stonecold31 Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 Hi, I decided to reg here and post my story because I've gotten a lot from reading the forums over the past few weeks. Sorry its a bit long... Two months ago, my girlfriend of 7 1/2 years came to me one day and said she was leaving. She comes from a very messed up background with a controlling and from what I can gather, almost psychotic mother. This obviously had a profound effect on her and she was a very shy person who was low on confidence and struggled a bit in the world. She came straight from the home environment to living with me and for whatever reason, I took care of all of the daily running of our lives...bills, cars, booking flights etc. We moved around a bit for my work and lived abroad but wherever we were I tried to ensure that she wouldn't have to work much and would be able to focus on finding her place in the world/ furthering her education, whatever she wanted...just basically making her life easier. We moved back to our home town about 18 months ago and she found it very difficult to get work, and when she finally did, it was a horrible place and she left at the end of last year because she couldn't manage the stress anymore. Also being back home and in contact with her siblings and home situation again was tough on her. She had mentioned to me before about wanting to find her own independence in life and maybe trying to go it on her own for a bit, but she left work shortly after that and we really struggled financially over the past winter. We had also gotten into a bit of a rut where I would sit on the PC and she would watch TV every night. I know this is fixable and probably happens to a lot of couples, but just filling in the story When she finally found something new, she took the plunge and left to try and become her own person. Obviously I was destroyed by it all but I'm coming to accept now that its what she had to do to save her own life in a way. I recently met up with her after about 6 weeks of almost no contact because I needed some questions answered for my own healing and she's in a really bad state. She's struggling financially and the world is really getting on top of her. She really looked frazzled and worn out. She's currently exploring the idea of going back to the country we lived in and trying to start afresh there, but she doesn't really know the language (she claims she'll learn it but I don't think shes the language type). Now it may be a good thing for her to be away from all the home troubles etc and she was a happier person when we lived there, but she could get into worse trouble of there as her initial job prospects will be very limited. I asked her if there is any possibility of a future for us and she said she just can't even contemplate anyone else but herself at the moment and that I should move on with my life. Its just weird for me because 'we' never had a meltdown or a blowout and she's never really painted me as any sort of villain or said she doesn't love me. In any case I know she's quite damaged and it may not even be best for us to get back together, but I think its natural to hang onto the past a bit. I guess the point of this post is what should I do? Should I keep her in my life as friends and if she moves away then so be it, should I cut her out altogether? My gut feeling is that I could manage OK and still heal and move on with her still as a part of my life but I'm not sure if this is just fantasy.
saudades Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 It really does sound like this is a problem with her, not with you. If you really think you can be OK and still have her in your life, then I think you should let her know that you will be there if she needs you. However, I also know that this can be a slippery slope where you could potentially feel used, etc. I think you should have an honest talk with her and tell her that you care about her and want her to be OK and work things out but also make sure she understands how difficult for you as well, and see how she responds. If she doesn't really seem concerned about the negative impact this has on you, I'd say it's time to move on. This is obviously a very difficult situation for everyone involved and I hope it works out for the best.
Author stonecold31 Posted May 26, 2010 Author Posted May 26, 2010 Yeah, yesterdays meeting I told her how weird and difficult it was for me and she was really sorry for that but kept returning to the fact that she doesn't have anything to offer anyone at the moment and that most of her time since she left has been spent dealing with all the life stuff she has to get organised. I have a feeling that it hasn't really sunk in with her yet and she's still in survival mode.
Recommended Posts