Need real true support.....Id appreciate it loads

[ussy]

Hi guys..... Ive been NC with the ex for the 4th time for a little over 2 months now. Been broken up 5months now but recently ive started to "live my life" a lot more. Up until a couple of days ago ive been doing great. Her mom texted me to ask how i was, what had been going on with me etc etc...

 

Although i was battling my feelings i managed to write the right things and not let them think i was a depressed lunatic like before! lol..... Anyway.... There's one thing which i never mentioned when ive posted on here, but its kind of got to that point where i need to let it out, no matter how much of an idiot id look like.

 

Me and my ex were together for nearly 3 years, and for about a year of the relationship i was really controlling and phsyically abusive Its something i regret so badly, but i know there's nothing i can do about the past. We broke up once before because of that, but we got back together a few weeks later......... I totally changed. I never touched her after that in any wrong way, treated her like a queen....She never even mentioned anything to do with how i had been in the past.

 

Then when we broke up, at first she kept on changing her reason for leaving me, and i know she never told me a true answer. One of them included "you used to hit me" and that one makes my heart break again and again because only i know how much i regret that. She keeps telling people that i used to hit her, and she makes it out like i did up until the point we broke up. The last time i touched her in that way was over 2 years ago..... It kills me that she even says that because i changed for her. How am i gonna get over this crap when my head messes with me saying "why did you hit her?" I know i may sound stupid, but im really looking for advice. LS members have helped me alot over the months and i hope they do again... Thanks

[Ronni_W]

Hugs, ussy.

That's a tough one to deal with cos it really is your own conscience that you're needing to comfort, at this point.

 

It's commonly held that the way to permanent self-forgiveness is through feelings of remorse. Not self-bashing or guilt...just, "Wow, I can't believe I did that! I really, really, really wish I hadn't."

 

It depends what will motivate you to stop beating up on your Self. Obviously, "beating up" is violence. I get that you were able to stop being physically violent towards others. You could set a new goal to stop being psychologically violent towards yourself?

 

I don't know. I think you're being called upon to do some work around self-forgiveness. Some ways to start that process are to Google the term; or search at the library, amazon and bookcloseouts.com; or hire a therapist who has a special interest in this area.

 

Yes, you made bad choices in the past. Yes, you utilized dysfunctional "coping" skills to deal with and express your feelings of upset, frustration, disappointment and rage. It's actually okay. You're human. We all eff-up in all sorts of ways.

 

You're perfectly entitled to your own understanding, compassion and forgiveness. It's okay to give yourself permission to be kind and loving towards you. Treat yourself the same way you aspire to treat others, yes?

 

Hugs, and very best.

Edited May 26, 2010 by Ronni_W

[ussy]

Hugs, ussy.

That's a tough one to deal with cos it really is your own conscience that you're needing to comfort, at this point.

 

It's commonly held that the way to permanent self-forgiveness is through feelings of remorse. Not self-bashing or guilt...just, "Wow, I can't believe I did that! I really, really, really wish I hadn't."

 

It depends what will motivate you to stop beating up on your Self. Obviously, "beating up" is violence. I get that you were able to stop being physically violent towards others. You could set a new goal to stop being psychologically violent towards yourself?

 

I don't know. I think you're being called upon to do some work around self-forgiveness. Some ways to start that process are to Google the term; or search at the library, amazon and bookcloseouts.com; or hire a therapist who has a special interest in this area.

 

Yes, you made bad choices in the past. Yes, you utilized dysfunctional "coping" skills to deal with and express your feelings of upset, frustration, disappointment and rage. It's actually okay. You're human. We all eff-up in all sorts of ways.

 

You're perfectly entitled to your own understanding, compassion and forgiveness. It's okay to give yourself permission to be kind and loving towards you. Treat yourself the same way you aspire to treat others, yes?

 

Hugs, and very best.

Thanks, that was a great response:) Its mainly the thought of "jeez i f'd up, because of that Ive lost the woman i loved more than anything". Its the hardest thing ive ever had to cope with, no matter what i cant get that thought out of my head. I know that isnt the real reason we broke up, up until a couple of weeks before the end she was wanting me to get married to her so how the hell could it be that...... I guess their all questions ill never get my head around

[TaraMaiden]

You say she keeps telling people you hit her....

Do you know these people?

have they said anything to you about it or called you on it?

 

I think it may be cathartic to answer them in the affirmative.

 

"Yes, she's right. I did hit her.

But this was x years ago, I'm deeply ashamed of it. it was a dreadful thing to do, and I am having difficulty processing how bad I was.

But in the past years that we've been in a relationship since then, I never laid a finger on her, or hurt her ever again. I'd rather cut my arm off than put her through that again."

 

That way, open admission also removes the taboo. If you admit your shortcomings, it actually helps you grow.

It takes enormous courage, but only the first time.

 

Just a though.

of course, if nobody's said anything to you, this would be harder.

But not impossible.....

[Ronni_W]

Its mainly the thought of "jeez i f'd up, because of that Ive lost the woman i loved more than anything". Its the hardest thing ive ever had to cope with,

Well, yeah. That's the price you had to pay for your bad choices. I mean, that's how it works -- cause and effect; action and consequence. Crime and punishment, if you will.

 

But you can also use that exact same concept to your advantage...if you work towards realizing that you've already "paid your debt" and there really is no more need to keep yourself "in prison" by withholding your self-forgiveness.

Yes, of course a price had to be paid. But you've already paid it. You can stop paying now...and how to do that in this case, is to start giving yourself mercy, leniency, forgiveness.

 

I get your regret but...well, unless you somehow turn it around in your head, this is always going to be "emotional baggage" that you're dragging around. And it will exhaust and deplete you, and prevent you from being 100% truly free and happy.

 

Kind of, you gotta get to a place of, "Holy Hell, that was a huge price for my actions. But I guess it's a fair price, given my actions." Because it is a fair price...it's what you "owed" on this deal; the "debt" you accumulated, so to speak. Even though you didn't think about or realize it at the time, you were gonna have to pay it back, sooner or later.

 

Like I said. I know it's difficult. It's just -- maybe if you focus on it from perspective of "I owed it", then you'll start to realize that you didn't so much "lose out" as had to balance things out; and to get all the "accounts" back to zero -- you're not really in a "minus" position. (Er...does that make sense?)

[td0g03]

I kind of went through the same thing, but I never really hit her. I pushed her and she fell down because she was trying to come into my house while my was trying to sleep. (He had cancer and he just came back from radiation and needed his rest). My ex told me I abused her, but the only abuse I would say was verbal, but she wasn't so innocent to verbal abuse either. Anyways, she went on throughout the whole relationship holding and telling everyone I was "abusive", but what I guess I shouldn't have push her, but regardless I never touched her again and tried to leave when it's a bad situation.

 

Fast forward a year later she started liking another guy and started to lie about it. I felt like complete **** those months and didn't know why she was so distance. Until I found out the truth, and long story short, she didn't care. She tried to blame it on and etc etc. And we tried to work things out, but she never cared to make up for things. So my advice is just to move on. My ex always made up stupid little excuses to break up and I would come running back. She finally told me "I broke up with you and never came back to you... didn't that show you something? " You ex will never get over it. Learn from your mistakes and move on from it. You need to start a fresh new healthy relationship. That's what I learned from my ex.

[ussy]

Well, yeah. That's the price you had to pay for your bad choices. I mean, that's how it works -- cause and effect; action and consequence. Crime and punishment, if you will.

 

But you can also use that exact same concept to your advantage...if you work towards realizing that you've already "paid your debt" and there really is no more need to keep yourself "in prison" by withholding your self-forgiveness.

Yes, of course a price had to be paid. But you've already paid it. You can stop paying now...and how to do that in this case, is to start giving yourself mercy, leniency, forgiveness.

 

I get your regret but...well, unless you somehow turn it around in your head, this is always going to be "emotional baggage" that you're dragging around. And it will exhaust and deplete you, and prevent you from being 100% truly free and happy.

 

Kind of, you gotta get to a place of, "Holy Hell, that was a huge price for my actions. But I guess it's a fair price, given my actions." Because it is a fair price...it's what you "owed" on this deal; the "debt" you accumulated, so to speak. Even though you didn't think about or realize it at the time, you were gonna have to pay it back, sooner or later.

 

Like I said. I know it's difficult. It's just -- maybe if you focus on it from perspective of "I owed it", then you'll start to realize that you didn't so much "lose out" as had to balance things out; and to get all the "accounts" back to zero -- you're not really in a "minus" position. (Er...does that make sense?)

Well yeah it does make sense, but it really is one of those things that is easier said than done.I mean, i loved her so much so its hard for me to just think "Ive paid my price". I just dont understand, half of the day i feel great, and then for the other half i feel terrible. I just cant get over the thought of it "being my fault".

[ussy]

I kind of went through the same thing, but I never really hit her. I pushed her and she fell down because she was trying to come into my house while my was trying to sleep. (He had cancer and he just came back from radiation and needed his rest). My ex told me I abused her, but the only abuse I would say was verbal, but she wasn't so innocent to verbal abuse either. Anyways, she went on throughout the whole relationship holding and telling everyone I was "abusive", but what I guess I shouldn't have push her, but regardless I never touched her again and tried to leave when it's a bad situation.

 

Fast forward a year later she started liking another guy and started to lie about it. I felt like complete **** those months and didn't know why she was so distance. Until I found out the truth, and long story short, she didn't care. She tried to blame it on and etc etc. And we tried to work things out, but she never cared to make up for things. So my advice is just to move on. My ex always made up stupid little excuses to break up and I would come running back. She finally told me "I broke up with you and never came back to you... didn't that show you something? " You ex will never get over it. Learn from your mistakes and move on from it. You need to start a fresh new healthy relationship. That's what I learned from my ex.

Women can be such b*****s....... I feel sorry for you dude too

Thats kind of what i think happened with us. I just think she looked for any excuse, because maybe she was set on some other guy

[Ronni_W]

I just cant get over the thought of it "being my fault".

Hugs, ussy.

I know. That's the tough part.

It's so easy to get stuck where you are, right now. "It's my fault. I'm an idiot. It's my fault."

 

What else would you be occupying your mind with, if you stopped entertaining these types of thoughts? That is, what might you be avoiding thinking about by thinking about this instead?

 

There's a benefit to your just staying stuck here. Usually it's subconscious/unconscious. Once you make it conscious, you can start working with it.

 

A different kind of self-reflective question: What else does it say about you, that you are a man who was once so out-of-control that you had to resort to physical violence?

 

Try giving your mind something different to work with for a while...and stay open to having something inside of it shift for the better

[ussy]

You give great advice, i fully understand what you are saying. The hardest part is just getting out of the "I still miss her" phaze and get to thinking "I can easily do without her". What makes it worse is that its her bday in 2 days..... Thats starting to stir up some emotions

[sedgwick]

Women can be such b*****s

 

Yeah, especially when you hit us.

Edited May 28, 2010 by sedgwick

[Ronni_W]

The hardest part is just getting out of the "I still miss her" phaze and get to thinking "I can easily do without her".

Well then...don't tell yourself that! It obviously is not true yet and that's why your mind isn't buying what you're trying to sell it -- your mind isn't stupid

 

Start with something more realistic: "Sooner than later, I'm going to be able to start to manage a little bit better even though she's no longer in my life." (That's just an example -- use whatever words are most accurate for your current state of mind/heart. The important piece is to start affirming your recovery...using words that your mind will accept for its current truth.)

 

I get that birthdays and anniversaries can be especially tough. Why not do something on your own and by yourself, to honour hers? It can be writing a poem or painting a picture. Having a glass of wine...maybe with a cupcake (as replacement for birthday cake.) Or going for a walk in the park, or sitting by a body of water.

 

ANYTHING that you'll be doing with conscious intention of "putting it out in the Universe" that you remember her and still miss her, and you appreciate her for the person she is, and you wanted to honour her for the person she is on her birthday.

 

I mean. You know...don't just keep fighting against your feelings. Be kind to and compassionate with yourself.

 

Hugs.