To Those Stuck In Purgatory

[northstar1]

I know that often when we suffer a bad breakup, during the grieving process we assign a lot of blame to ourselves and wonder:

 

What if I'd done this , or hadn't done that?

What if I'd shown them more love, or been more understanding?

What if I'd fought harder at the end?

What if I wrote them a big long emotional letter?

 

And some of our ex's also, at the end, refused to take any accountability and downloaded all the blame to us.........which leaves you reeling for a long time.

 

And yes, we can often learn about ourselves after a breakup, things we need to focus on, change to make the next relationship better....

 

But what I want to say is - Don't keep yourself stuck in limbo by shouldering all the blame. I know I spent weeks deconstructing the relationship and finding things I'd done or not done and during this I began to believe it was all my doing and I felt a terrible burden and a desire to reverse time and correct my flaws. And when you can't let go of that burden and guilt, it eats away at your self esteem, happiness and center.

 

Finally I was able to isolate the things my ex did that were immature, and cruel and thoughtless and had an epiphany of sorts; it wasn't all me at all. The difference is that I can take accountability of my errors, she will not and that is something that will follow her through her relationship life.

 

Your ex was a person with fallibilities and flaws. They made mistakes. They didn't fight hard enough, or they fought too hard with you. They may have lacked the coping tools to survive the ups and downs a relationship and detached. They may have had a history of broken relationships and have no idea how to treat someone.

Whatever they did, they did something that also contributed to the end.

 

If you are stuck and having a hard letting go; realize it takes two make a relationship successful and two to keep it alive. If one or both decide they won't, or can't - it won't work.

 

Once you can truly see and accept that it wasn't all your fault, you can begin to truly let go of the past and begin to look to the future.

[Heatemyheart89]

Hi Northstar thats so true. We often beat ourselves up but they are just as much to blame often. I took on board all that my ex said. He said ' its you ' 'you've done this' 'you made it final because' but truthfully he was so awful to me he had no right to say that!

[sedgwick]

This really hits home...I've spent three years now thinking all those things. I can't move past the guy who dumped me on '07 because I still feel the breakup was somehow all my fault, that if I'd just been a better person or had the exact same career as his, he wouldn't have dumped me. I still feel inferior to musicians (since he dumped me for not being one.) It's so hard. It feels like I'll have to live with these feelings for the rest of my life.

[northstar1]

Perhaps, but from what I know of your story Sedge, he sounded like a commitment phobe and even if you'd become the best fiddle player in the north east, he'd have found another reason to leave at some point. That was his nature.

 

So, that is a fundemental flaw that would have meant you'd always be chasing the rabbit and never catching it.

 

My ex chose to jump from relationships as soon as any problems came up. Some of it was her just picking the wrong guys, some was insecurities. But when someone has an ingrained habit like that, you can't take all the blame when they do leave.

[Livelovelearn]

congratz that you were able to do this! Happy to hear that. Today I woke up thinking of my ex once again. He cheated on me for 4 months while we were still together. Except eventually he broke up with me, keeping me on the side and i was the other woman in my own 3 year relationship. I always thought those things, and i still do. I feel like what if i was a better girlfriend, what if i did this and that..those are how most of my thoughts are because truth is even though its been a little over a month since i found out and he ignores me, i still love him and i feel so bad for that. He is 5 years older than me and has alot of dating experience (i dont know too much about all his relationships) and he was my first love. I looked up to him and admired him and i cant stop but think it was all my fault....i did some wrongs and so did he, but he always manipulated it and made it seem like it was purely me. I am stripped of my confidence which i had when we first met and i really dont know how to get to the state that your at northstar..

[BetterOffWithoutYou]

i feel as if my ex is the one to blame, but then at times i find myself thinking hmmmm if i had been less this or more that, maybe it would have worked. but if i had done those things then i wouldn't have been ME, i would have been holding back to make him stay. i deserve someone who wants and loves me for me...we all do! i know i am not perfect and still have things to work on, but one thing i can say is that in relationships i treat my man like a king and give him all my heart and soul. this still had left me hurt over and over again, and i am learning that i need to have a man prove to me her deserves this- i can't just trust his words. all in all i am luck that throughout my relationship my ex constantly told me he wasn't good enough for me and i deserved a better man... why i didn't believe him i don't know. he always said the sweetest things and made the best promises for our future, but now that i have a broken heart and a bunch of empty promises i know what he meant. right now i am trying to focus on the bad and unhealthy things about him and it seems to be helping ease the pain.

 

sedgwick, if it is true you dated a commitment phobe then we could probably have a long discussion because so did i! if you need any websites for info i can let you know the ones that are helping me move on and remember that no matter how hard i tried or how great i am there was NOTHING i could have done to prevent this...same goes for you!!!

[GrayClouds]

t's so hard. It feels like I'll have to live with these feelings for the rest of my life.

 

Understand you are choosing to live with those feelings...

[mickleb]

Understand you are choosing to live with those feelings...

 

I think you know this Sedgewick. You tend to ignore the tougher questions/points made to you by members here.

 

And you appear to revel in your 'delicious agony', repeating your sad story to anyone who might listen.

 

You can do better than this.

 

Tell yourself that. Don't believe your own negative hype.

 

Take care.

 

x

[sedgwick]

You tend to ignore the tougher questions/points made to you by members here.

 

And you appear to revel in your 'delicious agony', repeating your sad story to anyone who might listen.

 

I don't see a question I'm ignoring, but if you'll tell me what it is, I'll be happy to answer it!

 

As for the agony, it's anything but delicious. I have been crippled by this for three years. I have never gone through this kind of grief over a breakup in my life. Do I want people to listen? Yeah, I think we all do -- isn't that why we come here? And If anyone can tell me anything to try that I haven't tried, I'm all ears. I'd love to get over this. I've done so much therapy, I've traveled, I've nourished my interests, I've exercised, I've focused on my career, I've taken medication, I've done NC for two years like it was a religion, and STILL I love him like the minute he walked out the door. If anyone has ANY other suggestions (with the exception of dating, since that's not a possibility for me), I will quite happily give them a try!

Edited May 27, 2010 by sedgwick

[Blue6]

Sedgwick- I truly sympathize with you. My former got into grad school across the country and we both committed to LD. After two months and a visit I felt like we could get over the hump. A week after I was there in her element, she called me out of the blue, said she felt differently and this was her life now. Clearly it was, I just wanted to be apart of it and vise versa. The reasons she cited for the break up were: I lack passion for anything in life which is why we won't work, since she is really passionate about her field, I have no drive and I don't reach for anything. All really hurtful things to say because the simply aren't true. It's true that I don't know what I want to do with my life, but inch by inch I was trying to change for her because in my mind, that was the only way we were going to stay together, to become like her. She told me that our year together was her wanting to try something different and I should just go live my life. She loves one minute the next, she is out of my life. I am sorry to ramble on like this but that was 6 months ago and while it's certainly numbed a lot the agony and despair remain perfectly intact. I STILL love her or whatever my idea of her is still in my head but I am starting to realize she is gone, she chose to move on from the relationship and that is something I will need to truly accept at some point. I don't have any advice to give because I myself am searching for some peace from all of this. I just wanted to let you know that your not alone in this.

[northstar1]

I don't see a question I'm ignoring, but if you'll tell me what it is, I'll be happy to answer it!

 

As for the agony, it's anything but delicious. I have been crippled by this for three years. I have never gone through this kind of grief over a breakup in my life. Do I want people to listen? Yeah, I think we all do -- isn't that why we come here? And If anyone can tell me anything to try that I haven't tried, I'm all ears. I'd love to get over this. I've done so much therapy, I've traveled, I've nourished my interests, I've exercised, I've focused on my career, I've taken medication, I've done NC for two years like it was a religion, and STILL I love him like the minute he walked out the door. If anyone has ANY other suggestions (with the exception of dating, since that's not a possibility for me), I will quite happily give them a try!

 

Im curious Sedge, why you feel you can't date? And please don't say that no one finds you attractive. That is a self defense move to avoid being hurt by someone, and hell, we all know that love can hurt like hell at times. Sometimes, the last hump to erasing an ex from your constant thoughts is to fill your memories and thoughts with someone new.

 

It took me about 8 or 9 months to get over my prior breakup and I , like everyone else, felt I'd never date again, never find someone again that I could like. And that simply isn't true, I did meet someone when I was ready, and slowly that part of my brain that was occupied by my ex and the past was filled with thoughts of the new girl. Sometimes you need to take that leap to truly finish moving on. It's been 3 years, don't you think you deserve to move on and find happiness?

[sedgwick]

Im curious Sedge, why you feel you can't date? And please don't say that no one finds you attractive.

 

Honest to god, that really is the reason. I NEVER get flirted with, even a little bit, and the one guy in whom I've shown an interest in the past 3 years told me he wasn't interested. I just simply am not attractive, and have resigned myself to that. It's like, you can want to be an Olympic gymnast more than anything in the world, but if you're six feet tall it's never going to happen, and you have to deal with that. I had to chase Joe for months before he looked up from his bass, and I'm not willing to chase anymore.

[northstar1]

Or maybe you simply cannot see the forest through the trees. You are convincing yourself no one can possibly be attracted to you, so even when men might be open to approaching you, you're refusing to believe it.

[sedgwick]

I can unequivocally, without question tell you that nobody has shown even a glimmer of interest in the past three years. It has, in fact, been quite the opposite. Here's an example: I'm in Mexico now, and recently I had dinner with a woman who was very stereotypically pretty -- long blond hair, skinny, etc. When our bill came, everything she ate and drank was crossed off, and only my portion was left. Turns out the guy at the next table had a crush on her and had asked to pay for her meal and her meal only. I had to pay for myself while fighting back tears. Not only do men not flirt with me, they do stuff like that. I've given up and now mostly just try not to bother anyone.

[Ilovecake]

I can unequivocally, without question tell you that nobody has shown even a glimmer of interest in the past three years. It has, in fact, been quite the opposite. Here's an example: I'm in Mexico now, and recently I had dinner with a woman who was very stereotypically pretty -- long blond hair, skinny, etc. When our bill came, everything she ate and drank was crossed off, and only my portion was left. Turns out the guy at the next table had a crush on her and had asked to pay for her meal and her meal only. I had to pay for myself while fighting back tears. Not only do men not flirt with me, they do stuff like that. I've given up and now mostly just try not to bother anyone.

 

That's horrible and extremely rude. Did she accept? If I were her I would have said “no thanks” if he didn’t offer to pay the entire bill and paid myself.

[DustySaltus]

Great post Northstar.

 

I know that I sacrificed a lot for my ex: Money, Family, Friendships & Myself.

 

It was never enough. I beat myself up for 6 months thinking I did do everything I could.

 

I realized that I probably did more than anyone else would for the sake of the relationship. I left it all on the table. If I couldn't please her, no one can because her needs were a bottomless pit. There was ALWAYS going to be an issue because that's how people with BPD operate.

[sedgwick]

That's horrible and extremely rude. Did she accept? If I were her I would have said “no thanks” if he didn’t offer to pay the entire bill and paid myself.

 

He had already paid when the check came. She offered to pay half of mine but I didn't want the pity, I can take care of myself. So I paid in full, she paid nothing, and we walked out. The guy looked really pissed that she didn't ditch me and hang out with him.

 

She apologized profusely as we walked home and I told her I understood, and that if I were attractive I'm sure someone would do it for me too. She didn't say anything like, "Oh, but you ARE attractive!" She just apologized again and I told her I had something else to do, took off, and sat on the beach and cried myself out. Then I went to bed alone, like I do every night, like I always will. It's okay, I'm learning to make peace with it. I mean, I have, what, another 30-40 years on the planet to use up? I have to find some way to carve out a life worth living even though it will never involve love.

[GrayClouds]

I didn't want the pity,

With all do respect, you do. This why you still hold on to the virulent vestige of "Joe". It is why you make a statement like this which you know that is simple not true:

Originally Posted by sedgwick

I can unequivocally, without question tell you that nobody has shown even a glimmer of interest in the past three years.

VS

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t210839/

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t179804/

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t209903/

 

And it is why you choose to make stories like this about your pain rather then a simple illustration of how rude some people can be or good looking a friend is.

Originally Posted by sedgwick

Here's an example: I'm in Mexico now, and recently I had dinner with a woman who was very stereotypically pretty -- long blond hair, skinny, etc. When our bill came, everything she ate and drank was crossed off, and only my portion was left. Turns out the guy at the next table had a crush on her and had asked to pay for her meal and her meal only.

Just as you choose to use your EX's walking away as a referendum of your worth rather then his deficiencies. It about you wanting to feel bad and looking for others confirm your reasons to feel bad. That is wanting pity. We all do from time to time, it human. But to use Joe, a less then one year old relationship who was on toured for 8 of those months, as the continuous provocation for pity for 3 years is beyond your level of intelligence.

I think you know this Sedgewick. You tend to ignore the tougher questions/points made to you by members here.

I will strive to be less obtuse this time and specifically put it in a question so to avoid a surreptitious use of semantics for equivocation.

 

Do understand you are choosing your pain and consistently work hard to reiterate a narrative of negativity about yourself? If so, why?

 

Originally Posted by sedgwick

If anyone has ANY other suggestions (with the exception of dating, since that's not a possibility for me), I will quite happily give them a try!

What do YOU think you need to do? (which is a question and the answer)

[mickleb]

I don't see a question I'm ignoring, but if you'll tell me what it is, I'll be happy to answer it!

 

I obviously read your threads more carefully than you do. Or this is just your innocent act again to get out of the tough questions. I think you're a very smart lady, so I'll plump for the latter.

 

As for the agony, it's anything but delicious. I have been crippled by this for three years. I have never gone through this kind of grief over a breakup in my life.

 

Yes, that's the agony bit. The delicious part is the Gothic romance you attach the situation. And the real pleasure it must give you when someone gives you more sympathy. I get that. The attention is nice. I ask for a bit myself, sometimes. But..

 

Do I want people to listen? Yeah, I think we all do -- isn't that why we come here?

 

..In answer to your question: NO! People come here to HEAL. And, after a bit of the sympathy and the attention, that's what I was interested in too. Now I like to help out people (as you do) because that feels good, too.

 

One of the best ways to get on that path is to change the behaviour that is keeping you stuck. You repeating the facts about your break-up, endlessly, keeps you thinking about it, keeps you feeling it. Stop it. It's not working for you, is it?

 

Come here, talk (I think you are a very interesting individual) but talk about something else. Talk about your achievements, the little things that made you smile in the day. Keep helping others. But don't talk about him. And other miserable things, constantly.

 

If you do this in your personal life, I'm not surprised you haven't been chatted up for a while. I used to be miserable and people (rightly) avoided me like the plague. I cheered up a bit and found myself meeting all sorts of interesting people and my relationships developed from there.

 

And If anyone can tell me anything to try that I haven't tried, I'm all ears. I'd love to get over this. I've done so much therapy, I've traveled, I've nourished my interests, I've exercised, I've focused on my career, I've taken medication, I've done NC for two years like it was a religion, and STILL I love him like the minute he walked out the door. If anyone has ANY other suggestions (with the exception of dating, since that's not a possibility for me), I will quite happily give them a try!

 

I've got a couple. The first one I just went into. The second is to make a promise to yourself that you will do all you can to BREAK NC. NC is a great tool for most people to help them move on. For most people (those who TRULY want to) it works a bleedin' treat. But there are some it doesn't work for. You are clearly one. Track him down and pour your heart out. What have you got to lose?

 

I was stuck on my first love for five long years. I didn't know about NC and I still had a whole lot of therapy to get through before I had found my own happiness (found a better therapist) but do you know how I finally kicked my bad habit? I ran into him. We chatted, I got dewy eyed for a second and about three days later I woke up from the fantastic sanctuary I had built around myself, to protect me from ever getting so hurt again. Why? Because I could see that he was, in fact, a mere human-being. And I realised that he had, in fact, loved me. But he wasn't ready to settle down. It wasn't ALL ABOUT ME.

 

You are highly egocentric. You self-esteem is on the floor but you are very wrapped up in you. You need to step outside of yourself. Again: it's not attractive. It'll keep the hotties away. STOP feeling sorry for yourself. Just start getting on with life. We all have to grow up eventually and do this. You are stuck in some kind of teenage angst. Try a bit more grace. You're a very sophisitcated woman, in many ways. Let this woman shine.

 

The other thing you really need to do is stop pushing away the obvious: you are a passive commitment phobe. Deal with it.

 

He had already paid when the check came. She offered to pay half of mine but I didn't want the pity, I can take care of myself. So I paid in full, she paid nothing, and we walked out. The guy looked really pissed that she didn't ditch me and hang out with him.

 

She apologized profusely as we walked home and I told her I understood, and that if I were attractive I'm sure someone would do it for me too. She didn't say anything like, "Oh, but you ARE attractive!" She just apologized again and I told her I had something else to do, took off, and sat on the beach and cried myself out. Then I went to bed alone, like I do every night, like I always will. It's okay, I'm learning to make peace with it. I mean, I have, what, another 30-40 years on the planet to use up? I have to find some way to carve out a life worth living even though it will never involve love.

 

God, did I roll my eyes when I read this AGAIN. Really Sedge? Dragging up your old thread material for more sympathy votes? And you reckon it's not delicious.

 

Girl, you love it!

 

The bit in bold takes the biscuit.

 

Take care, Sedge.

 

x

[sedgwick]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t210839/

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t179804/

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t209903/

 

I was totally wrong about those guys being interested. They both told me they weren't, and it was humiliating to think they might have been.

 

That is wanting pity.

 

I'm sorry you feel that way.

 

But to use Joe, a less then one year old relationship who was on toured for 8 of those months, as the continuous provocation for pity for 3 years is beyond your level of intelligence.

 

Not about pity, not about intelligence.

 

Do understand you are choosing your pain and consistently work hard to reiterate a narrative of negativity about yourself? If so, why?

 

If I were choosing it, I could choose to let go of it. I was very happy and fairly confident when I got together with Joe. That was all completely demolished and I have been unable to get it back, despite trying everything I can think of.

 

What do YOU think you need to do? (which is a question and the answer)

 

Honestly? I'm considering ECT. Maybe resetting the electricity in my brain would help. I'm looking into whether I could get it cheaper in Mexico than the US.

 

One of the best ways to get on that path is to change the behaviour that is keeping you stuck. You repeating the facts about your break-up, endlessly, keeps you thinking about it, keeps you feeling it. Stop it. It's not working for you, is it?

 

No, you're correct, it's not. But I feel like he would want me to punish myself for wasting his time and not being good enough, and I don't think I've been punished enough yet. I absolutely cannot forgive myself for wasting his time.

 

If you do this in your personal life, I'm not surprised you haven't been chatted up for a while. I used to be miserable and people (rightly) avoided me like the plague.

 

I am extremely good at pretending to be the happiest, most confident person in the world. It still doesn't get me flirted with, because I am physically unattractive. It is, unfortunately, just a fact that some people are ugly. Due to psych meds and severe, crippling depression that has kept me largely housebound since he left, I've gained weight and am now about a size 12-14. Guys are simply not interested in girls as big as me. Drummer Boy even told me that.

 

The second is to make a promise to yourself that you will do all you can to BREAK NC. Track him down and pour your heart out. What have you got to lose?

 

I could never, ever forgive myself for wasting one more second of the time he could be spending playing music. I could never see him or hear his voice without crumbling into a sobbing puddle. And I've already poured my heart out, and he didn't give a sh*t. Plus, I doubt he even remembers me at this point, and having to remind him who I am would be beyond humiliating. I'm already humiliated enough.

 

You are highly egocentric.

 

I'm sorry you feel that way.

 

Dragging up your old thread material for more sympathy votes? And you reckon it's not delicious.

 

Girl, you love it!

 

I'm sorry you feel that way.

 

The bit in bold takes the biscuit.

 

I'm sorry you feel that way.

Edited May 28, 2010 by sedgwick

[mickleb]

Lazy response, Sedg, as anticipated.

 

You 'feel' like he would want you to be punished. You don't know that and you don't want to know. You want your pain more.

 

What about the CP bit?

 

Don't feel sorry for me, I'm happy. But I feel sorry for you, you're not.

 

BTW, I'm pretty but I still didn't 'get flirted with' for about 10 years of my life.

 

Keep eating your bad diet of bad thoughts if you want to stay unhealthy.

 

It's pretty obvious to a lot of people on here that you do.

 

x

[sedgwick]

Lazy response, Sedg, as anticipated.

 

You 'feel' like he would want you to be punished. You don't know that and you don't want to know. You want your pain more.

 

What about the CP bit?

 

Don't feel sorry for me, I'm happy. But I feel sorry for you, you're not.

 

BTW, I'm pretty but I still didn't 'get flirted with' for about 10 years of my life.

 

Keep eating your bad diet of bad thoughts if you want to stay unhealthy.

 

It's pretty obvious to a lot of people on here that you do.

 

x

 

I'm sorry you feel that way. You seem to have a lot of anger toward me. Perhaps you'd like to just stop responding to me?

[GrayClouds]

I was totally wrong about those guys being interested. They both told me they weren't, and it was humiliating to think they might have been.

BS!!!!!! once again re-writing the narrative to confirm you position for pity, Just because they did not fall head over heels for you, they did show interest in you. For you to say you have not had any interest in 3 years shown towards you is, once again, BS.

I'm sorry you feel that way.

That is a cleaver way to avoid the point. If your not desiring pity illustrate how your post show a women who is working hard at moving beyond her pain rather then trying to be cleaver.

Not about pity, not about intelligence.

In this care, once again it is about avoidance, a nifty little response to give the allusion of actually addressing the point.

If I were choosing it, I could choose to let go of it.

Exactly!

Are you currently in therapy?

Are you currently on medication?

Are you current exercising every day?

Honestly? I'm considering ECT. Maybe resetting the electricity in my brain would help. I'm looking into whether I could get it cheaper in Mexico than the US.

 

ECT? That is for depression if your looking to forget then you want a lobotomy. Unless your DOING everything you possible to move on, tired every possible medication combination to make a statement like that is pitiful.

 

Your not the first or alone at enjoy your pain. I was there to:

 

Here comes Little miss Heartless to knock a few heads together.

 

Stop wallowing.

 

Take a look in that mirror of yours, and pretend you're your best friend.

 

I'm utterly serious.

"separate" you, from your reflection.

Really, really imagine you are somebody else.

Stop whatever you're doing, and try it.

Just imagine, for now.....

 

Quite content to be single.

No ties, no commitments, no attachments, just breezin' through, enjoying the moment.

Empty your mind of all extraneous crap, and make like you have someone else's carefree existence.

Just be still, for a moment, ditch it all, and empty.

Dwell in the lazy comfort of nor having this sh*t to deal with.

Pretend like you actually choose to be single, alone, content and totally, but totally ok with it.

Ok..... feel it....?

(if not, keep trying, until you do. I'm serious.)

 

Now, ask 'you'.....

 

Why are you choosing to let yourself be this way?

I mean, you have a choice, you know.

No, really, you do.

It sucks, I know, but it's true.

 

You enjoy whanging yourself over the head with a frying pan?

because you know, she's not the one whanging it.

You are.

 

So she came over.

So what?

 

Oh F**K off.

Stop being so precious woman, and assuming you're still as important as you ever thought you were.

 

 

Christ, the drama..... why play it?

I mean, seriously, why?

you've just gone and wasted two, perfectly good days, on angst.

twenty-four hours, shyted and gone for good.

Irretrievable, and miserably so.

 

Every sixty seconds you choose to spend miserable, is a whole minute, in which you could have been having a good time.

 

By choice.

 

But no. Oh no....you had a crappy thought, and instead of dismissing it, you watered it, tended it, pruned, trimmed and clipped it, into the perfect, prize-winning topiary that is 86,400 seconds of misery.

 

And for what exactly?

To what good end?

For what reason?

I mean, anyone who actually has a 24-hour rant about the crap they've just experienced, must be doing it for a constructive and aimful purpose? (Aimful. That's a new word. As opposed to 'aimless'....)

 

No?

 

You're kidding, right?

 

GrayClouds, you have to show a little personal resolve here, and turn the page, honey.

I hate to use the cliché, but you let such matters take your 'power' away.

 

You LET.

In other words, it's a voluntary abdication.

 

So?

 

Aw, hell with it.

Take it back.

Enough nonsense, now.

 

Jeesh, you know it makes sense, because, ker-ist, you tell other folk the way it is exactly like it is.

 

Remember that blissful instant when you pretended you were someone else, and it all fell away?

Now, just lengthen the time....

It feels so good, I really think you'd enjoy making it a more permanent state of mind, you know.....

 

The words was for me but they so apply to you if you choose.

[mickleb]

No I wouldn't. I'd like to see you heal. And I believe you can. I'd like you to believe it.

 

I am not angry at you but I am angry at some of your behaviour. You use your intelligence to construct an excuse for changing your behaviour.

 

I used to do the same thing and can still fall into that trap, from time to time.

 

You can stop this, Segdwick. You can choose to take control of your thoughts.

 

I have seen glimmers of it. You need to keep practicing not to.

 

I want to remind you when you are doing something unhealthy so you can finally see what you're doing.

 

S'all.

 

What about the CP bit?

 

x

[sedgwick]

BS!!!!!! once again re-writing the narrative to confirm you position for pity, Just because they did not fall head over heels for you, they did show interest in you.

 

THEY TOLD ME I WAS MISTAKEN!!! Explain how someone who tells you you misread their signals and that they were not interested, is interested.

 

Are you currently in therapy?

Are you currently on medication?

Are you current exercising every day?

 

Therapy? No, but I did a year and a half of intensive DBT after he left, and then I did trauma-specific EMDR therapy.

 

Meds? Yes, absolutely.

 

Exercise? Not currently, because I had an emergency appendectomy two weeks ago. However, in general I do; I'm a dancer so I have to.

 

ECT? That is for depression if your looking to forget then you want a lobotomy. Unless your DOING everything you possible to move on, tired every possible medication combination to make a statement like that is pitiful.

 

I'm sorry you feel that way. I am, in fact, deeply depressed, and ECT often works where meds have failed. (I've been on 27 different meds over the years, so yeah, I feel like I've given pharmacology a valiant effort.) I don't want to forget, I just want to not feel thisclosetosuicidal all the time. I want to leave my house again. Also, lobotomies are no longer done, and didn't universally make people forget. I'd highly recommend a book called The Lobotomist by Jack El-Hai and another called Shock by Kitty Dukakis if you're looking to understand the differences between the two. They might help you not to see the mentally ill who are desperate to feel better as "pitiful."

 

What about the CP bit?

 

Sure, I can see it. But I sure was ready to commit with Joe. I'd have married him in a second and been honored to be with him for the rest of my life.

Edited May 28, 2010 by sedgwick