MizFit Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 We all know that you (and that's a collective you, for all the posters that share your view) would never stay with a spouse that cheated on you. That's a completely valid stance. And you know there are those of us that have stayed. I've not seen anyone try to convince you that your view on this is wrong. Why do you spend so much time trying to convince us ours is? You're just belaboring a tired point. Being completely candid here...I agree with you about what you've just said. My opinion is that there is strength in staying and strength in leaving...each person needs to decide for themselves what will work. I know when my H cheated I could not stay...maybe I didn't have the maturity or the tools or the emotional capability...I don't know. I just know it was not an option and I still don't think I could stay with someone who cheated on me. Having said that I have a tremendous amount of respect for couples who can get past it and especially those that come out as solid, or even more so, than they were before the A. I also would like to note that a lot of posters have belabored the point, but that happens often. We are all subject to people with differing opinions keeping at us and at us until we want to either e-throttle them or get defensive or just give up. It happens to just about every grouping on just about every forum here...please don't think you're being singled out. We all get our amount of cr@p! I must say I'm quite surprised the number of BS that seem to be going for the throat though... Anyway...that's it from me...
Dexter Morgan Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 Thanks, Dex. I appreciate that. well why wouldn't I wish a BS well. I use to be one. I'll always be on their side and I'm in their corner.
redtail Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 ... Why do you spend so much time trying to convince us ours is? You're just belaboring a tired point. Oh gawd, I have to agree with this sentiment, regardless of whether you're in the stay or leave "camp". I would not try to convince anyone that they should do either, only that whatever they choose to do, they do so with their eyes open. Either decision is a tough decision and needs to be made by the person who must live with it.
redtail Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 nice try. I just don't understand how someone can stand to even look at the face of the person that so callously betrayed them knowing they were off pleasuring themselves with another person. ... More often than not, I nod in agreement at your posts Dex, even if they are a bit... blunt.
whatcanidonow2 Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 The issue that most affects whether a constructive reconciliation is possible, IMHO is whether both parties in the marriage can recognise the problems that led to the A. It's possible for poor marriages to stay together with weak people (particularly the BS), where the problems are not addressed. That's not good. People will continue to be unhappy, repeated betrayal will follow with all the associated hurt & despair. However, there are also As involving couples who have lost important parts of their marriage, and maybe through ignorance of what they ought to do, one party strays into an A, after finding in someone else the parts of life that are missing in the marriage. In my view, this type of A can be recovered-from if the couple are both strong enough to understand why the A happened & are prepared to repair the missing parts of their marriage. Actually, I agree with earlier posters who comment that the marriage can't be repaired. It's smashed & broken after an A. What can be built, however, is a new marriage. Almost by definition, neither party should want the old marriage back - IT FAILED. They must work on a new marriage, stronger & healthier. So, yes Dexter, a marriage can flourish after an affair. Maybe not quite as well as a marriage that solved it's problems before an A started, but certainly flourish much better than a stale marriage where nobody strays, but nobody's happy either.
crazycatlady Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 This is so not my reality and I am certainly not, ever, never weak nor am I co-dependent. I also think that it took some guts for my H to own up to having an A and the way in which WE have dealt with it works for us. Of course the A hurt, of course he lied, but we understand the build up to him being as he was, we also understand that it will always be in our history, and that the marriage we had will never be. BUT, the marriage we have is so much better, not because of the A, but despite it. I trust him absolutely, to do anything less would mean I would leave, but I also am not so naive to believe that he couldn't do it again, I just trust him not to. I don't define my H as a cheater, he is my H, the man I love and yes he cheated, but he is more than that. Staying is not easy, it does not make us weak, it means that we know that the road ahead will be rocky, but that the journey is so worth it. Some people have a different experience and reality - all marriages are different and for some to stay is more than they can do and so they leave, that doesn't make them weak not does it make them any stronger than those who stay. What works for some just doesn't work for others. Co-dependency is, IMO, when two people stay through habit, or because there is no other option. Well all I can say to this is my friends would laugh to see me or H called weak or co-dependent. Frankly, staying has been one of the hardest things I have ever done, but oh, so worth it. I am more interested in the future, learning from mistakes, events and moving forward. I have one life and will never, ever compromise my future happiness, leaving H would have done that. I weighted the co-dependency thing during my months of pondering how I would handle it when he either confessed or I finally confronted. But I don't feel weak, I don't feel co-dependent. I'm comfortable alone. I could have managed without him. I was fine even leaving the kids with him and just sharing custody with him having the physical. In fact my life would have been a lot more relaxed. By the end I was looking at apartments, considering how much I could afford and have money for child-support etc, it was very easily doable. It would have been easier to leave. But I feel very similarly to the post above. Especially the part BBM Half of marriages don't survive, whether there's infidelity or not. Some of you oh so smug people try to prove a point that no one is arguing. We are not little children blindly believing in Santa Claus. We know most marriages don't survive an affair. We choose not to take the high road. We know starting over would probably be easier. We believe that a marriage can begin anew, and we believe that trust can be regained, because trust is a choice. It's a gift we give, not something that is earned. We believe that because our eyes were forced wide open we won't ever be so easily fooled again. We make this choice with much hope and anticipation of the future, not because we are weak or sad or pathetic. Your perception is not our reality. But thanks for playing. And of course reboot does an amazing job of putting thoughts into words. I know a lot of people believe love is a choice. Well so is trust. And I choose to trust my H. CCL
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