The Never Ending Separation Saga

[Prober1]

Are we or Aren't we-The Never Ending Separation Saga

Here is a brief overview of my ongoing predicament

 

1. April 2009-My wife says she is "done" with the marriage and asks me to leave the house. Our house sells in approximately two weeks and she moves into a new house and I move into an apartment.

 

2. August 2009- After I complete counseling on my own, my wife finally agrees to start "hanging out" but refuses to go to counseling or talk about the relationship. After a few weeks of doing things socially but otherwise ignoring the problem. I attempt to engage her in a conversation about our marriage and she responds that "this isn't working, we tried and it failed".

 

3. After Thanksgiving, my wife says that it was difficult not being with me during the holidays and agrees to go to counseling. We start doing things by ourselves and with our 4 year old daughter and attend counseling once per week. After a few sessions, I ask where she thinks things might be heading and she says that I am not respecting her by asking about the marriage. She says she is not going back to counseling but we continue to spend time together. We become physically intimate again and I try my best to not to talk about the marriage. She indicates that if I discuss things again she is "done".

4. We agree to talk about whether or not I will move in on 5/25/10. This agreement was made in Mid April 2010. A couple of weeks later I have to renew my apartment lease and discover that I will be financially responsible for the next 12 months even if I do not live there. I advise my wife of the situation and ask if she would consider having our discussion early. My wife responds that this is not her problem and that she wouldn't ask me to pay her cable bill if she couldn't make the payments (kind of an odd statement) I indicate that I thought we were working towards a partnership and could work together to come up with a solution. A few days later, I propose moving in and actually keeping the apartment so that it is not as big of a committment to her. She accuses me of trying to have a backup plan and says she can't do it anymore and is going to file divorce.

 

Additional thoughts

 

A. She still says she is in love with me and can't imagine herself with anyone else.

B In my opinion my wife has passive aggressive tendencies and has difficulty with intimacy, committment, and sharing her feelings.

C. I do not know whether to cutoff all contact with her. I tried begging, love dare-everything.

D. I do not want to be a pushover or punching bag. Despite everything, I am still in love with this woman.

E. I feel like I have made a lot of positive changes over the last year. I feel like she has never seen a need to change any of her own behaviors and has played the martyr and put herself in the position of evaluator and rather than collaborator. Me telling her that she needs to change is not going to work--only cause her to obstruct things further.

 

I would greatly appreciate any thoughts or advice on this situation. I have a previous post from several months back that goes into greater detail about the separation if anyone is interested.

 

Thanks

[Patrice]

She isn't sure what she wants to do ... and is throwing out mixed signals to cover that up. Confront her about it and get to the bottom of it .. why does she need more time?

[Prober1]

Quite honestly, I think she does love me and does want a future. I think we both want the same things but she does not realize that marriage isn't just about hanging out and "good times". I think she experiences love but does not know how demonstrate it. My gut tells me she sees intimacy and commitment as weakness and she seems to have an enormous desire to be independent and strong. She may see interdependence as codependence and that may scare her. I'm not pretending to be a psychologist or anything but I've noticed those things for 20 years and saw those things even in "better times"