Citizen Erased Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 All comes down to what you can live with. Myself, I wouldn't even attempt to try. Others are more forgiving.
RedDevil66 Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 depends what you define as "survive" I say no. The person who cheated can work on themselves spiritually and actually change and not cheat again, but their partner is the one left with all the damage. The thoughts rarely leave the mind and the betrayed person will always have a hint of doubt. So if this is survival, then yes, but otherwise, not really
reboot Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 Are you speaking from experience, or is this just your opinion? Because in my experience, you're wrong.
Author confusedinkansas Posted May 27, 2010 Author Posted May 27, 2010 We believe that a marriage can begin anew, and we believe that trust can be regained, because trust is a choice. It's a gift we give, not something that is earned. We believe that because our eyes were forced wide open we won't ever be so easily fooled again. We make this choice with much hope and anticipation of the future, not because we are weak or sad or pathetic. Your perception is not our reality. But thanks for playing. I think that it takes a bigger person to stand up & say........"Ya know what, I love this person. Good, Bad or indifferent. Unconditionally! The affair aside, we can get past this" ~ Not because of co-dependency, not because we are weak, not because we're too lazy to do anything about it. Because we/he/I made a CHOICE. If my husband has taught me anything in our 33 years together is that he believes in Unconditional Love! 100%. I on the other hand have been skeptical about it. But I'm coming around.......... I'm just a bit more of a rebel & harder to teach:cool: Everyone is fully aware that 50% of marriages end in divorce. IF my marriage were to end it would NOT be because of the affair. We have had bigger hurdles than that to jump & we're still jumpin' em'...........But it is O' SO worth it!!!!!
Owl Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 My marriage is proof that marriages don't just survive, but can indeed grow and continue to flourish after an affair....IF both parties put forth the effort and time to do so. Anyone who thinks I'm weak or pathetic (or co-dependent for that matter) clearly hasn't met me in person, nor has a clue as to my character. I'm glad my wife and I worked things out...I'm glad that I stayed and that we reconciled and put the work into rebuilding. There ya go. Anyone who doesn't believe me is welcome to their opinion...it matters not a jot to me.
carhill Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 Here's a thread from a new member whose relationship survived (they divorced, initiated by his wife, and later re-married) an affair by his wife. He seems ambivalent, but determined. I think anything is possible. Good on those people who can re-unite in a healthy way
2sure Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 I am positive they can survive infidelity and go on to better , happier, and healthier. I guess thats why I'm so frustrated that mine did not.
Samantha0905 Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 If by survival, you mean exist, then yes many marriages survive. If you mean , flourish, grow richer, deeper, more emotionally stable, and more honest and wiser, very, very, few. Of course not Sam, but how does that invalidate my opinion? I've never died either, but that doesn't mean I can't have an opinion on it. I meant to add it wasn't an attack -- I was actually just wondering. And of course we all can opinions on things we have not personally experienced, but I think it helps to have experience with the subject at hand. Even given that, we all have different perspectives and experiences in general. I think that it takes a bigger person to stand up & say........"Ya know what, I love this person. Good, Bad or indifferent. Unconditionally! The affair aside, we can get past this" ~ Not because of co-dependency, not because we are weak, not because we're too lazy to do anything about it. Because we/he/I made a CHOICE. If my husband has taught me anything in our 33 years together is that he believes in Unconditional Love! 100%. I on the other hand have been skeptical about it. But I'm coming around.......... I'm just a bit more of a rebel & harder to teach:cool: Everyone is fully aware that 50% of marriages end in divorce. IF my marriage were to end it would NOT be because of the affair. We have had bigger hurdles than that to jump & we're still jumpin' em'...........But it is O' SO worth it!!!!! I think it takes a strong person to do what your husband has done and you are blessed! And of course, so is he!! My marriage is proof that marriages don't just survive, but can indeed grow and continue to flourish after an affair....IF both parties put forth the effort and time to do so. Anyone who thinks I'm weak or pathetic (or co-dependent for that matter) clearly hasn't met me in person, nor has a clue as to my character. I'm glad my wife and I worked things out...I'm glad that I stayed and that we reconciled and put the work into rebuilding. There ya go. Anyone who doesn't believe me is welcome to their opinion...it matters not a jot to me. I think it's a nice thing and don't for a minute think someone is weak who sticks by their spouse even through betrayal. There are a lot of judgments made here about people's character which always amazes me because actually knowing a person goes a long way. I'm sure a lot of difficult work (post betrayal) was done by both you and your wife to get to where you are today.
Spark1111 Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 Spark, I actually wasn't that impressed with her or her materials. And in truth, her whole situation struck me as one that "survived" but never "improved or flourished". At the bottom line it sounded to me like she just accepted that her husband (and by extension) was just gonna cheat and there was nothing more to it than that. Maybe I walked away with the wrong impression, I don't know. I read her stuff about five years ago. Yes, it is dated. But she really was the first to say "The cheater is in pain and that infidelity truly did not have much to do with how loving or not the betrayed spouse acted in the marriage." To the extent that infidelity was formerly viewed as a "blame game" prior to her findings in The Monogamy Myth, and something both parties felt ashamed of, or hid from others, her work was refreshing and novel for its time.
redtail Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 I am positive they can survive infidelity and go on to better , happier, and healthier. I guess thats why I'm so frustrated that mine did not. You see, and I'm not frustrated at all that mine did not. I think there is no way a blanket statement can be made that a marriage will or will not survive this kind of crisis. Likewise, I don't think that one can make assumptions about those that stay nor can you assume the character of those that choose to leave the relationship. However (you knew it was coming), I'm still of the opinion that those that are able to work it out, and I have no doubt that Owl did just that, are in fact the exceptions.
Snowflower Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 Half of marriages don't survive, whether there's infidelity or not. Some of you oh so smug people try to prove a point that no one is arguing. We are not little children blindly believing in Santa Claus. We know most marriages don't survive an affair. We choose not to take the high road. We know starting over would probably be easier. We believe that a marriage can begin anew, and we believe that trust can be regained, because trust is a choice. It's a gift we give, not something that is earned. We believe that because our eyes were forced wide open we won't ever be so easily fooled again. We make this choice with much hope and anticipation of the future, not because we are weak or sad or pathetic. Your perception is not our reality. But thanks for playing. Great post...worded much more better than I could have written! I always wonder why some people are so adamant that a marriage shouldn't continue after infidelity... While I never advocate that someone should or should not stay in a marriage after infidelity just because of my own personal decision, I know that it is possible to have a great marriage. I wouldn't trade my husband or marriage for the world. If it makes me seem weak to some, oh well. I'm good with my decision.
Snowflower Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 I am positive they can survive infidelity and go on to better , happier, and healthier. I guess thats why I'm so frustrated that mine did not. Oh, (((2sure))) Hang in there, I know you will find happiness soon!
2sure Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 Oh, (((2sure))) Hang in there, I know you will find happiness soon! Sigh. Yeah I know. I will be happy again...even if its out of spite.
Spark1111 Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 Great post...worded much more better than I could have written! I always wonder why some people are so adamant that a marriage shouldn't continue after infidelity... While I never advocate that someone should or should not stay in a marriage after infidelity just because of my own personal decision, I know that it is possible to have a great marriage. I wouldn't trade my husband or marriage for the world. If it makes me seem weak to some, oh well. I'm good with my decision. It is the knee-jerk reaction and quite understandable. Only those who experience it, can even begin to understand what it takes to survive it or not and if they have it within themselves to do so. That's a fair and honest assessment of one's own desires and abilities. I remain amazed at the reactions I received after DDay. 1. Oh, I could never take him/her back if he/she cheated on me. That would be it.....or 2. Hey, if you stayed for the money, I would never hold it against you. (WTH?) 3. You have so many years together....that's a long time to throw away over an indescretion....(????????) Or, the biggest surprise: Look, it happened to me too. (WOW!)
Spark1111 Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 Sigh. Yeah I know. I will be happy again...even if its out of spite. Hahahaha! Spite and a healthy ego can work wonders! I've no doubt you will get there, sooner than most 2sure.
Snowflower Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 It is the knee-jerk reaction and quite understandable. Only those who experience it, can even begin to understand what it takes to survive it or not and if they have it within themselves to do so. That's a fair and honest assessment of one's own desires and abilities. I remain amazed at the reactions I received after DDay. 1. Oh, I could never take him/her back if he/she cheated on me. That would be it.....or 2. Hey, if you stayed for the money, I would never hold it against you. (WTH?) 3. You have so many years together....that's a long time to throw away over an indescretion....(????????) LOL! Your post made me smile. You're right...it is the knee-jerk reaction...dump his cheating azz... Let's see, some of the responses I recieved from the few people I told were similar to these you mention. (hope this isn't too much of a T/J) 1. Well, you have been married a lot of years so it makes sense that you would want to try to work out. ?????? 2. I never could have done what you did. (WTH...this was the worst one, even though it was a meant as a compliment...it still implied that I was doing something 'weird') 3. Oh, I'm so glad my husband has never done anything like that (so you assume--seriously--a really BAD response) Or, the biggest surprise: Look, it happened to me too. (WOW!) I never got a response like that-wish I had.
Dexter Morgan Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 My marriage is proof that marriages don't just survive, but can indeed grow and continue to flourish after an affair....IF both parties put forth the effort and time to do so. I like ya and respect ya Owl. But I just can't see how this can be completely true. I have no doubt that your marriage recovered, but flourish? How does one get past the fact that one of you got to get pleasure outside the marriage. Kinda like she got away with it. But hey, I know you definitely would handle things differently than I. to each his own.
reboot Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 We all know that you (and that's a collective you, for all the posters that share your view) would never stay with a spouse that cheated on you. That's a completely valid stance. And you know there are those of us that have stayed. I've not seen anyone try to convince you that your view on this is wrong. Why do you spend so much time trying to convince us ours is? You're just belaboring a tired point.
Snowflower Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 We all know that you (and that's a collective you, for all the posters that share your view) would never stay with a spouse that cheated on you. That's a completely valid stance. And you know there are those of us that have stayed. I've not seen anyone try to convince you that your view on this is wrong. Why do you spend so much time trying to convince us ours is? You're just belaboring a tired point. Jealousy issue perhaps. Perhaps because a BS who is well into their reconciliation and is good with their decision is viewed with some antagonism. I dunno...a fBS who is at peace with their decision to reconcile (or even to divorce) generally does not try to convince others that their decision was the right one. Meaning, since I chose to give my husband a final chance and I'm good with this decision...does not lead me to try to convince everyone else that they are wrong for divorcing their WS. Not wording this well...hope it makes sense.
Spark1111 Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 LOL! Your post made me smile. You're right...it is the knee-jerk reaction...dump his cheating azz... Let's see, some of the responses I recieved from the few people I told were similar to these you mention. (hope this isn't too much of a T/J) 1. Well, you have been married a lot of years so it makes sense that you would want to try to work out. ?????? 2. I never could have done what you did. (WTH...this was the worst one, even though it was a meant as a compliment...it still implied that I was doing something 'weird') 3. Oh, I'm so glad my husband has never done anything like that (so you assume--seriously--a really BAD response) I never got a response like that-wish I had. All too common, I'm afraid....all too common, but offered in the spirit of encouragement that it can be done.
Spark1111 Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 Jealousy issue perhaps. Perhaps because a BS who is well into their reconciliation and is good with their decision is viewed with some antagonism. I dunno...a fBS who is at peace with their decision to reconcile (or even to divorce) generally does not try to convince others that their decision was the right one. Meaning, since I chose to give my husband a final chance and I'm good with this decision...does not lead me to try to convince everyone else that they are wrong for divorcing their WS. Not wording this well...hope it makes sense. So agree. Those of us who are confident in the decision we did make, do not have to defend to the death why we did what we did. I'm fine with it. I have always owned both my decisions and my actions. It is all good.
silktricks Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 (edited) First, in response to the original post: I absolutely agree that a marriage can not only survive, but thrive post affair. Whether it will or not is in the hands and make-up of the two people involved. We are 6 years post affair. Our marriage has thrived. Sure ..... it's possible....and it happens. However....in the vast majority of cases, even with work and therapy, things are never the same. The betrayed carries this with them. They never forget. I'm afraid that post affair thriving marriages are in the minority. You are quite right. Things are not the same. But why on earth would you want them to be the same? The marriage that was, the one that will "never be the same" led to an affair. There was something wrong in it - badly wrong. Of course, as you say, you never forget - but it's not only the BS who never forgets - the WS never forgets either. Both of them are aware of possible pitfalls. They avoid them, whereas before, one or the other or both would have (could have) just kept going. I don't know if post affair thriving marriages are in the minority or not - I doubt anyone does. Obviously some affairs lead to divorce, but many people experience infidelity in their lives from one side or the other and remain married. Are those marriages "thriving"? Only the people in them can tell, and it could be that often no one else is even aware something has happened. I know as a matter of fact that not a single person who knows us is aware of the pit in our past. And for the well-meaning, but sadly deluded people who think one or both of us is co-dependent or suffering or weak-willed, I can state with assuredness that you are completely wrong . Edited May 27, 2010 by silktricks
Dexter Morgan Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 Jealousy issue perhaps. Perhaps because a BS who is well into their reconciliation and is good with their decision is viewed with some antagonism. nice try. I just don't understand how someone can stand to even look at the face of the person that so callously betrayed them knowing they were off pleasuring themselves with another person. I just don't get it. But like Ive said before, to each his/her own. It certainly isn't for me to stay with a cheater. I'm not asking anyone to defend their decision. If they can handle life with someone that would do that, I wish every BS well.
Spark1111 Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 nice try. I just don't understand how someone can stand to even look at the face of the person that so callously betrayed them knowing they were off pleasuring themselves with another person. I just don't get it. But like Ive said before, to each his/her own. It certainly isn't for me to stay with a cheater. I'm not asking anyone to defend their decision. If they can handle life with someone that would do that, I wish every BS well. Dex, it's WHY I ADMIRE YOU. You always stand by your convictions.
Snowflower Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 I'm not asking anyone to defend their decision. If they can handle life with someone that would do that, I wish every BS well. Thanks, Dex. I appreciate that.
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