Fallen Angel Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 The OP has already established that she wants more. Practically everyone here have concluded that the trip is to placate the wife, and no decision will be made. Thus, the OP is indeed being strung along and there is no more. So I'm confused why she's being encouraged to remain the OW when that's not what she wants. I would like to go on the record in saying that I do not advocate any OW who is not happy in her relationship stay in the relationship as it is. I personally think the OP should give up the ghost with this MM, considering his "reasons" for staying in the marriage. If he were saying "I simply am unable at this time to extricate myself from my marriage for reasons I wish not to go into", well then, at least she would know that he isn't going anywhere simply because he doesn't want to. But to blame a grown daughter and an "off kilter" wife.. well.. like I said, I don't buy it. If the OP is unhappy being the OW she needs to do one of two things. Either dump the MM and move on, or renegotiate the relationship to get what she needs to be happy. Period. Really, those are the only two options (outside of staying the OW and being miserable which I do not see as a viable option at all). OP, If you feel that you are not happy, and your MM is unwilling to give you what you need to be happy.. what then? Are you planning on staying indefinately while being miserable? what is the point of a relationship like that? I learned the hard way that it is better to be alone by myself than alone with someone. When you figure that out, you will find the strength to do what you need to do. Good Luck to you.
candymoon Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 Yesterday MM told me that he and BS are going to Europe for 2 weeks (leaving in a week) because he has to "give it one last chance". The trip was booked just 2 days ago (he sent me the receipt and itinerary as proof). Also, he told me today that their 25th wedding anniversary is in early June and that is the purpose of the trip. Apparently, the BS booked the trip as a gift to him (and as I took another look at the booking, it was made in her name + guest). Also, the ill daughter is staying with her brother and his wife during the trip. I don't mean to sound like I'm defending him, those are just the facts. Ohhh c'mon. Which is the purpose of the trip? He is waffling... so he showed you the receipt. A trip like that can't be a surprise to him. You have to clear your schedule ages in advance...work/appointments/etc... so she used her credit cards to make the arrangements. She'd have to run the expenses of the trip by him in advance, see if they could afford/save for it, unless they are independently wealthy. Remember, in a marriage, expenses are shared and discussed among spouses. Gifts of this magnitude are rarely a surprised. They planned it together. It's a romantic trip for their 25th wedding anniversary, and like others say, maybe a way to smooth over his gaslighting on DDay. You sound like a very sweet woman, but perhaps a little naive.
fooled once Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 i agree with this... although i think he's taking the trip to smooth things over with his W - who suspects SOMETHING... so he is trying to appease her with a tip. he's trying to woo and distract her... i don't see him making the effort to take YOU on a trip... he KNWS you will just patiently wait for his return. DO NOT ALLOW him to contact you anymore and let's see what effect THAT has on him? tell him how you feel NOW! no need to wait - you've waited on him long enough. this is YOUR decision - your body and YOU are the only one in charge of what YOU do. get out. tell him today. tell him never to contact you again unless his divorce is FINAL. that way YOU can get busy living instead of just waiting around for him to have time to pay attention to you when it's convenient for him - and HIS wife's schedule. he may as well go on the trip without the distraction of YOU... especially since he says he's giving it one last shot... btw - people don't take long expensive trips together when they don't intend to have a good time... he's still the liar he's always been - i bet he's pretty good at it to, eh? Ding Ding Ding -- bingo! My thoughts exactly!! And none of us know if he will or won't have sex with his wife - and we really don't expect a cheating man to tell his OW, the one he is cheating on his wife with, the truth about having sex with his wife, are we ?? And this 'alleged' drug problem and 'alleged' eating disorder -- what is being done to help those 2 people? Is it just excuses? Do you know for SURE 100% positive both of these women have these issues? It sure sounds to me like he is stringing you along. He wants his cake and icecream As for how long it takes to end a marriage - took me 1 week to make the decision and took a year for the legal process. When I was in the affair, took me 1-3 months to finally decide ENOUGH of the "please, give me more time" crap. After the affair ended, I dated 2 people - the second one was my current husband, and we have been happily married for over 12 years now SO people can and DO make decision quickly. Once you know what you want, what is stopping you from going for it? Nothing, IMHO.
2sunny Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 and just for the record - when i was married (20 years) and we went on vacation - it was always an unspoken rule that we would have TONS of sex while we were away... whether or not he had his OW at that time... a vacation was a way to reignite the passion and have sex everywhere and every way we could.
her_halo_slipped Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 It depends on what happens on that holiday. Divorce lawyers in the UK attest that their business peaks just after the holidays, when people return home after being forced to spend undiluted time with spouses that they no longer love / have a connection with, ESPECIALLY when there are potential dealbreaker factors like heavy drinking involved. He may be using the overseas holiday as a litmus test - being together all day everyday for two whole weeks will give them time to reconnect - or fall apart. Without the daily distractions of home and work and family, they'll have nothing but each other to deal with. Either their "working on the M" will work - or the lid will blast right off and he'll be gagging to get back to escape her. Which way it works out will depend on how badly both of them want it to, and what all they're prepared to invest to make that happen. I think what you have said (in bold) OW is really great advice. Well said. I agree wholeheartedly. When someone goes away on holiday or retreats back to their M to work things out, or even just has a dinner date with their WS, we assume they are having a good time doing so. As OW points out they may not be and he/she may in fact be gagging to escape!
Brokenlady Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 Thanks again to everyone for posting. A couple of other things ... he is taking me on a trip. We are going to Italy in July/August for 3 weeks. Also, he told me today that their 25th wedding anniversary is in early June and that is the purpose of the trip. Apparently, the BS booked the trip as a gift to him (and as I took another look at the booking, it was made in her name + guest). Also, the ill daughter is staying with her brother and his wife during the trip. I don't mean to sound like I'm defending him, those are just the facts. Sounds like he's taking you and his wife. I've gone along on anniversary trips before when DM was with his BS, and I saw very little of him. Besides, it's totally sick! Please tell me you see this for what it is. Also, bear in mind that this means he's still planning on being with his wife in July. You can't escape that.
jennie-jennie Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 A MM ending an extramarital relationship where the MM and OW deeply love each other is very different from an OW ending it because she is done and has lost hope of the MM ever leaving. We have seen all kinds of examples here on LS where it is very hard for the MM to let go of his love for the OW and really work on his marriage. I wonder what happened to Devil Inside and his marriage. He had decided to give things a year. If his marriage was not working by then, he was going to move on. I have seen other MM come back long after, a year after or so, still pining for their OW although they were still married. I believe that is what is called "an empty-shell marriage". The prognosis for the marriage when the MM ends the extramarital relationship for altruistic reasons are not good.
jennie-jennie Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 (edited) Thanks again to everyone for posting. A couple of other things ... he is taking me on a trip. We are going to Italy in July/August for 3 weeks. Also, he told me today that their 25th wedding anniversary is in early June and that is the purpose of the trip. Apparently, the BS booked the trip as a gift to him (and as I took another look at the booking, it was made in her name + guest). Also, the ill daughter is staying with her brother and his wife during the trip. I don't mean to sound like I'm defending him, those are just the facts. I was more than happy just being the OW for most of this relationship - I guess I have to figure out if that is enough for me or if I want more. I'm just really confused at this point. The OP has already established that she wants more. Practically everyone here have concluded that the trip is to placate the wife, and no decision will be made. Thus, the OP is indeed being strung along and there is no more. So I'm confused why she's being encouraged to remain the OW when that's not what she wants. The bolded in the OP's post above clearly tells that she has NOT figured out whether she wants more or not. Or perhaps one should say, if she needs more to be happy. Just like I want more, but am happy anyway. Edited May 27, 2010 by jennie-jennie
jthorne Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 I think if the OP thought she could be happy being the permanent OW, she wouldn't be posting here. And I doubt she'd be on a public forum asking strangers if she's being strung along. Just a guess. You left out the post where she asks if she should tell the MM she wants more. I think you responded that she should.
jennie-jennie Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 I think if the OP thought she could be happy being the permanent OW, she wouldn't be posting here. And I doubt she'd be on a public forum asking strangers if she's being strung along. Just a guess. You left out the post where she asks if she should tell the MM she wants more. I think you responded that she should. I'm here in exactly that position, so I see no reason why she would not. Being an OW is a continuous process. She has stated that she is confused, which I take to be that she has not made her mind up. So the best we other LS posters can do is share our differing viewpoints, which is what we are doing, and thus help her clarify what her options are.
jthorne Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 Ok, Jennie you win. I guess I'll never understand why you would wish for someone to be in the same position you are in. You yourself have said it's less than desirable.
Author Livalike Posted May 27, 2010 Author Posted May 27, 2010 Sounds like he's taking you and his wife. I've gone along on anniversary trips before when DM was with his BS, and I saw very little of him. Besides, it's totally sick! Please tell me you see this for what it is. Also, bear in mind that this means he's still planning on being with his wife in July. You can't escape that. Sorry - I wasn't clear. The Italy trip is for my birthday. This upcoming trip is for the anniversary. The BS is not coming to Italy. I think I am on the fence with respect to whether being the OW is enough for me. I have booked a three week trip of my own to try and sort things out for myself. "jennie-jennie" - thanks very much for your posts. I appreciate them. I think we have very similar views!
jthorne Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 Sorry - I wasn't clear. The Italy trip is for my birthday. This upcoming trip is for the anniversary. The BS is not coming to Italy. I think I am on the fence with respect to whether being the OW is enough for me. I have booked a three week trip of my own to try and sort things out for myself. "jennie-jennie" - thanks very much for your posts. I appreciate them. I think we have very similar views!It's great your doing your own thing. I'm curious what the MM's excuse to the wife is for being able to run off for three weeks to Italy. I'm guessing he didn't just say he was jetting off with a "friend". I sure hope he's not using marital funds to pay for the trip, as the shyt will surely hit the fan if she finds out. Conversely, I hope you are not having to pay either. In regards to NC during his anniversary trip, it sounds like there will be none on either of your behalves. I guess it's up to him whether he can really work on his marriage with your involvement. Best of luck to you all.
jennie-jennie Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 (edited) Ok, Jennie you win. I guess I'll never understand why you would wish for someone to be in the same position you are in. You yourself have said it's less than desirable. I have? I can't remember saying that. "I want more" is not the same as saying "I do not want what I have". The way I see it is that if an OW is not yet done with the extramarital relationship, she might as well be happy for the time she is in it. Putting forth NC as the only option when we know that soooo many OW are not yet ready to end the relationship is an unrealistic approach to me. When I first came to LS, I was only presented with the option of NC. It was not a viable option to me, which meant that I was now on my own trying to figure out how to handle my situation as an OW. I found a way to do it and be happy, and that is what I want to share, that there is a way. You do not have to be a miserable OW, just because you find yourself not desiring to end the relationship. Edited May 27, 2010 by jennie-jennie
whichwayisup Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 I think I am on the fence with respect to whether being the OW is enough for me. I have booked a three week trip of my own to try and sort things out for myself. Do you want kids? Do you want to build a life with your MM? To be around him on holidays, birthdays, during rough times, good times? If yes, then just being the OW isn't going to cut it for you. Eventually you WILL want more. A trip alone to sort yourself is a good idea. Put "you" first and go from there.
2sure Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 Given the amount of affairs, other women, other men, betrayed spouses, long term affairs....its pretty clear it is not at all unusual or uncommon for OW to be quite comfortable with the circumstance of the relationship with MM. I mean, if it sucked from the get go...lol...there wouldnt be much of a problem would there? So a happy OW is not exactly a unique or novel concept. I'm glad that right now you are happy and feel your relationship is special. So being happy in an affair is something pretty much every OW experiences...or obviously she wouldnt do it....its just that Eventually they all seem to end up here. And its usually because they are no longer happy.
jennie-jennie Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 Sorry - I wasn't clear. The Italy trip is for my birthday. This upcoming trip is for the anniversary. The BS is not coming to Italy. I think I am on the fence with respect to whether being the OW is enough for me. I have booked a three week trip of my own to try and sort things out for myself. "jennie-jennie" - thanks very much for your posts. I appreciate them. I think we have very similar views! I am glad to hear that my posts were of help to you.
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