secretlady76 Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 Is it common for a WS to start sniffing round the AP again once the dust has settled over the discovery of the A? My experience of this is as follows. Upon discovery of the EA, AP's BS went mental and AP did a dissapearing act to focus on the marriage (which he worried he would lose). I did not hear from him at all and when I saw him I was avoided; fine by me!!! I have also been making a point of avoiding him as quite frankly seeing him/talking to him just seems to confuse the situation. Anyway, he seems to be now making a point of running into me and talking to me again, it almost reminds me of when we started talking at the begninning. As you can imagine I am somewhat sceptical and wary. In fact I am still trying to avoid him. What on earth is he playing at as I can't see it beneficial to anyone to be 'friends' or to be civil. I'd rather we just avoided each other.... 1
Patrice Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 Of course it's normal. He's in a marriage that seems to be missing something - otherwise he wouldn't have started an affair. Now that the dust has settled, he is looking to get his ego stroked again - because whatever is wrong with the marriage or HIM, has not been resolved. Remember that - it has not been resolved - so stay away
Mimolicious Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 It could be that he tamed his W, got the situation at home under control and now he is trying to jump back on the having an A roller coaster.
Mimolicious Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 Of course it's normal. He's in a marriage that seems to be missing something - otherwise he wouldn't have started an affair. Now that the dust has settled, he is looking to get his ego stroked again - because whatever is wrong with the marriage or HIM, has not been resolved. Remember that - it has not been resolved - so stay away Why is it always that is "missing something"? What about sometimes people want to have it all, yet they are not "missing" anything.
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 HE CHEATS BECAUSE HE WANTS TOO!!!!! AINT NOTHING MISSING FROM THE MARRIAGE, GET IT RIGHT! if you allow this man back in from doing what he did the first time? C'mon. Why are you up here asking questions which you already know the answer to!? Of course they come around!!!!
bittersweet memories Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 Is it common for a WS to start sniffing round the AP again once the dust has settled over the discovery of the A? My experience of this is as follows. Upon discovery of the EA, AP's BS went mental and AP did a dissapearing act to focus on the marriage (which he worried he would lose). I did not hear from him at all and when I saw him I was avoided; fine by me!!! I have also been making a point of avoiding him as quite frankly seeing him/talking to him just seems to confuse the situation. Anyway, he seems to be now making a point of running into me and talking to me again, it almost reminds me of when we started talking at the begninning. As you can imagine I am somewhat sceptical and wary. In fact I am still trying to avoid him. What on earth is he playing at as I can't see it beneficial to anyone to be 'friends' or to be civil. I'd rather we just avoided each other.... I thought you were avoiding him..why bother talking to him even if he tries. He will get the hint like you did when he was avoiding you. AVOID HIM..
Author secretlady76 Posted May 26, 2010 Author Posted May 26, 2010 I thought you were avoiding him..why bother talking to him even if he tries. He will get the hint like you did when he was avoiding you. AVOID HIM.. I am! He's obviously twigged so is engineering it so I see him. I've tried arriving at places early/late to avoid him but he's doing the same. It's also hard to avoid them when they park their car in front of yours....well unless you drive over their car, which I am considering next time....
Patrice Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 Either way .. he avoided you to work on the marriage .. has he made a decision about the marriage? Deal with the fact that he did this once, he has the capacity to do it again, and most likely will if he hasn't taken steps to leave his marriage. It's your choice obviously, but after surviving the last round, why would you do this to yourself again?
2sure Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 Very very commin for them to come back. They want both. Thats why you see so many APs here with multiple d-days. 1
OWoman Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 Is it common for a WS to start sniffing round the AP again once the dust has settled over the discovery of the A? It's not uncommon, and it's certainly not rare. Unless he was ready to end it, or thrown into some crisis which forced him to reevaluate his life, chances are his original motivations for engaging in the A are still valid, and he's just looking for an opportunity to resume it (or, if you're not willing, to look elsewhere to have his needs met).
Author secretlady76 Posted May 26, 2010 Author Posted May 26, 2010 I think it's the classic 'missing how it made him feel'. Now the dust has settled, he wants his ego stroked again, more so now I'm avoiding him, classic 'Wanting what he can't have'. He blows very hot and cold as it is and I guess now I am doing the same, well cold, he's blowing hot. However, I'm afraid he made what I saw was a big decision to focus on his marriage (as am I) and that is what he should still be doing. He did make a point of telling me they were moving out of town to another town. I'm not sure if I was meant to fall to the ground and plead with him not to leave, but I simply said 'Good'.
Patrice Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 I don't know why they do this stuff really ... they are looking for reassurance from the WRONG person ... again, he needs to fix himself. You owe him nothing as far as propping up his ego .. you give, he takes and walks again. Who needs that? Move ahead with your life - remember too, if you keep getting sucked back in, he is taking you away from a good life with a potential good man .. xxoo
Author secretlady76 Posted May 26, 2010 Author Posted May 26, 2010 I don't know why they do this stuff really ... they are looking for reassurance from the WRONG person ... again, he needs to fix himself. You owe him nothing as far as propping up his ego .. you give, he takes and walks again. Who needs that? Move ahead with your life - remember too, if you keep getting sucked back in, he is taking you away from a good life with a potential good man .. xxoo Potential good man meaning my husband; absolutely. He is a very good man and an experience such as this reinforced this 1,000 fold!!!
Patrice Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 Move on sweetie ... you know inside .. if your needs aren't being met by the husband, speak to him about it and keep working on it. If it's that you want your ego stroked .. look inward on that one. This guy will end up putting you back 25 steps .. hugs.
2sunny Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 since his wife is no longer suspicious - he figures he can start to reel you back in now... guess what? he made HIS decision when he showed THAT much interest in working on his M. now that she's not paying attention to what he is or isn't doing - he wants it all - again. be neutral - be unaffected by him... he made his choice with his actions. his words are meaningless. he'll find anther OW who will eventually stroke his ego - since he's sniffing around... he just thought it might be easier to start again with you instead... make sure he gets every idea that YOU shut the door.
Fallen Angel Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 HE CHEATS BECAUSE HE WANTS TOO!!!!! AINT NOTHING MISSING FROM THE MARRIAGE, GET IT RIGHT! if you allow this man back in from doing what he did the first time? C'mon. Why are you up here asking questions which you already know the answer to!? Of course they come around!!!! Of course there is something missing from the marriage... His commitment to it!
2sunny Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 Of course there is something missing from the marriage... His commitment to it! another thing missing - HIS ability to be honest. IF his wife had an idea that he was looking around for more than what he gets from her - SHE may be able to find someone who could be involved in the M enough to be faithful and loving. instead - he pretends - at his wife's expense.
Fallen Angel Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 another thing missing - HIS ability to be honest. IF his wife had an idea that he was looking around for more than what he gets from her - SHE may be able to find someone who could be involved in the M enough to be faithful and loving. instead - he pretends - at his wife's expense. Agreed. ..
Mimolicious Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 Tell him that you are calling his W and telling her that how much he's trying to "work or their M". See how fast he'll stop reappearing.
Spark1111 Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 Very common unfortunately....The WS goes home until the dust settles, goes through the motions and then tries to pick up where you left off. Everything back to normal, the way it was. Still trying to preserve the affair and its feel great feelings. Stay away. I think he is hoping that you are still interested or pining away for him. I think he keeps bumping into you to try and guage your reaction to him. Does she still miss me?
ComputerJock Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 Potential good man meaning my husband; absolutely. He is a very good man and an experience such as this reinforced this 1,000 fold!!! Are you saying your married and had physical/emotional affair? If you are, pray your husband doesn't find out or he is liable to walk, few marriages survive when a spouse cheats.
Fallen Angel Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 Are you saying your married and had physical/emotional affair? If you are, pray your husband doesn't find out or he is liable to walk, few marriages survive when a spouse cheats. I have no clue what the statistics are on this, and i am too lazy to look it up; but in my experience that simply is not true. I think more marriages survive infidelity than those that do not, at least for five or more years. I think it is generally a second or third act of infidelity or something else altogether that breaks up the marriage not the first case of infidelity.
kis Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 Is it common for a WS to start sniffing round the AP again once the dust has settled over the discovery of the A? My experience of this is as follows. Upon discovery of the EA, AP's BS went mental and AP did a dissapearing act to focus on the marriage (which he worried he would lose). I did not hear from him at all and when I saw him I was avoided; fine by me!!! I have also been making a point of avoiding him as quite frankly seeing him/talking to him just seems to confuse the situation. Anyway, he seems to be now making a point of running into me and talking to me again, it almost reminds me of when we started talking at the begninning. As you can imagine I am somewhat sceptical and wary. In fact I am still trying to avoid him. What on earth is he playing at as I can't see it beneficial to anyone to be 'friends' or to be civil. I'd rather we just avoided each other.... How did the wife found out about the EA? I read most all your post but have not heard this.
Author secretlady76 Posted May 27, 2010 Author Posted May 27, 2010 How did the wife found out about the EA? I read most all your post but have not heard this. Him not being as vigilant as me at deleting text messages....
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