JohnM Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 I'm three months into a relationship at the moment, we get on really well and have been talking in depth about the future. I'm due to travel to New Zealand in October time. I have had this planned for over a year and have been saving so I can go for a good chunk of time. I want to go for at least 4-6 months really. When I initially planned it, it was with a view to moving there if I really like it there. Obviously I don't know if it will be the case or not whether I will stay but I know my current relationship will have a bearing on my decision. When I brought up the possibility of her moving over also she was dismissive. She stated that she couldn't leave her mum alone back here. Its just her and her mother that live together you see and I think she is quite dependant on my gf. When I asked whether she would consider moving to another city at least she seemed to be reasonably interested in the prospect. Of note is the fact that her brother lives over in New Zealand also. I just don't know what I would consider if I really like it there and she would not come along, whether I would give it all up and come back. I'm posting this more as a release of thoughts, its not bothering me really, its just a passing thought. How has anyone else on here dealt with going away from their partners for an extended period of time and are there any tips you can give? Thanks in advance John.
ChrisMac Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 As someone who went through something vaguely similar awhile back, you just gotta be direct with her, man. You need to tell her how much this means to you, how much SHE means to you, and say that in a perfect world she would come with you, but you understand if she doesn't want to or can't afford the time/expense. Don't put pressure on her beyond how great a time you'd have. If she still isn't down, then let her know exactly when you'd be back and tell her to wait. If you're thinking you might still move there and she doesn't want to go, well, then you gotta end it. In the end you both have to make a decision: is she important enough to you to not live there (how do you know it's so great, anyway?), and are you important enough to her to leave her life here?
Els Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 What I don't understand, is why you had this plan in mind already, and yet STILL started a relationship locally several months before you were due to leave. I'm sorry, but what were you thinking? Of course she isn't gonna uproot for a guy she's only known for 3 months. It's either do LD, break up, or don't go.
Author JohnM Posted May 26, 2010 Author Posted May 26, 2010 To ChrisMac: Agreed, I have been very direct and the idea is very much in the open and talked about. We have communicated our feelings really well and are kind of negotiating our way through it. I don't know if it will be great, its all theory but I'm all for a change of surroundings, I may just have to make that another city here in the UK if I can't do all out abroad right now. She is important enough, I would consider not going but I have put too much time and effort into the trip and am really looking forward to it. I have also been making this plan with a friend for about 3 years also so I can't bail now. I guess as time goes on if things are still going as great as they are, we will both trust each other and can cope with the time apart. If I really enjoy it then I'll have spent my time well. I'll come back and maybe I'll move there later in life but if its all still rosy and good in relationship land then I'll wait, both for her when I come back and then another wait to see if eventually she would consider a move later in life if I still long to move abroad. To Elswyth: Because who knows if someone is going to be the right person for you? My last relationship was 4 months. She knew I planned to travel and I told her this before we even kissed. She knew what she was getting into also. We talked very early on about the situation and have agreed to stay together and that she will wait for me, as I will for her. Its not a question of breaking up and going or staying here and continuing. Its hoping that a combination of the two can be found. I'll come back if she isn't up for moving, I'm not stupid, I would not push her into moving if she doesn't want to. She plans to visit her brother whilst I am also over there so there will be some cross over time and she has seemed more open to the idea at some point even if its not within the next year or two.
ChrisMac Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 If I really enjoy it then I'll have spent my time well. I'll come back and maybe I'll move there later in life but if its all still rosy and good in relationship land then I'll wait, both for her when I come back and then another wait to see if eventually she would consider a move later in life if I still long to move abroad. Just as a personal anecdote, I dated a Kiwi from Wellington here in Boston back in 2003 who had come here for a year as part of a similar trip (in reverse) to go work abroad. We fell in love and got married, and while that sadly didn't work out, she's only been back to New Zealand once, and is still living here in Boston. I'm not saying New Zealand isn't great, but if there's one thing I've learned from relationships it's that being with someone you really adore can make ANYWHERE seem like a fantastic place to live.
Author JohnM Posted June 2, 2010 Author Posted June 2, 2010 being with someone you really adore can make ANYWHERE seem like a fantastic place to live. I've come to realise this more and more. Well put.
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