bad, he made the choices and now you get to make yours!

[2sunny]

so... he has shown the evidence to you that he's not the man you thought he could be...

 

now you are giving him THAT opportunity again - and he's doing nothing to regain the intimacy you requested...

 

HOW is this supposed to be enough? HE'S not making an effort... YOU are... still, you get the shaft by a man that only seems sorry he got caught.

 

time to move forward. his effort (none) will get you nothing. nothing isn't enough when you have a lifetime to live.

 

i'd rather be happy on my own than be with someone that is willing to dump their unhappiness on me - just to not be alone.

 

and i did - and i can tell you that happy on my own is a very beautiful thing. i sent half my life trying to make someone else happy when he had no idea how to be happy even for an hour. nothing was ever enough, right, good enough... it's exhausting wondering when that person may find happiness... i found it - for myself... you can too!

[Spark1111]

I threw him out for a while because I could not deal with my anger and rage. Nothing positive was going to happen for a long time: not for him, not for me, not for us.

 

I wasn't strong enough to bottle it all up and I was unsure I wanted anything to do with him. Period. I wwas AFRAID of the intensity of my feelings.

 

Your counselor? Have they touched on the infidelity at all? Because unless there are quite a few painful sessions regarding that, notes and texts and golf would be right out the window for me. Well, maybe a golf club ala Elin Woods.

 

I agree. Make no decision now. But what WS seem to forget is that the sight of them is the biggest trigger of all for a very long time.

 

I could not do it. See him everyday, especially if it seems as if nothing has changed for him.

 

I had to believe he WANTED ME with every bone in his body....before I could even attempt to think of an "us" again.

 

I had to be convinced that he was grateful for the possibility for me and for us, before I'd even talk to him again.

 

So for several months, it was easier not to see him, until he started to demonstrate proper remorse for his actions, not that he just had gotten caught for them, which was how he was for a few months after DDAY.

 

I didn't do it to punish him....I did it to save my own sanity and my own ego.

[Indypendence]

How long ago did everything happen? Did you find it out last month or last year?

 

How long have you been together?

 

What is the composition of your family?

 

And, if you can talk about it, what was the voicemail and what was the affair? (Seems to be PA, but was it a single night or a year or more affair?)

 

Just trying to find out where you are in this situation so appropriate answers can be given.

 

We are here to help you.

 

 

 

I am not the most patient of women. I need for this sickly feeling to leave my body and mind. I AM SO SURPRISED that this debaucle is affecting me as severly as it is. I'm not a crier. I'm not a nagger. I'm not the jealous type. These emotions are more than I can handle. All I want to do is sleep. I find no joy in anything I do anymore because my mind always wanders back to this BS.

 

I have to make myself eat. Literally make myself eat. I used to enjoy preparing dinner for my family and us eating all together at the table with all the dinnerware and serving ware. We haven't eaten a meal at our dining table since April 14th.

 

I just went to GNC and bought weight gain. Lord, I know they say you only give us what we can handle. Well, Lord, my handling mechanism is about to break down.

[Spark1111]

This is all normal. It resembles or is Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. Stop eating, stop sleeping, no joy, feel like a zombie, can't believe it, doubt your faith, doubt your intuition, doubt your sanity.

 

Indy, this is only the beginning of a very long process. You will not have control over it, like you have had in the past. It has to run its course.

 

Don't beat yourself up over it, but it is not going away today, tomorrow or next week.

[Indypendence]

This is all normal. It resembles or is Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. Stop eating, stop sleeping, no joy, feel like a zombie, can't believe it, doubt your faith, doubt your intuition, doubt your sanity.

 

Indy, this is only the beginning of a very long process. You will not have control over it, like you have had in the past. It has to run its course.

 

Don't beat yourself up over it, but it is not going away today, tomorrow or next week.[/QUOTE]

 

 

 

SPARK THE BOLDED WORDS ABOVE JUST MADE ME START CRYING. I CAN'T TAKE THIS. I REALLY CAN'T!!!

[crazycatlady]

I don't see why you should take it. Stop bottling it up, Indy. Why should you text him and call him just so he can feel reassured? He should be wooing you back, not the other way around. And it just feels like, from your words, its being expected for you to woo him. WTF. That's crazy.

 

You need to focus on yourself and the kids. And stop thinking of him and making him feel better. It might be better if he left for the time being to give you space. Spark might be on something there.

 

But right now, your top priority should be yourself and your childre. He's last place. And he has to earn it.

 

CCL

[Samantha0905]

I don't see why you should take it. Stop bottling it up, Indy. Why should you text him and call him just so he can feel reassured? He should be wooing you back, not the other way around. And it just feels like, from your words, its being expected for you to woo him. WTF. That's crazy.

 

You need to focus on yourself and the kids. And stop thinking of him and making him feel better. It might be better if he left for the time being to give you space. Spark might be on something there.

 

But right now, your top priority should be yourself and your children. He's last place. And he has to earn it.

 

CCL

 

I think so too. I think it's kind of odd the advice is for you to start texting him more, go golfing, etc. given the situation. It does almost sound like you are being told to work to flirt with him. It's bizarre. I understand in marriage counseling both have to work to save the marriage, but it doesn't sound like you have been given time to work through your feelings of anger about the affair itself.

[PhoenixRise]

Does your counselor even know there has been infidelity? Because right now, you two are NOT dealing with marital issues that texting and more attention can fix. Right now you guys are dealing with potentially marriage destroying betrayal and everything that entails.

 

Seems like your counselor is spending his/her time treating a papercut when you have a severed artery.

 

AND I want to tell you that you do get through this. I separated from my husband for awhile and we later reconciled.

 

If you ever were a strong self assured woman, you can come out of this even more so.

 

Eventually you will get to the point where you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that no matter if you reconcile or divorce, if he stays faithful or cheats again, no matter what happens you will be able to make for yourself and your children a very happy life. It will take a while for you to get there, but you will get there.

 

In the meantime, get a new counselor. The more I think about you being advised to text him lovingly all day and to accommodate him by going golfing the more I know your counselor doesn't have a clue. There is no reconciliation possible if you don't get healed. Right now, your healing is paramount.

[Indypendence]

Does your counselor even know there has been infidelity? Because right now, you two are NOT dealing with marital issues that texting and more attention can fix. Right now you guys are dealing with potentially marriage destroying betrayal and everything that entails.

 

Seems like your counselor is spending his/her time treating a papercut when you have a severed artery.

 

AND I want to tell you that you do get through this. I separated from my husband for awhile and we later reconciled.

 

If you ever were a strong self assured woman, you can come out of this even more so.

 

Eventually you will get to the point where you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that no matter if you reconcile or divorce, if he stays faithful or cheats again, no matter what happens you will be able to make for yourself and your children a very happy life. It will take a while for you to get there, but you will get there.

 

In the meantime, get a new counselor. The more I think about you being advised to text him lovingly all day and to accommodate him by going golfing the more I know your counselor doesn't have a clue. There is no reconciliation possible if you don't get healed. Right now, your healing is paramount.

 

 

 

 

Thank you so much for those words. That is what I needed to hear.

[Indypendence]

I think so too. I think it's kind of odd the advice is for you to start texting him more, go golfing, etc. given the situation. It does almost sound like you are being told to work to flirt with him. It's bizarre. I understand in marriage counseling both have to work to save the marriage, but it doesn't sound like you have been given time to work through your feelings of anger about the affair itself.

 

 

The exercise we did was to

 

1. Name things that bothers us that the other does.
   
2. Mirror back to each other what we heard and make sure we understood.
   
3. Tell the other how that made us feel and why.
   
4. Remember/Share a time in our childhood where we had these feelings.
   
5. Then share 3 attainable and specific things that we could do for one another that would make us not have those childhood feelings.
   
6. Then each partner was to pick from the 3 requests.
   

I chose the golf out of his 3 choices because I knew that was a request he had had for many years. He chose the writing of the letters from my 3 requests.

[2sunny]

The exercise we did was to

 

1. 
   
2. Name things that bothers us that the other does.
   
3. Mirror back to each other what we heard and make sure we understood.
   
4. Tell the other how that made us feel and why.
   
5. Remember/Share a time in our childhood where we had these feelings.
   
6. Then share 3 attainable and specific things that we could do for one another that would make us not have those childhood feelings.
   
7. Then each partner was to pick from the 3 requests.
   

I chose the golf out of his 3 choices because I knew that was a request he had had for many years. He chose the writing of the letters from my 3 requests.

 

[*]Name things that bothers us that the other does.

 

top of the list here would be "my husband has an OW that he's sleeping with"

 

 

 

[*]Tell the other how that made us feel and why

 

tell him how it makes you feel!!!!!!!!! tell him why!!!!! BE SPECIFIC! tell him how and why 50 times a day if you need to! he did this. he earned the right to do the repair work! he shouldn't expect that it is YOURS to fix - not now - you first need time to process and heal instead of pretending like you need to be dating. this counselor is waaaay out of order.

 

does the counselor understand perfectly well that your husband cheated?

 

if so, you need to new counselor that doesn't shove loving behavior down your throat when you actually feel like hitting him. tell your H just how mad you are. stop pretending - HE earned this when he cheated.

[Indypendence]

Well I received another call from the other woman last night around 9:30; right around the time I logged off of this site. I haven't contacted her since, I called her around the 18th of April or since the May 6th email; so I guess her new title at work is getting to her. I hate to laugh but can't help myself.

 

She called to tell me to tell my family that she has saved all the texts and emails that were sent to her and that she thought this was too good to be true.

 

She also wanted to share with me that me and my family have been harrassing her for 2 years and she is sick of it.

 

I think she was trying to get me to say something out of the way; but, I was sooooooooo surprisingly calm, it scared me and that man that I married too.

 

I'm not going to play these games, I've already done and said things I thought I would never say and I'm over it.

 

This morning I woke up with a renewed spirit. I don't and didn't deserve this shyt. I'm changing my cell number and old boy better get on the bandwagon if he wants to move on with me.

[Spark1111]

Well I received another call from the other woman last night around 9:30; right around the time I logged off of this site. I haven't contacted her since, I called her around the 18th of April or since the May 6th email; so I guess her new title at work is getting to her. I hate to laugh but can't help myself.

 

She called to tell me to tell my family that she has saved all the texts and emails that were sent to her and that she thought this was too good to be true.

 

She also wanted to share with me that me and my family have been harrassing her for 2 years and she is sick of it.

 

I think she was trying to get me to say something out of the way; but, I was sooooooooo surprisingly calm, it scared me and that man that I married too.

 

I'm not going to play these games, I've already done and said things I thought I would never say and I'm over it.

 

This morning I woke up with a renewed spirit. I don't and didn't deserve this shyt. I'm changing my cell number and old boy better get on the bandwagon if he wants to move on with me.

 

Be oh so proud of yourself. You are acting with dignity and restraint. Hand him the emails and tell him to deal with it.

 

He caused this mess, he has to fix it.

 

Tell the counselor you'd love to have a happier relationship, as soon as you are able to deal with the most painful devastion in your life! Any suggestions, Doc?

 

Ask the counselor how many infidelities he has handled in his career? Has HE/She ever been a victim of it?

 

Indy, I went to IC and demanded he did too for a very long time. We started MC prematurely, because I was unsure if I could even consider a future with him!

 

I walked out of the third session and have only just returned. Please, please, please, take care of yourself, your feelings, your pain, and talk, talk, talk to him about all of it.

 

Do not pretend to make nice, if you are pretending. First, you have to hash the affair for months if need be, years if need be, and he has to be a compassionate listener.....like a real friend, like a real adult.